Major Setback

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I caved... I sent her a text on her birthday...

Me: Happy Birthday, XXXXXXX

Her: Thank you, PX

5 minutes later

Her: It wasn't nearly as good as you made it last year.


Hooks in, she manipulated me while I knew I was being manipulated. We had been NC for a little over a month. We chatted via text, Joking, catching up, talking like we hadn't in years... .

Her: We should catch up soon. Maybe lunch/dinner/coffee? I wanna see your face.

I agreed to see her next week. I don't know what she wants... I found a post she wrote about me online on a forum that was completely heartbreaking. Yes, it was something that I could have easily found. I think it was directed to me and for others to give her sympathy.

I know seeing her is a mistake.

Is she doing this to rekindle? Should I prepare for that? Or is she doing this to break me again?

She recently started a profile on a dating site I was on. So clearly she knows I'm starting to date again.

[OopsIDidItAgain]

I caved... I sent her a text on her birthday...

Me: Happy Birthday, XXXXXXX

Her: Thank you, PX

5 minutes later

Her: It wasn't nearly as good as you made it last year.


Hooks in, she manipulated me while I knew I was being manipulated. We had been NC for a little over a month. We chatted via text, Joking, catching up, talking like we hadn't in years... .

Her: We should catch up soon. Maybe lunch/dinner/coffee? I wanna see your face.

I agreed to see her next week. I don't know what she wants... I found a post she wrote about me online on a forum that was completely heartbreaking. Yes, it was something that I could have easily found. I think it was directed to me and for others to give her sympathy.

I know seeing her is a mistake.

Is she doing this to rekindle? Should I prepare for that? Or is she doing this to break me again?

She recently started a profile on a dating site I was on. So clearly she knows I'm starting to date again.

[Invictus01]

I know seeing her is a mistake. 

You got it right there. Do what's best for you. No way to tell why she is doing this, but if seeing her is going to hurt you... .don't hurt yourself.

My ex's birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks too. I hope I will be hammered enough in Vegas and flirting with some women to keep my hands away from the phone. She threw away the birthday gift I gave her last year the day before she threw away me. So, this year, she won't get a damn thing, even an acknowledgement of it.

[bjm]

Its so hard not to cave, but I can tell you, what you explained above I did with my ex literally over a dozen times.  It feels so good to get that text or call that she misses you, and then she will suck you back in, and BAM, she will do it again.  The strange thing in, it seems to get progressively worse every time.

Just know if you see her, she will reel you back in and then she will act the same way she has in the past, if not worse.  It is a cycle.  The only one who can stop the cycle is you.  It seems like if you don't stop it, they will do it forever.

After months of what you are explaining in your email, I literally had to just walk away cold turkey.  Its like detoxing from a drug.  They are the drug.

[OopsIDidItAgain]

It was funny because I was having dinner with my mom and I had mentioned her birthday was coming up and my mother even said ":)o not text her, she's going to say her birthday is horrible because you're not there." and I said "Mom, you're crazy. She's going to pretend her birthday was the greatest thing ever."

It never ceases to amaze me that moms really do know EVERYTHING. However, I can't let her know she was right just yet... if I even do.

I did however tell a friend. What my friend said to me is... "Listen, we all know how she treated you. I love you and I'm always going to be YOUR friend. You need to realize that if you choose to give into her and do this pattern that your support system is going to be very very small. You will not be able to hang out with any of your friends together because we just don't like her. You know she will do it again and again."

I think I need that rock to hit me. I need her to cancel next week and show me that she really is that person I think she is.

On the flip side, if I go... I'm giving her dramatic love story. I'm giving her, her "Taylor Swift" song so to speak and showing how we overcame all odds and got back together.

But, this story sounds like so many of the members of this forum. She will get her hooks back in, and we will have this amazing relationship for a couple months and then... she'll get bored. We'll be back to where we started.

I need the strength to say NO. But they are a drug. You are absolutely right. I never thought I would ever become so addicted to a person.

[Invictus01]

I did however tell a friend. What my friend said to me is... "Listen, we all know how she treated you. I love you and I'm always going to be YOUR friend. You need to realize that if you choose to give into her and do this pattern that your support system is going to be very very small. You will not be able to hang out with any of your friends together because we just don't like her. You know she will do it again and again."

In so many words, my buddy told me the same thing. Listen to your buddy

[klacey3]

I caved... I sent her a text on her birthday...

Me: Happy Birthday, XXXXXXX

Her: Thank you, PX

5 minutes later

Her: It wasn't nearly as good as you made it last year.


Hooks in, she manipulated me while I knew I was being manipulated. We had been NC for a little over a month. We chatted via text, Joking, catching up, talking like we hadn't in years... .

Her: We should catch up soon. Maybe lunch/dinner/coffee? I wanna see your face.

I agreed to see her next week. I don't know what she wants... I found a post she wrote about me online on a forum that was completely heartbreaking. Yes, it was something that I could have easily found. I think it was directed to me and for others to give her sympathy.

I know seeing her is a mistake.

Is she doing this to rekindle? Should I prepare for that? Or is she doing this to break me again?

She recently started a profile on a dating site I was on. So clearly she knows I'm starting to date again.

Its my borderline exs birthday today aswell. I said happy birthday yesterday. He told me he is coming to my house and i told him not to. Now he is laying a massive guilt trip on me saying I am ruining his birthday and that its obviously because my ego is too big to see him and how disgusting and sick I am for ruining his day by not seeing him. its really annoying.

If you think that seeing her next week is a mistake what made you agree to it? From what you say it seems like part of you wants to give it another go but you know it wont work. Unless a borderline is on medication and has therapy your relationship will turn out the same as before. Patterns repeat themselves.

[OopsIDidItAgain]

Seeing her would only be a temporary fix. I was doing SO well until her birthday. I even stopped obsessing.

Why I agreed to it was simple. I was caught in the moment of us having that part of our relationship back where we are friends. Where we actually had a conversation that didn't involve us and our relationship. I felt like I had a part of her I hadn't had in so long. She was also being nice to me, and I wasn't resenting her. I'm a total codependent enabler.

Do I want her back? Yes, I want her back more than anything. I think about being with her constantly... I found this message board because I googled ":)o BPD exes come back"

My eyes are kind of open. I know I am healthier person without her. But I just always have that WHAT IF... thing happening.

I need the will power to say no

[klacey3]

Seeing her would only be a temporary fix. I was doing SO well until her birthday. I even stopped obsessing.

Why I agreed to it was simple. I was caught in the moment of us having that part of our relationship back where we are friends. Where we actually had a conversation that didn't involve us and our relationship. I felt like I had a part of her I hadn't had in so long. She was also being nice to me, and I wasn't resenting her. I'm a total codependent enabler.

Do I want her back? Yes, I want her back more than anything. I think about being with her constantly... I found this message board because I googled ":)o BPD exes come back"

My eyes are kind of open. I know I am healthier person without her. But I just always have that WHAT IF... thing happening.

I need the will power to say no

As you say it will only be a temporary fix. I think alot of us think 'what if' but the reality is we try as hard as we can with our partners but they can't change. Not unless they really want to themselves and seek help. Perhaps have a look at the staying board to see what people deal with that stay with their borderline partners.

[rotiroti]

It was funny because I was having dinner with my mom and I had mentioned her birthday was coming up and my mother even said ":)o not text her, she's going to say her birthday is horrible because you're not there." and I said "Mom, you're crazy. She's going to pretend her birthday was the greatest thing ever."

It never ceases to amaze me that moms really do know EVERYTHING. However, I can't let her know she was right just yet... if I even do.

I did however tell a friend. What my friend said to me is... "Listen, we all know how she treated you. I love you and I'm always going to be YOUR friend. You need to realize that if you choose to give into her and do this pattern that your support system is going to be very very small. You will not be able to hang out with any of your friends together because we just don't like her. You know she will do it again and again."

I think I need that rock to hit me. I need her to cancel next week and show me that she really is that person I think she is.

On the flip side, if I go... I'm giving her dramatic love story. I'm giving her, her "Taylor Swift" song so to speak and showing how we overcame all odds and got back together.

But, this story sounds like so many of the members of this forum. She will get her hooks back in, and we will have this amazing relationship for a couple months and then... she'll get bored. We'll be back to where we started.

I need the strength to say NO. But they are a drug. You are absolutely right. I never thought I would ever become so addicted to a person.

It sounds like you have a great relationship with your parents. Seriously, they have the life experience to see much more beyond those who are younger AND they have the benefit of knowing what we are like.

Also your friends are rock solid. Supportive and honest. Mine told me the same thing that while they support me, they would be gone if I willingly returned to the abuse haha.

What are you doing for you this coming weekend?

[valet]

I can understand why you see this is as a setback PX. Anyone here would.

You don't know what she wants, no. There's no way to know without asking, and then you can't be sure you'd be given the truth anyways.

So, back to you. What do you want? Whatever happens will only go as a far as you let it. Are you perhaps afraid that you will not be able to resist her advances if she were to make them?

[OopsIDidItAgain]

I can tell you right now I won't be able to resist her advances if it were to happen. So I do not think meeting up is a good idea.

She could no longer afford her apartment because I wasn't there to pay her bills. Although she claimed she moved out because it caused too much "emotional distress" she couldn't bear to stay there anymore.  So I'm scared she wants to meet up because I'm her cash supply.

I am also scared we are going to meet up and shes going to gush about the new person she's seeing. I don't even think she's seriously seeing someone but still. Who knows what she will say. When we first started dating she was texting her ex boyfriend telling him how happy she was with me. I thought they were just good friends but who knows what that was now learning more about BPD.

I have a lot of fears about meeting up with her. It's strange because my fears are her wanting me back and her not wanting me at all.

[antelope]

But I just always have that WHAT IF... thing happening.

what if... .what?

[OopsIDidItAgain]

What if we can be the statistic where it all works out.

[Mr Hollande]

What if we can be the statistic where it all works out.

If there are statistics to support that then all the best to you. I hope it works out.

Otherwise it's not too late to cancel.

[rotiroti]

What if we can be the statistic where it all works out.

You know yourself best, make the decision that works for you. IF you decide you want to stay with the BP in your life, do so with the full knowledge of what you are choosing to do.

It might be worth checking out the staying/improving boards as well if you decide to go that route

[antelope]

What if we can be the statistic where it all works out.

where what works out?

you tried a relationship, and it didn't work out... .so, in order for it to work out, some things will need to change... .your perspective and your tolerance are well within your control; her behavior and manipulation is not

she needs to make very big changes in order for it to work out... .is she?  will she?  ... .and more importantly, that journey of her changing will come at what cost to you?

[Yolanda123]

Posted by: bjm 

Its so hard not to cave, but I can tell you, what you explained above I did with my ex literally over a dozen times.  It feels so good to get that text or call that she misses you, and then she will suck you back in, and BAM, she will do it again.  The strange thing in, it seems to get progressively worse every time.

Just know if you see her, she will reel you back in and then she will act the same way she has in the past, if not worse.  It is a cycle.  The only one who can stop the cycle is you.  It seems like if you don't stop it, they will do it forever.

I can only agree with bjm. After our first major breakup (he had done something very disrespectful to me and I managed to pull myself out of the chaos and craziness even though I was still in major FOG and did not know yet about BPD at this point) my exBPDbf wouldn't stop texting me and calling me. As many have said, they are like a drug. It's very hard to resist when they reach out telling us they love us and miss us. They are experts at that. These are words. Do the actions match the words?

Posted by: PX1983 

I think I need that rock to hit me. I need her to cancel next week and show me that she really is that person I think she is.

On the flip side, if I go... I'm giving her dramatic love story. I'm giving her, her "Taylor Swift" song so to speak and showing how we overcame all odds and got back together.

And that's exactly what my exBPDbf told me in one of his texts after this breakup ''If only the fairy tale could return... .'' That from a 40 year old man... .They are really looking for this perfect fantasy kind of love that does not exist in real life. When he came to my place and we got back together, he was on his knees crying, telling me that our love could overcome anything and that we would be happily ever after... .It was perfect for two weeks... .the sweet caring smart funny guy that I had Fallen in love with was back... .I could almost say back with a vengeance because after those 2 weeks he was worse than he had ever been during our 1 year and 1/2 Relationship.

PX, you are gonna make your own decision, nobody can tell you what to do or not to do. Just keep in mind that the chances that things are gonna be different are slim to none. They might very well be even worse. Think about yourself, and take care. 

[SummerStorm]

What if we can be the statistic where it all works out.

Only you can do what's best for you.  When I get thoughts like you're having, I always go back to the day when she told me, "I will destroy you."  She said she was going to, and she did.  Again, it's not like pwBPD set out to sabotage a relationship, but they are working with a limited and immature skill set.  They know that this happens all the time, but they keep searching because they're human and want love just like every other human.  She gave me a warning, but it was a vague one.  If she would have said, "I will destroy you because I have instances of rage, I frequently cut people out of my life, and I can be emotionally/mentally/physically abusive," I would have run for the hills.    

As others have said, you may want to check out the staying board and read some of their stories.  They are staying and working to improve their relationships, but so many of them are miserable.  A lot of times, the only thing that separates the subject lines and content of their threads from those on the leaving board is that they are still living what we are in the process of detaching from.  Now, not all of them are with a pwBPD who is in therapy, but even the ones who are still post about all of the problems they have.  Remember that pwBPD often have a hard time taking responsibility for their actions, so therapy sessions can quickly turn into them blaming everyone for their problems.  Therapy also takes a long time (I think the minimum I've heard is 2 years), and it only teaches the pwBPD how to manage his/her symptoms.  Therapy is also extremely difficult and painful for pwBPD.  Imagine sitting down and having someone say to you, "Okay, we are going to have to change your entire personality and the way you've been reacting to people and situations for most of your life."  

If your ex would decide to try therapy, you would need to be realistic.  She's not going to go to one session, come out, and say, "You know what?  My chronic feelings of emptiness, lack of a true self, impulsive nature, and unstable moods have all been fixed.  Awesome!  I feel so much better!"  More than likely, she'll come out and say, "That was b______t.  The therapist is the one who's crazy.  I'm never going back there again."  

If you want to work things out with her, remember that you also have to make changes.  Ask yourself if you're really willing to do that.  It's okay if you aren't.  When my former friend BPD was first diagnosed, I spent 5 hours reading about BPD and thought, "You know what?  I can do this.  I'll start with validation skills."  But now that I'm out, thanks to her discarding me and painting me black, I realize that no, I couldn't do it.  I don't like kids, don't want to have kids, so why would I want to be friends with one or marry one?  I'm too independent, too stuck in my ways, too impatient.  I make long-term plans and keep them, and she cancels just about everything.  I like to go outside and do things, and she would rather sit inside, in a dark room, and play video games.  Being with her would have killed me inside.  

Remember that a pwBPD is endlessly searching for something that can't be fixed by external factors.  Her or she has to want to change.  You can't change your ex.  They are fickle and move on quickly.  They don't have the energy to fight for anything.  I constantly felt like I was fighting for her--fighting for her love, her attention, her kindness.  She didn't fight for anything.  How many times have you read about someone saying, "Yeah, he/she told me that I deserve better."  They know we deserve better, but they don't have the strength to walk away because they fear abandonment.  And what do we do?  We say, "No, I don't.  I love you, and I want to be with you."  We invalidate them, and that causes them to feel more shame, and then they act impulsively and try to self-soothe with sex, drugs, gambling, etc.  It's a sad cycle, but it's one that we have the strength to walk away from.  

I wish you all the best as you figure out what's best for you.  But remember that.  You need to figure out what's best for YOU.  

[OopsIDidItAgain]

She and I are both horrible at being single. So it's very hard logging onto a dating website and seeing her there. I can't move on with her in my face constantly.

I just wonder if she's seeing me to hurt me or seeing me to get back together. I want her back, I want a healthy her back. I know it's not realistic, I know what's best for me is to not meet up with her. But, the idea of seeing her again just makes me so incredibly happy.

Why the hell would she have made the comment she made about her birthday not being good as last year if she didn't want to get back together.

I've read the staying boards, I've had people message me privately telling me stories about their lives and how I'm lucky to be out.

I know what I need to do to change. I can't enable her anymore if we were to get back together.

[Mutt]

I know what I need to do to change. I can't enable her anymore if we were to get back together.

What would you change?