Struggling with alienation from mutual friends

[SGraham]

Lately, i've been really struggling with how my mutual friends have been treating me. Its like, it hurt enough to be discarded by the girl i loved, but on top of that all of our mutual friends basically deleted me from their lives. I dont get it because they all directly witnessed all the respect and patience i treated her with, and on a few occasions i steped in and took care of her when the friends didn't want to deal with it. Id hope that she didn't tell them any lies about me but even so id figure that they would know my character enough to tell its not true. You know it just sucks, knowing that you sacrifieced so much only to be treated like trash, i mean my ex has the excuse of mental illness but our mutual friends? It just doesnt make sense. I dont know if anyone has any insight or wisdom on this but any would be appreciated. 

[sas1729]

Hey,

I think it would help to know more of the details regarding your mutual friends. By this I mean things like were they her friends first or yours? Or did you meet them as a couple? How long have you known them?

It completely sucks I agree. My own experience was not as bad as yours. My ex didn't like my friends, so they never became mutual friends. She had her own set of friends, to whom I was introduced and spent some time together. But I wouldn't call them mutual friends. We planned one surprise party or something for my ex once, I think. After the breakup they all defriended me and dropped me from their social lives. I think that was a genuine case of them sticking by their friend (my ex).

Did they see how I tried to support her? I don't know; I doubt it. My ex I think kept that part of her life private, so her friends didn't really know the details of the storm that was brewing in our relationship. If anything they heard the complaints.

This is leading up to me saying that in my experience, sometimes pwBPD can be good at compartmentalizing. They can present one personality to their friends (and mutual friends) and another in their relationship. I doubt my ex's friends knew how much we fought, let alone how unhappy we were. It is very possible that your ex, behind your back, complained about you. She may have devalued you to your mutual friends while idealizing them, in turn basically drawing them in. If this is the case then I truly don't know how you can convince your mutual friends of what happened. They may have it set in their minds to disagree with you. It is sad and I am very sorry that this is happening.

Do you have your own set of friends from before your relationship? If you do what do they think?

[SGraham]

Hey,

I think it would help to know more of the details regarding your mutual friends. By this I mean things like were they her friends first or yours? Or did you meet them as a couple? How long have you known them?

It completely sucks I agree. My own experience was not as bad as yours. My ex didn't like my friends, so they never became mutual friends. She had her own set of friends, to whom I was introduced and spent some time together. But I wouldn't call them mutual friends. We planned one surprise party or something for my ex once, I think. After the breakup they all defriended me and dropped me from their social lives. I think that was a genuine case of them sticking by their friend (my ex).

Did they see how I tried to support her? I don't know; I doubt it. My ex I think kept that part of her life private, so her friends didn't really know the details of the storm that was brewing in our relationship. If anything they heard the complaints.

This is leading up to me saying that in my experience, sometimes pwBPD can be good at compartmentalizing. They can present one personality to their friends (and mutual friends) and another in their relationship. I doubt my ex's friends knew how much we fought, let alone how unhappy we were. It is very possible that your ex, behind your back, complained about you. She may have devalued you to your mutual friends while idealizing them, in turn basically drawing them in. If this is the case then I truly don't know how you can convince your mutual friends of what happened. They may have it set in their minds to disagree with you. It is sad and I am very sorry that this is happening.

Do you have your own set of friends from before your relationship? If you do what do they think?

Well they were mainly her friends first but they were all people i knew prior to dating her and they all respected me highly and i have memories with these people independent of my ex.  But yeah they certainly saw how much i tried to support her and even expressed gratitude for it which makes me so much more confused. Lastly, yes i do have my own set of friends who are supportive.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey SGraham, Same thing happened to me.  You are not alone, my friend.  Don't be so sure about the following:

Id hope that she didn't tell them any lies about me but even so id figure that they would know my character enough to tell its not true.

I can almost guaranty that she has told them lies and exaggerations about you.  It goes with the territory.  Not much, if anything, you can do about it.

Your true friends will stay friends; the others weren't really friends at all.

LuckyJim

[Pretty Woman]

Hi Sweets,

  I am sorry you are going through this.  If they were indeed her friends first, expect many of them to be her enablers.

There is a woman who is my ex's friend. Everytime my ex would dump me, she too would erase me from her life. Delete me off Facebook, off everything really. I treated her with respect as well as my ex. When my ex came back, this person came back too... .and I forgave her just as I did my ex. In reality, I myself enabled shyty treatment of myself.

I understand completely where you are coming from. In my situation she dumped me many, many times and I took her back just as many, many times. You would think these friends would see I am not an awful person, the fact she kept coming back to ME... .I never left her.

Sadly, you are dealing with people who are cut from the same cloth... .birds of a feather. Try not to take it personally. It really isn't you, it's the situation, it's the nature of the beast.


PW

[Aussie0zborn]

Welcome to the club. It doesn't matter what you did or what they saw... .what counts is what she convinced them of. The story usually goes something like this... .

1. You pretend to be a good guy and put on a show in front of others.

2. Behind closed doors, you are a monster, an abuser.

3. You talk bad about these so-called mutual friends behind their backs.

It's all part of the process my friend. You are not going to change their minds. You might look at changing your value systems and protecting yourself from this type of person in future. Forget them and ignore them. Accept that you wasted your time with these people. Take a good look at yourself and then look at establishing real and solid friendships of your own that are impervious to outside interference.

[Pretty Woman]

I second Aussie's comments there.

I found out a few weeks ago some things that were said about me during our 1st breakup... .that I was "mentally unstable" and she feared for her life.

This is by a person who almost broke my arm shoving me into a wall. I never touched her, nor raised my voice. Ever.

BPD's are amazing actors and manipulators. Think of all the things she told you that you believed.

Right?


PW

[SGraham]

Hi Sweets,

  I am sorry you are going through this.  If they were indeed her friends first, expect many of them to be her enablers.

There is a woman who is my ex's friend. Everytime my ex would dump me, she too would erase me from her life. Delete me off Facebook, off everything really. I treated her with respect as well as my ex. When my ex came back, this person came back too... .and I forgave her just as I did my ex. In reality, I myself enabled shyty treatment of myself.

I understand completely where you are coming from. In my situation she dumped me many, many times and I took her back just as many, many times. You would think these friends would see I am not an awful person, the fact she kept coming back to ME... .I never left her.

Sadly, you are dealing with people who are cut from the same cloth... .birds of a feather. Try not to take it personally. It really isn't you, it's the situation, it's the nature of the beast.


PW

Thank you for your kind words pw, i guess it does kinda make sense that emotionally imatire people might hang together.

[SGraham]

It's all part of the process my friend. You are not going to change their minds. You might look at changing your value systems and protecting yourself from this type of person in future. Forget them and ignore them. Accept that you wasted your time with these people. Take a good look at yourself and then look at establishing real and solid friendships of your own that are impervious to outside interference.

Thanks for the advice aussie, in the end i know how i treated her so i guess ill be able to forget them. 

[Mutt]

Hi SGraham,

I'm sorry to hear this. I can relate with how painful and difficult that can be when we lose friends. You have a lot of good advice so far.

I'd like to share a lesson I learned from my experience.

There are two sides to every story. Did they give you decency to listen to yours?

Others have said that you're not alone; you'll see who your true friends are and make news ones  

[SGraham]

Thanks for the kind words Mutt.