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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: He is still roaming around after 2 months  (Read 363 times)
Yolanda123
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« on: August 11, 2015, 11:37:14 AM »

I am a little over 2 months post b/u. Every night when I leave work I feel the anxiety, knowing that my exBPDbf might be around watching me leave or might even pop up on me (he lives 2 blocks away from my workplace). He’s been popping up on me in the parking lot in the 2-3 weeks following the b/u, and though I haven’t seen him in over 1 month and ½ now, he’s been seen around by one of my work colleague a few times in the following weeks. I thought maybe I was being a little paranoid thinking he could still be around, but yesterday this colleague, who leaves work a little after me, saw him when she finished work. She said he was just roaming around in the parking lot with no apparent destination or goal, and he left without talking to her or anything.

It just stresses me and makes me uneasy knowing he is still doing that around the time I leave work…not much I can do, since he lives so close…but he really does not have to pass by my workplace to go to his grocery store or other places... .he has other options, so it is intentional, and to be there right around the time I leave work.

I honestly don't know what he is capable of doing... .during our r/s, he did something very childish/weird and freaky in my opinion to the car of a work colleague with whom I don't get along so well. It's nothing out of normal work stuff, you can't be best friends with everyone you work with, some people you get annoyed at, and I had talked a little to my exBPDbf about this situation at work, and it was like this person at work was suddenly evil and needed to be punished.  I did not know then about BPD so I was quite taken aback when he told me what he had actually done. I wonder if he could do something similar to me/my car... .

It makes me uneasy, stressed, and somewhat feeling sad for him…  I shouldn’t be, after all, he’s only reaping the consequences of his actions. I hate that he still has such an effect on me, that just hearing about him makes me all emotional and my heart still sinks and aches. And at the same time, he frightens me a little.
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Mutt
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« Reply #1 on: August 11, 2015, 04:06:26 PM »

Hi Yolanda123,

I can understand how an ex partner roaming around would make us feel anxious and sad.

It's been 45 days since you have last seen him and you're hearing about him through colleagues that they have spotted him.

He did something childish / weird to a colleague that he didn't along with.

I can see how you would be worried.

Have you given thought to a restraining order?
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"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
ReclaimingMyLife
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« Reply #2 on: August 11, 2015, 05:45:58 PM »

Hi Yolanda123,

I am so sorry to hear this!  I never imagined how being stalked and harassed would feel.  My ex is still at it after almost 9 months (which is longer than the r/s was).  Sometimes he is "nice,"  sometimes threatening, sometimes pleading, etc.  He mixes it up so much so that my T has created a chart called Manipulation Bingo so we can make a game of tracking his contacts.  All of it is unnerving and all of it, even the "nice" stuff, feels abusive. 

I am not sure how I would have gotten through this, esp the first several months of utter relentlessness, suicide threats, threats to my well being, the well being of my family members, etc. without the book, The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker.  The book gave me a mindset, a strategy, and confidence. 

Additionally, it was ALWAYS available 24/7.  So when I'd wake up anxious in the middle of the night, I could reach for it.  I would highly recommend you get a copy. 

Much of the other stuff I read about stalking felt like one horror story after another.  Which was not helpful to me.  I needed to have a plan and keep my eyes on the prize.  I am not sure how I would have stayed sane without the de Becker book.

The other thing I did was track his contacts in an excel spreadsheet.  This was potentially important information in case I need it for the authorities.  Seems like this would be good for you, heaven forbid.  But the other thing that was really good about it was I tracked my "no response."  It was very helpful to acknowledge myself and the ENORMOUS EFFORT it took to not take the bait or get drawn in to any of his BS.

Hang in there.  You can do this.  So sorry you have to.  But you can do it! 
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Yolanda123
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« Reply #3 on: August 12, 2015, 09:36:07 AM »

Well I saw him last night when I left work. As I got out of the parking lot, there he was walking on the sidewalk, walking fast and headed to the same direction I was going in my car, so I can only assume he was waiting on the corner of the street watching me get out of work. I just passed him in my car without looking at him but I was shaky. I hate that feeling. Why exactly do they do this?

Excerpt
Posted by: Mutt 

Have you given thought to a restraining order?

Thanks Mutt, some people around me have been suggesting the same, but I am not sure it could be effective in my situation since he is living so close to my workplace – can they restrict him to come and go around his neighbourhood? It seems an extreme measure given what he does, since he is not making any face to face contact with me, only watching me from afar, I don't know if a restraining order would change anything to the situation.

Excerpt
Posted by: ReclaimingMyLife 

Hi Yolanda123,

I am so sorry to hear this!  I never imagined how being stalked and harassed would feel.  My ex is still at it after almost 9 months (which is longer than the r/s was).  Sometimes he is "nice,"  sometimes threatening, sometimes pleading, etc.  He mixes it up so much so that my T has created a chart called Manipulation Bingo so we can make a game of tracking his contacts.  All of it is unnerving and all of it, even the "nice" stuff, feels abusive. 

I am not sure how I would have gotten through this, esp the first several months of utter relentlessness, suicide threats, threats to my well being, the well being of my family members, etc. without the book, The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker.  The book gave me a mindset, a strategy, and confidence. 

Additionally, it was ALWAYS available 24/7.  So when I'd wake up anxious in the middle of the night, I could reach for it.  I would highly recommend you get a copy. 

Much of the other stuff I read about stalking felt like one horror story after another.  Which was not helpful to me.  I needed to have a plan and keep my eyes on the prize.  I am not sure how I would have stayed sane without the de Becker book.

The other thing I did was track his contacts in an excel spreadsheet.  This was potentially important information in case I need it for the authorities.  Seems like this would be good for you, heaven forbid.  But the other thing that was really good about it was I tracked my "no response."  It was very helpful to acknowledge myself and the ENORMOUS EFFORT it took to not take the bait or get drawn in to any of his BS.

Hang in there.  You can do this.  So sorry you have to.  But you can do it!   

Thanks so much ReclaimingMyLife for your kind reply, I will definitely get this book you are recommending. I am sorry you are going through this, and for such a long period of time, I can only imagine how stressful and scary this must be, with the threats to you and your family, that is horrible    Is the stalking diminishing now with time and with you having strong strategies and a plan in place?

I consider myself lucky in comparison, my exBPDbf has only been texting and leaving messages, and except for the first 2-3 weeks after the breakup, he has only been watching me ‘from afar’. His messages and texts are mostly on the 'nice' side... .playing the victim, saying he wants to talk to me, still loves me, wishes things had turned out differently, mixed with blaming me or himself for random stuff, etc. No threats or anything like that, but, as you said, even the 'nice' stuff is unnerving. The worst thing is not knowing what to expect next, what is going on in his head, what is he gonna do next, when is this gonna stop, and WHY is he doing this? I won't hear from him for 2 weeks, will think it's over, then I get a message or a ‘coincidental’ appearance... .

Thanks for the 'no response' tracking suggestion. I have been NC for over a month ½ and I have been struggling with NC, mostly feeling guilty so every time he contacts me, I find myself struggling with the idea of answering him, sending him a letter, trying to get some kind of closure... .he has a way of waking up the guilt (playing the nice, sweet, sad guy) and the desire for me to express my side of the story, although I know I can’t expect getting any closure from him or having one last rational adult conversation with him. So far, I have resisted any contact back, it's been hard at times and it definitely slows down the healing and detachment process to worry about the next contact. So you are absolutely right, we have to acknowledge our efforts in not getting drawn back into it and not buying the BS!  You seem to be doing a great job at it, hang in there! We can do it!   Thanks so much, it helps so much to know that I am not alone.

Take care 

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Yolanda123
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« Reply #4 on: August 12, 2015, 11:44:05 AM »

I am not actually considering obtaining a restraining order, I don't think this is justifiable in the context and I don't want to go down that route.

My post was mainly on how my exBPD still being around affects me, making me anxious, sad and slowing down my healing/detachment process.

But thanks anyway that's fine  Being cool (click to insert in post)
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ReclaimingMyLife
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« Reply #5 on: August 17, 2015, 01:05:02 PM »

Yolanda123, I can only imagine how his being around affects you, makes you anxious and sad and slows down your healing/detachment process.  The "not letting go" behavior is so f'd up.  For everyone.  Even though I believe mine does not intend me any harm, his ongoing pursuit is/has been, in fact, harmful to me and my well-being.  I feel like I live in a petri dish.  Figuring out how to be constantly aware without being on hyper-alert and over-reactive is a tough balancing act. 

And I have only seen my ex once in person since the b/u (though he has come over when I wasn't there).  I can't imagine having to deal with seeing him like you are.  Bless you.  How could your ex's appearances not be bothersome?    I once saw my ex once driving down the highway (he didn't see me or at least I don't think so) and my heart was POUNDING!  Then he came over to my house one night, rang the bell but I just ignored him and sat where he couldn't see me if he was looking in. My heart was pounding again.

I have worked very hard to not give him ANY response (negative or positive).  Though at times I have sure thought about it a lot.  The "normal, healthy" part of me who has maintained a nice, post-b/u r/s with EVERY other ex would like to be able to have a "nice, normal, healthy" conversation with the "normal, healthy" part of him.  But I feel certain that even if the "normal, healthy" part of him could show up for said conversation, then eventually the "non-normal, not healthy" part of him would return and I would have simply re-set the clock to day #1. 

Have you tried any of Byron Katie's work on Loving What Is? I have found it very helpful during this time.  They have a free volunteer line where you can do the work with someone (for FREE!).  You just need to download a Judge Your Neighbor Worksheet (pdf's available online), fil it out and then check the volunteer schedule (instituteforthework.com/itw/content/helpline-list).  I haven't called in a while but I did so frequently when my ex was really ramped up.  Listening to her book (as opposed to reading it) was also very helpful during the his most intense times.   

Per your question, his contacts have diminished in time.  He once went like 36 days with no contact and I thought we were done. But alas, he returned.  One of these days he will quit.  Yours too.  We just don't know when. 

In the meantime, be smart and safe!
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Yolanda123
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« Reply #6 on: August 24, 2015, 09:36:35 PM »

Thanks ReclaimingMyLife - knowing I'm not alone is a big comfort. I haven't posted a lot lately, just reading others' posts. I needed to distance myself a little from everything BPD - I've been immersed thinking about it day and night since the breakup 12 weeks ago and I'm tired of him occupying all my thoughts - but reading others' stories is so helpful to me - it's a reality check,  when I feel like replying to him or writing him a letter, when compassion takes over, when I miss him, when the good memories take over.

Excerpt
I have worked very hard to not give him ANY response (negative or positive).  Though at times I have sure thought about it a lot.  The "normal, healthy" part of me who has maintained a nice, post-b/u r/s with EVERY other ex would like to be able to have a "nice, normal, healthy" conversation with the "normal, healthy" part of him.  But I feel certain that even if the "normal, healthy" part of him could show up for said conversation, then eventually the "non-normal, not healthy" part of him would return and I would have simply re-set the clock to day #1. 

Exactly that  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

I'm doing better though. My brain is taking the lead most of the time. Most of the time.

I got a text from him last Wednesday. «I hope that you've found someone better... .good night». I was off work that day so I suppose to him not seeing my car in the parking lot that day meant that I was in bed with another man   sure, why else would I take a day off work?   

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ReclaimingMyLife
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« Reply #7 on: August 24, 2015, 09:47:56 PM »

There definitely could be no other explanation for taking a day off from work (ha!).

Although, now that you mention it, I'd be delighted... .how nice that could be... .a sweet salve to the pain from the BPD ex... .a fun roll in the hay!

Smiling (click to insert in post) Smiling (click to insert in post)
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Yolanda123
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« Reply #8 on: August 26, 2015, 08:46:10 PM »

Well, I said in my earlier posts that his messages were on the 'nice' side. This has now changed. He left me a message on my home phone yesterday from his work. He seems delusional and he's talking about how he understands why the chef from a restaurant where I went a couple of times has sent him a FB friend request and that he does not appreciate that people think things about him that are untrue. ? I don't even know the chef of this restaurant, my exBPDbf is in the food business, there might be a common acquaintance, but he's thinking I have something to do in the story and accusing me of something. He then goes on about my message on the answering machine, saying how he sees that I've changed it, that I was keeping the same message from when I was with my ex. I haven't changed my message for at least 6-7 years, he knows that message damn well, he used to call me on my home phone all the time... .He then says that he needed to get this off his chest, that it's unfair that he had to go through this... .

Do they get delusional and psychotic at some point? I can tell his voice was different too, like he was not himself, much  more aggressive than in his last messages. Is he just trying anything to get me to react and respond?

I am freaking out and I am afraid of what he will do next. Please any feedback is welcome. I haven't replied to any texts or messages for over 2 months. When is this gonna stop?
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Yolanda123
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« Reply #9 on: August 26, 2015, 08:55:54 PM »

I forgot to add that I had another call from an anonymous caller 15 minutes after the first call and it was just silence for about 15 seconds then hang up.

I am afraid of him and don't know what to do anymore.  :'(
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rotiroti
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« Reply #10 on: August 26, 2015, 08:58:37 PM »

Oh Yolanda

That is some next level crazy... .especially that bit about changing your voicemail. Ugh... .make sure to document everything and hold onto that recording in case you need to report it to the authorities. Actually, if you feel like your safety is in danger, then why not report it?  Start looking after you!

but yes when a pwBPD deregulates, they can present with delusional (paranoid) features. I still get silent calls time to time but I never respond. They have definitely decreased in frequency after 2 months.
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Yolanda123
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« Reply #11 on: August 26, 2015, 09:40:02 PM »

Thanks for the   rotiroti

I'm keeping this message and I have his last blocked texts. Everything else I deleted.

I keep thinking it's gonna stop and I am afraid that reporting will escalate things and make them worse. But I'm thinking about it now, because the tone has definitely changed and I can't live in fear because of him.
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