Knowing you probably aren't missed

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

One thing that used to worry me about my ex (even before we became a couple) was how easily he could forget about someone once they were no longer right in front of him. He told me he loved one partner and a couple of months later he was speaking about her with half-amused detachment, as though he didn't understand why he'd ever thought anything of her. This was another reason why I was devastated when he told me about my replacement: I knew that this was probably the end of our friendship too. His past behaviour suggested that he would not be capable of maintaining any kind of friendship now that I was rarely around (he made it plain that he was too busy for me now) and he had someone else as the object of his attention. And it hurts that to him I am probably just one in a heap of discarded and vaguely remembered toys, while he meant a lot to me. How do other people here deal with the knowledge that they probably aren't missed? I keep trying to tell myself that whether I'm missed or not doesn't matter, what's in his head is no concern to me now, I just need to focus on getting back on my feet. Unfortunately telling myself that and acting on it are different things... .

[balletomane]

One thing that used to worry me about my ex (even before we became a couple) was how easily he could forget about someone once they were no longer right in front of him. He told me he loved one partner and a couple of months later he was speaking about her with half-amused detachment, as though he didn't understand why he'd ever thought anything of her. This was another reason why I was devastated when he told me about my replacement: I knew that this was probably the end of our friendship too. His past behaviour suggested that he would not be capable of maintaining any kind of friendship now that I was rarely around (he made it plain that he was too busy for me now) and he had someone else as the object of his attention. And it hurts that to him I am probably just one in a heap of discarded and vaguely remembered toys, while he meant a lot to me. How do other people here deal with the knowledge that they probably aren't missed? I keep trying to tell myself that whether I'm missed or not doesn't matter, what's in his head is no concern to me now, I just need to focus on getting back on my feet. Unfortunately telling myself that and acting on it are different things... .

[Lucky Jim]

I keep trying to tell myself that whether I'm missed or not doesn't matter, what's in his head is no concern to me now, I just need to focus on getting back on my feet.

Hey balletomane, I happen to agree w/you.  I went through similar pangs, which I suspect derive from codependency, which is to say, when we care more about what other people think about us than we do about what what we think of ourselves.  Does this make sense?  It's natural for a caretaker to take on the role of people pleaser, and I suspect most Nons have this trait to some extent, because otherwise they wouldn't be in a r/s with a pwBPD in the first place.  It's OK, you can break the habit once you become aware that the focus needs to be on you, not on what others think.

LuckyJim

[Mutt]

Hi balletomane,



I can see how that would hurt when our ex partners have the ability to "forget"  I was split black at the end of the r/s for about 24 months and it hurt like hell because I couldn't talk to my ex, it felt like I was talking to an entirely different person.

I can also see how "splitting" and being split black meant that I meant something to her. Our ex partners become triggered when we get close to them. I hope that helps.

My Definition of Love. I have Borderline Personality Disorder.


Hang in there.


----Mutt

[fromheeltoheal]

Also, borderlines have trouble with object constancy, meaning they have trouble associating to their emotions towards someone when that person isn't physically with them.  Some say 'absence makes the heart grow fonder' but for folks who lack object constancy, 'absence makes the heart grow colder'.  That's a burden in the relationship, and a need for a borderline to be physically close to a partner a lot, or at least talking on the phone or texting a lot, but it comes in handy when the relationship ends, move on to the next, don't carry any emotional baggage with you.  Might sound nice, but we don't want that.

[balletomane]

Also, borderlines have trouble with object constancy, meaning they have trouble associating to their emotions towards someone when that person isn't physically with them.  Some say 'absence makes the heart grow fonder' but for folks who lack object constancy, 'absence makes the heart grow colder'.  That's a burden in the relationship, and a need for a borderline to be physically close to a partner a lot, or at least talking on the phone or texting a lot, but it comes in handy when the relationship ends, move on to the next, don't carry any emotional baggage with you.  Might sound nice, but we don't want that.

That makes sense. My ex broke up with me after I'd been in my home country for three months, when I was trying to sort out a long-term visa to return to his country. He began to get upset over really irrational things when I had only been back in my home country for three weeks. He accused me of not loving him and he seemed distraught. That time I was able to reassure him and comfort him, but as time passed it only got worse. The embassy was taking ages to process my visa request and I couldn't give a definite date for my return, and looking back, I can see that agitated him more. I'm beginning to think that the relationship ended partly because he was convinced it was going to end, so he accelerated that ending as an act of sabotage. Once I had a definite date for my return he started to be nice to me again and to look forward to my arrival, even though we were broken up by this point. It also seems that he can't maintain his regard for someone for long when they're not physically close by. Recognising this as a symptom of the disorder rather than as a reflection on me does help.

[problemsolver]

Also, borderlines have trouble with object constancy, meaning they have trouble associating to their emotions towards someone when that person isn't physically with them.  Some say 'absence makes the heart grow fonder' but for folks who lack object constancy, 'absence makes the heart grow colder'.  That's a burden in the relationship, and a need for a borderline to be physically close to a partner a lot, or at least talking on the phone or texting a lot, but it comes in handy when the relationship ends, move on to the next, don't carry any emotional baggage with you.  Might sound nice, but we don't want that.

That makes sense. My ex broke up with me after I'd been in my home country for three months, when I was trying to sort out a long-term visa to return to his country. He began to get upset over really irrational things when I had only been back in my home country for three weeks. He accused me of not loving him and he seemed distraught. That time I was able to reassure him and comfort him, but as time passed it only got worse. The embassy was taking ages to process my visa request and I couldn't give a definite date for my return, and looking back, I can see that agitated him more. I'm beginning to think that the relationship ended partly because he was convinced it was going to end, so he accelerated that ending as an act of sabotage. Once I had a definite date for my return he started to be nice to me again and to look forward to my arrival, even though we were broken up by this point. It also seems that he can't maintain his regard for someone for long when they're not physically close by. Recognising this as a symptom of the disorder rather than as a reflection on me does help.

Interesting , visas are always really hard to obtain . Which country were you attempting to get into?

[balletomane]

Also, borderlines have trouble with object constancy, meaning they have trouble associating to their emotions towards someone when that person isn't physically with them.  Some say 'absence makes the heart grow fonder' but for folks who lack object constancy, 'absence makes the heart grow colder'.  That's a burden in the relationship, and a need for a borderline to be physically close to a partner a lot, or at least talking on the phone or texting a lot, but it comes in handy when the relationship ends, move on to the next, don't carry any emotional baggage with you.  Might sound nice, but we don't want that.

That makes sense. My ex broke up with me after I'd been in my home country for three months, when I was trying to sort out a long-term visa to return to his country. He began to get upset over really irrational things when I had only been back in my home country for three weeks. He accused me of not loving him and he seemed distraught. That time I was able to reassure him and comfort him, but as time passed it only got worse. The embassy was taking ages to process my visa request and I couldn't give a definite date for my return, and looking back, I can see that agitated him more. I'm beginning to think that the relationship ended partly because he was convinced it was going to end, so he accelerated that ending as an act of sabotage. Once I had a definite date for my return he started to be nice to me again and to look forward to my arrival, even though we were broken up by this point. It also seems that he can't maintain his regard for someone for long when they're not physically close by. Recognising this as a symptom of the disorder rather than as a reflection on me does help.

Interesting , visas are always really hard to obtain . Which country were you attempting to get into?

I don't want to give the name because it would instantly make me identifiable to my ex if he found this thread, and given that he's been diagnosed with BPD, it's not beyond the bounds of possibility that he would Google "BPD resources in X country" and find the forum.

[sas1729]

I'm sorry to hear this. There really is no emotional logic to the reactions that we encounter when in a relationship with a pwBPD. True, if you view everything through the rigorous logic of the disorder then things make sense. And perhaps this is what we need to do, because emotionally it is unsatisfying.

He forgot about you because this is the nature of BPD. It's much more about him than it is about you. What little comfort that brings is what we can get. As other have said, I believe that the nons in such a relationship must have a nurturing personality, because why would we be involved otherwise? And having this quality is a positive asset in many healthy relationships. Hang in there. It wasn't you; it was him and the disorder.

[LimboFL]

How does one explain the returns, if they don't miss us? Why the longing? Why the repeated attempts to communicate? The " I love you's"?

I believe the more appropriate way to look at this is that they do miss us but it ebbs and flows, just as it does with us. I happen to be going through another completely incomprehensible missing phase myself.

It is also spoken, at great length on this board, how they purposely block emotions to spare themselves the pain of it all. That it is a switch they have learned to throw.

I believe that it is an oversimplification to say that absence makes the heart grow colder. It might for a while, but then memories do return.

Sadly I watched my ex go through such longings about ex's, so it stands to reason that she will about me, just as your ex's will about you.

 

[GreenEyedMonster]

On the contrary, we are missed so much that our exes must block out the pain by any means necessary.  Not that this probably helps you move on, because there is nothing you can do about it.  But the harder you're pushed away, the closer you probably got.

[SGraham]

On the contrary, we are missed so much that our exes must block out the pain by any means necessary.  Not that this probably helps you move on, because there is nothing you can do about it.  But the harder you're pushed away, the closer you probably got.

I can't speak for balletomane but thinking that certainly helps me.