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Author Topic: Her extreme fear/avoidance of me after the final discard  (Read 9146 times)
rotiroti
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« Reply #120 on: August 25, 2015, 12:21:05 AM »

So the return of this ring would be closure for you? If so, I think I can understand that - much of the advice here is about deriving that sense of closure and validation from within. This is useful because it is powerful and lasting in my opinion... .While I don't believe a ring could offer that level of closure, I think it could be a very valuable piece in reaching that sort of resolution.

I say this because I was in a very similar situation. She eventually returned the ring to me and had she kept it I am sure it would've left unresolved and lingering emotions. The ring for me was the physical representation of my commitment and trust for her. The day before I left her I remember being worried about the ring. I had invested into an expensive cut, but came to realization that I couldn't put a price on my own freedom. Still there was value far beyond money  - I had the ring for a month prior to proposing. I can still feel the emotions when I first had it in my hands. I would be incredibly happy holding it, anticipating the moment of the proposal, and dreaming about the potential future.

When the ring had returned to me it was surreal. I was torn between happiness and sadness. Happiness that she returned the ring on her own volition and sadness that for me, the return truly meant the end of the r/s.

Looking back now I am really grateful for how it turned out. It hurt like hell, but at the same time I feel like everything... the universe solved itself out.

PS the volcano is a LOTR reference
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ShadowIntheNight
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« Reply #121 on: August 25, 2015, 12:22:03 AM »

JRT, haven't you learned anything Laugh out loud (click to insert in post). A narcissist goes silent for punishment. A borderline is always theVICTIM. You're the bad guy. Think about it. Two reasons why she disappeared, she is the VICTIM. Or she is punishing You.

Well Hurting, your post had the added bonus of helping me as well. Thanks.
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JRT
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« Reply #122 on: August 25, 2015, 12:24:15 AM »

JRT, haven't you learned anything Laugh out loud (click to insert in post). A narcissist goes silent for punishment. A borderline is always the VICTIM. You're the bad guy. Think about it. Two reasons why she disappeared, she is the VICTIM. Or she is punishing You.

I agree... .or both!
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JRT
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« Reply #123 on: August 25, 2015, 12:28:55 AM »

So the return of this ring would be closure for you? If so, I think I can understand that - much of the advice here is about deriving that sense of closure and validation from within. This is useful because it is powerful and lasting in my opinion... .While I don't believe a ring could offer that level of closure, I think it could be a very valuable piece in reaching that sort of resolve.

I say this because I was in a very similar situation. She eventually returned the ring to me and had she kept it I am sure it would've left unresolved and lingering emotions. The ring for me was the physical representation of my commitment and trust for her. The day before I left her I remember being worried about the ring. I had invested into an expensive cut, but came to realization that I couldn't put a price on my own freedom. Still there was value far beyond money  - I had the ring for a month prior to proposing. I can still feel the emotions when I first had it in my hands. I would be incredibly happy holding it, anticipating the moment of the proposal, and dreaming about the potential future.

When the ring had returned to me it was surreal. I was torn between happiness and sadness. Happiness that she returned the ring on her own volition and sadness that for me, the return truly meant the end of the r/s.

Looking back now I am really grateful for how it turned out. It hurt like hell, but at the same time I feel like everything... the universe solved itself out.

PS the volcano is a LOTR reference

NaT... .wow, you really took the words out of my mouth with this, thank you very much. While the return of the ring means so much, retaining it and my motivations for doing so are identical to yours. I am sure that it will be a bit emotional when it is returned... .if it is ever returned. She told her lawyer that she left it here (DEFINITELY not true), and it prompts yet another mystery: whey is she working so hard to keep the ring?

I'll know in 2 weeks! 

Thanks SO much for your great post.
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disillusionedandsore
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« Reply #124 on: August 25, 2015, 06:40:22 AM »

I think I may get it,  she's not worth it but you are! I don't always believe in being the bigger guy (letting it go) sometimes it's about standing up for yourself and minding your own business (which is taking care of your feelings and your property). I can see how doing something like this is sending the message that her behaviour is not above the law... .A natural consequence of messing you about. Just one thing I would say though is be prepared for more lies... . mine lied in court,  lied right to the judges face and seemed to be being believed until I got a whole lot more assertive about why I was there (safety order). Scary but knowing what I know now,  predictable.  Best of luck with it,  please keep us informed.  As to her extreme avoidance etc... .Perhaps because she cant ever be wrong? I would say in my experience with my two exs and mom,  they must be seen as good/flawless/perfect /innocent,  my ex certainly wouldn't admit to any malice... .
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Reforming
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« Reply #125 on: August 25, 2015, 06:44:49 AM »

Hi JRT

After all the responses from different members I thought it was worth revisiting your original post.

Has anyone had any experience with their ex exhibiting extreme fear towards you after a breakup?

Quite a few of us have shared this experience. I have. It's painful, confusing and very hurtful. I'm really sorry you're going through this but unfortunately you have no control over her choices or her behaviour. You cannot force her to give you closure or renew contact no matter how much you may want to.

Excerpt
It’s coming on 11 months since I last spoke with my exBPD/(possible NPD) fiancé. She moved out while I was on a business trip and notified me via text that she had done so. She blocked me from contact in every way that one can think of and went as far as to convince her family and friends that they should do the same on social media. It was a thorough ‘scorched earth’ ending.

A handful of times over this period, I had circumvented her blocks and contacted her (she simply hung up) only to have her manipulate the law (police, lawyer friends) to threaten me with legal action if I ever attempted to do so again. Even more strangely, she had left a large amount of valuable property here that I saved to return of which, only through third parties, she instructed me to discard or donate (the new lawyer now wants the stuff returned!).

This seems to be a very clear message that she wants to have no contact that she had underlined to the extent that she's prepared to abandon valuable belongings. We talk a lot here about the importance of establishing boundaries and respecting them. Do you feel you're respecting hers?

Excerpt
She has some property of mine that I would like to have returned among those items, the engagement ring. I took her to Europe to propose and and ran out of time before the trip so I had to buy a cheapo Sterling silver ring as a ‘stand in’ ring while her permanent one was being built….it only cost $250 but I want it back as it means a lot to me.

Why does a "cheapo Sterling silver ring stand in" mean a lot to you?

Are you trying to make a point that by forcibly retrieving a cheap ring, that was given as a gift, you're rejecting her or punishing her for her behaviour? Are you trying to force contact with her even if it's through conflict? This is not detaching... It is validating her feelings of fear and victimisation.

Excerpt
Here is where this gets interesting: I sent her a text message which she had replied via an attorney that does work for her employer threatening a PPO (though he doesn’t practice this type of law AND went as far as to admit that he has no case against me). She tells him she does not have the ring and I file the suit. She then goes to the cops in the city she now lives in to try to get them to compel me to DROP THE SUIT (since the lawsuit is contact, and she doesn’t want you to contact her)! The cop wanted to scare me as well and ended up admitting that I broke no law and that they would effectively do nothing so long as I was lawful.

Yesterday, the lawyer calls me back to ask for particulars about the case since his client will not accept the summons (huh?)! He further explained that he will be appearing in court to defend her….a $750 an hour lawyer is going to defend someone over a $250 ring (that she still has!).

I was under the impression that her avoidance up until this point was based upon control and avoidance of shame, which still has a stitch of truth, I feel. But I strongly now sense that her extreme avoidance is real fear, like something akin to death will happen to her if she communicates with me or, especially, sees me.  It certainly explains how she has been able to convince so many people to apply pressure on me when there is no legal case at all. She doesn’t have to act, she is REALLY afraid!

YES SHE CLEARLY IS. She feels threatened, persecuted and frightened all for the sake of sake of $250 cheapo sterling silver ring that you gave her as a gift. Is this what you want? Will it help you heal?

Excerpt
I have not really come across this at all on this forum or anywhere else. Has anyone else experienced anything similar or have an opinion on this? Is seeing me forcing her to deal with her BPD shame?

Excerpt
I want to state my question again: What does she fear? What is causing this behavior? Or is it not fear at all but power and punishment? Anyone?

I think a lot of different posters have covered this well. Overwhelming shame, victimisation, fear, inability to regulate emotions etc


The ring is intrinsically worthless, from what you've said she abandoned belongings that were worth much more money, but as a small token of the time and feelings you shared with her it seems to have some importance to her. Do you want erase that.

Excerpt
if she should reappear and make a commitment to therapy and some other criteria, that I would be willing to think about things.

Detaching can be hard at the best of times but, breaking up with someone suffering from a BPD is incredibly painful and traumatic. Nobody here is telling you what to do, but I think it's important to explore the why... .

I hope things work out for the best and that you can heal and move forward

Reforming
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shatra
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« Reply #126 on: August 25, 2015, 07:00:05 AM »

"especially when she makes silent calls and texts friends and such. This later is a confirmation that she established and kept a dummy FB account for the ostensible purpose of stalking me I caught her in January and I guess that I caught her now."

----How do you know she has a dummy FB account, and how did you "catch" her in January?  Can you share details about this?

SHatra
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ShadowIntheNight
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« Reply #127 on: August 25, 2015, 09:58:50 AM »

"especially when she makes silent calls and texts friends and such. This later is a confirmation that she established and kept a dummy FB account for the ostensible purpose of stalking me I caught her in January and I guess that I caught her now."

----How do you know she has a dummy FB account, and how did you "catch" her in January?  Can you share details about this?

SHatra

JRT has been on this forum for quite a while. He has answers to that question in his previous  posts which can be found by looking at his profile. It might be easier to look there than start a brand new tangent on this thread which has gotten exceedingly long even for BPD family standards.
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shatra
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« Reply #128 on: August 25, 2015, 10:11:52 AM »

  JRT has over 150 pages of posts on his profile. Does anyone remember which post had this info? It might be easier if there's a link. or just to post the info here
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JRT
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« Reply #129 on: August 25, 2015, 10:39:25 AM »

I think I may get it,  she's not worth it but you are! I don't always believe in being the bigger guy (letting it go) sometimes it's about standing up for yourself and minding your own business (which is taking care of your feelings and your property). I can see how doing something like this is sending the message that her behaviour is not above the law... .A natural consequence of messing you about. Just one thing I would say though is be prepared for more lies... . mine lied in court,  lied right to the judges face and seemed to be being believed until I got a whole lot more assertive about why I was there (safety order). Scary but knowing what I know now,  predictable.  Best of luck with it,  please keep us informed.  As to her extreme avoidance etc... .Perhaps because she cant ever be wrong? I would say in my experience with my two exs and mom,  they must be seen as good/flawless/perfect /innocent,  my ex certainly wouldn't admit to any malice... .

Thanks for your encouragement and thoughts, I really appreciate it! I have it in my mind that something wild will happen if she, in fact, shows up to court. I am sure that there will be lies and possible hysterics; I am incredibly curious as to what will happen.

Definitely will let you know!

Thanks again.
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BorisAcusio
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« Reply #130 on: August 25, 2015, 10:47:33 AM »

 JRT has over 150 pages of posts on his profile. Does anyone remember which post had this info? It might be easier if there's a link. or just to post the info here

Excerpt
I told the attorney about her stuff who told me to throw it away or give it away but I don't think that 'he realized what I had nor did she clearly. So I constructed a ruse: even though she blocked me on FB, I highly suspected that she was still monitoring my public posts. I took a picture of a large trunk that contained most of the important things and posted it on FB with the caption that I am getting rid of stuff in my cluttered basement, this is going into the trash if no one claims it by this weekend. Only one day later, her FRIEND contacts me via IM to see if she can pick it up (I refused insisting that my ex and my ex only will be the only one that I release it to accompanied by an explanation as to why she did what she did.... NON negotiable)... .I heard nothing back... .the entire exchange was childish and silly... .I wonder if it was ex just using her GF's account.

To be honest, I'm quite concerned where this might be heading. It seems to me that she actually claimed her belongings through a third party.
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JRT
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« Reply #131 on: August 25, 2015, 11:08:55 AM »

"especially when she makes silent calls and texts friends and such. This later is a confirmation that she established and kept a dummy FB account for the ostensible purpose of stalking me I caught her in January and I guess that I caught her now."

----How do you know she has a dummy FB account, and how did you "catch" her in January?  Can you share details about this?

SHatra

I created a ruse back then. I made my profile in December (it had always been public in the past anyway, I just unhid it from her, even though she blocked me which means that she couldn't see me if she wanted, she is VERY MUCH the stalker type and I knew she would be doing this on all social media, including dating sites.).

She had left an incredible amount of stuff here. Among them was an antique trunk that was handed down from her grandmother. It was full of keepsake type of stuff and I REALLY wanted her to have it back. Not only was it important enough so that she saved it and its contents, but it was a trigger to me every time I walked by it. So I took a picture of it and put it on FB and wrote int he caption, "New Years resolution is to clean out the basement - this trunk and its contents are available to the first person that shows up here otherwise it goes in the trash on Saturday'.

Its a nice trunk so it got a ton of people that wanted it immediately. The very next morning, the FIRST thing in the morning, I got an IM from her GF wanting the trunk and her property. All that I wanted to know was if she was stalking me and this was confirmation... .must be every day ion fact to have responded that quickly. The convo with the GF was odd to say the least and I suspect that it might have even been my ex. My condition was that she come and pick her stuff up without condition but she had to do so in person. She swore at me a couple of times (mature right?) and dropped off the IM.

Yesterday, I noticed that my friend count on FB had not increased even though I met a bunch of new people and added them there. On a hunch, I checked to see if the 3 straggler relatives of hers were still there and confirmed that not only was I unfriended, but was blocked (more maturity). In order for her to see if they remained connected to me, would have to use an account other than her own (since I was blocked). THEN she would have to manually search through all of my friends (I have 1200 FB contacts) and THEN contact them and make a case for blocking and then SHOW them how to do it over the phone. Quite the considerable effort to throw a pebble at me huh? I never felt that she could possibly be this immature but holy cow, I am amazed!

As far as FB goes, there is some urban wisdom abut finding out who visited you but its phoney. There is no way to figure out who has been visiting your profile. 
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JRT
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« Reply #132 on: August 25, 2015, 11:10:04 AM »

 JRT has over 150 pages of posts on his profile. Does anyone remember which post had this info? It might be easier if there's a link. or just to post the info here

Excerpt
I told the attorney about her stuff who told me to throw it away or give it away but I don't think that 'he realized what I had nor did she clearly. So I constructed a ruse: even though she blocked me on FB, I highly suspected that she was still monitoring my public posts. I took a picture of a large trunk that contained most of the important things and posted it on FB with the caption that I am getting rid of stuff in my cluttered basement, this is going into the trash if no one claims it by this weekend. Only one day later, her FRIEND contacts me via IM to see if she can pick it up (I refused insisting that my ex and my ex only will be the only one that I release it to accompanied by an explanation as to why she did what she did.... NON negotiable)... .I heard nothing back... .the entire exchange was childish and silly... .I wonder if it was ex just using her GF's account.

To be honest, I'm quite concerned where this might be heading. It seems to me that she actually claimed her belongings through a third party.

What are your concerns?
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DreamGirl
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« Reply #133 on: August 25, 2015, 12:04:49 PM »

Staff only

Locking this one up, it's surpassed the post limit.
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