Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
January 20, 2021, 12:33:50 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Harri, Once Removed
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, I Am Redeemed, Mutt, Turkish
  Help!   Groups   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
204
Pages: [1] 2 ... 5  All   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Her extreme fear/avoidance of me after the final discard  (Read 9115 times)
JRT
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1809


« on: August 20, 2015, 11:27:53 AM »

Has anyone had any experience with their ex exhibiting extreme fear towards you after a breakup?

It’s coming on 11 months since I last spoke with my exBPD/(possible NPD) fiancé. She moved out while I was on a business trip and notified me via text that she had done so. She blocked me from contact in every way that one can think of and went as far as to convince her family and friends that they should do the same on social media. It was a thorough ‘scorched earth’ ending.

A handful of times over this period, I had circumvented her blocks and contacted her (she simply hung up) only to have her manipulate the law (police, lawyer friends) to threaten me with legal action if I ever attempted to do so again. Even more strangely, she had left a large amount of valuable property here that I saved to return of which, only through third parties, she instructed me to discard or donate (the new lawyer now wants the stuff returned!).

I really thought that at some point she would come around and we would be able to have at least conversation or maybe even a friendship so that I could have closure; after all, this was a person with whom I had a stellar relationship, no arguing, no fighting, no disagreements (I don’t think that I ever so much as raised my voice to her!) – she was not a classic pwBPD , rather a waif.  We were pretty happy and the final breakup took place at a point where we were the closest.

She has some property of mine that I would like to have returned among those items, the engagement ring. I took her to Europe to propose and and ran out of time before the trip so I had to buy a cheapo Sterling silver ring as a ‘stand in’ ring while her permanent one was being built….it only cost $250 but I want it back as it means a lot to me.

Here is where this gets interesting: I sent her a text message which she had replied via an attorney that does work for her employer threatening a PPO (though he doesn’t practice this type of law AND went as far as to admit that he has no case against me). She tells him she does not have the ring and I file the suit. She then goes to the cops in the city she now lives in to try to get them to compel me to DROP THE SUIT (since the lawsuit is contact, and she doesn’t want you to contact her)! The cop wanted to scare me as well and ended up admitting that I broke no law and that they would effectively do nothing so long as I was lawful.

Yesterday, the lawyer calls me back to ask for particulars about the case since his client will not accept the summons (huh?)! He further explained that he will be appearing in court to defend her….a $750 an hour lawyer is going to defend someone over a $250 ring (that she still has!).

I was under the impression that her avoidance up until this point was based upon control and avoidance of shame, which still has a stitch of truth, I feel. But I strongly now sense that her extreme avoidance is real fear, like something akin to death will happen to her if she communicates with me or, especially, sees me.  It certainly explains how she has been able to convince so many people to apply pressure on me when there is no legal case at all. She doesn’t have to act, she is REALLY afraid!

I have not really come across this at all on this forum or anywhere else. Has anyone else experienced anything similar or have an opinion on this? Is seeing me forcing her to deal with her BPD shame?


Logged
once removed
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 11506



« Reply #1 on: August 20, 2015, 11:54:31 AM »

jrt,

she blocked your contact and you went to lengths to get around it and further contact her.

police and lawyers are now involved.

you want a gift back. youre willing to go to legal lengths over an amount totaling two hundred and fifty dollars, when the legal expenses would almost certainly be greater. i reiterate: this was a gift.

are your efforts about control and shame? are you attempting to force her to deal with her BPD shame? what is this really about?



Logged

     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
JRT
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1809


« Reply #2 on: August 20, 2015, 11:59:36 AM »

It is not a gift in the state that I live in, its an instrument to a contract and recoverable if the contract is not fully executed. Police and lawyers do NOT have a case and have admitted this.

I am willing to sue her in small claims court to recover my property (not limited to the engagement ring). My efforts are about closure... .do you have any thoughts on HER behavior?
Logged
BorisAcusio
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 671



« Reply #3 on: August 20, 2015, 12:57:36 PM »

Excerpt
do you have any thoughts on HER behavior?

JRT, at this point, it's really more about YOU than her.

You repeatedly disregard her wishes, breach boundaries, invade privacy, triggering engulfment fears. Her part time bad - the punitive parent living in her head - actived and now she must get away from the controlling behaviour that is threatening her very existence. I know you have the best intentions in mind but this is how it translates to her.

Excerpt
She has some property of mine that I would like to have returned among those items, the engagement ring. I took her to Europe to propose and and ran out of time before the trip so I had to buy a cheapo Sterling silver ring as a ‘stand in’ ring while her permanent one was being built….it only cost $250 but I want it back as it means a lot to me.

Are we sure that it's not an attempt to coerce her into interaction?

What you're going through is completely understandeble. Detaching is an excruciating process and people often get fixated at different stages before moving on the next phase.

Excerpt
Denial can assume many forms. Some go on pretending that the borderline is still a part of their life, even going to the extreme of "interacting" with the borderline by pretending to "communicate" with him or to "meet" him. Others develop persecutory delusions, thus incorporating the imaginary borderline into their lives as an ominous and dark presence. This ensures "her" continued "interest" in them – however malevolent and threatening that "interest" is perceived to be. These are radical denial mechanisms, which border on the psychotic and often dissolve into brief psychotic micro-episodes.

www.selfgrowth.com/articles/Vaknin26.html
Logged
once removed
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 11506



« Reply #4 on: August 20, 2015, 01:04:14 PM »

"do you have any thoughts on HER behavior?"

i do, jrt. her behavior includes blocking your contact, which you have not respected. it includes contacting a lawyer and police. she has repeatedly sent a message of "do not contact me". by your own admission, you circumvented her efforts. why? because... .

"My efforts are about closure"

this speaks volumes, and ill tread lightly here, because i can relate. i tried to force the exchange of things for two months. those efforts on my part were an attempt to force closure, something my ex could not give me or was unwilling to give me; something i ultimately had to give to myself. giving that up was not something that came easily for me, i assure you. when i finally did, it opened up a brand new and powerful pain. i accepted that the outcome was not something i could control, and that we cannot force another to give us closure or what closure means to us. it hurt, indescribably, but it allowed me to move forward.

i think we need to ask ourselves how far and how long we are willing to go to avoid feeling this pain; pain that we can emerge from. i cant and wont tell you what to do. you may well have legal rights, im no expert in that regard. what i can do is ask if its worth it, and what it would bring? would it solve this pain?
Logged

     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
Beach_Babe
Also known as FriedaB
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Single
Posts: 2412



« Reply #5 on: August 20, 2015, 01:12:32 PM »

Were your previous contacts made in attempt to recover this property? If so, you have the legal right to file suit for recovery.  That the police would imply differently is insanity.
Logged

Learning_curve74
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1333



« Reply #6 on: August 20, 2015, 01:30:23 PM »

JRT, how many times has she called the police on you? If it is numerous times, you are setting yourself up with a pattern of harassment that could possibly be a stalking charge depending on the laws in whichever state is applicable.

If you just want the ring back, sue her in small claims court and handle everything in a businesslike manner. If you are asking more from her, she is obviously not giving it to you. Do you think pushing harder will give you better results? What has been the outcome so far?
Logged

JRT
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1809


« Reply #7 on: August 20, 2015, 01:48:17 PM »

JRT, how many times has she called the police on you? If it is numerous times, you are setting yourself up with a pattern of harassment that could possibly be a stalking charge depending on the laws in whichever state is applicable.

If you just want the ring back, sue her in small claims court and handle everything in a businesslike manner. If you are asking more from her, she is obviously not giving it to you. Do you think pushing harder will give you better results? What has been the outcome so far?

Hi LC... .She called the cops on Xmas eve when I tried to call her and when she received the summons from small claims court ... .so no, there is no pattern and between the cops and the attorney I am going to repeat, they all admitted that she had no case at all.

I really appreciate the responses, but I didn't want to know about me and what I need to do to fix me. Matter of fact, this has help me to gain some sense of empowerment over this situation; where I felt violated and impotent to do ANYTHING before, I feel that like I have a sense of control and the feeling of violation almost seems to be gone. This has been the best thing that I did as it relates to this situation.

I want to state my question again: What does she fear? What is causing this behavior? Or is it not fear at all but power and punishment? Anyone?
Logged
Beach_Babe
Also known as FriedaB
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Single
Posts: 2412



« Reply #8 on: August 20, 2015, 01:55:18 PM »

I don't have a whole lot of experience with this as mine was mainly angry and punitive, but I think she feels afraid.
Logged

joeramabeme
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: In process of divorcing
Posts: 995



« Reply #9 on: August 20, 2015, 02:00:03 PM »

I was under the impression that her avoidance up until this point was based upon control and avoidance of shame, which still has a stitch of truth, I feel. But I strongly now sense that her extreme avoidance is real fear, like something akin to death will happen to her if she communicates with me or, especially, sees me.  It certainly explains how she has been able to convince so many people to apply pressure on me when there is no legal case at all. She doesn’t have to act, she is REALLY afraid!

Control, Avoidance, Shame or Fear: I know they are not the same but will lump them into one category - Self Defense.  She is defending herself.  Very likely from a fragile and underdeveloped sense of self that cannot look in the mirror; which is exactly what you represent, a mirror of her actions, thoughts, feelings and confusion.  You have come to symbolize her disorder.  What she is unable to look at inside herself has now been manifest as you.  I think this is what we call "painted Black". 

You are not really the problem, just her manifestation of it.  Sorry to say there is nothing you can do to change her perceptions of you because she is unable to see you in the present moment.


I have not really come across this at all on this forum or anywhere else. Has anyone else experienced anything similar or have an opinion on this? Is seeing me forcing her to deal with her BPD shame?

Yes, I have.  Toward the end, my wife became afraid of me for no apparent reason.  She could not explain it to me when I asked about it and would not look closer at it.  She wanted out and was more desperate to get out as the days went by even though I am pretty sure there is no one that she is running to.  I believe I had become the manifestation of her ineffable internal unresolved emotional stew. 

Is seeing me forcing her to deal with her BPD shame?

Seeing you is not forcing her to deal with anything, it is scaring the sh!t out of her and she is really clear with you, don't come any closer. 

You have every right to expect and want to see her.  Every right to be upset, hurt, confused, lost etc.  But none of that changes her feelings.  Further confounding this matter is that she already probably knows or has a strong sense of how you feel.  This only compounds the issue for her.

I decided awhile back that I would not coerce my 2bx in anyway to see me, comfort me, get closure with me etc.  Instead, I would just try and be a friend the best I could in any way that she would/could handle and that would not hurt me or her.  That does not leave too many options. 

I was married for 10 years, so I can feel your pain.  It is jarring, jolting, disorienting, painful and more.  No one can understand it who hasnt been through it. 

Once Removed said it well; the sooner you can start to accept this the sooner YOU will be free to move on.  Yes, I know that is not what you want to hear and I wished it were different for you.  But the more you force your will on her the further away she will go.  That does not imply that she will come running to you if you do not impose yourself either, as you have learned over the last 11 months.   

Hang in there.  Consider whether getting your ring is really worth having to emotionally relive this painful event over and over.  Perhaps have a ceremony with a close friend were you can grieve the loss of someone you felt so much for.

Keep posting.
Logged
JRT
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1809


« Reply #10 on: August 20, 2015, 02:21:19 PM »

Thanks for your post Joe (and a nice cherry sunburst that you have there!)... .

That made a lot of sense to me and in general... .I really thought that 11 months would have have served to clear the air a bit where we could talk or at least return property... .seeing how galvanized that she remains gives me a sense that this will never happen... .I have been dating since January and still have some feeling to work out no doubt... .among them, taking her to court has had a monumental positive impact on what little I have left to work on but I was not prepared for how stubbornly she is maintaining her posture... .Meh! That's her problem ... .I am just curious to know whats underneath the hood.

Logged
Mutt
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
Posts: 10278



WWW
« Reply #11 on: August 20, 2015, 04:32:22 PM »

Hi JRT,

You got good advice. I wanted to give you advice. Negative attention is still attention if you were to go to court. I agree that's her problem, shift that attention to the person you've been seeing since January.
Logged

"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
HappyNihilist
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1013



WWW
« Reply #12 on: August 20, 2015, 04:45:41 PM »

JRT, I'm sorry you're struggling with this.   It's hard to detach and find closure.

Her extreme avoidance behaviors after the breakup mean this - she does not want to have contact with you.

Does it really matter what the reason might be? It doesn't change the situation at all.

Sometimes we focus all our attention on trying to analyze details, rather than stepping back and seeing the big picture.

She is an adult human being, who has the right to decide not to talk to someone. No matter her reasons. You may not agree with, understand, or even know her reasons - that doesn't change her decision.

Circumventing her attempts to avoid contact is not an action that shows respect for her decisions and boundaries. This is in no way saying that you are disrespectful - just that some of the actions don't exhibit respect. Instead they say, "I know what is better for you than you do." No adult, BPD or not, likes to hear that.

Unfortunately, often we can only give ourselves closure after relationships like this. Relying on an ex, especially one with BPD or BPD traits, to provide closure is an exercise in futility. What do you think you might be able to do to give yourself closure and find peace?
Logged
JRT
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1809


« Reply #13 on: August 20, 2015, 05:02:12 PM »

JRT, I'm sorry you're struggling with this.   It's hard to detach and find closure.

Her extreme avoidance behaviors after the breakup mean this - she does not want to have contact with you.

Does it really matter what the reason might be? It doesn't change the situation at all.

Sometimes we focus all our attention on trying to analyze details, rather than stepping back and seeing the big picture.

She is an adult human being, who has the right to decide not to talk to someone. No matter her reasons. You may not agree with, understand, or even know her reasons - that doesn't change her decision.

Circumventing her attempts to avoid contact is not an action that shows respect for her decisions and boundaries. This is in no way saying that you are disrespectful - just that some of the actions don't exhibit respect. Instead they say, "I know what is better for you than you do." No adult, BPD or not, likes to hear that.

Unfortunately, often we can only give ourselves closure after relationships like this. Relying on an ex, especially one with BPD or BPD traits, to provide closure is an exercise in futility. What do you think you might be able to do to give yourself closure and find peace?

I am not struggling with this... .just trying to understand... .do you have perspective regarding her behavior? I am good with my behavior.
Logged
HappyNihilist
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1013



WWW
« Reply #14 on: August 20, 2015, 05:20:44 PM »

do you have perspective regarding her behavior?

I did give my perspective on her behavior - that she does not want to have contact. Beyond that, only she knows for sure. But her message is clear.

She may be stuck in a place where she can't get down to a 'safe' emotional baseline. For instance, if she did run away because of extreme fears (abandonment, engulfment, whatever) - and contact or attempted contact from you triggers her fears - then it may be that she's been unable to 'regulate' because she keeps being triggered again before she's able to process through the previous trigger. Sometimes we can inadvertently trigger and keep triggering someone's fears with what we see as caring or even neutral actions.

The problem comes when we keep triggering them - even when we realize that we are - because we feel that our needs/fears/etc. are more important or valid than theirs.
Logged
joeramabeme
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: In process of divorcing
Posts: 995



« Reply #15 on: August 20, 2015, 05:26:55 PM »

I am not struggling with this... .just trying to understand... ..do you have perspective regarding her behavior? I am good with my behavior.

JRT - The best thing I have heard to date, and it is not so nice, in regards to your question is; "Thank God you can't understand crazy".  You are not going to "get it".  And it is very likely that she only understands parts of it, else she would just tell you.

If you need a framework to put it in, think of it this way.  She has emotional triggers buried inside her that even she is not aware of.  They are like landmines hidden below the top soil.  Suddenly you walk on one and BOOM you have been deeply injured.  That is what happened.  

Your questions sounds like; who put the mine there, why was it put there and what do I do about it.  They are good questions to ask so that you do not walk on another mine but serve little purpose in understanding what has happened and what must be done to recover.  How and why is beyond what can be understood, at least for today.

So, I think what people are trying to say here is, you cannot figure out why but, figure out what happened (I stepped on a mine) and how not to do it again (for example, I will be more aware of when I am walking where there are mines).

Perhaps not a great analogy but then again, none of the pain we are dealing with is dealt easily with words, rather, caring and kind thoughts for each of our well beings, like the ones being sent to you.  
Logged
JRT
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1809


« Reply #16 on: August 20, 2015, 05:46:09 PM »

@HN... .thanks! That helps

@Joe... .how and why is precisely what I am looking for... .sure, perhaps I cannot find it or it is something that cannot be answered, I am ok with that. What I was REALLY hoping for is to see if someone else had a similar experience and learn from their observations and perspective. If there was no one, or if it is unanswerable, I am good with that too!
Logged
joeramabeme
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: In process of divorcing
Posts: 995



« Reply #17 on: August 20, 2015, 06:03:50 PM »

@HN... .thanks! That helps

@Joe... .how and why is precisely what I am looking for... .sure, perhaps I cannot find it or it is something that cannot be answered, I am ok with that. What I was REALLY hoping for is to see if someone else had a similar experience and learn from their observations and perspective. If there was no one, or if it is unanswerable, I am good with that too!

YES!  I went through this exact thing.  Many of us did. 

Here are more of my details.  My wife and I were supposed to buy a house and have a child.  We house shopped for 10 years, literally!  We finally found the perfect home and she would not make an offer on it. 

I was very loving and gentle with her even though I felt like I was living in a surreal fantasy.  Shortly after this, she said, let's go look at more homes.  We got out our spreadsheet and she wanted to dictate the conversation.  I got pissed and yelled at her.  She walked up stairs and closed the bedroom door and for 3 months did not talk or interact with me.  When she came back out she said I want a divorce.  What the heck!  I asked why, she said that our last argument was the straw that broke the camels back and she was not happy.  I suggested separation with reconciliation to which she said no. 

I have had multiple occasions to ask her WHY. She told me she was simply not happy. That's it!  Don't you think I have some unanswered questions like yours?  Of course I do.  Yet I have no more answers to the questions than you.  I have gone back in my mind and traced out a more coherent image of what was going on in the marriage that preceded this breakdown.  But at best, I have theories.  She will not talk with me, has moved out and will not tell me her new address.

JRT, are you hearing this?  The circumstances of the story are different, but the emotional dynamic is identical.  My perspective is that she has hidden triggers from unresolved emotional harms done to her as a child.  Our intimacy brought her close to those fears and I became the representation of it.  Her only way to stay safe from her internal hurt is to create separation.  For her there is confusion and a need to appear all together from the outside.  It looks like she is running away from me, but it is probably more accurate that she is running away from herself and this has little to do with me directly other than I was involved with her.

It is not that the question is unanswerable it is that the answer lies within the other person.  We can speculate and try to understand with whatever information we have but at the end of the day it is just that, speculation.  Your peace will come from within you.  What others here are saying, get your own inner peace and these questions will not bother you to the measure they presently do. 

Where do you want to be 11 months from now?  Wondering what she is thinking? 
Logged
JohnnyShoes
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 166



« Reply #18 on: August 20, 2015, 06:19:19 PM »

Cut your losses.

You will NOT feel better going down this road.

From what you've already experienced... .there's no hint that she has any remaining interest in seeing or hearing from you... .

It would be wise to just let it drop from your hands... .you feel better that you did.

Be the bigger person here... .let her leave.
Logged
Herodias
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1787


« Reply #19 on: August 20, 2015, 07:15:46 PM »

I would think if she took any of your belongings that were of great value, it may be worth pursuing... .a ring is usually considered a gift. My styx husband actually keeps his in his car which bothers his girlfriend. I think he likes it as a reminder of me/us. Maybe yours is doing the same. If I were you I would let her have that reminder and leave her be... .you are just creating drama and if you leave her be, she may actually eventually talk to you. It's that hardest thing to do, believe me! I am out after 8 years of my life trying to "help" this person I loved very much, who just decide he didn't want to be with me anymore. I knew too much about him and he had done too many shameful things to me that he couldn't face me anymore. None of it really makes sense to me.  Sometimes he wants me to take him back, yet I don't agree to it, because I know it only gets worse if I were to. I am not even sure he really means it.Just testing me. Sorry for your situation... .we are all in the same boat here... .listen and your pain will be understood and eased with your decisions to help  yourself. Time does't heal these relationships... .only working on yourself and moving away from them does.
Logged
JRT
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1809


« Reply #20 on: August 20, 2015, 11:38:34 PM »

@Joe... .thanks for sharing that story, I really appreciate it and am very sorry that you had to got through that... .I know the pain as it is similar to that story.

I guess I should have worded my question differently as I got more advice of what I should do and what might be wrong with me than answers regarding what is propelling her actions. While the advice is not unvaluable and very much appreciated, it doesn't give me insight into her behavior which profoundly helps me to better understand her behavior and the situation and has been the primary method for my healing. I might rephrase the question on another thread in the future.

My state is a state in which engagements rings are instruments to contracts; if the contract is not executed, the ring is recoverable.

This incident has made me feel powerless and imprisoned. Suing her for her ring (and the associated hi-jinx from her incompetent attorney and her quixotic plea to the local cops) has been the best thing that I have done during this entire sordid mess. I simply don't see how doing nothing nothing and 'respecting her boundaries' restores a sense of control and empowerment over a situation that was lost by what she had done, maybe I have 'issues'. I couldn't think of a better epilogue to this story.

Logged
Sunfl0wer
`
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: He moved out mid March
Posts: 2583



« Reply #21 on: August 20, 2015, 11:52:30 PM »

Excerpt
empowerment over a situation

Is it possible that you may feel even more empowered when you do not rely on another person's behaviors or actions to feel that way? 

Logged

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.~Anais Nin
JRT
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1809


« Reply #22 on: August 21, 2015, 01:14:47 AM »

Excerpt
empowerment over a situation

Is it possible that you may feel even more empowered when you do not rely on another person's behaviors or actions to feel that way? 

This approach didn't work for 11 months. The approach that I took was immediate. So, no... .
Logged
blissful_camper
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 611



« Reply #23 on: August 21, 2015, 01:35:21 AM »

What I'm hearing is that by taking action, JRT is instilled with a sense of empowerment. Is that correct, JRT?  

Does it matter, then, how this plays out?  (Retrieving the ring or not)

Are you okay leaving it where it stands which is your taking action and feeling empowered by that action?

To me it sounds as though asserting yourself is what made you feel empowered.   Did you assert yourself during the relationship?

Logged
JRT
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1809


« Reply #24 on: August 21, 2015, 01:48:14 AM »

What I'm hearing is that by taking action, JRT is instilled with a sense of empowerment. Is that correct, JRT?  

Does it matter, then, how this plays out?  (Retrieving the ring or not)

Are you okay leaving it where it stands which is your taking action and feeling empowered by that action?

To me it sounds as though asserting yourself is what made you feel empowered.   Did you assert yourself during the relationship?

I think that you are getting it BC... .of course I was assertive during our r/s... .definitely in a healthy way... .it was the way that the breakup happened that made me feel violated and powerless... .suing for the ring (which I will follow through), of which I have the right restores my sense of empowerment ... .retrieving the ring will absolutely matter as it close the loop on the action
Logged
blissful_camper
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 611



« Reply #25 on: August 21, 2015, 01:59:35 AM »

What I'm hearing is that by taking action, JRT is instilled with a sense of empowerment. Is that correct, JRT?  

Does it matter, then, how this plays out?  (Retrieving the ring or not)

Are you okay leaving it where it stands which is your taking action and feeling empowered by that action?

To me it sounds as though asserting yourself is what made you feel empowered.   Did you assert yourself during the relationship?

I think that you are getting it BC... .of course I was assertive during our r/s... .definitely in a healthy way... .it was the way that the breakup happened that made me feel violated and powerless... .suing for the ring (which I will follow through), of which I have the right restores my sense of empowerment ... .retrieving the ring will absolutely matter as it close the loop on the action

Okay. I get it.

I'm baffled as to why she's keeping the ring since she essentially called off the engagement. State laws or no, I wouldn't feel comfortable hanging onto an engagement ring under those circumstances.

Was this her first engagement?
Logged
lm911
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 189


« Reply #26 on: August 21, 2015, 07:28:01 AM »

JRT,

Get out of the FOG!

What is happening is that you felt obligation to contact her to make closure, now most of the users here acuse you of continue to contact her although she said not to and had blocked you. Meaning that now you are suppose to feel guilty! But you are not guilty! Change the focus from her to yourself, change your thoughts and stop trying to contact her in order to stop the feelings of fear,obligation, guilt.

It is a good idea to read the book Stop Caretaking Borderline. It is a very good book.
Logged
JRT
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1809


« Reply #27 on: August 21, 2015, 10:11:42 AM »

What I'm hearing is that by taking action, JRT is instilled with a sense of empowerment. Is that correct, JRT?  

Does it matter, then, how this plays out?  (Retrieving the ring or not)

Are you okay leaving it where it stands which is your taking action and feeling empowered by that action?

To me it sounds as though asserting yourself is what made you feel empowered.   Did you assert yourself during the relationship?

I think that you are getting it BC... .of course I was assertive during our r/s... .definitely in a healthy way... .it was the way that the breakup happened that made me feel violated and powerless... .suing for the ring (which I will follow through), of which I have the right restores my sense of empowerment ... .retrieving the ring will absolutely matter as it close the loop on the action

Okay. I get it.

I'm baffled as to why she's keeping the ring since she essentially called off the engagement. State laws or no, I wouldn't feel comfortable hanging onto an engagement ring under those circumstances.

Was this her first engagement?

I also felt that it was odd (she took mushy greeting cards off the fridge too with her that she sent me), she told the attorney that she left the ring where she clearly did not.

This is her third engagement. She was married once (for 8 months) and broke up with a long distance relationship after a 5 month relationship as that man was 'controlling'.
Logged
JRT
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1809


« Reply #28 on: August 21, 2015, 10:13:44 AM »

JRT,

Get out of the FOG!

What is happening is that you felt obligation to contact her to make closure, now most of the users here acuse you of continue to contact her although she said not to and had blocked you. Meaning that now you are suppose to feel guilty! But you are not guilty! Change the focus from her to yourself, change your thoughts and stop trying to contact her in order to stop the feelings of fear,obligation, guilt.

It is a good idea to read the book Stop Caretaking Borderline. It is a very good book.

Thanks for your advice, it was nice for you to provide it. Do you have any perspective as to her avoidance and what is causing it? Did you have a partner that behaved like this?
Logged
lm911
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 189


« Reply #29 on: August 21, 2015, 11:34:49 AM »

JRT,

Get out of the FOG!

What is happening is that you felt obligation to contact her to make closure, now most of the users here acuse you of continue to contact her although she said not to and had blocked you. Meaning that now you are suppose to feel guilty! But you are not guilty! Change the focus from her to yourself, change your thoughts and stop trying to contact her in order to stop the feelings of fear,obligation, guilt.

It is a good idea to read the book Stop Caretaking Borderline. It is a very good book.

Thanks for your advice, it was nice for you to provide it. Do you have any perspective as to her avoidance and what is causing it? Did you have a partner that behaved like this?

I have the same issue, mine is avoiding me like a mouse from a cat. If she sees me, she runs. I am blocked from everywhere and I am blamed for this happening. Here is a quote why she is running and why you are painted black:

"It might help to realize that the reason this is happening is because pwBPD are triggered by emotional intimacy.  Without a significant degree of emotional intimacy the disorder would never be triggered.  It may be hard to accept, but your gf is running away because she is so close to you.  That doesn't make rational sense - it can only be understood without the mindset of the disorder.  It is very real for her, however, and it's important to remember that.  This is her reality and the only one she knows.  It's also important to realize that you are a trigger right now.  This is not your fault.  There is nothing that you did to cause this.  It's not because you aren't good enough.  It's not because of anything you did or didn't do.  This is just the disorder at work.  Being a trigger, however, means that it is very hard for your gf to have contact with you because it is stirring up overwhelming emotions.  She doesn't have the ability to self soothe"
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2021?

Pages: [1] 2 ... 5  All   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2020 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
40days_in_desert
Ahquei3s
alphabeta
Amethyste
Angie59
ArtistGuy70
AskingWhy
assumezero
At Bay
Avanzando
Baglady
Beneck
bigredneck
Bittlecat
Boll Weevil
calmboom
Cat Familiar
Chosen
Dnmtnbkr
drained1996
Eggshellsbroken
FaintTheGoat
FaithHopeLove
FindingMe2011
Forgiveness
freespirit
GaGrl
ggGreg
Gift to Myself
gotbushels
Harri
hopeandchoices
I Am Redeemed
Imatter33
Jazzy48
jdc
jones54
Jonthan
Katrinalove
Kwamina
l8kgrl
LLgreen
Longterm
lorymac
lovenature
loyalwife
lucidone
Manifest32f
MariannaR
Meridius
Methuen
mgirl
Minttea
Mommydoc
Mutt
narcdaughter2
needPeace
NorseWoman
Notgoneyet
oceanheart
oftentimes
Omega1
once removed
Only Human
otherlife
palynne
PeacefulMom
Pedro
pest947
podsnapG
ProudDad12
pursuingJoy
Radcliff
Raul
Recycle
Resiliant
Rev
Rosheger
Sad4Her
SamwizeGamgee
Sandalwood
SBBayArea
SCM
SerendipityChild
SES
Silverhope
Skip
songbirdtwo
StillStuck
Swimmy55
Teno
townhouse
truthbeknown
turtleengine501
Ventak
vinnie77
Violet00
wavewatcher
wendydarling
WhatJustHappened?
Whichwayisup
whirlpoollife
Wicker Man
WindofChange
worn_out
WTL
zachira
zaqsert

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!