Need help reviewing my flight plan...

[formflier]

So... .we've got a move coming up in the next few months.

We've never had a bad move... .and we've moved a lot.  There is usually a big "white period" before and after the move.

So... while I'm not letting my guard down... I suspect things will run smoothly for a while.

This will be the first move I've made with "BPD training" under my belt.

So... .while I feel confident... .I'm also interested in others asking... .saying... ."hey... .what about this... .?"

Anyway... .wife and kids have made several trips with me there... .and seem genuinely excited.  The area offers more of the things my wife likes to do with kids (parks... beaches... fun outdoorsy kinda things)

We have looked at several houses... .plenty big enough... .with neat character... .I suspect this will be first big issue... where to live. 

I see a good thing being that we will be on "neutral ground"... .not near her folks... or mine.  We'll be about equidistant.

As I look back on our history... .this setup worked better.  Part of her "argument" for why she should "make all the decisions" was that we live "on my turf". 

She seems "engulfed" by that... .it's very different than her FOO... .where she grew up.

Anyway... .no specific questions now... .or issues.  Interested in input.

I'm confident about our future... .the tools work.

For newbies that might come along and say "Hey... .how did this guy get to this point (I was out of home last summer... .pretty down and out... )"... .?

1.  Boundaries  I resisted this at first... .thought I could sweet talk or "BPD whisper" my way out of things... .  I should expand a bit... .Consistent boundaries.  Thanks to the senior guys that keep making that point.

2.  Avoid invalidation... .think about this like Ebola... .or some other deadly disease... .STAY AWAY.

3.  Don't take things personally


I could keep going... .but... .those are my top three.  The rest are important... .but focusing on these sort of helped the rest fall into place.

FF

[shatra]

she should "make all the decisions" was that we live "on my turf". 

She seems "engulfed" by that.

---How is that engulfment? That sounds like it would be more a BPD feeling controlled by that (things are up to you since it's your turf---she wants control so she says she will make all the decisions.

---Any move is stressful for a BPD. It is a "loss" in a way---they respond to loss by either devaluing the lost place/person so it doesn't hurt too much to lose it, or by denying/blocking out the feelings of loss and jumping into a new replacement.

Shatra

[Cole]

Great progress, FF. Count yourself as one of the teachers, as well as one of the learners.

Does this move mean the job hunt has been successful?

White during moves is something I can see from a pwBPD. My W gets excited about anything new and different. 

I get your wife's power issues. We live in a house I built before we met on property that has been in the family since 1896. My grandmother lived on another section until she died last year, my mother on another section, and my aunt and uncle and cousins on another section. At first she loved the big family thing. Then she started feeling like an outsider due to the whole BPD "not good enough" mindset and has insisted on and off over the years that we move. Do you think the move will help your r/s?

You sound upbeat, hope all goes well.     

[formflier]

 

Yes... .new job... .one that I am excited about... .great career move. 

I'm the head guy... .over almost 300 employees... .around $80 million budget.

Several challenges they face that are a great fit for what I bring... .

More later.

FF

[KateCat]

What will the buffer between your wife's PPD and your workplace look like? (Work email protections, etc.)

I know you've had a good long time to think about past experiences and prepare future plans.

[OffRoad]

Have you already addressed whether you W will be a SAHM again or if she will work part or full time? Is your W OK with going back to being a SAHM if that is the better financial reality?

[Cole]

Several challenges they face that are a great fit for what I bring... .

FF

So... .they have 300 employees with BPD that need validated? 

[formflier]

---How is that engulfment? That sounds like it would be more a BPD feeling controlled by that (things are up to you since it's your turf---she wants control so she says she will make all the decisions.

Perhaps I should say she felt lost in all of "my" stuff... .she was know around here as "my" wife... .

Everyone liked her... .but I think she felt it hard to establish her own space... .because she was known as "my wife"... .and I was a public figure. 

I can totally see that... .(BPD or not... I see it)


FF

[formflier]

White during moves is something I can see from a pwBPD. My W gets excited about anything new and different.  

Exactly the dynamic we have had.  We have been very lucky to have had great moves... .we have never been "forced" to go anywhere we didn't want to.  We were blessed in that regard... .

 :)o you think the move will help your r/s?

I do... .I really do.  But it's not just the move.  I get to hit the "reset" button.  But now I know how to play the game (analogy).  I think I play it pretty well.  I thought "our issues" were related to the natural disaster in our previous location... .and that moving to our current location would "reset" that.

It did for a while.  I still remember the walk we took when my wife dysregulated (first time in months... .after we had moved to our current location)   She accused me of various scandalous things with women... .I was heartbroken that "it" had followed us.  I handled it badly.  About 5-6 months later... .we were in MC... .  My wife made some ridiculous claims about some things I said (right in front of MC) and the MC corrected her... gave her talk about "the truth".

Wife jumped up from her seat... .jumped and danced around the room while ranting and raving... .pointed fingers and both of us... .said she was never coming back... .slammed door on way out.  

I stayed... .and asked the T what I was dealing with... .She suggested the Eggshells book... .and mentioned BPD (first I had ever heard of it in my life)  I found this site a week or so later... .while searching for info on BPD.

At some point after we move... .my wife will "blow off steam"... .vent... whatever.

It's not so much that I know exactly what to do... .but I'm positive I know what not to do

From there... I can usually figure out something positive to do... . While at same time monitoring for boundary busting... .and enforcement needed on my side of things.

So... I won't be shocked when it happens... .I'll deal with it... .and the next day will start off fresh... .

FF

[formflier]

What will the buffer between your wife's PPD and your workplace look like? (Work email protections, etc.)

I know you've had a good long time to think about past experiences and prepare future plans.

KateCat,

This will most likely be my highest priority. 

Luckily... .email security and access is solid.   Last incident was forwarding an email... .months ago. 

She has been testing those boundaries less and less... .I was at fault (lax) in the forwarding incident.

I've also verified that I will have employer owned phone, tablets and laptops.  My last job was part empolyer owned... .part me owned but used for work.  Wife tried to claim access to "our" stuff.

Since I can go all to employer owned... .I can have my IT guys set up (customize) stringent protocols for access.

This is good practice anyway... .since lost laptops tend to be exciting events when sensitive information is in there...

FF

[formflier]

Have you already addressed whether you W will be a SAHM again or if she will work part or full time? Is your W OK with going back to being a SAHM if that is the better financial reality?

She will work part time to almost full time before moving to new location.  Needs a few more hours of classroom time here and there to qualify for certain license things... .easier to get that done here... .and get new... .upgraded teaching licenses

Then... do some part time stuff in new location... .see how it goes and go from there.

I'm not "pushing" her out of house... .she wants to go... .the schools there have some exciting programs that are current location doesn't have... .that she is well qualified to teach in.

So... is there a detailed plan... .nope.  But... .broad generalities. 

I focus on laying out facts and options... .and not pushing.  I will not make career choices for her... .

However... she gets it that she needs to qualify for social security... .she is pushing for that... .not me.

FF

[formflier]

So... .they have 300 employees with BPD that need validated? 

And... .lots of public contact... .lots... .

Luckily I have a full time press guy at this location... .and there are other staff there than can handle things that I used to have to handle myself... .

FF

[KateCat]

Sounds like the perfect IT solution.

[waverider]

A move can be perceived as a quick fix pill by pwBPD, with promises of a reset. Then it proves otherwise as the issues can go with you. What was previously blamed on the location is now blamed on you as you are obviously the common denominator.

Dont get swept away by this. You are both the same people with the same issues.

I focus on laying out facts and options... .and not pushing.  I will not make career choices for her... .

Good principle I use, and expand it to cover "Life choices"

[KateCat]

Dont get swept away by this. You are both the same people with the same issues.

I'm glad someone more mature than I am has offered this comment. It's been some time since your wife has had your career to focus her fears and her investigations of "other women" on. And it is likely that a little bit of what you think has been great progress in your wife's behaviors has been more of a lull in the action.

But it's a new day and you have more experience this time around. Best of luck.

[formflier]

Dont get swept away by this. You are both the same people with the same issues.

I'm glad someone more mature than I am has offered this comment. It's been some time since your wife has had your career to focus her fears and her investigations of "other women" on. And it is likely that a little bit of what you think has been great progress in your wife's behaviors has been more of a lull in the action.

But it's a new day and you have more experience this time around. Best of luck.

Very true... .that's the thing about paranoia... .it doesn't make sense.

I'm sure it will show up... .I'm confident I won't feed it.  Hopefully I can use some of my alone time to bone up on active validation... and try to get better at that.

I've tried... .I'm making some progress... but it feels rather "false" for me to be doing it. 

I think it is practice that will make that better...

FF

[KateCat]

I think strong, impenetrable barriers between work life and home life will be your best ally.

The thing you don't want is to have to follow your wife around with a fire extinguisher as she cuts a swath through your functioning as a manager at work.

[formflier]

I think strong, impenetrable barriers between work life and home life will be your best ally.

The thing you don't want is to have to follow your wife around with a fire extinguisher as she cuts a swath through your functioning as a manager at work.

Very true... .

Not sure how much this was written about previously... .but family T came down on her pretty hard  (zero tolerance) for her shenanigans regarding my work.

To her credit... .it stopped.  I also had barriers in place... .no way to  say which was more effective.

Things like showing up and banging on my door to be let in... .being upset when I would go for a meeting or other phone call (during work hours)... .

There were things he was hard on me about as well.  Keep leaning on me to "dial back" my responses... .that I was coming across as "big"... .(I more than double the weight of my wife... she is at risk of blowing away in hard wind... .yep... even after 8 kids... .)... .and that part of her response to me was trying to match my "size"... .by saying ridiculous things... .using her "big" mouth.

Anyway... .I'm not at all saying work is not going to be a problem... .or it's handled... .  The good news is that she had a fairly good spell (relatively)... .before I stopped working. 

But... .yes... .this is a on my radar... .in my scan pattern.

FF

[KateCat]

Good, because my sense is that these aren't "shenanigans" as much as they are manifestations of the driving, primal force of paranoia.

Things have been quiet for a while, and now a change is coming. And this won't be your wife's first rodeo either. She has experience when it comes to impacting your career opportunities.

I hope you can more or less have a personal therapist on-call when you get to the new base. Things are likely to come up, one way or another.

[formflier]

I hope you can more or less have a personal therapist on-call when you get to the new base. Things are likely to come up, one way or another.

Yes... .family T has been available on the phone... even though moved away.  Have used this some.

The rest of it... .I'll have to get all set up once I get there...

FF

[KateCat]

Would it be helpful to ask the family T guy what, if anything, you might want to share with your new colleagues about your wife's mental health condition/behaviors?

I would be loathe to announce this kind of spousal thing to anyone--and I never have in any work situation--but in your case could there be a delicate need to get ahead of any potential narrative that could make people question your ethics/behaviors?