Telling your ex how much she hurt you

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Ok, this is destroying me atm. I will try to explain.

I'm 3 years out of my relationship. I only found out about BPD a couple of months ago, I do believe this has extended my grief (could be wrong but that's how I feel).

My ex cut me off. It was my worst nightmare. I tried, pleaded with her to stop NC, unblock me on facebook... anything! But she'd already been triggered. She was impenetrable and extremely spiteful. "You made this bed, now lie in it".

I was desperate, like an addict, messaging her. She became angry quickly. Ignored me, threatened the police or ripped apart anything I said. I was very loving towards here, believing I could break through. Taking on all the sh*t she was throwing at me. I love you. I'm sorry etc etc.

Eventually she went to the police. I wasn't charged but was fearful enough of getting arrested to back off.

Ever since I have struggled with the idea of never getting back in touch. Like I said, I was very loving during the breakup because I wanted another chance, I was in love. I have never felt like I've been heard. Never been able to express how much my ex hurt me, how much she betrayed me, disappointed me and let me down.

Do I need to let her know how much she hurt me to let the pain out?

Or am I thinking that writing her a letter/email is something it's not.

[soar]

Ok, this is destroying me atm. I will try to explain.

I'm 3 years out of my relationship. I only found out about BPD a couple of months ago, I do believe this has extended my grief (could be wrong but that's how I feel).

My ex cut me off. It was my worst nightmare. I tried, pleaded with her to stop NC, unblock me on facebook... anything! But she'd already been triggered. She was impenetrable and extremely spiteful. "You made this bed, now lie in it".

I was desperate, like an addict, messaging her. She became angry quickly. Ignored me, threatened the police or ripped apart anything I said. I was very loving towards here, believing I could break through. Taking on all the sh*t she was throwing at me. I love you. I'm sorry etc etc.

Eventually she went to the police. I wasn't charged but was fearful enough of getting arrested to back off.

Ever since I have struggled with the idea of never getting back in touch. Like I said, I was very loving during the breakup because I wanted another chance, I was in love. I have never felt like I've been heard. Never been able to express how much my ex hurt me, how much she betrayed me, disappointed me and let me down.

Do I need to let her know how much she hurt me to let the pain out?

Or am I thinking that writing her a letter/email is something it's not.

[Herodias]

I can tell you that I have done it over and over through e-mail and I never know if he reads it or not. He says he does... .It usually makes him mad or says he can't bare to hear it. They know what they have done... .that's why they leave. They cannot bare the shame. If it helps you- go for it, but I believe it won't change a thing and you will not get an apology or if you do it won't be sincere. As long as she won't consider it harassment as well. I have a bit of fear of mine as well... .so I know what you mean. Most of the time they say write these letters and burn them. You decide whats best for you. Just don't expect any kind of "normal" response.

[soar]

I can tell you that I have done it over and over through e-mail and I never know if he reads it or not. He says he does... .It usually makes him mad or says he can't bare to hear it. They know what they have done... .that's why they leave. They cannot bare the shame. If it helps you- go for it, but I believe it won't change a thing and you will not get an apology or if you do it won't be sincere. As long as she won't consider it harassment as well. I have a bit of fear of mine as well... .so I know what you mean. Most of the time they say write these letters and burn them. You decide whats best for you. Just don't expect any kind of "normal" response.

I don't think I'll get an apology. Not for the stuff I would say. I won't be complimentary. I'm not worried about the harassment, that was a long time ago, I don't think the police would be interested in one email.

Response wise, it's so hard to predict. Going off past experience she would absoluately ignore it. I think it's her way of saying "you mean so little, you're not even worth acknowledging". But if I really ripped into her, I guess I might trigger a response. God knows what. I don't see how she can defend herself. She is horrible. TBH I think she would probably start bending reality, making all sorts of sh*t up.

[Herodias]

I ripped into mine with the help of a good friend who had been through a similar situation... .he immediately called me saying "please don't say those things... .I am too emotional"   I am like, what? You do all that crap to me and I am supposed to worry about your emotions? It seems worthless. He thinks I am a heartless b___ now, because I wouldn't loan him money when he asked last week... .again. I told him to get the gf to help- he did-she did... .I guess she is a saint now. Ridiculous.

[sas1729]

Hey,

To be honest I'd be worried about a retaliation if I were in your position. She made it very clear that she didn't want to communicate with you, even going to the police. After three years I wouldn't know how she would take a renewed attempt at communication.

I think also based on the experience of many people on this forum, seeking some kind of closure through a BPDex is nearly impossible. That's one of the things that many people struggle with. But I also believe that having gone through this painful experience that we all are stronger. We can seek closure from the knowledge of BPD and also by recognizing just how strong we are for having gone through this.

[gameover]

Don't bother.  You're still seeking a sort of validation from another person.  You're doing something you think will make you feel better (it won't). 

Is an apology even worth it (assuming you'd get one--unlikely) if you have to try to guilt someone into it?

Only being happy with the person you are without your ex can give you any sort of closure.  If you achieve this, you really won't be worried about what she thinks about how she treated you.

Peace.

[soar]

Don't bother.  You're still seeking a sort of validation from another person.  You're doing something you think will make you feel better (it won't). 

Is an apology even worth it (assuming you'd get one--unlikely) if you have to try to guilt someone into it?

Only being happy with the person you are without your ex can give you any sort of closure.  If you achieve this, you really won't be worried about what she thinks about how she treated you.

Peace.

I'm really not seeking an apology. I just want to express my pain to the person that caused it.

[Remiman]

Don't bother.  You're still seeking a sort of validation from another person.  You're doing something you think will make you feel better (it won't). 

Is an apology even worth it (assuming you'd get one--unlikely) if you have to try to guilt someone into it?

Only being happy with the person you are without your ex can give you any sort of closure.  If you achieve this, you really won't be worried about what she thinks about how she treated you.

Peace.

I agree. Everyone keeps telling me the same. I need some time alone. Learn to love myself. I'm a catch for the right person etc etc. thing is - at times like this its hard to believe. I guess I'll repeat it to you.

[SGraham]

Soar, i totally feel you and im sorry you are going through this. My ex not only wont talk to me but i also feel fairly certain she has told everyone in her life not to talk to me. I get how it hurts to have others think you are the crazy one dispote the fact that you treated her with nothing but love. Like the others i would probably advise against it on grounds of what she might do. I mean if you are like me a no response would kill me.

[gameover]

I'm really not seeking an apology. I just want to express my pain to the person that caused it.

I agree. Everyone keeps telling me the same. I need some time alone. Learn to love myself. I'm a catch for the right person etc etc. thing is - at times like this its hard to believe. I guess I'll repeat it to you.

I've started looking from things at things from a more holistic perspective.

You don't get mad at the sky when it rains.  You don't get mad at the tree when it falls on your house.  Human nature--disordered or not--is still nature.  Some people will share similar values to you, others won't.  You might as well lecture a snake on how much it hurt that the snake bit you.    

And really, the pwBPD didn't hurt you.  You were already hurt.  The pwBPD just pointed out wounds that you've been pretending weren't there.  I'd argue that you're more angry at yourself for getting hurt.  No point in trying to project your feelings back onto the pwBPD--they're already so hurt already that they can't even acknowledge your pain.  

If anything, be grateful for the experience.  Be grateful that you survived and that you have the opportunity to be a stronger person in the future.  All those dreams you shared with your pwBPD, the future that will never happen, be grateful you found someone to dream with you, for a while.  You got to live the fairy tale for a while, but now it's time to face reality.  I'll be the first to say, I'm incredibly grateful to my BPDexgf.  Yeah, I've hurt more these past 8 weeks than I ever have in my entire life, but we shared something beautiful and broken, and now I have the chance to grow in ways I never knew I existed.  

[Mutt]

Someone said we can seek closure soar, we can give closure to ourselves. It helps us to learn about the disorder to depersonalize the behaviors. Her actions are driven by the disorder.

She was impenetrable and extremely spiteful. "You made this bed, now lie in it".

You say she's impenetrable, a pwBPD have social impairments, rigid and inflexible thought patterns that impair social function.

I can see how this would destroy us, you've just found out about BPD and you experienced a traumatic event 3 years ago.  

How about sharing your frustration, anger, and pain with us? Write your /email or letter and start a new thread or share it here? It helps to talk.

[disorderedsociety]

I would say honestly take some time... .A long time to process and deal with the dense emotions and fog. When you're ready you'll know and you may not even decide to tell her

Maybe you will, its entirely your choice. Just know that the more you show her love the less she will listen because typically they will see that as foolishness or weakness

Just my two cents.

[Mr Hollande]

Revealing how much she hurt you sounds like handing her an awful lot of power to me. One that is likely to be abused. Like handing a stick to someone who just hit you.

[Herodias]

Revealing how much she hurt you sounds like handing her an awful lot of power to me. One that is likely to be abused. Like handing a stick to someone who just hit you.

Very Good one Mr Hollande... .I need to remember that myself!

[rotiroti]

Don't bother.  You're still seeking a sort of validation from another person.  You're doing something you think will make you feel better (it won't). 

Is an apology even worth it (assuming you'd get one--unlikely) if you have to try to guilt someone into it?

Only being happy with the person you are without your ex can give you any sort of closure.  If you achieve this, you really won't be worried about what she thinks about how she treated you.

Peace.

I agree - I really do not see anything positive from sending the letter. Soar have you ever been pushed into an apology? Did you feel sincerely saying the words?

Perhaps you can share the letter on here. It's anonymous and everyone has been through the BPDstorm

[soar]

I agree - I really do not see anything positive from sending the letter. Soar have you ever been pushed into an apology? Did you feel sincerely saying the words?

Perhaps you can share the letter on here. It's anonymous and everyone has been through the BPDstorm

Yeah I apologised a lot during the break up because obviously I was blamed for everything and wanted another chance. I would say the apologies were sincere at the time but I wasn't in a good place. In reality I was apologising for being upset which was perfectly understandable considering the circumstances.

[rotiroti]

I agree - I really do not see anything positive from sending the letter. Soar have you ever been pushed into an apology? Did you feel sincerely saying the words?

Perhaps you can share the letter on here. It's anonymous and everyone has been through the BPDstorm

Yeah I apologised a lot during the break up because obviously I was blamed for everything and wanted another chance. I would say the apologies were sincere at the time but I wasn't in a good place. In reality I was apologising for being upset which was perfectly understandable considering the circumstances.

I should have specified - I meant have there ever been a time in your life you were forced to apologize for something you didn't want to apologize for. Did those ever feel genuine?

As for your answer that's very interesting. It sounds like the two of you have very different perceptions of what had happened. This is what I am gathering what her reality might look like from your posts:

1. She was triggered and things went bad, you apologized which to her sounds like you were taking responsibility. This confirms her perception of you as painted black

2. She initiates n/c as #1 seems like the end of things

3. you plead/request to end nc but to her this could seem like breaking boundaries -- I know you had love in your heart and best intentions but this violation of nc could seems as anything but loving from her perspective

[soar]

I agree - I really do not see anything positive from sending the letter. Soar have you ever been pushed into an apology? Did you feel sincerely saying the words?

Perhaps you can share the letter on here. It's anonymous and everyone has been through the BPDstorm

Yeah I apologised a lot during the break up because obviously I was blamed for everything and wanted another chance. I would say the apologies were sincere at the time but I wasn't in a good place. In reality I was apologising for being upset which was perfectly understandable considering the circumstances.

I should have specified - I meant have there ever been a time in your life you were forced to apologize for something you didn't want to apologize for. Did those ever feel genuine?

As for your answer that's very interesting. It sounds like the two of you have very different perceptions of what had happened. This is what I am gathering what her reality might look like from your posts:

1. She was triggered and things went bad, you apologized which to her sounds like you were taking responsibility. This confirms her perception of you as painted black

2. She initiates n/c as #1 seems like the end of things

3. you plead/request to end nc but to her this could seem like breaking boundaries -- I know you had love in your heart and best intentions but this violation of nc could seems as anything but loving from her perspective

It's possible that it's happened yeah but it's very difficult to remember specific times. As to whether it felt genuine, i highly doubt it because it was forced.

I would of thought it was obvious that we had different perceptions as she is crazy and i'm not (as far as I'm aware).

[Mutt]

Hi soar,

You got good advice. I apologized in my relationship too for things that I was getting blamed for. I say this from my own experience and it's different for everyone, I was trying to make the peace.

I'm not sure if you've had the chance to read our 10 myths articles

2) Belief that your BPD partner feels the same way that you feel

I hope that helps.

[JohnnyShoes]

*You cannot Reason with BPD.

*You cannot Talk to BPD

*A person with BPD feels emotions from the past intensely, and those emotions to a BP = Facts.

Looking to tell them how YOU feel will be futile.

You have experienced this mess BECAUSE they cannot respect or have Empathy for Your feelings... .how do you think your letter will work? (It most likely won't)

Sorry to say this but a person with BPD can only care about themselves... .They mustn't let ANYTHING tarnish the false self they portray (hense, they take no responsibility for their wrongs... .unless, it makes them appear better... .or gets them what they want)

Just my .02