How common is infidelity among pwBPD?

[Darsha500]

Hi,

This is a question I have been pondering, so I thought I'd put it out there.

I was cheated on, and it's been quite devastating. From what I've read, it seems infidelity is common among pwBPD. This stands to reason considering their symptomology.

I suppose that I'm thinking that knowing others have experienced the same sort of thing might give me some relief.

Thanks.

[Learning_curve74]

Not all borderlines cheat, but it is fairly common. Poor impulse control and promiscuity are some of the possible symptoms of BPD.

Are you trying to let go of your ex or let go of the hurt or both? Does being cheated on make you feel stuck on her?

[BorisAcusio]

Hi Darsha,

There was a recent poll on this question:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=239774.0

            What was the final straw that ended the relationship?



What was the final straw that ended the relationship?

~Cheating/flirting

~Life change (e.g., job, family death, health issue)

~Significant event (e.g. holiday, birthday, wedding)

~Fight

~"We're not right for each other" conversation

~I don't know

~It just ended

~Other (explain in post)

[ShadowIntheNight]

I can't say about other people's pwBPD, but mine cheated 100%.  And she is a chronic liar, which I know continues to do this day. In her mind it isn't cheating because she doesn't have physical sex until after she has discarded the ex, and I mean intercourse. She'll crawl all over the other person even tho that's not cheating to her. In the meantime, she is going out on dates and finding new people to fall into while she is still in her old relationship. Nice little game she's got going in in her mind, right? And she sits in Catholic Church most every Sunday... .No offense to Catholics.

[Darsha500]

Not all borderlines cheat, but it is fairly common. Poor impulse control and promiscuity are some of the possible symptoms of BPD.

Are you trying to let go of your ex or let go of the hurt or both? Does being cheated on make you feel stuck on her?

I'm trying to let go of both.

The cheating does make me feel stuck, because its a common theme upon which i ruminate. Her ex was a sadist, and her, unwilling to induce self-harm, likely let him do it for her. It was him who she cheated on me with, and she let him do some gnarly sadistic stuff to her - piercings and handcuffing.

The thing is, She broke up with me without telling me she had cheated on me. But then she reached out to me again. I, despite an inner voice telling me to not break NC, went back to her. Then she revealed to me why she had really broken up with me - the cheating. Insanely, I took her back after that.

But then about a week later, when we got into a fight, she referred to her ex again and his plan to pierce her in a really grotesque way, and she presented his plan as if it were destined to happen. That was the last straw for me.

Now, I cant help but replay these scenarios. It makes my heart ache, and it makes me sick. It doesn't help that I feel as if I could have avoided the knowledge that she cheated on me had I only listened to my intuition and not broken NC. Now I'm plagued by the thoughts of, "why did you go back to her?" But whats done is done, there is no changing the past. I suppose I just have to walk through this pain, until it subsides.

I really wanna get over it. Im trying to keep myself from ruminating about her, but its really difficult.  

[Michelle27]

Mine cheated.  Admitted to twice but I suspect many more times.

[klacey3]

Not all borderlines cheat, but it is fairly common. Poor impulse control and promiscuity are some of the possible symptoms of BPD.

Are you trying to let go of your ex or let go of the hurt or both? Does being cheated on make you feel stuck on her?

I'm trying to let go of both.

The cheating does make me feel stuck, because its a common theme upon which i ruminate. Her ex was a sadist, and her, unwilling to induce self-harm, likely let him do it for her. It was him who she cheated on me with, and she let him do some gnarly sadistic stuff to her - piercings and handcuffing.

The thing is, She broke up with me without telling me she had cheated on me. But then she reached out to me again. I, despite an inner voice telling me to not break NC, went back to her. Then she revealed to me why she had really broken up with me - the cheating. Insanely, I took her back after that.

But then about a week later, when we got into a fight, she referred to her ex again and his plan to pierce her in a really grotesque way, and she presented his plan as if it were destined to happen. That was the last straw for me.

Now, I cant help but replay these scenarios. It makes my heart ache, and it makes me sick. It doesn't help that I feel as if I could have avoided the knowledge that she cheated on me had I only listened to my intuition and not broken NC. Now I'm plagued by the thoughts of, "why did you go back to her?" But whats done is done, there is no changing the past. I suppose I just have to walk through this pain, until it subsides.

I really wanna get over it. Im trying to keep myself from ruminating about her, but its really difficult.  

Sorry to hear you are suffering so much at the moment  

I know it can be difficult not to let it bother you and not to ruminate.

To answer your question I think it is very common for borderlines to cheat. Mine used to constantly accuse me of cheating. I caught him having an attention seeking/emotional conversation with a girl he knew, pictures of another girl on his phone, found internet history of a dating site when I came back from a holiday. He has excused for all of them swearing on peoples lives it was all innocent and he hadn't cheated in any way. During a recent rage he told me he slept with another girl while I was on a holiday for 10 days, he kissed someone before he met me on his birthday and even took another girl to a family wedding he told me he didnt go to.

Like you I torment myself with questions like why did I stay/go back?

Did your ex show remorse for cheating? As above, mine would act like what he did wasnt bad at all and hadnt cheated, but when confessing all he had done he was telling me how funny he thought it was that I didnt know about it and that I was gullible.

[Herodias]

Mine cheated that I know of 6 times... .not all complete intercourse, sometimes oral. I am sure there were more. That final straw was to find one in my bed on XMAS of all days! I have since learned of allot more womanizing and chasing he was doing at work since. Mine was a pathological liar as well. It's heartbreaking... .He is now with someone he cheated on me with in the past. She left her husband for him I believe. Her husband knew of the affair before and tried to split them up. They started up again after I caught him in bed with the other one. I am not sure she knows of any of this but considering they work for the same company and he is known to be a womanizer, I guess she just thinks she is the special one he will stay with... .How can they even trust each other? He will cheat on her I am sure of... .who knows, she may do it to him. They deserve each other.

[Darsha500]

She did show remorse. I don't recall her uttering the words "I'm sorry." But I do remember the look on her face. She looked incredibly ashamed, and remorseful. She spoke of how she regretted it, and how she realized why she had left him in the first place, how it was a horrific experience. Yet she continued to have contact with him after that so... .

I forgave her. I remembered something that I had read in a book. It said to imagine the word pain written on the BPD's forehead. It said they are in constant intense physic pain. That they are doing the best they can, while in a state of constant dysregulatiom. Taking into account her extreme impulsivity, and my lack of reassurance to her after the fight that likely precipitated the incident - I was at my wits end with her - I found some compassion for her.

So I shift through different emotions sorrounding the issue. I'll go from intense resentment, to forgiveness, to "that's a bummer" - sort of indifference.

Riding out this storm.

[rotiroti]

Right on Darsh! To understand and letting go with compassion is incredibly difficult, especially what you have been through... .Hang in there man!   

[SGraham]

Hi Darsha,

There was a recent poll on this question:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=239774.0

            What was the final straw that ended the relationship?



What was the final straw that ended the relationship?

~Cheating/flirting

~Life change (e.g., job, family death, health issue)

~Significant event (e.g. holiday, birthday, wedding)

~Fight

~"We're not right for each other" conversation

~I don't know

~It just ended

~Other (explain in post)

My ex droped me around my b day so i guess the significant event category makes sense.

[Learning_curve74]

I think when you've been cheated on, it's totally natural and understandable to feel angry, sad, disappointed, and a whole bunch of other turbulent emotions. It's even okay in hindsight to be disappointed in yourself for taking the cheater back if that's what happened.

"Riding out the storm" as Darsha put it is a good strategy. You can let the feelings pass when you develop acceptance and detachment. You accept the past is set and done, and you can move on because the cheater's actions are separate and not a reflection on you.

Hang in there.