I unblocked him on facebook

[stacma04]

My Ex BPDBF is engaged, and I am now in a healthy relationship. I have unblocked him from my Facebook after going NC. I think that now that he's engaged and I'm in a relationship he will leave me alone. I think I deep down, I want him to see that I've moved on and I'm not waiting for him to come back.

Does anyone have Any thoughts on this ? Is this a bad idea to unblock him?

[Remiman]

My Ex BPDBF is engaged, and I am now in a healthy relationship. I have unblocked him from my Facebook after going NC. I think that now that he's engaged and I'm in a relationship he will leave me alone. I think I deep down, I want him to see that I've moved on and I'm not waiting for him to come back.

Does anyone have Any thoughts on this ? Is this a bad idea to unblock him?

My rekationship is still quite raw but every time I unblock it lasts two days max then need to block again. She's a nightmare

[Pretty Woman]

I replied to your other post. Why would you want to do that? Do you want contact? It's still contact if they are looking at your profile.

[sas1729]

Hey,

I venture to suggest that if you are thinking about this to the level that you are, which is not a judgement, then perhaps you are not as over him as you may want to be.

I stayed fb friends with my BPDex. I'm in a new relationship and I am very happy. I really don't care anymore if I am fb friends with my BPDex or not. So my point is that if you've moved on then why even bother going through the mouse clicks it takes to unblock him? Clearly this is someone that you have no desire to be with again, or even to communicate with (NC), so why would it matter? But yes  you are right that if you're wondering if you've moved on, then maybe you have not?

I'm asking these tough questions because on some level I wonder what your current partner would feel if they knew you are thinking these things. Again it's not a judgement; just a thought.

[stacma04]

Hi sas1729

Yes those ar all legitimate questions, but I am over him and just don't see why I would need to have the block on there anymore. He's not bothering me and I'm not looking on his Facebook. I just didn't think it would be necessary to continue having the block on there because we've both moved on.

[hopealways]

I always recommend to just BLOCK BLOCK BLOCK forever

[Mutt]

Hi stacma04,

I don't think that there's a right or wrong. Do what feels right for you. He's getting married and you're in a r/s. I'm not coming from a place of judgement when I say this, are you opening up your social media to get him to feel a little jealousy?

[apollotech]

Hi sas1729

Yes those ar all legitimate questions, but I am over him and just don't see why I would need to have the block on there anymore. He's not bothering me and I'm not looking on his Facebook. I just didn't think it would be necessary to continue having the block on there because we've both moved on.

Good answer stacma04, NC isn't the solution, you changing yourself is the solution. You seem to be there. You know what you will and will not tolerate and will act accordingly. Kudos to you for growing and owning your power!

[Mutt]

He's not bothering me and I'm not looking on his Facebook. I just didn't think it would be necessary to continue having the block on there because we've both moved on.

Do you know what inhibited grieving is with a person that suffers from BPD?

What if he got angry and lashed out on social media when he's engaged to get married or he's married? Are you strong enough for that behavior directed at you with your place in healing?

[Michelle27]

I wrestled with this.  I was married to my pwBPD and we have a child together.  For the first few weeks after telling him we were over (after 3 months of a "therapeutic separation" during which I finally determined that I couldn't do this anymore) I blocked him from seeing my FB posts.  Then I thought, screw it, why do I care if he sees me happy and moving forward with my life happy to be free of the anxiety I lived with on a daily basis.  Last week though (almost 2 months after saying I was done) I realized nothing good could come from having him spy on my FB after all the other stalking behaviors I dealt with, so I blocked and unfriended him. That felt good.

[shatra]

Mutt wrote

Do you know what inhibited grieving is with a person that suffers from BPD?

----Can you describe this or provide a link? Do u mean that her ex may start grieving for her now, though he is going to get married?  It was too painful for him to fully grieve in the past, so it's delayed?

[Mutt]

Mutt wrote

Do you know what inhibited grieving is with a person that suffers from BPD?

----Can you describe this or provide a link? Do u mean that her ex may start grieving for her now, though he is going to get married?  It was too painful for him to fully grieve in the past, so it's delayed?

A sufferer of BPD doesn't grieve what their defense mechanisms doesn't allow them to feel and inhibited grieving can be unhealthily channeled with self sabotage, anger and acting out.

Inhibited grieving: Tendency to inhibit and overcontrol negative emotional responses, especially those associated with grief and loss, including sadness, anger, guilt, shame, anxiety, and panic. page 10 Cognitive Behavioral Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder Marsha M Linehan

A few months ago I took my kids swimming with a woman friend and her daughter and went back to my friends house and the kids played. I knew that it would get back to my ex partner, she left me and was in a committed relationship and was acting out with jealousy and anger because I had made a new female friend.

Even though our ex partners are in new relationships they don't process sadness and loss if they haven't been in intensive therapy.

[shatra]

Mutt wrote--

Inhibited grieving: Tendency to inhibit and overcontrol negative emotional responses, especially those associated with grief and loss, including sadness, anger, guilt, shame, anxiety, and panic. page 10 Cognitive Behavioral Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder Marsha M Linehan

---Yes I've seen mine repress or deny any painful feelings after losses

A few months ago I took my kids swimming with a woman friend and her daughter I knew that it would get back to my ex partner, she left me and was in a committed relationship and was acting out with jealousy and anger because I had made a new female friend.  Even though our ex partners are in new relationships they don't process sadness and loss if they haven't been in intensive therapy.

----Yes I have seen pwBPD do this as well... .I've also seen them encourage the ex to "go out with other people" and then when the ex does so, the BPD later acts out with jealousy.

Shatra

[rickdeckard]

Wow, thanks for that Mutt! My ex stated many times that she suppressed emotions, that sometimes they resurface 

I did completely unblock my ex two months ago. I did it for me, I felt leaving the blocks up was still a tiny way of having her in my life, a bit of control she still held. I felt so much better afterward... .another tie cut. I don't care if she lurks around anymore. I have my life, have moved on. If she cannot, that is for her and replacement to deal with. I'm gone.

And, I know the names of two fake FB profiles she was using to "peek" anyway. There are probably others on other websites. So 'Twas kinda pointless anyway... .except for making it a tad more difficult for me to be stalk-y. That part worked  .

Time to stop worrying about whatever-the-heck she is doing. I have almost completely convinced myself of this... ..

[.cup.car]

I unblocked a few weeks ago as well.

I have a couple pictures of me that I'm really happy with, and a full gallery of pictures from when I recently got my NASCAR license. She wants to creep? Those'll be a nice metaphorical slap to see a guy she called "pathetic" is now a licensed race car driver.

[klacey3]

Hi sas1729

Yes those ar all legitimate questions, but I am over him and just don't see why I would need to have the block on there anymore. He's not bothering me and I'm not looking on his Facebook. I just didn't think it would be necessary to continue having the block on there because we've both moved on.

The point of the blocking button being there is so that he cannot contact you. For you to want to change that and allow him to either contact you or see your profile would mean that you are open to this. People with BPD commonly recycle as we know. Is any of this what you want? I am not judging you, but perhaps really think about this before unblocking and be aware of the possibilities if it happens.

[shatra]

Rickdeckard wrote---

And, I know the names of two fake FB profiles she was using to "peek" anyway. There are probably others on other websites.

-----Do you know the fake FB profiles because they are showing up in your Suggested Friends you may know list, and you don't recognize them? Otherwise, how do you know she is the one with the fake profiles to peek (not dounting you, just curious)?

---Has she contacted you via phone or text directly? Sometimes they lurk and stalk, wanting contact but too afraid to contact you directly.

[JQ]

Stacma,

One of the reasons I like this site is that there is no judgement in here ... .we find people that have been or are in similar situations that we are that truly understand what were' feeling. We can vent, run idea's past each other (which is what your doing here) and asking for some feedback which you are getting. Soo ... .with that ... .

My personal opinion, keep the block on FB!  You might be over him, & you might want to show him that you have moved on. He might APPEARED to move on as well ... .but.  I had my first exBPDgf nearly 20 years ago ... .before FB, social media, smart phones, etc.  I moved out of state, privatized my phone number (land line)  & had to change it 4 times because she would find it somehow & in case it cost me $50 to do it. I finally had to threaten her with calling the FBI since she was stalking a military employee. Only then did the calls stop ... .UNTIL!  two years ago after my divorce when my BPD mother gave her my number.  For professional reasons I can't change my number, BUUUT ... .thank god for new technology I can block text & phone numbers with a simple push of a couple of apps. I SUGGEST YOU DO THE SAME.

She started to stalk me again ... .not after a couple of weeks ... .or six months ... .but nearly 20 years!  It's like they (BPDs) don't recognize time ... .they (BPDs) have no since of time, it's as if we were dating last week. I have a concealed carry permit & personal weapon because at one point she threaten my life.  They are COMPLETELY unpredictable !  If you don't go completely back to NC ... .they will reach out again ... .it's like you're making it to easy for them to do it ... .it's like you're inviting them back into your life by lifting the NC rule, unblocking them, etc. IMHO you're inviting chaos back into you life ... .but more importantly you're inviting chaos back into your s/o life and that's not fair to them.

just my two cents ... .

JQ

[.cup.car]

The point of the blocking button being there is so that he cannot contact you. For you to want to change that and allow him to either contact you or see your profile would mean that you are open to this. People with BPD commonly recycle as we know. Is any of this what you want?

Not her but I'll answer why I chose to unblock.

It's not to be open to recycling, but to allow them to touch the hot stove themselves - which they frequently do. You're essentially using their own obsessive compulsive behaviors against them. Mine habitually creeps on me, from multiple facebook accounts of her own, to logging in as her younger sister and unblocking me (thinking I wouldn't notice), to alternate twitter accounts, to fake account friend requests on Facebook... .The ride never ends.

So if they want to spend countless nights looking through all my pictures and crying their eyes out seeing how great of a year I'm having without them, well alright then, knock yourself out. Probably not a good way for a rational human being to spend their time.

Could she use this to find out a bunch of info about me and show up at my workplace or home? Well, yeah, but in my situation there's already a court order in effect, so any attempt at contact will result in Law Enforcement getting involved. If that happens (again), the police won't ask me "why didn't you block her", they'll ask her "why did you contact him when you agreed not to?" If she wants to be that dumb (which she's done once already this year), it's all on her, and blows the narrative she's tried (and failed) to spin right apart.

[rickdeckard]

Rickdeckard wrote---

And, I know the names of two fake FB profiles she was using to "peek" anyway. There are probably others on other websites.

-----Do you know the fake FB profiles because they are showing up in your Suggested Friends you may know list, and you don't recognize them? Otherwise, how do you know she is the one with the fake profiles to peek (not dounting you, just curious)?

---Has she contacted you via phone or text directly? Sometimes they lurk and stalk, wanting contact but too afraid to contact you directly.

She had hinted she had other profiles while we were together, I know the names because one of them liked a pic I put up a long time ago, the like was removed immediately - I only know it happened because I got an email notification. A few months later, I got a PM from the same profile, saying they had "talked to EX", the PM was full of "lost the greatest person", "turned away from the only man that loved her", etc. the sentence structures and word choices were obviously her. This profile is still active but has no friends, no pictures, no posts.  

The other profile did the same "like and hide" (I only know because of email notice) but no PM. I'm sure it's her, the pic liked was one of a very specific place we were at together. The name is a combination of one of her aunts and one of her cousins. That single pic is not interesting enough for a random stranger, that I can no longer find, whose name fits those parameters, to "like".

None of those profiless show up on people I may know or suggested friends - but neither do any others, including hers (post block) that I have unfriended. I guess one of the FB algorithms take this into account now. Unfriended means unfriended!

I did send her an email about two months ago (right before I unblocked her) asking if she is responsible, and that it made me uncomfortable. She denied it  . That was the point I realized I was being somewhat hyper vigilant. Still somewhat under control. So I removed the block. And replied to the PM from the fake account that I would no longer seek to press stalking charges if she contacted me (a threat I used earlier to get her to leave me alone).

I really don't care if she contacts me now. If she doesn't, good. If she does, and keeps it short and nice, okay. I will reply short and nice. If she tries to suck me back into the BS in any way shape or form, I will forward it to her hubby/my replacement and let them deal with it - she made a choice. I don't hate her, and I don't mind being an acquaintance. But I cannot be an real friend to someone I do not trust. And I do not trust her.

Lurking around afraid to contact... .yeah, most likely. But she has been after me, on and off, since 1989. I seriously doubt I have been forgotten. I'm okay with that. I never really fell out of love with her either... .but we cannot ever be an "us" again.

Now we move forward... .

[rickdeckard]

Rickdeckard wrote---

And, I know the names of two fake FB profiles she was using to "peek" anyway. There are probably others on other websites.

-----Do you know the fake FB profiles because they are showing up in your Suggested Friends you may know list, and you don't recognize them? Otherwise, how do you know she is the one with the fake profiles to peek (not dounting you, just curious)?

---Has she contacted you via phone or text directly? Sometimes they lurk and stalk, wanting contact but too afraid to contact you directly.

She had hinted she had other profiles while we were together, I know the names because one of them liked a pic I put up a long time ago, the like was removed immediately - I only know it happened because I got an email notification. A few months later, I got a PM from the same profile, saying they had "talked to EX", the PM was full of "lost the greatest person", "turned away from the only man that loved her", etc. the sentence structures and word choices were obviously her. This profile is still active but has no friends, no pictures, no posts.  

The other profile did the same "like and hide" (I only know because of email notice) but no PM. I'm sure it's her, the pic liked was one of a very specific place we were at together. The name is a combination of one of her aunts and one of her cousins. That single pic is not interesting enough for a random stranger, that I can no longer find, whose name fits those parameters, to "like".

None of those profiless show up on people I may know or suggested friends - but neither do any others, including hers (post block) that I have unfriended. I guess one of the FB algorithms take this into account now. Unfriended means unfriended!

I did send her an email about two months ago (right before I unblocked her) asking if she is responsible, and that it made me uncomfortable. She denied it  . That was the point I realized I was being somewhat hyper vigilant. Still somewhat under control. So I removed the block. And replied to the PM from the fake account that I would no longer seek to press stalking charges if she contacted me (a threat I used earlier to get her to leave me alone).

I really don't care if she contacts me now. If she doesn't, good. If she does, and keeps it short and nice, okay. I will reply short and nice. If she tries to suck me back into the BS in any way shape or form, I will forward it to her hubby/my replacement and let them deal with it - she made a choice. I don't hate her, and I don't mind being an acquaintance. But I cannot be an real friend to someone I do not trust. And I do not trust her.

Lurking around afraid to contact... .yeah, most likely. But she has been after me, on and off, since 1989. I seriously doubt I have been forgotten. I'm okay with that. I never really fell out of love with her either... .but we cannot ever be an "us" again.

Now we move forward... .

Oh, I neglected to mention that I messaged the "fake" profile, saying I would no longer press charges if I heard from her. Just got a response... .didn't even bother using third person, it's her. Various things, how much better she is doing now, can't believe everything she put people through, brother is sick, etc.

From a fake account... .that is obviously still being used.

For y'all wondering "does the ex keep tabs/think about me. I dunno about yours, but mine does. That doesn't really benefit me in any way, but what does benefit me is knowing that we have made peace. With each other and ourselves.

I guess I am one of the lucky that got closure. 

[GreenEyedMonster]

I just unblocked mine too.  It wasn't necessarily because I want a recycle.  It was more because I don't roll that way, processing things with anger.  If he wants to look, he will find a way to look.  He checks up on me on other social media every few days.  I want him to know nothing of how I feel about him, even anger.  I want him to just be totally clueless.  I feel like leaving him blocked on Facebook feeds into his paranoid mind games and gives him a reason to hate me.  Let him fall on his own knife, I say.

[rickdeckard]

I just unblocked mine too.  It wasn't necessarily because I want a recycle.  It was more because I don't roll that way, processing things with anger.  If he wants to look, he will find a way to look.  He checks up on me on other social media every few days.  I want him to know nothing of how I feel about him, even anger.  I want him to just be totally clueless.  I feel like leaving him blocked on Facebook feeds into his paranoid mind games and gives him a reason to hate me.  Let him fall on his own knife, I say.

With ya, GEM... I did it for me, not her. The blocking was for me. I unblocked her (and her fake FB accounts). Annnnnd... .just cussed her out on one of those fake profiles that PM'd me. I wanted her to leave me alone. WHY CANT YOU JUST LEAVE ME ALONE... .

[JohnnyShoes]

My Ex BPDBF is engaged, and I am now in a healthy relationship. I have unblocked him from my Facebook after going NC. I think that now that he's engaged and I'm in a relationship he will leave me alone. I think I deep down, I want him to see that I've moved on and I'm not waiting for him to come back.

Does anyone have Any thoughts on this ? Is this a bad idea to unblock him?

Question : Why Bother To Un-Block him? Just move on.

My answer? You're STILL playing with it.

Leave him block as long as Facebook exist... why should it bother you?

You gotta ask yourself Deep deep down... .why you Really unblocked him.

My .02

[hibye]

I still have her blocked for around 5 months. I will always love her even though she didn't believe it but i'm not going to unblock her. It is like inviting her to do her stuff again, as if nothing happened... as if she wasn't so bad in our relationship. Respecting myself is my priority now and even though it kills her having her blocked it is the only way reminding her the awful things she did to me.

I installed viber in my phone and she immediately called through it. She may did it by mistake but she definitely checked my contact. Then she changed her picture to a new sexy one to provoke me. I feel sorry for her and my replacement.