How is your pwBPDex or pwBPDstbx doing after the break up?

[Wall bike]

Really would like to hear how they fared/are faring emotionally, financially, handling parenting alone.  For the lwPBD, did they get jobs, find someone else quickly, manage bills etc?  Positive - negative or any stories would be greatly appreciated.  

[Conundrum]

My xSO lost her job, credit, car and me. Became a meth induced slut (sorry for that term sisters). Is 6 months preggo from a destitute tweaker and has spent the last 30 days in the county detention facility. Besides that she's rockn in the USA.

[FannyB]

Mine's not doing well. I braced myself for her finding a new 'soulmate' quickly, but unfortunately her anxiety levels have gone into overdrive and she's been off work for several months.

[Tangy]

As far as I know my former fiancé is fine. He ended it to go be with someone else, and they are still in the honeymoon period, so I'm sure he's more than fine. He had moved across the country to better himself early in the summer, but is now back as far as I know at his old job... .he says to get me some money he owes me back faster than what he was doing out there... .but really I'm quite sure he's back here to see what's up with the girl. But I've been strict NC (outside of our money matters) and I don't check his SN because I don't want to hurt. He as usual is pretty good to me financially after the breakup. He paid for my plane ticket I had bought to go out and see him. But mine has a good guy complex... .like he doesn't swear in front of women, opens doors, would never leave you without money... strict diet... .and I'm quite sure the only reason he didn't keep both me and the girl was because of his good guy complex. I think it's part of his emotional suppression... .refusal to admit something is wrong inside... .because outside looks so kind and moralistic. So I'll never visibly or publicly be aware he's upset... .hell I rarely saw him upset when we were together... .other than at me and wanting to randomly get out of the relationship... .one day totally in love... .the next day angry at me acting as if I had been holding him hostage in the relationship... .

[Wall bike]

Anymore?  I would also like to hear how they managing with children?

[balletomane]

I have no contact with mine so I don't really know. He went straight from me into a relationship with someone else, his flatmate, and if precedent is anything to go by they will just be coming out of the honeymoon stage now (or exploding out of it, to be more accurate). I think my refusal to stay friends with him on the painful and unequal terms he was proposing will make him more careful around her, as he knows he has no back-up options, but I'll be surprised if they last longer than nine months. A year at most.

[HappyNihilist]

Mine got engaged to my replacement a couple of months after we broke up (they were together before the breakup). He quit his very good job and moved to another country to be with her.

The last I heard of him (from a reputable source, not his own mouth, heh) was about 6 months ago. He and his fiancée were still doing well, but he hadn't been able to find a new job yet.

My thoughts are that, if he can keep his drinking under control, he'll be in pretty good shape. His relationships usually last about 5-6 years, but who knows - this may be the one that lasts forever. 

He's a professional survivor. pwBPD usually are. He'll do what he feels he needs to do, regardless. He's not open to therapy anymore, so I highly doubt he will "change," but I'm sure he'll get by as he's done so for 45 years.

The important thing is that I'm doing great now - in therapy, discovering myself, enjoying life. This relationship helped me find myself in ways that I might never had done without it.

How are you doing after the breakup?

[Michelle27]

When I called it quits with my stbxh after 9 years of FOG and rages he actually had the nerve to tell me that I "didn't give him enough of a chance to change".  I had stayed the last couple years with promises of changes that never materialized and while doing a lot of work on myself including therapy so when I finally made the decision I couldn't wait any longer for magical changes, I knew I was done and there wouldn't be any recycle attempts.  I think he could see it.  So for the last 2 months, we've had almost no contact whatsoever beyond one email from him, my reply and then a letter from a lawyer he hired and my reply to that.  He has had very limited contact with our 11 year old daughter in that 2 months with a few texts and 2 visits amounting to a total of 5-6 hours.  He asked for a 3rd visit and our daughter canceled on her own telling her Dad she was "busy".  I was surprised and asked why she canceled and turns out she has felt scared of him and his anger.  Blew my mind because I have bent over backwards to make sure she knows I am not taking her away from her Dad, that he loves her, that she can spend as much time with him as she wants and I won't stop that and that our separation is just a result of us not being good for each other.  Her disclosure of being afraid of him surprised me and caused me to dig a bit deeper, let her talk about it and then I signed her up with a program in my city called, "Children Who Witness Abuse". 

Meanwhile, my ex is having a grand old time.  Has at least 3 women on the go right now that I know of and a mutual friend tells me she wants nothing more to do with him because he is acting so weird... .so incredibly happy and on top of the world.  I know what that is... .the 3 women are giving him crazy amounts of supply and so he is in the honeymoon phase of 3 relationships at once. LOL   I predict a crash and burn sooner than later... .

[saintgrey]

Do you guys think that with age people with BPD will try to keep the sudden changes under control ? i mean after all the partners in their life eventually they will start to realize that something is wrong with them right ?, one time i saw some writings from my ex and there was a lot of "maybe its me not them" regarding people she was splitting black and my family.

[rotiroti]

Do you guys think that with age people with BPD will try to keep her sudden changes under control ? i mean after all the partners in their life eventually they will start to realize that something is wrong with them, one time i saw some writings from my ex and there was a lot of "maybe its me not them" regarding people she was splitting black and my family.

Certainly, there is research out there that shows a decrease in BPD with age. Skip will post the stats time to time, what really stood out the most for me was, the biggest 'dip' in the BPD population was from age 44.

Various books like "Stop Walking on Egg Shells" and "I Hate you -- Don't leave me" also covers those statistics. Interesting stuff!

While researchers see the numbers, no one really knows the reason why. They hypothesize the 'growing out of BPD' is due to biological changes such as menopause.

[LonelyChild]

Mine is an absolute wreck. She turned to prostitution, lost her home, abused drugs, lied to everyone, was locked up in a psych ward for 3 months and is now in an assisted living place. She's gone from really bad (when she was with me) to an absolute wreck who is basically a sack of meat doing nothing. Sounds very demeaning but is sadly enough pretty accurate. I wish her all the best and hope she can manage her life.

[GreenEyedMonster]

I can't say for sure, but I'm guessing he's in bad shape.

He's lost his entire group of friends, his parents are gone, he lives with his disabled brother, his finances are a mess, his band is breaking up, and from the little I know of him, he's spinning his wheels trying to belong to something, anything.  He posted on a public message board (where he knew I would see it) that he was trapped at home last weekend because of car problems.  I wonder how long his stubbornness will sustain him without recycling me.  It took him 1 year to find a girlfriend after his last breakup.

[LonelyChild]

Do you guys think that with age people with BPD will try to keep her sudden changes under control ? i mean after all the partners in their life eventually they will start to realize that something is wrong with them, one time i saw some writings from my ex and there was a lot of "maybe its me not them" regarding people she was splitting black and my family.

Certainly, there is research out there that shows a decrease in BPD with age. Skip will post the stats time to time, what really stood out the most for me was, the biggest 'dip' in the BPD population was from age 44.

This seems to be debatable. I don't want to say you're wrong since I haven't seen the statistics directly, but the "decrease in BPD" you're talking about is - in my experience - pretty marginal. ALL behaviors are toned down with age. My BPD father, for example, became somewhat less acting out in his 60's. The aggression is still there, but I think he's too exhausted to still act out.

[Pretty Woman]

NeverAgainThanks, contrary to popular opinion BPD's untreated actually get worse with age, not better. There are a lot of conflicting articles out there but evidence seems to prove it gets worse.

My ex is with my replacement however all her friends defected on FB and she ranted over that for two weeks so I am thinking she's not doing great, she's just mirroring.

Before we split she bought a car she really couldn't afford and wasn't doing great at her job. I am sure there are quite a few stressors right now.

[rotiroti]

Do you guys think that with age people with BPD will try to keep her sudden changes under control ? i mean after all the partners in their life eventually they will start to realize that something is wrong with them, one time i saw some writings from my ex and there was a lot of "maybe its me not them" regarding people she was splitting black and my family.

Certainly, there is research out there that shows a decrease in BPD with age. Skip will post the stats time to time, what really stood out the most for me was, the biggest 'dip' in the BPD population was from age 44.

This seems to be debatable. I don't want to say you're wrong since I haven't seen the statistics directly, but the "decrease in BPD" you're talking about is - in my experience - pretty marginal. ALL behaviors are toned down with age. My BPD father, for example, became somewhat less acting out in his 60's. The aggression is still there, but I think he's too exhausted to still act out.

Ah... thank you for sharing your experience. Now that I think about it, my future father-in-law was the same. Maybe it was projecting by my BPDex, but what she told me about her father was someone who met all 9 criteria for BPD, of course when I met him I saw none of it... .but he was also quite old when I met him

NeverAgainThanks, contrary to popular opinion BPD's untreated actually get worse with age, not better. There are a lot of conflicting articles out there but evidence seems to prove it gets worse.

My ex is with my replacement however all her friends defected on FB and she ranted over that for two weeks so I am thinking she's not doing great, she's just mirroring.

Before we split she bought a car she really couldn't afford and wasn't doing great at her job. I am sure there are quite a few stressors right now.

I could totally see this! thanks PW and LC

[SGraham]

Proud to say i havent broken nc once since my b/u two months ago, so to answer your question, i have no clue.

[HappyNihilist]

Do you guys think that with age people with BPD will try to keep her sudden changes under control ? i mean after all the partners in their life eventually they will start to realize that something is wrong with them, one time i saw some writings from my ex and there was a lot of "maybe its me not them" regarding people she was splitting black and my family.

Certainly, there is research out there that shows a decrease in BPD with age. Skip will post the stats time to time, what really stood out the most for me was, the biggest 'dip' in the BPD population was from age 44.

This seems to be debatable. I don't want to say you're wrong since I haven't seen the statistics directly, but the "decrease in BPD" you're talking about is - in my experience - pretty marginal. ALL behaviors are toned down with age. My BPD father, for example, became somewhat less acting out in his 60's. The aggression is still there, but I think he's too exhausted to still act out.

I'm out of town on business, so I don't have my handy BPD Notebook around (yes, I have a notebook full of articles and research  ), but my recollection of the research I've seen is in line with what LonelyChild said. Typically, in untreated BPD cases, the disordered thinking and patterns never go away, but the acting-out behaviors tone down a lot.

Here's an excerpt from an article from the German Clinical Research Unit on BPD (full article here) - and these studies focus on diagnosed pwBPD who go through some form of treatment.

Another field that still contains many unanswered questions pertains to the course of BPD. Evidence from longitudinal studies points to a rapid reduction of the number of fulfilled BPD criteria per individual within a few years, with remission rates of up to 99% at 16-year follow-up. However, this might be misleading since longitudinal studies have also demonstrated that levels of psychosocial impairment do not significantly decline, and that "temperamental" symptoms of BPD such as dependency and anger are more persistent over time, even after formal remission according to diagnostic criteria has been reached. A cross-sectional comparison of younger (18–25 years) and older (>45 years) BPD patients showed that, although the prevalence of individual symptoms such as impulsivity, suicidal behavior, and affective instability is lower in older patients, the two age groups are strikingly similar in terms of the average number of fulfilled criteria, Axis I co-morbidities, and functional impairment.

[rotiroti]

Do you guys think that with age people with BPD will try to keep her sudden changes under control ? i mean after all the partners in their life eventually they will start to realize that something is wrong with them, one time i saw some writings from my ex and there was a lot of "maybe its me not them" regarding people she was splitting black and my family.

Certainly, there is research out there that shows a decrease in BPD with age. Skip will post the stats time to time, what really stood out the most for me was, the biggest 'dip' in the BPD population was from age 44.

This seems to be debatable. I don't want to say you're wrong since I haven't seen the statistics directly, but the "decrease in BPD" you're talking about is - in my experience - pretty marginal. ALL behaviors are toned down with age. My BPD father, for example, became somewhat less acting out in his 60's. The aggression is still there, but I think he's too exhausted to still act out.

I'm out of town on business, so I don't have my handy BPD Notebook around (yes, I have a notebook full of articles and research  ), but my recollection of the research I've seen is in line with what LonelyChild said. Typically, in untreated BPD cases, the disordered thinking and patterns never go away, but the acting-out behaviors tone down a lot.

Here's an excerpt from an article from the German Clinical Research Unit on BPD (full article here) - and these studies focus on diagnosed pwBPD who go through some form of treatment.

Another field that still contains many unanswered questions pertains to the course of BPD. Evidence from longitudinal studies points to a rapid reduction of the number of fulfilled BPD criteria per individual within a few years, with remission rates of up to 99% at 16-year follow-up. However, this might be misleading since longitudinal studies have also demonstrated that levels of psychosocial impairment do not significantly decline, and that "temperamental" symptoms of BPD such as dependency and anger are more persistent over time, even after formal remission according to diagnostic criteria has been reached. A cross-sectional comparison of younger (18–25 years) and older (>45 years) BPD patients showed that, although the prevalence of individual symptoms such as impulsivity, suicidal behavior, and affective instability is lower in older patients, the two age groups are strikingly similar in terms of the average number of fulfilled criteria, Axis I co-morbidities, and functional impairment.

I'm sad now

Proud to say i havent broken nc once since my b/u two months ago, so to answer your question, i have no clue.

Way to go SGraham! I think those first few months were the hardest for me, have you felt that all this time has helped you heal?

[honeysuckle]

My Ex to the outside world is happy as a clam. Getting married loving life! Happy new step-dad. Nothing could be better.

whats happening behind the scenes... Both of his grown children have told him he is pure evil. One wants nothing to do with him and the other comes around for money only. The new kid blames him for the break up of his parents and they fight all the time. He hates his job and continually looks for another but no one will hire him and he has burned too many bridges to move inside the company. He is broke and most of the time exhausted.

So far the only thing age has done for him is make him lazy and not have as much energy or opportunity to continue his normal destruction. So in my opinion he might not be as bad as he was when he was younger but it is only do to circumstances

[ppb2la]

Mine was homeless for quite a while-it's been 9 weeks since the 11th BU. I confronted him about his PD's- uNPD and uBPD in the hope that he would get some help for himself. I approached it in a very loving caring way in an email. However, I think possibly being confronted about this for the first time from a gf triggered him. I noticed a severe deterioration in his appearance since we split which tells me that mentally and otherwise he is NOT doing well at all.

He just found my replacement and am sure is in the honeymoon period now. She may be a former gf. Either way, she possibly doesn't know what she is in for.

I disagree about the symptoms of BPD wavering off around age 44. My guy was 43 when I met him; just turned 44 and is VERY bad.

Possibly it depends on the person as to whether the symptoms get better or not with age.

[SGraham]

Neveragainthanks,

Yeah im generally better, there is still rough days and the memories of our dates and intimate moments are still way to painful to think about for too long, but yes generally better. I've gotten back into a hobby of mine and i had a sort of epiphany so i think i might make a post about it in a few days. Thanks for asking.

[Dutched]

A quick comment, not to hijack moderator.

While researchers see the numbers, no one really knows the reason why. They hypothesize the 'growing out of BPD' is due to biological changes such as menopause.

I didn’t read your story, but I think you haven’t reached and so experienced midlife yet with a partner.

Never seen those hypothesizes.

On the contrary, as memopause have tremendous influences on the body AND emotional wellbeing of women. They getting more easy upset for minor issues, feel miserable, sleep patterns change, etc.

To be short, mild or more severe, they ‘get it on their nerves’ and it isn’t pleasant for the woman, nor their family.

Add this with the inner turmoil of BPD and you might expect an outcome which is way beyond pleasant.

Mentioned more than once on this board (and in my former local support group) that during midlife they end very suddenly (outbursts) long term relatively stable relationships (which was in my case, although many flaws/outburst, etc.).

It is even my very strong believe, after reading many stories and literature that high conflict divorces during midlife (40 – 55) are caused by a partner that are out of control, maybe better expressed, are fully exhibiting many traits of Cluster B.

[Dutched]

On topic

Exw is ‘happy’ with her great granddad of a 65yrs old., low social class, no home, lived in a camper for yrs., broken family ties (as his kids AND grandkids, again, broken families). A Michelin puppet with tattoos. Tattoos so hated…, once…

On the outside. Finally free, free of the burdens of a family, better, the years of necessity of being with me.

For both parties this r/s will be ‘till death us part’.

For him his last chance to have a nurse with a purse and a roof for his old days.

For her one, to help ease AND being in control of her issues as she knows he is her last resort.

Behind a façade a ‘happy 4ever’. But HF, she even can’t afford to break up. That façade, for which a HF is most vulnerable, must stay intact at all costs, special now, special towards kids/family and their social circle. In time living the same unfulfilling life again with universal ‘the best ever happened to me’.

Anyway, it was all she could get…

Just imagine how proud one feels when a plan finally comes together at midlife.

Finally found what one was looking for, love after decades of necessity

However, the eyes (window to the soul) show years later, still something else. The baseline is not found.

[Nextinline]

Well based on what I saw on Facebook my ex fiancé is happily involved with a bankrupt, crippled ex rugby player with no future.

So she is happily telling the world about all the low rent cheap places they go out for dinner. So I'm guessing she is doing very well and is happy. After all it is still the idealisation phase and I am painted black now.

She has lived half her life and has nothing to show for it other than debt. She has hooked her wagon to a guy that has less than she does.

But her Facebook status tells me she is happy.

Go figure!

[Mr Hollande]

I've always been suspicious of people who need to shout about their happiness from the rooftops. It reeks of denial to me.

[LonelyChild]

I've always been suspicious of people who need to shout about their happiness from the rooftops. It reeks of denial to me.

This is very interesting, indeed. During our r/s, my uBPDxgf often said "hold my hand so people se how happy we are" and 100 other similar things to show off our false happiness.

[Nextinline]

I've always been suspicious of people who need to shout about their happiness from the rooftops. It reeks of denial to me.

This is very interesting, indeed. During our r/s, my uBPDxgf often said "hold my hand so people se how happy we are" and 100 other similar things to show off our false happiness.

That is a very powerful observation. If I could only believe that such a thought process was fully planned as far as the seriously screwed up mindset of a BPD was concerned.

You could almost say there was a level of evilness in there behaviour if their intent was to inflict pain on those that they left behind.

[greenmonkey]

I have had strict no contact for nearly 10 months.

What i do know, she is still very interested in me and my life. She has increased debts, she has no stable place to call home. She still stalks me and is showing no sign of getting bored.

Her Facebook screams of look at me aren't I wonderful - which would be no different than it has been for years - do I look - not interested - I am more concerned about me and my own well-being.

Is she happy ? who knows I doubt it very much, it is her life, her choices she has made over the years.

She is on a self destruct mission that cannot be stopped by anyone, no one can save her, rescue her make her happy - the only one who can do anything to stop the train wreck is her - very sad but true.

[Wall bike]

It appears no one on here has a exBPDs that they have to have contact with due to minor children?  Is that correct?

[Mutt]

Hi saturated,

It appears no one on here has a exBPDs that they have to have contact with due to minor children?  Is that correct?

I have S4, S7, D9 and shared custody.