She knocked on my door - literally

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I was in a relationship with my ex BPD for 5 years. She left me 2 and half months ago for my replacement.

My full story: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=280023

After the breakup I thought it's finally over... she already moved on and I have to do the same. The things she did to me helped a lot. The lies and endless arguments about nothing. A long road ahead but I knew that my things gonna be alright in time...

In the first couple weeks we had very limited contact maybe 1-2 smaller arguments via text message. I never contacted her always she was who initiated... But last week she called me couple of times. I ignored her calls but finally I picked up the phone. She said she had a terrible dream of me and really wants to know if I'm alright... and if I'm seeing other girls... and if I'm happy... It was short conversation because I said I don't want to talk about things like that...

On the next day in the morning she came to my apartment and she knocked on my door. She said that she wants to talk with me and she wants to know if I'm alright... I was totally shocked. I can't remember the whole conversation because my brain turned off. I asked her to leave because I'm not able to talk about our things yet. I have so much to say but I was weak and unable to speak...

This week she is on a holiday with her family. She sent a couple of pictures about places where we were together a couple of years ago, saying good memories... As far as I know she is still together with the replacement and therefore I do not understand her behaviour. I know that BPD is far from normal and maybe it's just a mind game or a test if I still there for her. I don't know... but I really want to know what is in the background.

I'm really confused right know. I just started my healing process and I felt much better from week to week but now I'm feeling stucked again. I think I still love her but in the same time I know she will never ever change.

Please share your thoughts!

Thank you all!

[Ahead]

I was in a relationship with my ex BPD for 5 years. She left me 2 and half months ago for my replacement.

My full story: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=280023

After the breakup I thought it's finally over... she already moved on and I have to do the same. The things she did to me helped a lot. The lies and endless arguments about nothing. A long road ahead but I knew that my things gonna be alright in time...

In the first couple weeks we had very limited contact maybe 1-2 smaller arguments via text message. I never contacted her always she was who initiated... But last week she called me couple of times. I ignored her calls but finally I picked up the phone. She said she had a terrible dream of me and really wants to know if I'm alright... and if I'm seeing other girls... and if I'm happy... It was short conversation because I said I don't want to talk about things like that...

On the next day in the morning she came to my apartment and she knocked on my door. She said that she wants to talk with me and she wants to know if I'm alright... I was totally shocked. I can't remember the whole conversation because my brain turned off. I asked her to leave because I'm not able to talk about our things yet. I have so much to say but I was weak and unable to speak...

This week she is on a holiday with her family. She sent a couple of pictures about places where we were together a couple of years ago, saying good memories... As far as I know she is still together with the replacement and therefore I do not understand her behaviour. I know that BPD is far from normal and maybe it's just a mind game or a test if I still there for her. I don't know... but I really want to know what is in the background.

I'm really confused right know. I just started my healing process and I felt much better from week to week but now I'm feeling stucked again. I think I still love her but in the same time I know she will never ever change.

Please share your thoughts!

Thank you all!

[JohnLove]

The only thought I have after reading your post.

Don't answer the door.

[rotiroti]

First of all, I think you handled the door incident incredibly well. You felt you were not ready- you were firm and to the point.

I just read your story and it sounds like you want to continue your path of detaching and healing. If you have spent enough time on these boards, you know that these 'emotional feelers' come time to time again to test our attachment to them. It's natural to feel stuck and confused, but remind yourself of all the terrible things she has done. Is it something you want to return to?

It doesn't matter if she has is still with the replacement or not. Until she seeks therapy and gets better, nothing will ever change.

[Infern0]

When i had my first breakup with mine she acted in this way, split me white again within a few weeks, although she already had a replacement. she was sending me pictures of herself while she was on vacation with him even, i tried to be friends with her but she kept pushing that boundry even though she was official with my replacement, I was in a very low place at the time so this was unhealthy for me as i started to hope shed leave him for me, she even moved in with him and acted like it was no big deal and we could still flirt and hang out and we might still have a future etc,

She's complain about him all the time and say that she thinks she's breaking up with him and then we could be together again, then she'd tell me that they had sorted things out so we needed to just be friends. She'd say that she didn't think they were going to last but she "had to try" and if it didn't she'd know she was meant to be with me. I was fogged out like crazy and couldn't do much about this other than ride the rollercoaster, I knew how wrong this was but once you are under fog, you have to just ride it until it ends.

it was really awful.

Be wary.

[Pretty Woman]

Hi There Ahead,

   I can tell you what is happening... .The replacement is falling off his pedestal and she is trying to rope you in again.

This happened to me several times. I, like you am dreading the knock on the door.  I feel like this time it's final, that I won't ever hear from her again, but I know my exes exes and she still tries to engage them, even years later. What would make me any different if I am just an "object" to her anyways?

I think you handled things well however I would not respond in the future. If you are truly trying to detach not responding is the best thing you can do at this juncture. Five years with a BPD... .I am impressed. I made it three and and I am exhausted and mentally screwed up from it.

What I see happening is this: She ropes you back in... .then at the smallest issue leaves you... .and goes back to your replacement. This is what I am going through right now and the rejection coupled with replacement is excrusiatingly painful. I never had a replacement in state, a mile from me. I could NEVER take her back. I would feel the need to check her phone hourly, spend every waking moment with her to make sure she wasn't cheating... .

pretty much stalk my girlfriend. Yeah that's healthy!


What kind of life is that? Not one I want. I don't deserve to be cheated on. All the "we will be together forever", "I'm never leaving" meant absolutely nothing. Three months of silence from her and FB posts about how much she is in love with someone else... .a week after dumping me.

I could NEVER trust this person again. Ever.

Those are the things you need to think of when missing her. You miss the "idea" of her, not her. She is incapable of being in a relationship. Once you are able to see that it makes things better. Think about it... .she is texting and contacting you behind the replacements back. Remember when you were in his place? She hasn't changed and without therapy likely never will.

PW

[rotiroti]

I would feel the need to check her phone hourly, spend every waking moment with her to make sure she wasn't cheating... .

pretty much stalk my girlfriend. Yeah that's healthy!

   

Argh PW! I know that exact feeling... , it would fill be with that horrible anxious feeling. Funny thing was that this was one of the things she made me promise to her over and over again during the relationship.

What kind of life is that? Not one I want. I don't deserve to be cheated on. All the "we will be together forever", "I'm never leaving" meant absolutely nothing. Three months of silence from her and FB posts about how much she is in love with someone else... .a week after dumping me.

right on, NO one deserves to be played like that.

PW hits on a good point, that it's easy to miss the idea of our exes. Tread carefully!