Feeling like breaking NC

[disorderedsociety]

I know she's 6 months pregnant at this point and likely still with the "replacement" but I still get this overwhelming urge to get her back which I know is likely possible given that she's contacted me several times since they got together. I'm not sure why this is. She was diagnosed BPD but doesn't really have a lot of the traits, usually just keeps to herself. I feel like my ego is strong enough to deal with it but on the other hand what's the point? I'm feeling pretty pointless lately.

[Pretty Woman]

Is it your baby she is carrying?

If no, I would NOT try anything. You don't need to get into that situation. Look at all the guys on here stuck in a relationship with a crazy BPD for years because they have children with them. If it's not your child you will be triangulated with the father and... .

Well you know what can happen.  I am so glad you posted here. Don't try to get her back... .it will hurt you worse in the longrun and then you will be attached to this baby... .

Nothing good can come of this.

PW

[disorderedsociety]

Is it your baby she is carrying?

If no, I would NOT try anything. You don't need to get into that situation. Look at all the guys on here stuck in a relationship with a crazy BPD for years because they have children with them. If it's not your child you will be triangulated with the father and... .

Well you know what can happen.  I am so glad you posted here. Don't try to get her back... .it will hurt you worse in the longrun and then you will be attached to this baby... .

Nothing good can come of this.

PW

Nope. His. I don't even know what I would say to her let alone what I would do if she wanted me back. Part of me tries to find ways to rationalize wanting to see her. Like that saying, where your mind wanders to is where your heart is? My mind plays tricks on me saying since I think about her and what happened I still love her.

[ReclaimingMyLife]

I can sure relate to those mind tricks.  I think it would be more accurate to say our minds wander to where our ego is.  To where our wounds are.  I really felt like I loved my UxBPDbf and in some ways I did.  What we shared was often genuine in the moment.  But I don't think it was all about love. As in real love.  For me, I think it was more about  fear.  Fear that I wasn't good enough.  Fear that he would find someone different or better than me.  Fear that he would be happy and I wouldn't .  Fear that I'd never have such good sex again.  Fear that I was wrong to have ever hooked up with him (like, I made a mistake but I don't want to admit it is a mistake, so I just keep the mistake going).  Fear that I had a faulty "boyfriend-picker" which could only be disproven by the r/s working.  If there was a way to really pull my fear out of my feelings, I wonder how long I really would have stayed.

I am 9 months out of r/s and am so darn relieved.  Which was not how it felt in the beginning at all.  Heck, even at 6 mos I was still struggling.  Just today I was thinking how grateful I am to not have known about BPD before the r/s ended.  I fear that with that explanation of his behavior I would have spent years trying to prove I was "mo better" and "mo powerful" than BPD.  That I would win.  All of which would have been ego and fear driven. 

I thank my lucky stars I am OUT.  Stay the course, my friend.  You can always change your mind way down the road when there is less "pull" to do so.

Hang in there!

[saintgrey]

Is it your baby she is carrying?

If no, I would NOT try anything. You don't need to get into that situation. Look at all the guys on here stuck in a relationship with a crazy BPD for years because they have children with them. If it's not your child you will be triangulated with the father and... .

Well you know what can happen.  I am so glad you posted here. Don't try to get her back... .it will hurt you worse in the longrun and then you will be attached to this baby... .

Nothing good can come of this.

PW

Nope. His. I don't even know what I would say to her let alone what I would do if she wanted me back. Part of me tries to find ways to rationalize wanting to see her. Like that saying, where your mind wanders to is where your heart is? My mind plays tricks on me saying since I think about her and what happened I still love her.

I want to tell you something mate, if you ever take back a women that left you for another man you will never get the respect you deserve, you will always be the guy that took her back and she will take advantage of that BPD or not.

[Mutt]

Hi disorderedsociety,

I understand. My uBPDex is due any day now with her boyfriends' baby. She left 2 1/1 years ago and we have three children from our r/s and we communicate mostly about the kids with things like daycare, school etc.

Last spring her boyfriend had moved in with her and by early winter she had approached me to talk to me about becoming friends for the sake of the kids and I had maintained low contact for over a year and a half and spoke mostly about the kids and nothing personal with her. I think that she was triggered by the fact that her boyfriend had moved in and felt engulfed and by December of last year she was pregnant.

Is it your baby she is carrying?

If no, I would NOT try anything. You don't need to get into that situation. Look at all the guys on here stuck in a relationship with a crazy BPD for years because they have children with them. If it's not your child you will be triangulated with the father and... .

Well you know what can happen.  I am so glad you posted here. Don't try to get her back... .it will hurt you worse in the longrun and then you will be attached to this baby... .

Nothing good can come of this.

PW

Nope. His. I don't even know what I would say to her let alone what I would do if she wanted me back. Part of me tries to find ways to rationalize wanting to see her. Like that saying, where your mind wanders to is where your heart is? My mind plays tricks on me saying since I think about her and what happened I still love her.

Since her pregnancy she has sent messages where she's trying to be helpful; offering furniture for the kids, wanting to reduce child support, validating that I'm a good father and I'm slowly being split white and her boyfriend is slowly being split black. I was a fixer and helper and her savior and it's her way of saying that she needs me.

With that being said, my ex is about to have a child with her boyfriend and if I went back to her because her boyfriend is getting frustrated with her, what's to say she wouldn't go back to him again?

I don't think that she understands the dynamic and role what she casts people in. When my ex left me I was persecutor and I was split black, it was scorched earth and the boyfriend was rescuer. BPD is a persecution complex and he's being cast in the role of persecutor and she's trying to cast me in the role of rescuer. Personally, I don't want to assume the role of rescuer and eventually persecutor. Pretty Woman also has a good point, I don't want to be responsible for her boyfriends child either.

[disorderedsociety]

Is it your baby she is carrying?

If no, I would NOT try anything. You don't need to get into that situation. Look at all the guys on here stuck in a relationship with a crazy BPD for years because they have children with them. If it's not your child you will be triangulated with the father and... .

Well you know what can happen.  I am so glad you posted here. Don't try to get her back... .it will hurt you worse in the longrun and then you will be attached to this baby... .

Nothing good can come of this.

PW

Nope. His. I don't even know what I would say to her let alone what I would do if she wanted me back. Part of me tries to find ways to rationalize wanting to see her. Like that saying, where your mind wanders to is where your heart is? My mind plays tricks on me saying since I think about her and what happened I still love her.

I want to tell you something mate, if you ever take back a women that left you for another man you will never get the respect you deserve, you will always be the guy that took her back and she will take advantage of that BPD or not.

This is one of the biggest things I realized is that she played so many mind games during and after, what makes me think it'll be any better, if not worse if she comes back around? Its sickening. Even a non-BPD woman is not gonna see the man in the same way after a stint with another guy. 

[ReclaimingMyLife]

This is one of the biggest things I realized is that she played so many mind games during and after, what makes me think it'll be any better, if not worse if she comes back around? Its sickening. Even a non-BPD woman is not gonna see the man in the same way after a stint with another guy. 

Even more important than how she or any non-BPD woman is going to see you, is HOW WILL YOU SEE YOURSELF?

[saintgrey]

This is one of the biggest things I realized is that she played so many mind games during and after, what makes me think it'll be any better, if not worse if she comes back around? Its sickening. Even a non-BPD woman is not gonna see the man in the same way after a stint with another guy. 

Even more important than how she or any non-BPD woman is going to see you, is HOW WILL YOU SEE YOURSELF?

Exactly ! how will you see yourself going back to someone that was capable of doing something like that.

[disorderedsociety]

This is one of the biggest things I realized is that she played so many mind games during and after, what makes me think it'll be any better, if not worse if she comes back around? Its sickening. Even a non-BPD woman is not gonna see the man in the same way after a stint with another guy. 

Even more important than how she or any non-BPD woman is going to see you, is HOW WILL YOU SEE YOURSELF?

Exactly ! how will you see yourself going back to someone that was capable of doing something like that.

It would be pointless. Longing for something is dysfunctional. Playing into a fantasy is irrational.

I would still love myself, but I would not grow from that. I don't know what she needs, nor do I need to know.

[theoneone]

I hear you man, as I struggle with this every day, although I'm only 1 1/2 months into NC.

I know she's 6 months pregnant at this point and likely still with the "replacement" but I still get this overwhelming urge to get her back which I know is likely possible given that she's contacted me several times since they got together. I'm not sure why this is. She was diagnosed BPD but doesn't really have a lot of the traits, usually just keeps to herself. I feel like my ego is strong enough to deal with it but on the other hand what's the point? I'm feeling pretty pointless lately.

If you are asking why you still have the urge I think that is a great question and one that is worth spending some time on. In my case, why WOULD I want to get back together with someone who doesn't respect me and has dated (and I'm gonna guess slept with) at least 4 other people in the time we've been away from each-other?

ReclaimingMyLife nailed it for me. Fear. Fear of being alone forever. Fear of not getting as good of sex. Fear of not finding someone as exciting. And I guess some boredom too (I mean, my ex WAS exciting, that's for sure and sometimes I miss that).

The way out is to be as full and as healthy of an individual as we can be, so we don't NEED anyone, but rather can choose to be with someone who treats us with love and respect.