Low-contact

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My uBPDexgf lives across the street, complete NC isn't realistic; I have tried remaining NC on my end but she won't leave me alone. Looking at the overall situation, and wanting to reach acceptance and indifference through detachment, I am thinking of trying LC.

I have learned a lot about BPD and my role in the relationship through reading so many great posts, the support has really helped me during the worst time of my life, I am thankful to all.

Has anyone found LC to be best for them to detach and heal? I welcome what worked best for you and any advice.

[lovenature]

My uBPDexgf lives across the street, complete NC isn't realistic; I have tried remaining NC on my end but she won't leave me alone. Looking at the overall situation, and wanting to reach acceptance and indifference through detachment, I am thinking of trying LC.

I have learned a lot about BPD and my role in the relationship through reading so many great posts, the support has really helped me during the worst time of my life, I am thankful to all.

Has anyone found LC to be best for them to detach and heal? I welcome what worked best for you and any advice.

[once removed]

hey lovenature 

i think youre right, with her living on your street complete NC is simply not realistic. can you elaborate on her not leaving you alone?

[scgator]

My uBPDexgf lives across the street, complete NC isn't realistic; I have tried remaining NC on my end but she won't leave me alone. Looking at the overall situation, and wanting to reach acceptance and indifference through detachment, I am thinking of trying LC.

I have learned a lot about BPD and my role in the relationship through reading so many great posts, the support has really helped me during the worst time of my life, I am thankful to all.

Has anyone found LC to be best for them to detach and heal? I welcome what worked best for you and any advice.

I went from NC to LC and it is kind of a double-edged sword. I didn't want to completely abandon her, especially after saying I would never leave. I was able to put a couple of boundaries in place - that I wouldn't reply to put downs and I won't be a fwb or even just a friend at the moment as everything is too fresh. I was able to get a lot off my chest too - not that she acknowledged much but it made me feel better.

Now, though, I am ready to be done with it all for good but I don't want to just suddenly block her on FB and my phone when the last time we talked was civil. I've not heard from her in almost 2 weeks and don't really care to. I just haven't built up the courage to just block everything and get on with my life. I find myself altering my own behavior in order to prevent her lashing out. It almost makes me wish I'd have stayed NC.

I can be civil with my ex but I can't be around her as a friend. I would think living across the street from her would be tough, especially from a moving on standpoint. But being LC and establishing boundaries helped me get a little closure. Good luck, hang in there and keep us posted.

[Mutt]

Hi lovenature,

I'm sorry to hear that. My ex lives across the street as well and we have kids so NC is not a solution.

I have gone no contact now for over 2 months, although she kept calling, leaving messages, and banging on my doors around Christmas time.

Is she banging on your door, leaving messages and calling?

[lovenature]

Hey OR and Mutt, she does keep calling, banging on my door; I had her call blocked a while ago and the banging on doors became more frequent, now I just let her leave messages and usually don't listen to them. I have thought about a restraining order or cameras to collect evidence and have her charged, considering what she has done in the past (scratched my car, damaged a window on my house), and what she might do after being charged, I want to manage the situation as best as I can; including being able to detach and reach indifference to her living across the street.

There is a woman who lives around the corner from me that I became friends with and my ex has been convinced for over 3 years now that I have been involved with this woman (of course she was also convinced I was involved with other women and even in a gay relationship; while I was intimate with her ). I have stopped spending time with my friend because it is a trigger for my ex and she has been causing problems for this woman.

My thought of LC is mainly to soothe my ex by giving her some attention, stop or reduce the problems she is creating, and help me to accept her for who she is and continue healing.

[once removed]

my immediate thoughts are that a restraining order seems called for since she has damaged your property and exhibited controlling behavior. but i think youre right to consider LC and the results it might bring.

so next i would wonder what LC might look like to you in this case. why is she banging on your door? what does she want when she initiates contact? has she indicated she wants to reconcile?

[Mutt]

Hi lovenature,

I can see how emotionally distressing your situation would be and its sad to hear that it's affected your personal life and inter-personal r/s's and we need to be connected with people.

It sounds like inhibited grieving, a pwBPD can't grieve what their defense mechanisms won't allow them to feel and sadness and loss is redirected with self sabotage, anger and acting out behaviors.

Have you talked to your friend?

I understand your logic with low contact to sooth your ex and I suggest leave her to her devices and let her sooth herself, we're not responsible for someone else's feelings. We can reach indifference and depersonalize the behaviors, I think it helps to learn about BPD pathology.

Do you feel like carrying a voice recorder will help if your giving consideration to a restraining order and cameras?

[lovenature]

She does want to reconcile, I have told her in the past when she came over that she needs to move on and let me go because it just ends up being more hurt for both of us (doesn't matter what I say, depends on her emotions what she believes/says/does). My plan with LC is to give her some validation and soothe her loneliness, allow myself to detach; NC would be best for me but not realistic.

I have spoken to my friend, she believes in going the evidence/police route. I will admit learning about BPD has affected my decisions, knowing it is an illness and she does not intend to hurt me with her defence mechanisms has swayed me from going further with the authorities. I think even if she were to be charged and live the affects that would have on her, she would blame others for it and things could get even worse. My long term future is my main concern, the lack of boundaries she has shown are of significant concern, and I want to feel right about the decisions I make.

I had stopped going to see my friend, remained NC on my end, tried to avoid triggers, but recently there was an incident between my ex and my friend that I was not witness to and won't get involved in with either of them.

I know it is best for me to remain NC and let her do what she will, my concern is how far she may go. Ideally LC with me will moderate the situation, and hopefully she attaches to someone else.

I don't know for sure what I will end up doing, my greatest concern is how far my health has declined and what I need to do for it to improve. Learning about my co-dependency, the victim/rescuer dynamic, and my part in the relationship has been very helpful.

[Mutt]

Hi lovenature,

my greatest concern is how far my health has declined and what I need to do for it to improve.

How about shifting the attention off of your ex with her inability to self soothe and taking care of you?

What does it mean to take care of yourself?

[once removed]

i agree with mutt. LC, restraining order, those are choices for you to make, but i think there is a lot of focus on her and appeasing her fears and accommodating her, and one possible outcome of that is giving her the impression there is an attachment/relationship (may already be the case), and that could play out badly.

"I will admit learning about BPD has affected my decisions, knowing it is an illness and she does not intend to hurt me with her defence mechanisms has swayed me from going further with the authorities. I think even if she were to be charged and live the affects that would have on her, she would blame others for it and things could get even worse. My long term future is my main concern, the lack of boundaries she has shown are of significant concern, and I want to feel right about the decisions I make."

i do sense some FOG in this statement. youre right that its an illness, but she has damaged your property, and showed very poor boundaries at the very least. it sounds like FOG is controlling your actions, preventing you from seeing your friend.

"Ideally LC with me will moderate the situation, and hopefully she attaches to someone else."

this is not a practical solution as theres zero guarantee that will happen. shes been at this for months. it seems to me that in this situation, with her living right by you, LC looks more like a smile and a wave, acknowledging her existence, small talk.

[lovenature]

Thanks for the replies.

I do as I please without any concern about what she thinks of it; the exception is the friend I mentioned only because of how we have both been affected. I realise the appearance of still being controlled and in the FOG, I admit I have changed some things to try and avoid seeing/hearing my ex., this is why I am considering LC-I can't avoid her completely and it sets me back when she tries to contact me, I want to reach indifference to her.

I may still end up going the legal route, thinking about the likely outcomes though makes me hesitate, as well as putting more time into something I don't want to do when I have already spent so much time focused on her and not me.

I want as much peace as possible. My main goal is to improve my health enough to where I can move away from where I am at (best possible solution for my situation), not just because of her, I want out of the city and into the country (have for years but family has kept me where I am at).

[Mutt]

Hi lovenature,

I can appreciate that you do as you please, we shouldn't feel fear, obligation and guilt?

I think that we have choices and we can move the yardstick around with contact? Do you feel like you're detached from your ex? Do you feel like it's time for self protection?

We can work on detaching, work on our emotional responses / triggers and reach indifference with BPD behaviors in no contact and we can move the yardsticks around again with low contact when we feel physically and emotionally healthier.

How does that sound?

[once removed]

hey lovenature,

can you give me some examples/scenarios of what LC would look like to you (not your goals or results youre hoping to achieve)? just some hypotheticals. how does the back and forth usually go, who initiates contact, how.

what is the most frequent scenario when it comes to her contacting you, and how do you currently/usually respond?

its all going to require firm boundaries.

[lovenature]

Hi Mutt, NC before LC is good, best for me would be NC, detach, and not be involved with each other again in any capacity if she doesn't get help. There have been many times of NC ranging from a day, to a month, to 5 month's face to face, she probably has been looking for a replacement and maybe found one during the 5 month's NC. I would remain NC if it weren't for the problem's she has caused my friend (was a mutual friend of my ex. and I, sorry I forgot to mention that earlier), and the anxiety and other health problems I have because of her not accepting NC with me. LC is primarily for me to be able to reach acceptance.

Hi O.R., currently she calls and leaves messages, I usually don't listen to the messages or call her. She knocks on my door and I sometimes let her in, less hurtful words between us face to face than through email, text etc.

Going forward, I would see LC as her usually initiating contact, I would accept talking to her if the timing was ok with me and boundaries were not crossed (hard when strong feelings from the heart are involved); keep it clear there is no romantic relationship. Depending on how it goes (boundaries are respected), possibly go for a walk; mainly depends on how I am effected emotionally.

[once removed]

hey lovenature,

i dont mean to pry; im trying to get at the nature of these conversations so i can better understand the situation, how you can manage it, and put boundaries in place.

she calls and leaves messages: i know you said you dont usually listen, do you know what kinds of things does she usually say in these messages? are they about reconciling? are they demanding of your whereabouts or your attention? she knocks on your door, what does she want? to hang out? for you to reassure her, give her the impression of a relationship? i mean, in general, what kind of conversation is she initiating, what does she want?

[lovenature]

Hey O.R., her messages and speaking face to face are mixed, usually starts out just wanting to see me as a friend to talk, then turns to wanting more; blaming me/other woman for why we are not together. One night after NC on my end for about a month I let her in when she said her mom is not well and just wants a friend to talk to, not long before she tells me about some guy in a bar that was interested in her but she didn't do anything, then tells me she misses my touch and taste, I ended our talk after that and got her to leave.

She won't accept the relationship is over, what she says/does depends on her emotion of the moment, you know how hurtful it can be when within minutes it goes from I love you to I hate you. I realize I can't reason with her, it is all about her and what she wants at a given time.

I have thought about my emotions and the overall situation over the last few days (she has been calling but hasn't come over), I think it is best for me if I try and have as little contact as possible with her.

Thanks for your replies.