Mental illness

[lovenature]

I find knowing BPD is a serious mental illness has mainly helped me but also hurt me; if the hurtful actions/words  of my uBPDexgf were intentional and she was just a nasty, self-centered person trying to manipulate me into doing what ever she wanted, I think detachment would be easier. Learning that her behaviours are coping mechanisms and she is not capable of empathy, combined with her continuing to contact me and not let go, has made it very difficult for my heart to detach, even though my head knows I must.

Anyone have similar thoughts?

[valet]

Hi lovenature, I get your frustration here. When my pwBPD broke up with me, I wished that there was some concrete reason for me to hate her. I thought that it would have made detachment much easier.

I also understand the internal struggle that you're encountering with her continued attempts to contact you. It is hard to let go of something that we love, especially when that thing keeps on coming back. It seems 'meant to be'.

I would look at this as an advantage that you have. You are already much closer to understanding that there is no good or evil; no black or white. There are only choices, and yes... .there are reasons for those choices. Fact is, you do have a choice here, and you can enforce it, even if it seems like you can't.

What type of contact have the two of you had so far, since the separation?

[Invictus01]

It made it easier for me to forgive, that's for sure.

[disillusionedandsore]

Yes, facing the mental illness was an excruciatingly painful process. Any other explanation would have been preferred.  Cruel.

[Michelle27]

Interesting.  Mental illness made it easier to understand what was going on.  Without that, I would have had to accept that his behaviors were evil and he was just that mean and nasty. It explained the contrast from the amazing days of the first part of the relationship and how that differed as could possibly be from how I was treated later on.  It helped with being able to let go finally when I realized that HIS illness was no reason for me to believe I could actually fix things with any actions of my own.  I can only work on healing me, and after years of promises that never were followed through with on his part, I was able to end things with an open heart and mind knowing I did the best I could under the circumstances and need to move on.

[lovenature]

Hi Valet, our contact has been some physical and mostly emotional as she typically keeps calling/coming over (lives across the street), for a while now I have mainly just let her in sometimes and try to talk to her using the SET method. Nothing has changed and she is no closer to getting the right help than 2 1/2 years ago; long before I knew what BPD was but after an incident that crossed the line,  I told her she needs help and wanted to take her to her family doctor for a start, she refused and I should have left when she wouldn't let me take her to the doctor.

I believe in our case that I must maintain NC and plan to do my best.

[apollotech]

Interesting.  Mental illness made it easier to understand what was going on.  Without that, I would have had to accept that his behaviors were evil and he was just that mean and nasty. It explained the contrast from the amazing days of the first part of the relationship and how that differed as could possibly be from how I was treated later on.  It helped with being able to let go finally when I realized that HIS illness was no reason for me to believe I could actually fix things with any actions of my own.  I can only work on healing me, and after years of promises that never were followed through with on his part, I was able to end things with an open heart and mind knowing I did the best I could under the circumstances and need to move on.

This ^^^^ is basically what I took from the "mental illness" conclusion. If my ex had not had a mental illness, then that would have meant that she was the nastiest person that I had ever encountered in my life, a far worse situation.

[valet]

Hi Valet, our contact has been some physical and mostly emotional as she typically keeps calling/coming over (lives across the street), for a while now I have mainly just let her in sometimes and try to talk to her using the SET method. Nothing has changed and she is no closer to getting the right help than 2 1/2 years ago; long before I knew what BPD was but after an incident that crossed the line,  I told her she needs help and wanted to take her to her family doctor for a start, she refused and I should have left when she wouldn't let me take her to the doctor.

I believe in our case that I must maintain NC and plan to do my best.

Yeah, the proximity there makes it a more tricky situation to navigate. How can you detach without resentment when she is constantly knocking at your door?

I feel that it might be wise to examine what you want out of this relationship. I'm not getting a clear sense that you are actually enforcing NC. Is this correct, or have I overstepped with my assumption?

SET is a tool to help us communicate with our pwBPD when they are not emotionally regulated. It is also a great tool in any conflict situation. She has refused help thus far, from what you say. Is it a goal of yours to help her fully realize that she needs to see a T? You can't blame yourself for her decisions. You 'should' have left, but you didn't.

How do you best think that you can cope with your decision to stay (even though the relationship has ended), and do you think that this dynamic is continuing by your usage of tools like SET to soothe her when there is nothing that you can do right now?

[lovenature]

I have tried different approaches to make things work, I have maintained NC on my end for 5 months before; she showed up at my place and acted as if we were only apart for a few days. I wanted to try LC for my full detachment, and to ease her loneliness; unfortunately she will not accept our relationship is over and the necessary boundaries. I believe now that I need to stay NC and detach as best as I can in my situation. I don't have feelings of anger or resentment anymore (not for some time), I feel compassion and pity; it is sad to see the effects of her illness.

[disorderedsociety]

It's a doubled edged sword. On one hand it helps knowing you did the right thing and that you'd never be truly happy together and on the other you feel like they played you. Everyone plays games but people with BPD do it out of a deep need.

[Turkish]

Oceanheart, a member recovered from BPD, said that despite the illness, pwBPD need to be held accountable for their actions. See here for more.

…difficult for my heart to detach, even though my head knows I must.

This is the struggle between the logical and emotional aspects of us. We need both to function in a healthy manner, but it's hard to find balance. I was accused by my T of being overly analytical, and he was pleased when I finally demonstrated anger. Going one way or the other too much, for to long, isn't healthy. Maybe this can help:

TOOLS: Triggering, Mindfulness, and the Wise Mind