Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 11:39:12 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Experts share their discoveries [video]
99
Could it be BPD
BPDFamily.com Production
Listening to shame
Brené Brown, PhD
What is BPD?
Blasé Aguirre, MD
What BPD recovery looks like
Documentary
Pages: 1 [2]  All   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Therapist believes soon to be ex-wife exhibits BPD traits  (Read 585 times)
Polis_Ohio
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 91


« Reply #30 on: September 22, 2015, 07:43:06 AM »

Thanks ducks,

My (ex)wife clearly checks all those boxes and would also check the disassociates box if she wasn't on medication. Feelings equal fact to her, as if they cannot change when clearly they do. Everyday I wonder if she still does indeed love me.

I spoke with my therapist about codependency yesterday and he agrees that I became an enabler and it affected my marriage. That makes sense since she did want me to open up more and both of us had a fear of abandonment. I wish I could talk to her about this, but it will seem as if I am just trying to get her back. I always hope she would come out of this and want me again. I am a very firm believer that now I have identified my issues, our relationship could be different.

I am not the same person as I was when we got married, I have less confidence and feel like I was being gutted by the unusual tension we had between us at the end. There is a lot I would change about how I acted in our relationship; I didn't even realize at the time what was happening.

Of course the past 2 years were also a very difficult time in her life, going to the psych hospital and receiving treatment. That didn't help with me falling into the caretaker role.

There are thousands of "what ifs" I could ponder but currently I am thinking "what now". Is it really over forever? Probably I guess. My wife forces her feelings and my therapist believes she picks fights and becomes angry to make this easier on her, as if she still has feelings for me but is trying to bury them. Who goes from telling someone they love them and are worth fighting for and trying to leaving the next day and suddenly having no love at all.

Here I sit at work, waiting for a text. Either one about the paperwork being submitted, another fight or maybe, just maybe she is regretting this. Is it worth trying to talk to her about what I realize now? I told her a little bit a while ago but she was in her depressed state and only care occasionally. She seems... .ok now, says she is doing better. It was nice to talk to her Sunday although it was when I was sad, nice to hear her voice not be mean to me.

I cried this morning, mourning the loss of what I had, my wife, my step-son, my life. It feels unfair that we went through so much together and now she left without even trying with me and not by herself.

Logged
Polis_Ohio
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 91


« Reply #31 on: September 23, 2015, 09:00:42 AM »

Today my friend is talking to my ex. They were best friends when we were married, or at least my ex and her thought, but my ex lashed out at her and treated her poorly shortly after she left.

I hope it goes well. My friend is going to see if my ex will at least talk to me on the phone or in person; we haven't been able to without her lashing out at me. My friend says she is likely laden with guilt and projecting her anger onto me so she can justify her decision, if I am a bad person she can justify her guilt. I am not sure where she stands on me at the moment, she did not respond to my thank you text after she called me Sunday to see how I was doing when I received some jarring news.

I find that weird since she would be fairly upset if I ignored her.

I am interested in talking to her to at least seek some extra closure for myself. I do not blame her for our relationship issues and I have uncovered a major personality flaw, I am very codependent. I want to let her know that I do not blame her and I do not want bad blood between us. Obviously if she is getting better I would like to talk about trying again but at this time that is fruitless.

Maybe I need to wait a month, so I can stop obsessing over her and hitting the gym more like I want to.
Logged
Polis_Ohio
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 91


« Reply #32 on: September 23, 2015, 11:01:02 AM »

I'm obsessively staring at my phone now, awaiting a text either from my friend about their conversation or from her about our dissolution paperwork.

I hope she is more stable now, but damn I want her so bad right now. I feel like our relationship unfairly suffered and we could restart; I don't know if her feelings for me are actually gone now or not but that is what she says when she is pissed.

I just want to be well enough not to think about her a lot. Maybe because my paperwork is being submitted this week (I think). I haven't heard from her about it like she said she would tell me, which is kind of driving me crazy. If she is having second thoughts she needs tor each out! I doubt she is but there is always that sliver of hope I hold onto.

Of course if we ever do get back together we need to talk about what happened and how to manage together. That's a pipe-dream though.
Logged
Polis_Ohio
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 91


« Reply #33 on: September 24, 2015, 07:51:49 AM »

Still I have not heard from her about the dissolution. Do I bother reaching out to ask? Should I just assume she did it?
Logged
enlighten me
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3289



« Reply #34 on: September 24, 2015, 08:00:33 AM »

Hi Polis

I understand how hard it is for you. Especially waiting to hear something. The not knowing what is happening can make it feel like your going crazy.

Im waiting to hear from my ex wifes lawyer at the moment. It is frustrating but I realise theres nothing I can do but wait. All worrying about it does is make me stressed and whats the point of being stressed over something I have no control over. Don't get me wrong it took me a long time and a lot of emotional pain to get to where I am. Maybe I just got bored of being stressed and that's why I don't do it anymore.

I don't think theres anything that I can say that would make all this go away for you. What I will say is try to take your mind off of it even for a few minutes (Easier said than done I know). By distracting yourself it can help to lower your stress levels. To me it got to a point where the more I stressed the more it led me to stress if that makes sense. It kind of started to power itself.

EM
Logged

Polis_Ohio
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 91


« Reply #35 on: September 24, 2015, 08:11:24 AM »

Yes I get that, I get stressed waiting then wonder if she is going to do it or if she is having second thoughts or if she just kept the money I gave her to submit it and now doesn't have enough. Who knows.

I want to talk to her about how she thinks I blame her for everything, which I do not blame her for our relationship issues. My codependency was a major player in it but I just realized that recently. I'm not sure it matters if I tell her or not since she doesn't seem to care some days and does other.

I also found a letter from my step-son's school last spring that says he needs to see an eye dr. I don't think he has ever gone. She needs to take him before he loses my insurance. Opening communication about that might be a mistake though.
Logged
enlighten me
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3289



« Reply #36 on: September 24, 2015, 08:30:30 AM »

At this point I think you need to let her do what she has to do. Contacting her may delay things or may speed them up. You just don't know what way it will go. My ex wife dragged out the divorce for a year longer than necessary. Im sure there where things I did that added to this. In the end I couldn't change the inevitable. I wish that I had filed for divorce as I would have had more control over it. She recycled me when I mentioned I wanted a divorce then filed while I was away so I felt a bit hamstrung.
Logged

Polis_Ohio
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 91


« Reply #37 on: September 24, 2015, 08:34:31 AM »

Ah well I just shot her a text about her son needing an eye exam. I'll not pursue any more conversation from there then. She probably won't even respond.
Logged
enlighten me
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3289



« Reply #38 on: September 24, 2015, 08:59:36 AM »

Im not saying its the wrong thing to do. Your wanting her to tie up loose ends while she can and that is commendable.

If she doesn't respond or responds negatively try not to take it to heart. You've done what you see as morally correct. If she takes it the wrong way then it is out of your control. You cant help how people feel only they can.
Logged

Polis_Ohio
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 91


« Reply #39 on: September 24, 2015, 09:35:14 AM »

Yea... .I try not to take what she says to heart.

I hope, deep down, she does still love me. My therapist and friend think she is laden with guilt, treating me poorly so I treat her poorly so she can justify leaving.

I am using all my will power not to search for her on FB or text her anything else. I need to be confident in myself; I feel like I finally figured out what was the root cause of how I acted in our relationship and it's probably too late to do anything with it. As I am reminded by friends, though, I don't know what the future actually holds; I can meet someone I fall for even harder than her or she might be amiable to trying again later.
Logged
4Years5Months
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 232


« Reply #40 on: September 24, 2015, 12:00:54 PM »

... .treating me poorly so I treat her poorly so she can justify leaving.

THIS.  My ex did the same thing to me.  She would be passive aggressive, give me the silent treatment, pick fights.  I would then get fed up and get mad back at her in defense, and then she would begin to detach, say we weren't compatible, decide she was going to move to New York, and that it wouldn't work between us.
Logged
Polis_Ohio
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 91


« Reply #41 on: September 24, 2015, 03:22:48 PM »

Whelp she said we needed to fill out a completely unnecessary document for our dissolution. She said the court said we needed to.

Then she proceeded to tell me she is on break, asks me how I am doing. Tells me she is working 13 hours today, that she hates working retail, and some other details about her job.

I am not sure why she is asking me this and telling me about her day; just last Friday what she did is none of my business. Doesn't she have a guy she should be talking about this stuff to? No idea but I have to assume so because that's who she is, cannot exist without one. I hope she gets dumped consistently and realizes who she lost one day.

At least she was nice. That's all I can really hope for at this point.

Logged
babyducks
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2920



« Reply #42 on: September 24, 2015, 06:10:10 PM »

I am not sure why she is asking me this and telling me about her day; just last Friday what she did is none of my business. Doesn't she have a guy she should be talking about this stuff to?

Hi Polis,

if you feel uncomfortable with the nature/tone of the conversation, do you think it would help you to establish a boundary about how much you sharing you listen to?

'ducks
Logged

What lies behind us and what lies ahead of us are tiny matters compared to what lives within us.
Polis_Ohio
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 91


« Reply #43 on: September 25, 2015, 07:11:51 AM »

It's not that I'm uncomfortable, in fact we texted a little bit last night. She was a little playful but then suddenly stopped responding. I know she did go to work at her second job but she is allowed to text there when she has time. It was almost like when we were together but she wouldn't stop responding when we were.

I am just confused why she is doing it and also why she suddenly stops. I might not hear from her for days now, she might never reply or she might. It's so weird. I don't get it.
Logged
enlighten me
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3289



« Reply #44 on: September 25, 2015, 07:14:40 AM »

My exs do this. It could be that the fact it felt comfortable talking like you did but then she realises your no longer together so has to cut it off.
Logged

Polis_Ohio
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 91


« Reply #45 on: September 25, 2015, 07:48:20 AM »

Yes, that may be it. But if I text her today, for instance, she'll respond.

The pattern is she stops talking, then if I follow up with a joke she responds or she'll respond like the next day. However, we haven't really been talking like normal except for this past weekend. It's been weird, like all of a sudden she is not mad and we are talking almost normally, if infrequent. Maybe she is stabilizing?

Meanwhile, I have been reading about codependency and regretting how that flaw in my personality has ruined every relationship and budding relationship I have ever had. I now see that so clearly after my therapist brought up some issues linked to it and we did some hypnotherapy. I haven't been putting myself first and subconsciously refocus my energy to the person I am interested in. I have been working on identifying when I do that and internally refocusing to basically not care what people think of my opinions, to stop molding myself to what I think other people want.

I REALLY want to tell my ex this; I know it will come off as me hoping this will convince her to give us a chance but for some reason I still want to tell her. I'm not saying I blame myself for our issues, I had no idea what was happening, but I also do not blame her like she thinks I do.
Logged
enlighten me
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3289



« Reply #46 on: September 25, 2015, 07:55:19 AM »

She may seem to be stabilizing because you were a trigger. The fact that you are no longer with her 24/7 may mean that her feelings don't build up to the level they did.

It may sound odd but I realise just being there was a trigger for my ex. You don't have to do anything or anything much. I worked with a guy who sniffed all the time. At first I didn't notice it. Then once I had I couldn't stop hearing it. It got to the point where I would be grinding my teeth in frustration.

When he changed shifts I hardly saw him and therefor didn't get as wound up as before.
Logged

Polis_Ohio
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 91


« Reply #47 on: September 25, 2015, 08:01:12 AM »

Well before she was severely depressed. Our relationship during this time, after she left, was very strange. She used me as emotional support, kept saying how she missed me, wanted me then didn't, lashed out at me, apologized, wanted to see me, then didn't anymore. It was a tumultuous time and really hurt my healing but I was there because she was suicidal and really damaged.

Then she started to level and all of a sudden she doesn't love me or think we can ever work out. 2 weeks she went from wanting to see me to not loving me; that doesn't really seem realistic for a stable person but stable she is not. (As a refresher she has PTSD and is on 225 mg of antidepressant.)
Logged
Polis_Ohio
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 91


« Reply #48 on: September 25, 2015, 12:36:31 PM »

It's taking all my will power not to reach out to her again. We had such a good conversation going yesterday despite the mention of the extra paperwork.
Logged
enlighten me
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3289



« Reply #49 on: September 25, 2015, 01:57:47 PM »

It is hard not to reach out.

I don't want to sound cynical but something for you to think about is could she be trying to soften you up for the divorce?

Im not saying she is doing this but I thought I should mention it.
Logged

Polis_Ohio
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 91


« Reply #50 on: September 25, 2015, 02:00:56 PM »

I have no idea; I don't think she would play a game like that. My guess is she either doesn't have someone else to talk about these things or actually wanted to talk to me then realized she felt something still. I wouldn't be surprised if that was the case.

I really, really want to apologize for blaming her and talk about what I have learned, kind of my breakthrough. I don't know if it'll matter in the long run though.
Logged
babyducks
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2920



« Reply #51 on: September 26, 2015, 06:29:47 AM »

Hi Polis,

I understand the urge to reach out hoping to communicate with the person who you shared much of your time and thoughts with.  I can relate to wanting to share some of the things you learned with her.   When I first came here I wanted to talk about some of this with my partner.   In the end I decided not too and that worked out the best for me.

I think it worked out best for two reasons.  the first was because I was still pretty raw from some of the emotional upheaval we had gone through and I needed some time for my own feelings to settle.   and the second was because I needed to establish some personal boundaries around our relationship.  Here is the link.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

for me I needed to establish some personal emotional boundaries around being independent and not personalizing her actions.   I once was very guilty of taking her behavior very personally and that was a bad dynamic for both of us.

you might not be able to apologize for blaming her right now, in this period of time but you also don't know what the future may hold.

what do you think about the link?

'ducks
Logged

What lies behind us and what lies ahead of us are tiny matters compared to what lives within us.
Mutt
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
Posts: 10395



WWW
« Reply #52 on: September 26, 2015, 08:30:09 PM »

Staff only

The thread is locked. Thank you for participating. You are welcomed to start a new or similar topic of discussion.
Logged

"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: 1 [2]  All   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!