2.5 months no contact and yesterday he calls police to claim I threatened him

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Absolutely ridiculous.  Yesterday I get a shocking visit from a police officer saying my ex called them to report that I had threatened him by text or phone.  It's been 2.5 months of no contact other than one email exchange and hearing from his lawyer.  I've changed the locks, gone out of my way to not be where he might be, changed my route to work to not run into him etc. because I'm still afraid of him and this?  And just 2 days ago he was seen driving slowly past my house and looking in the windows.  Caught him driving by areas I was clearly stalking me several times, but I know it's not enough to make a report.  I feel like this was nothing but a manipulative attempt to make him seem more like the victim rather than being the abuser.  Grr.

[Michelle27]

Absolutely ridiculous.  Yesterday I get a shocking visit from a police officer saying my ex called them to report that I had threatened him by text or phone.  It's been 2.5 months of no contact other than one email exchange and hearing from his lawyer.  I've changed the locks, gone out of my way to not be where he might be, changed my route to work to not run into him etc. because I'm still afraid of him and this?  And just 2 days ago he was seen driving slowly past my house and looking in the windows.  Caught him driving by areas I was clearly stalking me several times, but I know it's not enough to make a report.  I feel like this was nothing but a manipulative attempt to make him seem more like the victim rather than being the abuser.  Grr.

[LonelyChild]

I feel like this was nothing but a manipulative attempt to make him seem more like the victim rather than being the abuser.  Grr.

I can see another aspect: He's full of shame and tries to come up with a way to stir up a situation that requires contact between the two of you. This might not seem logical to you, but in the mind of an infant losing his mommy, it might make sense.

[Michelle27]

I feel like this was nothing but a manipulative attempt to make him seem more like the victim rather than being the abuser.  Grr.

I can see another aspect: He's full of shame and tries to come up with a way to stir up a situation that requires contact between the two of you. This might not seem logical to you, but in the mind of an infant losing his mommy, it might make sense.

Funny you say that.  A good friend of mine told me something similar.  I have him deleted and blocked on Facebook and I posted a vague status last night about "if it wasn't so pathetic it would be laughable".  My friend said he probably has people reporting my statuses to him and that he'll see that his actions affected me.  She suggested I go back to my usual posting style... .positive and upbeat about my life because seeing he got to me is exactly what he wants.  She said from her perspective this shows he wants me back badly.   I hadn't thought that at all because to me, it just feels antagonistic and manipulative.  Something to think about... .

[Pretty Woman]

I second, Lonely Child.  It's to get a reaction (contact from you).

Stay NC. He will eventually go away.


PW

[Skip]

"if it wasn't so pathetic it would be laughable"

I'm with your friend… don't "message" on Facebook.

It's been 2.5 months of no contact other than one email exchange and hearing from his lawyer. 

What was said in the email exchange the prompted the lawyer and the police to get involved?

[enlighten me]

Did the police see the text your alleged to have sent? If so was there a number on it? Did they check your phone to see if you sent anything? Or was it just a warning?

I personally would contact the police to find out what is happening. If he has lodged a complaint then they have to follow it up. If he wasn't willing to show them it or there is no record then they have nothing to go on.

Its time to protect yourself. If you see him drive by then whip out your phone and record it if you can. If you get hang up calls then log them. You can build up evidence of him stalking you.

Did he ever threaten you in the past and if so do you have evidence?

Unfortunately in cases like this the police seem to automatically assume the person making the complaint is telling the truth. The less co operative he is with them then the less likely they are to believe him. The more you can show that is behaviour is to be questioned and that he is doing it to get a rise out of you the more they will believe you and he will be the one facing charges. I have seen a number of similar things where they make false claims and back out at the last minute.

[AsGoodAsItGets]

please be careful,  this could be a projection.  During my relationship all my ex projections occurred as a distortion of reality.  If she cheated.  Then she would accuse me of cheating.  If she was angry, she'd project and say I was angry.  He by be imagining hurting you and the only way for them to deflect is to pretend your going to hurt them.  Just please be careful.

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Michelle27, so sorry you are going through this.  I am totally empathetic and know how much it sucks.  In my experience, my ex seemed willing to try anything to get me to respond.  My T actually created a chart called Manipulation Bingo so we could categorize his tactics.  It is a nice way to highlight just how disordered his behavior is and to lighten the mood about it.  

The book The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker has been a GODSEND to me throughout the whole experience.  Not sure how I would have kept sane without it.  You might want to get it.  Several family members read it too which was also very helpful so they understood where I was coming from and didn't constantly try to sway my opinion.  

How long will it take for her to get bored and go away - as everyone suggests - no idea  

Greenmonkey, my ex has been stalking me for 10 months as well.  Thankfully, both the amount and the intensity (threats) have decreased significantly but my ex continues to be in touch.  

When it began, I read a good bit on stalking and learned the average time it lasts is 18-24 months.  Hate to think of it lasting FOURTEEN more freaking months but knowing this helps me keep from getting frustrated when he makes contact.

I will continue to NOT RESPOND in any form (when he last came over, I did nothing... .not answer the door, not talk through the door, not turn off the light, not call the police... .just literally gave him NO reaction whatsoever) but continue to log his every effort.    

We just STAY THE COURSE!  

(annoying/scary/difficult/etc. as it is, it beats the heck out of being IN the relationship )

[Herodias]

It sounds like projection to me as well... .What did the police do or say if anything? Mine threatened me with that once, but I was able to calm that notion. Hope it gets better for you!

[Michelle27]

The police closed the complaint because there was nothing there.  But it's left me unsettled.

[Invictus01]

The police closed the complaint because there was nothing there.  But it's left me unsettled.

"Normal" and "stable" doesn't work with personality disordered people too well. So, they create drama no matter how insane it might be. Stay away from him, that's the only way to avoid it.

[Michelle27]

The police closed the complaint because there was nothing there.  But it's left me unsettled.

"Normal" and "stable" doesn't work with personality disordered people too well. So, they create drama no matter how insane it might be. Stay away from him, that's the only way to avoid it.

I realize now that it's not just staying away I need to do.  He seems to want to stir up drama no matter what and ending the marriage on my part was ending the drama. 

[OnceConfused]

 1. His calling the police is more of proof of his irrationality and craziness.

2. You can easily print out a list of all the phone calls you made from your cell phone company  to prove otherwise

3. Show the cops your text.

Just play it cool and don't be afraid of him. Using FIRE to put out FIRE. If he does that calling the next time, I would , make sure the police clear the report and then ask the police to call him with a cease and desist . You also send him a registered mail in which you said simply:

I would like for you to cease and desist in falsely reporting to the police that I had threatened you. If you don't stop, I will have my lawyer to bring you to court for a defamation of characters. Please don't do it again.

carbon copy the short letter to the police.

[enlighten me]

Hi Michelle

I was wondering if there was anything that triggered your ex into doing this. You mentioned an email exchange and a lawyer. How long after this were the police called?

You also say that you have a new bf and use social media. Have you posted anything about your new relationship that may have set him off?

Is your ex blocked on fb and do you have your privacy settings on friends only?

If a pwBPD is just trying to get your attention then they wont call the police on you straight away. They will ty to call or text or post things on fb for you to see. f they call the police on you then its normally to hurt you for some perceived hurt you have caused them.

[Michelle27]

Hi Michelle

I was wondering if there was anything that triggered your ex into doing this. You mentioned an email exchange and a lawyer. How long after this were the police called?

You also say that you have a new bf and use social media. Have you posted anything about your new relationship that may have set him off?

Is your ex blocked on fb and do you have your privacy settings on friends only?

If a pwBPD is just trying to get your attention then they wont call the police on you straight away. They will ty to call or text or post things on fb for you to see. f they call the police on you then its normally to hurt you for some perceived hurt you have caused them.

Yes, I have blocked and deleted him on social media and have my settings to friends only.  Pretty sure that he has a few friends who are telling him what I post, which isn't much about the new relationship, just that I'm happy and my kids are happy.  I did talk publicly about an incident last week in which he bounced his check to his ex wife for child support for his first child plus his car insurance payment and the bank slid the difference from my account to cover it.  I was angry because I'm paying for all the bills, mortgage, car insurance, car payments, utilities etc. while he isn't paying child support for our child. I wonder if that's what triggered it because I know a few of our mutual friends could have mentioned it to him. 

The email exchange was about 1.5 months ago and was civil.  I responded to the lawyer's request for my information within the time that was requested so that's been taken care of.  And I transferred the money I had to pay for his bills from him when he got paid and moved it to my savings account so it wasn't accessible.  Until we get an order, I can't separate our 2 joint accounts and I don't want money going from mine to his and be unable to pay the bills I have to pay.

[Skip]

I did talk publicly about an incident last week in which he bounced his check to his ex wife for child support for his first child plus his car insurance payment and the bank slid the difference from my account to cover it.  I was angry because I'm paying for all the bills, mortgage, car insurance, car payments, utilities etc. while he isn't paying child support for our child. I wonder if that's what triggered it because I know a few of our mutual friends could have mentioned it to him. 

The email exchange was about 1.5 months ago and was civil.  I responded to the lawyer's request for my information within the time that was requested so that's been taken care of.  And I transferred the money I had to pay for his bills from him when he got paid and moved it to my savings account so it wasn't accessible.  Until we get an order, I can't separate our 2 joint accounts and I don't want money going from mine to his and be unable to pay the bills I have to pay.

I imagine that you are experiencing great feelings of betrayal - who wouldn't - it doesn't get much worse than this.

I would not air any of it on social media. Children, teachers, friends can all read it and an attorney can list it as part of an overall attempt at parental alienation.

How do you maintain no contact with children involved? 

[Michelle27]

My daughter has contact with him.  She has a cell phone and I've been clear with her that our differences have nothing to do with her.  She can see him whenever she wants.  He texted her a few times over the summer and set up 3 visits.  The first 2 totalled 5.5 hours and the 3rd she canceled on her own because she didn't want to go.  I had no idea she canceled until after she did it.  When I gently asked her why she canceled, that's when she told me about how sometimes she is afraid of him and during the 2 visits she had, all he had done was grill her about me.  In that conversation she also told me about the last month of our therapeutic separation (before I told him I couldn't do it anymore and we were done), in which he screamed at her and even pushed her once.  I had honestly thought her Dad's and my differences were mostly kept away from her but I realized in that conversation she was more affected than I thought so I went onto register her in a program called "Children Who Witness Abuse" that will start in a month or two.  I never mentioned it to him or anyone that would have told him and I was very low key with our daughter about it.  Since then, he has had no contact.  He has a son from his first marriage and regularly goes 3 months sometimes with no visits and little contact, so this is a pattern of his to just avoid what he doesn't want to deal with.  I absolutely think our daughter needs time with him and it kills me that he's so unwilling or possibly unable.  His son from his first marriage is now 16 and has mentioned that he only got a few texts from his Dad all summer and that he wants a relationship with me.  He's mentioned also not trusting his Dad right now and has made arrangements through his best friend's mom to get his stuff that his Dad put in storage when we separated (and never told his son). I know it's complicated and seems crazy because it is.  Based on what I know, I think he's heading for a serious crash.

[Michelle27]

Oh, and I realized after my rant on social media was wrong and I removed it and won't do it again. 

[enlighten me]

Hi Michelle

By the sounds of it he isn't doing well. Something is triggering him into his actions. What it is I couldn't say. You seem to have covered all the bases with regards to NC. It doesn't sound like the children have contacted him.

The strange thing about this type of behaviour is sometimes you don't have to have done anything to be blamed for something. My exgf would start an argument with me that had me completely baffled. I now realise that a lot of the time I hadn't done anything wrong she was redirecting her anger at me. For example if a friend said something she didn't like it would come out that I had forgotten to pick something up that she had allegedly asked me to get. She had to let it out somewhere but couldn't at the friend as she would show herself up in front of other friends.

[Michelle27]

Hi Michelle

By the sounds of it he isn't doing well. Something is triggering him into his actions. What it is I couldn't say. You seem to have covered all the bases with regards to NC. It doesn't sound like the children have contacted him.

The strange thing about this type of behaviour is sometimes you don't have to have done anything to be blamed for something. My exgf would start an argument with me that had me completely baffled. I now realise that a lot of the time I hadn't done anything wrong she was redirecting her anger at me. For example if a friend said something she didn't like it would come out that I had forgotten to pick something up that she had allegedly asked me to get. She had to let it out somewhere but couldn't at the friend as she would show herself up in front of other friends.

Yes, I think you are right.  My ex told me when he had a few times of what appeared to be clarity the past year that his rages sometimes were a result of him being so overwhelmed with emotion he didn't know what to do with that he would create something to be mad about.  I will never forget that discussion because he went onto tell me that after a rage, he felt relief.  What a contrast to what I felt... .fear, confusion, anxiety, etc. as a result of all of the rotten things that were said.  I think that was the beginning of the end for me... .realizing that the one thing that made me feel unsafe in my home all the time (and he claimed he understood), was what gave him relief from his pain.  I had assumed that he felt as bad as I did afterwards and it was hard to hear that he felt better, even though I understand it from the perspective of the illness.

I also think he's being triggered from a variety of fronts.  His job has seriously been downgraded to the point he now makes barely above minimum wage.  I know he has a new gf who has described their relationship within the first couple weeks as being "so in love with each other".  He's also got a gf at work he is giving and getting a lot of attention from.  AND he's lost a bunch of the friends we shared because they don't want anything to do with him.  I'm sure he's feeling massive shame too from lack of involvement with both of his kids.  I'm also sure it's eating him that he moved out of the home we own together (I'm buying him out when things get settled in court either by him not paying child support for the time it takes to cover the buyout or me getting a loan).  I'm sure it's killing him that I'm here with the kids and by all accounts (I know he's asking people) I'm very happy.  He's also quit all of the programs he was involved with (CBT etc.) so that support is gone.  All of this makes me think he is headed for a serious crash.