"I know what you're thinking"

[Jessica84]

"I know what you're thinking" --- and you can bet, it's not good!

How do you overcome this statement?

He does NOT know what I'm thinking. Half the time I doubt he knows what HE's thinking!

Another one is "don't be mad". So he also knows what I'm feeling? And the irony there is 99% of the time when he says it, I am not even mad. And the 1% I am, well, I am allowed to be mad.

I finally stopped saying "I'm not mad". He doesn't believe it anyway. If he's convinced I'm mad or thinking bad thoughts about him, then I might as well be a fire-breathing dragon! Best solution I've found is to be the exact opposite of a dragon - calm, speaking in a soft slow voice, and gently changing the subject to show him (not tell him) I'm not mad. I try to be super self-aware and give him ZERO hints of anger in hopes he sees it and moves on. Doesn't always work though. He acts according to his perception. If I'm mad in his mind, he gets madder and then defensive. For no reason. Such a waste of good energy!

The other day I got "You think I'm a fat, lazy POS". What the---? Then he got mad at me for thinking that! (which I didn't). The man works 6 days a week and looks great to me! Far from a fat, lazy POS. I never said it, felt it, or thought it. I found out later it's because he took the day off and ate a big meal that night.

I see the projection and self-loathing, but I want him to stop telling me how I think/feel. Is this possible? I tried Formflier's "help me understand how you know what I think/feel" approach... .but he says "because I know you."   

I hate when he assumes I am thinking or feeling something negative toward him when I'm not. What can I say through the BPD filter to get him to stop? Or at least stop telling me how I feel or what I'm thinking?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Lifewriter16]

Hi Jessica,

This is so familiar - right down to the 'because I know you' and of course, he's getting it wrong all the time. It's so frustrating, isn't it?

Lifewriter x

[ColdEthyl]

Dittoo

[JohnLove]

I have been having a lot of difficulty of late with this. I have asked my partner not to do this. Reminded her when she is doing it. I have tried to tell her what it is I am thinking and feeling... .but she has made up her mind.

Oops, I tried to talk about my feelings with a pwBPD.

The REALLY absurd part is she will then tell me what I think and how I feel. Just unbelieveable... .unless you've experienced it first hand.

Right at this moment we have been LC for 4 days because now she not only refuses to discuss my feelings but won't even give me the time of day to hear them. PwBPD sure have a "funny" version of love.

I am also looking for answers to this ongoing dilemma. 

[Daniell85]

Your answer is its not going to happen, and you will need to get your support and validation elsewhere. Expand your support system :/

[Cat Familiar]

I have a boundary about this. I tell him, "You are not allowed to tell me what I'm thinking or feeling, as I'm not allowed to tell you the same."

He will look irritated when I catch him at it. He may still think he knows, but he knows now that I'm not going to tolerate him telling me how I think or how I feel.

The ironic thing is that sometimes he will catch me telling him how he feels or thinks. Oops... .

[formflier]

 

Anyone ready for another fade to a formflier movie moment from my past?

Most of my stories from my past involve how I screwed up by not knowing about BPDish type stuff... .

This is one where I got it right... .because I kept my mouth shut... .

being the fade... .   

So... we are several years back... .sitting on our front porch... .it was a great day to be on farm in the country.  I have no idea what the issue was... .but my wife starts chewing my a$$.  Whatever it was... .was so preposterous... .I couldn't speak... .and luckily I didn't laugh.

Most of it centered around thoughts that she knew I was having about the subject... .

In the space of about 5 or 10 minutes... .

She explained to me what I was thinking and how I was wrong... against her... .all that.

Then she explained to me how she was virtuous... .would take the high road regardless of the vile stuff in my head... .

Then she acknowledged that I was thinking about asking for forgiveness for my sins... .

Then she forgave me... .she relaxed... .got happy... .and went about her day.

I swear... .not a word or sound passed through my lips... .

A couple weeks later in MC was complaining about her reading my mind... and tried to relate the story... .which she denied.  Somehow again... I got smart and dropped it.

Almost comical... .

OK... .you can bring up the lights... .and fade back to the present.



FF

[Jessica84]

I've tried boundaries... .few days ago he told me what to SAY - like I bark on command. Sit, Good girl.

He said "Say something supportive." Please. Everything I say is supportive. But this time, he wanted me to support him training for an extreme sport. I cannot do that. He said if I didn't, our relationship would not survive. Classic. Threaten to end the r/s because I disagree with his decision.

I told him I'm not worried about the r/s. I'm worried about HIM surviving!  Added... .I'm sorry you cannot understand how someone who cares about you would find it hard to support something so dangerous. That stumped him. But then he went on and on about how he would be well-trained and prepared.

Is there a way to support him without supporting this? It's like he wants me to be his cheerleader. I'm not telling him he can't do it, I just can't be giddy about it.

[formflier]

 

Boy... .threats... .I hatem.

I took a stand against them a long time ago.

Would say... ."I don't do threats... ."  and I walk away.  No more discussion about the topic... .or issue.

My best one ever... .was in church of all places... wife wispers to me... (in an evil tone)  "Kiss me now or our marriage is over"

She was wanting to put on a show for a lady she thought was "after" me...

I told her I don't do threats... .and walked out of church... .while preacher was going on about something...

Anyway... .I would just flat out tell him... I support you.  If he asks if you support him doing xyz... .you can say no.

Let him sort out the differences.

Don't apologize or worry about your opinions... they are yours.

FF

[Grey Kitty]

I have a boundary about this. I tell him, "You are not allowed to tell me what I'm thinking or feeling

I used to get really pissed about being told what I was thinking or feeling, and that is where I ended up too. I won't participate in a conversation where I'm being told what is going on inside my head.

He said "Say something supportive." Please. Everything I say is supportive. But this time, he wanted me to support him training for an extreme sport. I cannot do that. He said if I didn't, our relationship would not survive. Classic. Threaten to end the r/s because I disagree with his decision.

There was a time my wife told me she was going to have sex with another guy. And when I wasn't "supportive" of it, got mad at me for not supporting her. [This is only 98% ridiculous instead of 100% ridiculous because we had opened our marriage previously... .but I had *NEVER* agreed that she could have sex with anybody she wanted to before... .]

Is there a way to support him without supporting this? It's like he wants me to be his cheerleader. I'm not telling him he can't do it, I just can't be giddy about it.

You cannot provide the "support" he wants in this. He wants you to feel as excited about his choice as he does.

Your best is telling him you will not try to stop him or convince him not to do it, but it makes you feel afraid, and you won't pretend to be excited about it when you aren't. Suggest that he will find other people who are excited about [extreme sport] and would probably enjoy talking to them about his plans more than talking to you about them.

And don't expect him to handle that particularly well. Sigh.

[Jessica84]

So telling him 'fine, go fall off a mountain'... .was wrong?



I seriously said this.

But I recovered. Somehow.    I'll try to do better in the future. Had he been in a bad mood instead of a happy-excited-little-boy mood things could've gone very differently.

GK - he forced his staff to watch a mountain climbing video with him today. So there's his support. Even if he has to pay people to support him! Sorry, I don't mean to sound so awful... .but it seems so dumb to risk your life on purpose... .and expect people to "support" it.

[Jessica84]

Anyway... .I would just flat out tell him... I support you.  If he asks if you support him doing xyz... .you can say no.

Let him sort out the differences.

Don't apologize or worry about your opinions... they are yours.

FF

I like this: I support you. "But-but-but-do you support me in this?"... .no. "Well that will destroy our relationship"... .ok.

I need to keep my answers more simple, and offer no explanations. I think this could work

[formflier]

 

I would stay way from saying "OK"

Especially when someone is talking about "destroying a r/s"

"That is your choice... "

"That will be up to you... "

perhaps add "I value our r/s... ." after saying one of the above...

The key is to stay neutral... don't beg... .don't go over the top with "love yous... ."

State it and move along.

One thing you are trying to accomplish is to "shift things where they belong... "  very quickly (by using the statements) you have placed responsibility on him and let him know you don't want to end... .his choice.

FF

[unicorn2014]

You are fortunate you don't get mad when he treats you like that. I would fly off the handle. You sound like a calm and peaceful person and you sound like you really love your pwBPD. I think not reacting is key, just keep doing what you're doing and if your pwBPD doesn't get a reaction from you maybe they'll stop trying to push your buttons. How long has this behavior been going on ?

[Jessica84]

Thanks Unicorn (love the name!) Truth is I wasn't always so calm. I went into rages equally as intense as his. I'm not proud of it, but he pushed my buttons like no one I've ever known. Then I discovered BPD, accidentally. I found a book called "Stop Walking on Eggshells" because that's what I felt like I was doing all the time. I clearly missed the subtitle about BPD. But glad I did or might have passed on it! The book led me to this site, this site to tools and resources... .and even though I screwed them all up, eventually they started to work!

[Jessica84]

Thought I'd share this little incident----- good example of how the tools can really come in handy!

Went to lunch with him today. He spent the whole time on his phone, typing away. Barely any conversation. After sitting there being ignored the whole meal, I got a little annoyed. I stayed calm but made a comment about it.

His reaction? He smashed his fist to the table... .several times... .telling me he's "doing his best"... .then... .he started to cry. Right there at the table. He repeated all his problems, wiping his eyes, choking on his tears, trying to keep his voice down. Poor guy was beyond overwhelmed.

My reaction? I reached across the table to hold his hand and said "I'm sorry you're dealing with so much". Then I smiled and said "how about I buy your lunch today?" He melted. He laughed. He apologized profusely. We got in the car and he kept apologizing for having a public outburst and went on and on about how he was under so much stress and overwhelmed. He even acknowledged he was ignoring me at the table, just wasn't aware of it.

A year ago I am CERTAIN this would've gone down VERY differently. I would've gotten angry because the punishment didn't fit the crime. HE was ignoring ME - how dare HE get so upset? I'd have given my "respect" lesson, lecturing him on rudeness and table manners. He would've gotten angrier, probably resorted to name-calling and painted me black (instead of crying and sharing his real feelings). I would've raised my voice or stormed off. IF we didn't break up over it, we'd probably go days or weeks ticked off at each other and not speaking. I'd be baffled at what just happened and questioning my own sanity!

But by staying calm and less reactive, his real emotions surfaced, and he was forced to cope with them. I did my part to validate him, he did his part not to attack me back. I see him finding healthier ways of coping all the time, and his dysregulations don't last very long at all anymore. The tools work. Compassion helps.

[unicorn2014]

Jessica, thanks for the compliment.  It sounds like you're doing really well in your relationship. I'm too pissed at my fiancé right now to talk to him. I'm tired of pretending like everything is ok. I'm tired of waiting until Friday to talk about the issue at hand but I supposed that's better then fighting about it. I hope by Friday I'll be so level headed I won't care about the outcome anymore. It sounds like you have a healthy r/s with your guy. My guy is far away, in another state, which I'm sure compounds the problems. I never would've chosen a LDR if I knew it would come to this. Have you read the high conflict couple?

[ColdEthyl]

Thought I'd share this little incident----- good example of how the tools can really come in handy!

Went to lunch with him today. He spent the whole time on his phone, typing away. Barely any conversation. After sitting there being ignored the whole meal, I got a little annoyed. I stayed calm but made a comment about it.

His reaction? He smashed his fist to the table... .several times... .telling me he's "doing his best"... .then... .he started to cry. Right there at the table. He repeated all his problems, wiping his eyes, choking on his tears, trying to keep his voice down. Poor guy was beyond overwhelmed.

My reaction? I reached across the table to hold his hand and said "I'm sorry you're dealing with so much". Then I smiled and said "how about I buy your lunch today?" He melted. He laughed. He apologized profusely. We got in the car and he kept apologizing for having a public outburst and went on and on about how he was under so much stress and overwhelmed. He even acknowledged he was ignoring me at the table, just wasn't aware of it.

A year ago I am CERTAIN this would've gone down VERY differently. I would've gotten angry because the punishment didn't fit the crime. HE was ignoring ME - how dare HE get so upset? I'd have given my "respect" lesson, lecturing him on rudeness and table manners. He would've gotten angrier, probably resorted to name-calling and painted me black (instead of crying and sharing his real feelings). I would've raised my voice or stormed off. IF we didn't break up over it, we'd probably go days or weeks ticked off at each other and not speaking. I'd be baffled at what just happened and questioning my own sanity!

But by staying calm and less reactive, his real emotions surfaced, and he was forced to cope with them. I did my part to validate him, he did his part not to attack me back. I see him finding healthier ways of coping all the time, and his dysregulations don't last very long at all anymore. The tools work. Compassion helps.

Jessica that's very good! I am trying to get better at that too. It's so hard not to just react sometimes. The last thing we had he was talking about when we were dating and he was seeing me and his ex and was really torn at the time between two people. He started out with "You don't understand how hard it was for me. You thought it was so easy... ." and I stopped him right there. I said please stop telling me how I feel. It's "not fair and not right" when I do it, so please don't do it to me.

It didn't go well. I stuck on point and he kept throwing all of this other junk into the air, trying to avoid what I said. After painting me black, threatening to leave, and him actually hiding my car keys so sabotage me going to work... .it finally hit me that I shouldn't have cut him off.

It's absolutely the worst part of our relationship by far. I have certain triggers I am working on... .but I seriously... .SERIOUSLY hate someone questioning my honor or telling me what I think/feel. If you want to know... .ask me. Don't assume. I am a very honest person, so being called a lair grinds my gears.

He knows it. I need to get that power back from him.

After this fight, when finally he made the point that all he wants to do is finish his thought even if I hate it (he's said this before, along with "I was BEGGING to finish my sentence!" Which he doesn't. At all.) that's when I knew I was wrong again. No matter how many times we do this dance... .I keep falling into the same stupid trap. I'm more frustrated with myself at this point that I keep doing this.