More curious than excited - contact after ~5 years

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi,

I`ve had a highly toxic uBPD gf. She fitted into my needs, past life and personal flaws so perfectly that "she" took/destroyed 5-10 years of my life (my twenties).

I decided to go NC really, really late (like 5 years ago). In fact, it was too late for anything, but I somehow couldn't let it go earlier. I think I can thank this forum for this past decision, "unsupported" I would struggle probably a bit longer.

Anyway, today she means nothing special for me. I have forgiven, but I didn`t forget... .I remember most of the harshest stuff, the good things have no meaning for me today, I rather think how sick and meaningless it was.

Today I have nothing special against her, I know she couldnt do it much better. I heard few stories how she did afterwards, well... .

The thing is, she contacted me two weeks ago and she would like to talk, have a coffee/beer. I am not sure what to do. I sadly think she`s ill and dumb and only a shade of person she was. I don`t want to hurt her, because everyone knows she lost. I think I had some special meaning for her, so it maybe hurts her more that I dont talk to her anymore.

So the question is: is it too risky to meet her, just for being a gentleman, letting the things to smooth out a bit after years?

I dont even know what I mean with risky: there is NO WAY I would reengage (in the relationship) with her.

(sorry for my maybe weird english)

[Hidden Dragon]

Hi,

I`ve had a highly toxic uBPD gf. She fitted into my needs, past life and personal flaws so perfectly that "she" took/destroyed 5-10 years of my life (my twenties).

I decided to go NC really, really late (like 5 years ago). In fact, it was too late for anything, but I somehow couldn't let it go earlier. I think I can thank this forum for this past decision, "unsupported" I would struggle probably a bit longer.

Anyway, today she means nothing special for me. I have forgiven, but I didn`t forget... .I remember most of the harshest stuff, the good things have no meaning for me today, I rather think how sick and meaningless it was.

Today I have nothing special against her, I know she couldnt do it much better. I heard few stories how she did afterwards, well... .

The thing is, she contacted me two weeks ago and she would like to talk, have a coffee/beer. I am not sure what to do. I sadly think she`s ill and dumb and only a shade of person she was. I don`t want to hurt her, because everyone knows she lost. I think I had some special meaning for her, so it maybe hurts her more that I dont talk to her anymore.

So the question is: is it too risky to meet her, just for being a gentleman, letting the things to smooth out a bit after years?

I dont even know what I mean with risky: there is NO WAY I would reengage (in the relationship) with her.

(sorry for my maybe weird english)

[Invictus01]

Honestly, I'd meet up with her. If there are no more romantic feelings on your end and you don't care about her in that way, there is no harm.

[stacma04]

Hell to the no, I don't care how much time has past. I would not get caught up in the toxicity of her again. All this time has past why even bother?

[Lifewriter16]

It seems to me that if she is seeking to re-connect with you in relationship terms, meeting her could be leading her on and setting her up for rejection. I don't think you'd save her feelings by meeting her. However, that's just my slant on this. Lifewriter x

[blissful_camper]

Why spend time with someone who didn't treat you well?  Why are you feeling drawn to that again? 

[Meadowslark]

Hell to the no, I don't care how much time has past. I would not get caught up in the toxicity of her again. All this time has past why even bother?

This! This 5ever!

[talithacumi]

Like Blissful Camper, I think the far more interesting/pressing question is why even consider agreeing to meet up/talk with this woman again? You have no interest in her. You don't seem to really like, or even respect her all that much anymore. You have no good memories of her. So what's the point? What would you be getting out of seeing/talking to her again?

My suggestion is to dig really deep - lean really hard into whatever desire/curiosity you're feeling - to see where it's really coming from ... .be brutally honest with yourself ... .and ask yourself if satisfying either one of things would truly benefit you in any way, or if it's probably going to be something you're just going to end up regretting/feeling ashamed of yourself for indulging.

[Pretty Woman]

There are no limitations on re-engagement. This post truly is an example of that.

I have to second the posters that state, why would you want to meet with her given the h e l l she put you through? I know time has past but any re-engagement is sucking you into something. She NEEDS someone to talk to. Remember those days? It's not a reciprocal relationship and it wouldn't be a reciprocal friendship.

My ex parted wanting us to be BFF's. Ok. A BFF would not do all the awful things she did to me. If they were shyty lovers what makes anyone think they'd be exemplary friends?

Just something to think about. Sorry if it seems we are all being harsh. I know you are years removed from this. I will tell you from experience... .some of my exes exes are friends with her... .when I say friends... .she only calls them when she is going through a break up or low on supply.

That is not a friend.

Take care of yourself... .you've come a long way. Some things are better left in the past... .

PW

[myself]

I remember most of the harshest stuff, the good things have no meaning for me today, I rather think how sick and meaningless it was.

I think I had some special meaning for her, so it maybe hurts her more that I dont talk to her anymore.

Maybe she will see how her actions have helped keep you out of her life. If you don't meet her, that is. If you do go, are you going to be honest and yourself with her or just 'be there for her' and keep things on the surface?

One conversation most likely isn't going to clear this up between you, so, if she asks for more (or you need more) will there be others? How far would you go? Or is it more of a personal test to see if you can even do it once?

FOG = Fear Obligation Guilt. Which play into how you're feeling about this?

[JRT]

I think that there might be a tendency to over analyze this or use it as an occasion to reflect upon yourself and your 'motives'. Satisfy your curiosity! Its not as if meeting with this person just one time is going to harm you. Yes, you broke up and there were some hard feelings (it might be an occasion to have them assuage you or apologize), but you certainly shared some good times that you can recount. You MIGHT end up with a friend out of it.

Its a little thing but many years from now, it might be just another of those things that you ask yourself 'what if... .'?

[Hidden Dragon]

Thank you all for multiple answers.

It is true, that such meeting will drain me somehow. But having this one person as official persona non grata is not helping me too... .

It might be that she is seeking me "in relationship terms", but I dont think so; she is crazy, but she probably understood that it is too late AND she may be afraid of trying it, since she failed at it last time and didnt show up for this few years.

Not ansered texts, hanged up calls, not opened door, etc. If she would try again, then no such big problem for me. I would NC once more, without much thinking about it.

The reason I forgot to write about - and you ask for - is the human part of her. The maybe 20% of her, which sometimes switches on, when she is "normal". I used to think, that she was more often normal, when with me, than with others; more "stabilized".

I think that when she is in this "normal human" state, then she knows that what she basically does is her life, is a desaster for her and the people around her. I think it must be very devastating, which she fogs with drama, lies, drugs, guys, speeding etc.

I know that it is FOG_gish, but is it so bad?

So the idea would be just to show up, to give a sign that she is not the biggest enemy. Just to calm it a bit down. I dont think we will be friends, bc she lies or tells half truth all the time, but it is her sickness - she really belives in all that ___ when she tells it. I don`t really want to have such friend, but I don`t want to have an enemy too.

I still feel ambivalent.

[BorisAcusio]

Honestly, I'd meet up with her. If there are no more romantic feelings on your end and you don't care about her in that way, there is no harm.

Famous last words.

[Reforming]

Hi Hidden,

It's a very personal choice that nobody can make but you.

There's nothing wrong with meeting up with her again, but I do think that it's worth exploring your reasons for doing.

I think most of us acknowledge the good parts of our exes, the 20% you mention, but what about the other 80%? You can't separate the light and the dark

BPD is very sad both for those who suffer from it, and for those who love them.

Does her sporadic awareness of her condition change anything? Do you think reconnecting will help her or you?

Do you think you can help her?

Nobody can answer these questions for you, but I think they're worth asking.

Whatever you chose we're here for you

Reforming

[joeramabeme]

Hidden, I am in the minority here, I say meet with her.  Yes she has a disorder, you always need to be aware of that.  But she is also a person with real feelings just like anyone else. 

If it were me, I would do it and I think part of my motivation would be to hear her recollection of it all 5 years post b/u.  Who knows, you may find some healing that you did not know awaited.

Good luck either way.  keep us posted.

J

[AsGoodAsItGets]

What ever you decide we are here for you.  Our idea of meeting or not is teally up to ypu.  We hope the best for you.  Know we will be here no mattet what happens.  Good luck

[Sunfl0wer]

I don`t really want to have such friend, but I don`t want to have an enemy too.

I find your reason more interesting than the actual decision.

Has she been an enemy all this time?

What leads you to feel she would become an enemy if you don't meet her?

[Fr4nz]

Honestly, I'd meet up with her. If there are no more romantic feelings on your end and you don't care about her in that way, there is no harm.

I agree. NC serves for healing: you healed, so no need to enforce it further.

Observe how she behaves during the meeting and then decide if it's worth to keep meeting her or it's better to stick to NC again.

[Panda39]

I just had someone in my past reach out to me too.  (not BPD but someone important that hurt me deeply in the past)

I felt conflicted too.  I was curious about him and why he would call me after our last contact 5 years ago but I'm with someone else and have moved on. After talking about it with those closest to me my SO and my son both who discouraged me (for their own reasons and to protect me) I decided not to respond, the relationship I had with this person was in the past and he no longer fits in my life today.

I say keep looking forward and don't look back.

Panda39

[Hidden Dragon]

I have logged in, to say Thank You for all your comments.

I decided to give myself more time, week or month means now nothing. If more is needed, then more.

I hope the "out of sight, of out mind" rule will work for me/both of us.

I'll think about this in the future, when I`ll have clearer head - my personal situation just got too complicated, to bring a BPD character on the stage, I need my attention for other important things/people... .

Thank you once more!

[Mr.Downtrodden]

Don't be a doormat.

What's done, is done.

[elessar]

I would listen to others too, although I have not followed up the advice. My ex also reconnected 5 years ago this week, after a 4.5 year break. It has been a miserable experience since then, maybe except the 20% of the time when it has been amazing. I had promised myself it will be on my own terms this time. But I lost that battle. She nearly got married this year and reengaged with me after it got called off. I had sworn last summer I won't reply to her. Yet I did, and regret it.

This is a very personal situation for you, and I hope you are strong to walk away if it becomes bad. But I have learned a person with a personality disorder somehow knows how to pull us in. Just be careful, and good luck. There is no cure for curiosity after all... .

[BorisAcusio]

But I have learned a person with a personality disorder somehow knows how to pull us in.

Many confuse healing with transcending to a higher level of being. No wonder that the christian prayer includes “lead us not into temptation,” because willpower can be weakened, and when we put ourselves in situations in which we will be subject to temptations over time we likely give into that temptation.

Those FOO that issues made us vulnerable to these kinds of relationship are still lurking deep inside our psyche. As AA puts it, thinking that you can handle just one drink is more than dancing with temptation. It's a recipe for relapse.

[antelope]

-another question you should ask yourself is: what is going on in your life right now that makes this sound appealing?

talking or seeing her at some point these last five years has been a possibility, you simply never entertained it... .you held strong to NC, and made huge strides in personal growth... .

have you stumbled in some way recently with growth (psychologically, emotionally, physically, romantically, financially etc)?  do you feel like you could use someone to talk to, and the nostalgia of familiarity with her entices contact? 

-also, understand that while your motives are genuine and understood, hers, as usual with BPD, are largely unknown to you... .she's dealing with some form of crisis, likely has many burned bridges at the moment, and she is going back to old flames for support... .

[Hidden Dragon]

As always, you added brilliant posts - really.

Antelope, your point of view is particulary interesting.

I had minor problems in my life, it was just coincidence, that she contacted me. She never did, I never did, so the 5 years passed.

I was considering this meeting bc I felt strong, but it may be, that deep inside I was getting weak.

Few days ago my probs grew big , so that I dont plan to contact exBPD any soon. I suppose she wouldn´t even understand, and I need now only sincere actions to move through current situation. Now I only need _real_ friends.

[hurting300]

I would meet her. I don't think it could do any harm too hear her out. Wow 5 years? Of no contact? Geez... I wish you luck friend.

[Reforming]

I separated from my ex just over three years ago and I saw for the first time in two years last december.

It was painful, but ultimately it was worthwhile because it helped me to detach by giving me the opportunity to see her for who she was and not for for who I wanted her to be.

This may not work for everyone, but I think detaching is a process and it's different for all of us.

We talk a lot about BPDs tendency to recycle, but many Nons reach out and try to reconnect.

There is compelling dynamic about these relations that can be very addictive because the traits and vulnerabilities of both partners draw them to each other

This doesn't magically change with time. It takes honest self examination and a lot of work.

There is no right answer - I would take your time and think it over

Reforming

[outside9x]

HI Hidden Dragon,

I would listen to the person who had the reunion after 4.5 years.  I would also caution that, in a way, it is us too.  We are addicted in ways to this kinda of sickness.  Like someone said, it's like an alcoholic saying after being clean for 5 years, one drink won't hurt, I know better, and I am stronger.  Perhaps you are.   Why chance this?  It's not a test of wills, or showing strength.  She will come to you like a sad lamb, so possibly you can't resist, you know the lions claws will shred you in the end. 

I hope you make the right choice.  I know, even after a year and a half, those little texts here and there tug on me, and I have to remember that I really value myself.  Nothing will really change. It opens wounds, small ones but they heal again in days, to reunite would be a gapping one that might take years, and for me, I don't have that kinda of time!

[Hidden Dragon]

You guy`s were so right.

Yes, I was empty because of ended RS.

Yes, I was curious and wanted to check if she is a better person, if I am stronger.

Yes, I may be addicted to her.

And... .I gave in. And I thought I still loved the other girl, this was a bit shocking, I was "cured" within a day.

I decided to write, because I wanted that you know, gain some input here on the L3 forums... .  even if it`s a point, where it stops to belong here. Or possibly is disappointing for some of you.

It`s became a distance RS within few days. I know myself much better, I have read this forums for years, so I`m trying to relax or I even am relaxing, letting the things flow and observing. Currently I am much happier than when alone or with the other gf.

Because we are here on the L3, you can read it as a statement, not material for discussion.

[Fr4nz]

You guy`s were so right.

Yes, I was empty because of ended RS.

Yes, I was curious and wanted to check if she is a better person, if I am stronger.

Yes, I may be addicted to her.

And... .I gave in. And I thought I still loved the other girl, this was a bit shocking, I was "cured" within a day.

I decided to write, because I wanted that you know, gain some input here on the L3 forums... .  even if it`s a point, where it stops to belong here. Or possibly is disappointing for some of you.

It`s became a distance RS within few days. I know myself much better, I have read this forums for years, so I`m trying to relax or I even am relaxing, letting the things flow and observing. Currently I am much happier than when alone or with the other gf.

Because we are here on the L3, you can read it as a statement, not material for discussion.

Did she enter therapy in the past years? Do you think she improved during these years, in general?

Anyhow, I can understand that they're addictive... .however, be careful, because if nothing changed, then you're doomed to fail once more time.

[BorisAcusio]

Many times reconciling the failed relationship can actually spur positive emotional growth. I would consider this as a unique opportunity to learn about yourself and uncover what are driving forces behind your attraction towards her, those FOO issues have been repetitious compulsions since much of early life, the feelings that you haven't addressed after the breakup and "buried straight into workaholism" as way of coping.