The lesson for today is ... neediness

[Lifewriter16]

Those were the words I heard in my dream last night... .

Neediness, I hate neediness. I particularly don't like it in men because I have spent my life looking for someone who will look after me for a change. I am sick of looking after other people and making do on a diet of virtually no emotional contact at all. My BPDxbf was so needy. I find it hard to respect a man who is needy. I don't like being pursued. I need very gentle handling otherwise, I turn tail and run.

I hate neediness in myself. I hate the way I sit at this website hoping for a post on one of my threads. I hate the way I sit here waiting for an email from my BPDxbf especially because they are usually hurtful when they do arrive, but I wait and I need regardless and I hate myself for being so puny. I wish I could cut out that neediness and throw it away. However, I realise that it would serve me better to integrate it.

I hate being so dependent upon others for my happiness. I can not abide other people knowing that I am needy. I feel vulnerable and that's a horrible feeling. I put on a face around other people so they can't see my neediness but my BPDxbf saw it. Indeed, I think he fostered it with his contradictory behaviour. I went to him time and time again, hoping for kindness. I think he's had me on intermittent reinforcement, let alone the other way round. He began by giving me lots of love and attention, listening to me and telling me how wonderful I was -  until I was hooked, and then he gradually began removing it and replacing it with a focus upon him, him, him. I became invisible and unimportant. Yet, I kept on waiting for that emotional crumb to be thrown from the table. My question is this: who's played whom?

Was I allowed to be needy as a child? Was it safe to need? I remember being distressed on three occasions:

Occasion 1 - My brother was approximately 5 days old, I have been told that I said: "You're not going to keep him, are you?" but I doubt that because I was only 18 months old. What I think I felt was the horror of realising that my brother had taken everything that used to be mine and I was now on my own. What made it worse, was that my parents laughed at me even though I was distraught. And my dad took photographs of me as I sobbed inconsolably instead of thinking to comfort me. There's one photo of me completely distressed and one of me sitting next to my mother with red eyes having just about stopped sobbing. The point is, I was sitting next to her but she wasn't cuddling or comforting me and neither was my father. He was too busy recording my distress for posterity than responding to it. Perhaps that's why I couldn't bear being with my husband. Our couple time consisted of sitting together on the sofa watching telly. No kissing or cuddling, no talking, just sitting. I can't bear doing that, I need touch.

Occasion 2 - I was crying in the car because I was sad to leave my grandparents. We had spent our annual holiday with them at their house. I loved my grandparents, they were nice to me. Anyway, in this scenario, I hid my tears from everyone else by pretending to be asleep. Sharing my sadness and seeking support just wasn't a possibility, I didn't even think about that.

Occasion 3 - I was 13 when my grandad died, my gran had died the year before. I remember throwing myself on the bed in distress and a lonely sob emerged, but I was so overwhelmed that instead of allowing myself to cry, I tucked my grief and sadness away in a box and didn't open the lid again until I was in my mid 20s.

So what am I saying about neediness? Perhaps that I learnt to hide my vulnerability from others and then I learnt to hide it from myself. I feel great compassion for others in pain but can not feel my own pain. I can see that I am probably projecting my pain onto them. I need to find my pain in myself and respond to that instead.

Thanks for reading,

Love Lifewriter

[eeks]

Those were the words I heard in my dream last night... .

Neediness, I hate neediness. I particularly don't like it in men because I have spent my life looking for someone who will look after me for a change. I am sick of looking after other people and making do on a diet of virtually no emotional contact at all. My BPDxbf was so needy. I find it hard to respect a man who is needy. I don't like being pursued. I need very gentle handling otherwise, I turn tail and run.

I hate neediness in myself. I hate the way I sit at this website hoping for a post on one of my threads. I hate the way I sit here waiting for an email from my BPDxbf especially because they are usually hurtful when they do arrive, but I wait and I need regardless and I hate myself for being so puny. I wish I could cut out that neediness and throw it away. However, I realise that it would serve me better to integrate it.

I hate being so dependent upon others for my happiness. I can not abide other people knowing that I am needy. I feel vulnerable and that's a horrible feeling. I put on a face around other people so they can't see my neediness but my BPDxbf saw it. Indeed, I think he fostered it with his contradictory behaviour. I went to him time and time again, hoping for kindness. I think he's had me on intermittent reinforcement, let alone the other way round. He began by giving me lots of love and attention, listening to me and telling me how wonderful I was -  until I was hooked, and then he gradually began removing it and replacing it with a focus upon him, him, him. I became invisible and unimportant. Yet, I kept on waiting for that emotional crumb to be thrown from the table. My question is this: who's played whom?

I like responding to your posts! You are very precise in your self-awareness, and thorough.  I see you pinpointing exactly what happened, what the other person said/did, what you felt.  That's important, and will serve you well on your healing journey.

And... .humans are needy, period!  Needy needy needy... .neeeeeeedy (ok I'll stop now)

Check out this link about attachment theory:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=279028.0

John Bowlby claimed that attachment is an integral part of human behavior throughout the entire lifespan. He understood that our need for someone to share our lives with is part of our genetic makeup and has nothing to do with how much we love ourselves or how fulfilled we feel on our own. He discovered that once we choose someone special, powerful and often uncontrollable forces come into play. New patterns of behavior kick in regardless of how independent we are and despite our conscious wills. Once we choose a partner, there is no question about whether dependency exists or not. It always does. An elegant coexistence that does not include uncomfortable feelings of vulnerability and fear of loss sounds good but is not our biology. What proved through evolution to have a strong survival advantage is a human couple becoming one physiological unit, which means that if she’s reacting, then I’m reacting, or if he’s upset, that also makes me unsettled. He or she is a part of me, and I will do anything to save him or her; having such a vested interest in the well-being of another person translates into a very important survival advantage for both parties.

So what am I saying about neediness? Perhaps that I learnt to hide my vulnerability from others and then I learnt to hide it from myself. I feel great compassion for others in pain but can not feel my own pain. I can see that I am probably projecting my pain onto them. I need to find my pain in myself and respond to that instead.

Given your upbringing, it makes complete sense that you would hide your needs, because you were refused every time you requested your parents respond, and it was less painful to stop trying.  It really was a smart survival strategy on your part.  I hope you see that, and don't criticize yourself for it.

If you are able to "find your own pain", "meet your own needs", "learn to love yourself", please don't let me stop you.  I have heard you refer to these concepts in your posts.  And self-awareness work is a vital piece of the puzzle.  I'm suspecting, though, that because you have experienced such ongoing, consistent emotional neglect and abuse, these patterns are unlikely to change on a fundamental level for you without a relationship with an attuned therapist (someone who's aware of attachment theory and pays attention to these dynamics in their sessions) or a relationship with someone with a secure attachment style (who you can learn from that needs are OK).

Of course, you might need to do some work, as many of us do, on how to communicate your needs.  Neither demanding nor withdrawing tend to be particularly helpful, but those are common "protest behaviours" that couples in conflict resort to (as mentioned in the link I sent). 

Vulnerability is the key... .and as you say, that's so difficult for you... .and I imagine why, based on everything you've told us about your childhood.  I think what's going to change it for you is having the experience of needs and vulnerability, and discovering that the person does not abandon you for it... .where in fact, it may even bring the two of you closer.

[Lifewriter16]

Hi eeks. My initial reaction to your post was: "What! You mean those awful feelings are not going to go away! You mean I'm going to have to face them when I meet someone who is stable!" Quite frankly, that's an awful thought. I was rather hoping that with concerted effort, I might never feel them again!

So, you say those feelings are normal once we find a special relationship. That means I have been running away from an inevitable part of being in a close relationship whilst all the time I was assuming that the feelings of fear and anxiety I was getting after spending intimate time with a special man was because there was some good reason for the anxiety (like I'm intuiting that he can't be trusted or he is going to leave), not simply part of the process itself. That's both good and bad news. It shows me that all the running away I have done in my last two relationships was a waste of time. It was just panic. There could have been better ways of dealing with it. Having said that, I'm pretty clear that both relationships were mismatched in terms of attachment style and both men were saying things to me that were intensifying my insecurity. Looking at the descriptions of the three attachment styles, I think I'm generally anxiously attached but I become avoidant when presented with someone who is seeking closeness rather than distance.

Having watched my reactions to closeness over the past two years, I suspect I will need therapeutic assistance to stop running for the hills when presented with someone who is capable of sustaining intimacy. I'm uncertain whether I would recognise a securely attached man if I met one. I'd probably be too busy dysregulating (freaking out is how I normally refer to it) to be able to distinguish my issues from his. I seriously hope to be given that opportunity though. And I seriously hope I don't mess it up. If there's anything that I have read in your post, it is that people need love - they are built that way. No wonder I have always felt such a gaping hole in my life.

Thanks for your posts. I really appreciate them.

Love Lifewriter

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi eeks. My initial reaction to your post was: "What! You mean those awful feelings are not going to go away! You mean I'm going to have to face them when I meet someone who is stable!" Quite frankly, that's an awful thought. I was rather hoping that with concerted effort, I might never feel them again!

So, you say those feelings are normal once we find a special relationship. That means I have been running away from an inevitable part of being in a close relationship whilst all the time I was assuming that the feelings of fear and anxiety I was getting after spending intimate time with a special man was because there was some good reason for the anxiety (like I'm intuiting that he can't be trusted or he is going to leave), not simply part of the process itself. That's both good and bad news. It shows me that all the running away I have done in my last two relationships was a waste of time. It was just panic. There could have been better ways of dealing with it. Having said that, I'm pretty clear that both relationships were mismatched in terms of attachment style and both men were saying things to me that were intensifying my insecurity. Looking at the descriptions of the three attachment styles, I think I'm generally anxiously attached but I become avoidant when presented with someone who is seeking closeness rather than distance.

Having watched my reactions to closeness over the past two years, I suspect I will need therapeutic assistance to stop running for the hills when presented with someone who is capable of sustaining intimacy. I'm uncertain whether I would recognise a securely attached man if I met one. I'd probably be too busy dysregulating (freaking out is how I normally refer to it) to be able to distinguish my issues from his. I seriously hope to be given that opportunity though. And I seriously hope I don't mess it up. If there's anything that I have read in your post, it is that people need love - they are built that way. No wonder I have always felt such a gaping hole in my life.

Thanks for your posts. I really appreciate them.

Love Lifewriter

Hey Life-

I think that's your answer right there.  My ex was not a safe place to express vulnerability, at all, and lately I've been asking 'well, where is a safe place?'  So I've been practicing: express vulnerability to people I know and have gotten a little close to, and see what happens.  Who is that vulnerability accepted with?  What does the person say or do in response to my vulnerability?  Most importantly, how do I feel when I'm with them, having expressed that vulnerability?  We're social animals and we have a need to connect with others, no way around it and that's the good news, it's just a matter of meeting people we can be safely vulnerable around, accepted the way we are, warts and all, and setting strong boundaries and/or removing people we can't be.  Life is getting richer with that focus, so I'm feeling like I'm onto something.

[Lifewriter16]

Reflective vulnerability is a really good idea. Thanks, fromheeltoheal

Lifewriter

x

[cyclistIII]

Oh, Lifewriter, I feel like my relationship with my own neediness has been the main struggle of my entire life. My father hates any sign of weakness, even if it's limping because you have a sprained ankle or something. I eventually figured out that my father is wired just like me -- he's also sensitive and emotionally intense, and when he was judging me for being needy, he was judging qualities he recognized and hated in himself.

I try hard to be compassionate with myself. I'm sensitive, emotionally intense, and have abandonment issues. The first two are responsible for many of my best moments as well as some of my worst, and I try to remember that. The latter is mostly just baggage I guess but we all have baggage, right?

The beginning of a new relationship is always what triggers me the most. Which is so hard because I'm just getting to know this person, and finding that balance of not dumping my baggage into their lap, hiding some of my most irrational thoughts (which are, after all, about previous abandonment and not about the person at all) but also wanting them to know me, including my baggage, wanting to find out sooner rather than later if they are the kind of person who will be able to accept those broken parts of me... .

My stated goal is always to keep the level of trust on par with the level of vulnerability, to slow down and not open myself up too quickly. When I start to feel vulnerable to someone, I can't control some of my more erratic freak-outs and emotional impulses, but even just knowing, "Okay, I didn't tell them anything truly intimate or share my vulnerabilities; this is just something happening inside my own brain" helps me calm down faster, as does going slow physically... .(I don't usually feel insecure when I'm WITH a new person; it's usually later when I'm at home by myself and suddenly convinced they hate me because they haven't texted me back yet or something stupid like that.)

But with my xwuBPD, I knew immediately that he had abandonment issues, even before he told me; I could just feel it. I felt from day one that we were emotionally wired the same in some places. And maybe that was just mirroring I suppose but given that the primary symptom is fear of abandonment, I kind of think it was real. Regardless... .for someone to just see my broken places right off the bat and love me because of them rather than despite them... .("we are the same" he told me, "you are my tribe"

Oh God. No wonder this is hard to let go of... .haha, I kind of went off on my own tangent here, but it's been helpful, for me anyway... .thanks.

[Lifewriter16]

Hi cyclist,

But with my xwuBPD, I knew immediately that he had abandonment issues, even before he told me; I could just feel it. I felt from day one that we were emotionally wired the same in some places. And maybe that was just mirroring I suppose but given that the primary symptom is fear of abandonment, I kind of think it was real. Regardless... .for someone to just see my broken places right off the bat and love me because of them rather than despite them... .("we are the same" he told me, "you are my tribe"

That is very much the reason that I am finding it so difficult to let go of my BPDxbf. Unfortunately, that is also the reason why our relationship didn't work - too very damaged people triggering each other's core pain.

Love Lifewriter

[cyclistIII]

I don't think there's a fundamental problem of two people with abandonment issues finding each other and building a trusting and supporting relationship. I think the problem was that I assumed that, having lived his entire life with similar issues, he had developed similar coping strategies... .when in fact, he had no coping strategies at all, other than running away and shutting down.

Sigh.

[Panda39]

Hi All,

This discussion sure resonates with me too.  I was a highly sensative child with a mother that was an emotional mismatch and I too learned to hide my neediness.  I learned that I had to "figure it out" on my own, don't rely on others for validation because they are not reliable.  It was okay for me to accept what was offered but not to ask for anything more and not expect anything.

Not surprisingly I ended up a codependent rescuer.  I would just give and give and give endlessly because it was difficult or scary to ask for what I needed and I picked partners incapable of meeting my needs.

It has only been over the last 6 years (since my divorce), letting go of a lot of baggage, learning to love myself for who I am, and meeting my current partner that I have felt safe enough to ask for what I need.  My partner and I have discussed my difficulty with this and he knows that's it's still hard for me to ask for what I need.  He is really good at reasuring me that it is okay to do so (he will even go so far as to say he enjoys it when I ask him to help me with something it makes him feel good to help or be supportive).

I think the key is to take a chance and be vulnerable.  It's scary and it hard, it can hurt or be totally worth it, but take the chance we must in order find that loving caring person out there.  There is no balance in a relationship when one person only gives and the other person only takes.  There needs to be a 2-way street.


Panda39

[Lifewriter16]

You're right, Panda. And it's the fact it's a two way street that makes it safer because both people are allowing themselves to be seen for who they are. Neediness is a funny emotion though, for me, I feel like it could kill me. I wonder if that's more to do with losing my false self rather than a literal death.

Lifewriter x

[Panda39]

Neediness is a funny emotion though, for me, I feel like it could kill me. I wonder if that's more to do with losing my false self rather than a literal death.

Neediness didn't feel like it would kill me but pushing through the fear of asking for what I needed was really scary.  Would I be put down, made fun of, told my needs were stupid... .would I be invalidated?  Was I brave enough to push through the fear and put it out there?  Gradually, baby steps at first I began asking for things I needed , I asked my friends, I asked strangers, I even asked my mom and the world did not come to an end  .  I think you are on to something when you suspect it might have to to with losing your false self because that is exactly what happened to me.  I was loosing that old closed up, unhappy, depressed and insecure Panda and was opening up in a big way (maybe too big sometimes  ) As I worked through these issues and others overtime I was able to find the authentic me.  I do still have to be conscious so not to fall back into bad habits but as time passes asking for what I need comes easier.

Lean into the neediness allow yourself... .little bits at a time... .to start asking for what you need.

Panda39

[Lifewriter16]

Hi Panda,

As I read your post, it occurred to me that this whole 'neediness' thing might feel much more manageable if I break it down into chunks instead of expecting one person to satisfy them all in one go, as if my happiness and peace of mind can be delivered to me on a plate ... .I'm not even sure that I know what it is that I need to be able to ask for it yet. Often, I may feel 'hurt' by something someone says or does and I'm wondering if that's an indication of something that I needed, or thought I needed, but haven't acknowledged to myself. Sounds like another reason to be more reflective during everyday life, not just when I've got my journal out.

Love Lifewriter x

[Turkish]

I was the latchkey single child of a single mom, of whom I only found out this year has BPD, when she finally told me.

Aside from your example stories, do you think you were a neglected child, Lifewriter? Or invalidated emotionally, which is also neglect?

I've been independent from a very young age: physically, and emotionally. My independence, though attractive to my pwBPD at first, turned out to be invalidating to her. I hate asking others for help, and it's affected my friendships, too. Though I was "Father" to my ":)aughter" in my r/s, I grew to resent it when I realized it. Does any of this resonate? That I have a wolf avatar isn't by chance 

[Panda39]

Hi Panda,

As I read your post, it occurred to me that this whole 'neediness' thing might feel much more manageable if I break it down into chunks instead of expecting one person to satisfy them all in one go, as if my happiness and peace of mind can be delivered to me on a plate ... .I'm not even sure that I know what it is that I need to be able to ask for it yet. Often, I may feel 'hurt' by something someone says or does and I'm wondering if that's an indication of something that I needed, or thought I needed, but haven't acknowledged to myself. Sounds like another reason to be more reflective during everyday life, not just when I've got my journal out.

Love Lifewriter x

Lifewriter,

I have had difficulty with this too.  Translating feelings into words/thoughts... .understanding the feelings so you can act appropriately.  I think this is were some mindfulness comes into play, taking the time to think about that feeling, what is it, why are you having that reaction in the given situation, is it rational or not, is it a knee jerk reaction or not and do you need to act on it or not?  Having all of this thought process in the moment can be difficult but the more you understand yourself I think it becomes easier.  What you might try doing is look at past situations where you had a particular feeling you didn't understand and work on why you felt that way or why you reacted a certain way.

For example, I would sometimes have an absolute meltdown and couldn't understand why I was acting like a 3 year old  .  As I thought more about it I realized that these occasional and what seemed like random meltdowns were caused by one thing... .the conflict within myself of what I wanted to do and what I felt I had to do.  That realization has really helped me when I start having those feelings I can now recognize what it's about, think about the situation again knowing I'm conflicted, or ask for advice from someone else and make a decision about what to do or how to proceed without losing my cool.

Aside from your example stories, do you think you were a neglected child, Lifewriter? Or invalidated emotionally, which is also neglect?

I've been independent from a very young age: physically, and emotionally. My independence, though attractive to my pwBPD at first, turned out to be invalidating to her. I hate asking others for help, and it's affected my friendships, too. Though I was "Father" to my ":)aughter" in my r/s, I grew to resent it when I realized it. Does any of this resonate? That I have a wolf avatar isn't by chance 

What I learned/internalized as a child definitely played out in my adult relationships.  Unhealthy self-esteem for me equaled unhealthy choices in partners (codependent and married to an alcoholic for 20 years  )

Panda39