He said I disrespected his father and so we're through

[blackorchid]

 Hi

My non diagnosed BPD boyf dysregulated and packed up everything in our apartment because I said that his father couldn't move into our apartment... .he said I disrespected his father and so were through.  He's blocked me in everything.

I probably overreacted.  Forgot about BPD and thought of him as a 'normal" person.  I think over the past three weeks I've pushed him away more than ever through trying to contact him. My nerves were shot when he left.  I hadn't slept in 5 days due to him being in bed for three days saying he was depressed then him going out all night drinking on the 4th night and me being worried sick all night when he didn't come home and his phone was switched off.  That night his dad turned up (who I think is a trigger for him) and me walking on egg shells and trying to keep my distance for the 2 nights he was there.

Do I need to go total N/C now or after re reading articles on here do I need to send him a validating message?

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[Turkish]

Hi blackorchid,

It sounds like he may be enmeshed with his father. Denying his dad moving in may have triggered his rejection sensitivities, causing such a severe reaction. Going NC is a tool to detach, and aside from his behavior, NC on your side will likely reinforce the abandonment script in his head (regardless of the fact that he left). What do you really want out of this for you? Is it ambivalence, or concern about escalation?

Turkish

[blackorchid]

Hi Turkish,

I think you're right regarding him being enmeshed with his father. I'm concerned for him and as corny and stupid as it sounds I just want him to come back home.  Out of interest are you Turkish? He's Turkish and the family dynamics are very different to mine. (British). Thank you

[Turkish]

No. Turkish was the name of the pet rat my ex made me abandon so I could move in with her. Two examples of my lousy boundaries right there. The rat was named by its previous owner after Jason Statham's character from three movie Snatch. The other rat was Tommy. 

[blackorchid]

Oh ok. Thought it would be too good to be true.  Sorry you had to give away your pet... .Hopefully you can get a new one.  Should I continue NC in your opinion or try something else.

I think his dad may be a trigger for him. But he always projects those feelings on to me.  Like he can never see his dad as the "bad" one so I always become the "bad" one.

I have feeling too that his parents are telling him not to get back with me aside had a few calls from his my telling me just how happy she is.  My trip back home was delayed, through non related issues, by one week.  She even called me panicked that I wasn't going and that I should hurry up and go.

This has been frustrating me even more and so I have contacted him much more in the initial aftermath than I usually would. Had also led to me not validating how he's feeling, which has probably pushed him even more away.

Initially I was just too angry. He too, everything that we bought together.  Tv laptop.  Furniture.  So being in our apartment for me atm is a constant remainder of what he has done and how unacceptable it is.