On the kitchen floor

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Oh yeah, it's really painful right now.

I have been crying for over an hour. This is probably the hardest I've cried that I can remember about this... .even during the relationship. But it's different. These tears are the kind that come when something is final... .when no matter what you do you can't turn it around. It's like he died and I will never get to see him again ever.

Tomorrow is our two year anniversary when he proposed. I never imagined when I said yes, what was going to follow... .If I could put into words how I feel right now (I have a really good imagination) it's that of a young bride that lost her husband way too fast... .I'm just having these intense flashbacks of his genuine smile, his loving actions and loving words, our home, our quiet evenings together... .and I've cried so hard that I go sick... .

I know there were always red flags in our relationship... .but I also know that his dysregulation increased tenfold after he proposed. He definitely got meaner and nastier... .and then down into the final blow up of him cheating. It's very much like watching a progessive illness in hindsight slowly get worse... .and I'm grieving because I feel like the man with the huge smile on his face that proposed to me, would be doing everything he could to love and comfort me right now and would tell the guy that left, cheated, and abandoned me, that he was a damn fool.

I know my regulated guy loved me and I wonder if he is hurting that this demon version of himself sabotaged his relationship to the point of no return... .

I don't know... .I'm just mourning... .mourning for what could have been, mourning for what was, mourning because I miss the him that I fell in love with, and mourning because I am sad for him and that he has to live with this... .

I was rocking back and forth crying on the kitchen floor, and all I could say was goodbye. Because I think I've come out of denial that this is really over for me. I don't know about him, but for me, the hope is gone, and I am facing the next 60 years of my life without him, rather than with him like I thought. I've continued to try to make up ways in my mind that I could go back in time and experience it all again, or make it better, or fix it... .and there's just nothing. The person I loved is dead.

[Tangy]

Oh yeah, it's really painful right now.

I have been crying for over an hour. This is probably the hardest I've cried that I can remember about this... .even during the relationship. But it's different. These tears are the kind that come when something is final... .when no matter what you do you can't turn it around. It's like he died and I will never get to see him again ever.

Tomorrow is our two year anniversary when he proposed. I never imagined when I said yes, what was going to follow... .If I could put into words how I feel right now (I have a really good imagination) it's that of a young bride that lost her husband way too fast... .I'm just having these intense flashbacks of his genuine smile, his loving actions and loving words, our home, our quiet evenings together... .and I've cried so hard that I go sick... .

I know there were always red flags in our relationship... .but I also know that his dysregulation increased tenfold after he proposed. He definitely got meaner and nastier... .and then down into the final blow up of him cheating. It's very much like watching a progessive illness in hindsight slowly get worse... .and I'm grieving because I feel like the man with the huge smile on his face that proposed to me, would be doing everything he could to love and comfort me right now and would tell the guy that left, cheated, and abandoned me, that he was a damn fool.

I know my regulated guy loved me and I wonder if he is hurting that this demon version of himself sabotaged his relationship to the point of no return... .

I don't know... .I'm just mourning... .mourning for what could have been, mourning for what was, mourning because I miss the him that I fell in love with, and mourning because I am sad for him and that he has to live with this... .

I was rocking back and forth crying on the kitchen floor, and all I could say was goodbye. Because I think I've come out of denial that this is really over for me. I don't know about him, but for me, the hope is gone, and I am facing the next 60 years of my life without him, rather than with him like I thought. I've continued to try to make up ways in my mind that I could go back in time and experience it all again, or make it better, or fix it... .and there's just nothing. The person I loved is dead.

[enlighten me]

Hi Tangy

Im sorry you are going through this. Yes it does feel like you are mourning a death. I too have felt this way. The loss of the dream and the finality of it all.

The sad difference is that no one else can see this. No one understands the pain because they cant see it as a physical loss.

Its painful but you need to go through the mourning so you can begin to heal.

It may not seem it but it does get better.

EM

[JohnLove]

Oh dear, Tangy. This was distressing to read. I hope you are feeling a little better and others in this "family" can offer you words of comfort and understanding.

I read these stories in horror. I have also read HOW A BORDERLINE RELATIONSHIP EVOLVES in the tools on this website

Earlier this year before my BPDgf's birthday I picked out a ring... .then some problems surfaced and I became focused on the red flags.

It is still at the store.

I hope for you that this will serve to help you to appreciate your own strength and something better will come out of this for you. I know how it feels to give up your hopes and dreams. They never go quietly.  I suspect you didn't deserve this. 60 years is a long time... .and something amazing will happen well before then. There are too many wonderful people in the world for it not to. It may be just around the corner. Remain open to good things although my advice would be to chill on any intimacy until you've done some healing from the damage he has caused you.

He has discarded you and that is a terrible thing for someone to do in an intimate relationship.

The ultimate red flag?

[hopealways]

Hi Tangy

Im sorry you are going through this. Yes it does feel like you are mourning a death. I too have felt this way. The loss of the dream and the finality of it all.

The sad difference is that no one else can see this. No one understands the pain because they cant see it as a physical loss.

Its painful but you need to go through the mourning so you can begin to heal.

It may not seem it but it does get better.

EM

In bold: precisely.

[Mutt]

Hi Tangy,



I'm sorry to hear that  I can see how it would be a really tough day. I think that many of us can relate with triggering periods with birthdays, anniversaries, holidays. I find that it helps to talk about it.

[Tangy]

Oh dear, Tangy. This was distressing to read. I hope you are feeling a little better and others in this "family" can offer you words of comfort and understanding.

I read these stories in horror. I have also read HOW A BORDERLINE RELATIONSHIP EVOLVES in the tools on this website

Earlier this year before my BPDgf's birthday I picked out a ring... .then some problems surfaced and I became focused on the red flags.

It is still at the store.

I hope for you that this will serve to help you to appreciate your own strength and something better will come out of this for you. I know how it feels to give up your hopes and dreams. They never go quietly.  I suspect you didn't deserve this. 60 years is a long time... .and something amazing will happen well before then. There are too many wonderful people in the world for it not to. It may be just around the corner. Remain open to good things although my advice would be to chill on any intimacy until you've done some healing from the damage he has caused you.

He has discarded you and that is a terrible thing for someone to do in an intimate relationship.

The ultimate red flag?

Thank you for your kind reply. I am sorry that you never got to purchase the ring... .it seems that this is how it goes once we've hit the point where marriage would follow. I do feel much stronger and I am proud of myself. I love myself where I didn't before. I guess that's part of what's so sad. Feeling like I made it out alive, and he's still stuck. But I also know that there's nothing I can do. That he has to find a reason to change. I have worked so hard during our relationship... .and now the payoff is here. I am about to graduate with my masters degree... .I have a group of really good friends... .and I am finally healing from FOO... .I think there's that part of me now that's just wishing my regulated, smiley, loving guy were here to enjoy it with me. Trying to shift my mind to the concept of a new guy filling the role is strange. But I know I deserve a guy that can remain regulated, committed, and invested in the relationship. I know the future is bright... .


And I guess that's the difference... .in the past I was crying, full of hatred, felt like life was hopeless and like I didn't want to live.

Today I'm crying, grieving, mourning, and it's extremely raw and painful, but I know the future is going to get better.

Hi Tangy

Im sorry you are going through this. Yes it does feel like you are mourning a death. I too have felt this way. The loss of the dream and the finality of it all.

The sad difference is that no one else can see this. No one understands the pain because they cant see it as a physical loss.

Its painful but you need to go through the mourning so you can begin to heal.

It may not seem it but it does get better.

EM

Thank you EM, I always appreciate reading your thoughtful replies (to each person on here) yeah I'm not sure people can fully understand. They can just say "he was a total jerk" "his loss" etc... .I do have friends that are more validating than that... .but in general it's really nice to have this board full of people that completely understand and get it... .the difficulty in feeling like you were in love with two different people. Thank you again for your reply.

[cyclistIII]

That's exactly right, I think -- it's like being in love with two different people. I keep thinking I want to be with him again, and then I realize, no, I want to be with the person he used to be -- and he may become that person again, but it won't last, so I have to let go... .

I've had the same thing where I cried hysterically and felt like I was going to die but then afterwards I felt better. It was cathartic, a form of letting go -- and yeah, I had "how can you leave me please come back" crying and then later on I had just "oh my God this is really over" crying, which felt much healthier.

Sigh. This is hard. I am glad I found this board to see so many people going through the same thing.

[Tangy]

That's exactly right, I think -- it's like being in love with two different people. I keep thinking I want to be with him again, and then I realize, no, I want to be with the person he used to be -- and he may become that person again, but it won't last, so I have to let go... .

I've had the same thing where I cried hysterically and felt like I was going to die but then afterwards I felt better. It was cathartic, a form of letting go -- and yeah, I had "how can you leave me please come back" crying and then later on I had just "oh my God this is really over" crying, which felt much healthier.

Sigh. This is hard. I am glad I found this board to see so many people going through the same thing.

Thank you for your reply. Yes, it does seem like many of us have experienced the same situations. That's good for me, because no one in person had ever had the experience I had. They tried their best to empathiZe at the time (before I knew of BPD) but we were all at a loss, and I was fully blaming myself back then. Now my best friend is there for me the most, because I've explained the disorder and had her read about it, to which she replied THAT SOUNDS JUST LIKE HIM. Yep...

So... .The anniversary came and went. I checked my email like a crazy lady... .I don't know why I expected him to reach out. I think it was the delusional side of me remembering the guy that proposed... .like expected him to resurrect from the dead because it was our special day. So I've gotten through the worst day... .his birthday... .and now this day... .I think the Holidays will be the last big challenge... .and then I feel like the new year I will be able to start fresh. I just need to keep remembering how amazing I am... .and that I don't need him walking next to me to be okay. I've never known what it was like to be whole alone. And I want to experience that feeling.

[enlighten me]

Hi Tangy

I found that the anniversaries and holidays where not as bad as I expected. I guess I worked myself up and the actual days where a bit of an anti climax. I also expected some form of reaching out and not getting it hurt but that got less and less over time as I detached. It may sound typical of a man but I have honestly forgotten the date of my wedding so that's one anniversary that isn't a trigger.

Keep heading forward your doing fantastically.

EM