How much faster would we heal without smartphones and computers?

[Rameses]

I been sitting here reading post after post and then something dawned on me. There is a definite recurring theme. So much of the pain that is inflicted on us is through text messages, emails, Facebook and other media sources.

Let your mind imagine a time when there was only a land line phone with no caller ID and a big old clunky answering machine.

We would be able go out with our friends, go shopping, go to the gym and do all the other things that make up a fulfilling life without having the source of our pain attached to our hip. I mean we bring it with us everywhere we go, even to bed. No wonder we are constantly distressed.

We would not be so preoccupied  with constantly checking our phones and computers, which would allow us to enjoy the present moment without obsessing every time we hear our little Pavlov`s ding or whatever our favorite sound effect of choice is, indicating it might be our pain source trying to contact us. We even set it beside our bed at night

.

No wonder this site is so active... .oh wait... .then we wouldn't have this site to go to... .but then maybe we wouldn`t need it.

Let your mind soak that in and really imagine what that would be like.

And if you really want to wander... .how about before phones.

I guess this is a mental exercise to let your mind imagine if you really did cut off access to you from your partner. Just think if you knew there was no way of them ever being able to contact you without going waaaay out of there way.

[Mutt]

And if you really want to wander... .how about before phones.

Hi Rameses,

I think that there may of been a lot of frustration with he said she said. I do appreciate that I have email to track the exchanges with my ex or the ability to capture texts messages for cops, lawyers and judges. I also find that it's less emotional to communicate by email, you can pause and think with what you want to say and not be caught off guard.

[Corgicuddler95]

I do think healing and true no contact would be a lot easier. Also it would have meant that my ex would have had to break up with me at least on phone instead of facebook message so maybe I'd have reached a point of closure earlier

But it would probably also be harder to get support from my friends as well

[purekalm]

Rameses,

I believe I have to agree with Mutt, things were a lot more personal in those times as opposed to how impersonal we are now. In your mind you know the person so it hurts, but how much more would it hurt to have them be saying those things in person?

My husband can yell, demean accuse and hang up on me all he wants leaving me frustrated, yet it's a whole other deal when he's in my face. It's a bittersweet thought because it would be easier and harder.

Also, don't make yourself so instantly available. Get an alarm clock and silence your phone at night. You'll sleep easier and when you wake up you'll hopefully be well rested and better able to deal with the "answering machine". 

Just a thought. I did this when he worked nights because he would call on his breaks to start fights and then I couldn't sleep cause I was all wound up.

[Tangy]

I think true NC on our part involves not looking at their social networking sites, not asking about them, and not contacting them. The first month I kept my FB completely deactivated. The second month I got a new one and haven't yet scrolled a news feed. Because even though I got a new one we have a lot of mutual friends and I don't want to accidentally find out anything about him. Plus I was wanting to decrease my FB use prior to the breakup so this was just a catalyst to that. I feel better not having too much FB in my life in general (regardless of him). I think we really all could use a break.

When we broke up I changed my ringtone for everyone and then may a special one for him that I had never used. It's never gone off... .I also changed his name in my phone to broken little boy or something like that... .so that if he ever contacts me I can try to remember who I am dealing with and to deal with him with the kindness as well as with boundaries. I think one of the reasons I've done so well in two and a half months is because I have done all the recommended "healthy" things. I don't talk to him, I don't check up on him or my replacement, I go out with my friends, I haven't drank alcohol, I sleep, and I see a therapist. I'm not saying any of that to brag or boast... .merely to say that if we really truly love ourselves we have to have to have to take care of ourselves and stop putting the source of our pain on a pedestal.

The one thing I haven't dealt with is the fact that he is still paying for my cell phone. I asked him to take me off when we first broke up... .and he said okay... .but he's never done it. So that's kinda weird... .cuz as far as I'm concerned this relationship is over... .yet he still keeps me on his plan and pays for me .

but again I think we need to rule our cell phone and computer use and not let them rule us. That way we can truly be kind to ourselves and not rub salt in the wound. The devastation caused by the relationships were enough... let us not continue to harm ourselves even after the end.

[hopealways]

Very interesting point and I totally agree with you.

[enlighten me]

I think a lot of problems would never have occurred as they did but probably manifest in other ways. Social media and the internet make it easy to satisfy your wants at the click of a button. If it wasn't that easy would our SO have still cheated? Probably, they would have just fund a different way to do it.

As for healing we don't have to have the apps enabled or go on FB. We choose to do this.

I do think that the internet and mobiles are a godsend for pwBPD. They can get supply with less chance of being caught.

[toddinrochester]

I work in the tech industry and have for the past 17 years. I am leaving it for addictions counseling soon. People ask me all the time if I am amazed at how technology has grown and I always think the same thing. I think it was better before. Minus advancements for medicine. I think we have lost ourselves along the way and authentic and genuine has become simply a Facebook status update. I have started to slowly throttle myself off Facebook. I have disassociated with many of the groups before that I was a member of. I find it to be more self validation then anything else. I love dogs, I join all the dog rescue groups. I leave the dog rescue groups. Does that mean that that cause does not tug on my heart string? No it doesn't. In my own authentic self it should be good enough. I shouldn't need to show it to anyone like some sort of sash for girl scouts with merit badges. Anyhow. This posting touched a chord with me. I would gladly give it all back for a phone that had a cord that you needed to untangle every now and then.

[scgator]

All very good and valid points. I for one am VERY glad for technology in this instance. Otherwise I would probably still be the subject of her accusations, put-downs and rages with no idea about BPD and no one to turn to who understands what I dealt with. This forum was a life-saver for me.

[Michelle27]

All very good and valid points. I for one am VERY glad for technology in this instance. Otherwise I would probably still be the subject of her accusations, put-downs and rages with no idea about BPD and no one to turn to who understands what I dealt with. This forum was a life-saver for me.

Exactly how I feel too.  That said, my stbxh was a FB stalker... .he would look at the profiles of all of his FB friends regularly and creeped the pages of those who were my FB friends too.  Towards the end of the marriage, he used FB Messenger to try to locate me before I turned off my phone GPS.  Years before we split it got so annoying that I ended up hiding my friends list from my profile.  We were 3 months into a therapeutic separation when I decided I was done and needed to end it for my own mental health and within a few weeks, I deleted and blocked him from my FB.  That was so freeing.  But I know there are a few mutual friends who are looking at my FB and reporting to him, but I don't care.  I don't have to see what he's up to and that is absolutely healing for me.

Finding this site 5 years ago (and others about BPD) helped me make sense of behaviors that don't make sense.  I still stuck around because he made all kinds of promises about making changes, but of course, didn't follow through and finally my own self growth helped me come to the realization that I deserve more than empty promises and non follow through so I ended it.  But I still need this site to help me through the healing process, and for that, I am grateful.