Where to put the feelings?

[Tangy]

I don't usually get an urge to break NC. Today I do, but it is not because I miss him or want to be loving... .I feel a lot of rage and anger inside today and the reason I'd like to break NC is because I would like to let it all out at him. I've been sick and I took some DayQuil today because I have to work... .and I'm quite sure whatever is in it intensified my low level negative emotion to where I am feeling explosive. I have good control over outward expression of my emotion but I hate letting it just sit inside. So I guess my question is... .

Where to put these feelings, especially in the middle of the day?

Things I usually try are intense cardio, writing him emails I never intend to send, and punching pillows... .But today I'm sick and need to attend to a job where I need to give my full attention to others. I'm just curious what everyone else does when feelings get overwhelming. Relaxation when I'm like this usually doesn't work super well for me.

[enlighten me]

Hi Tangy

Honestly I don't know. I somehow manage to supress them but not sure that's theres anyone thing I do to release the pressure.

A word of warning for others though. I don't write emails I always did it on word as the temptation to press send was too great for me.

Hope you find an answer.

[Tangy]

Hi Tangy

Honestly I don't know. I somehow manage to supress them but not sure that's theres anyone thing I do to release the pressure.

A word of warning for others though. I don't write emails I always did it on word as the temptation to press send was too great for me.

Hope you find an answer.

Thanks EM

Yeah I've been wondering if part of the issue is just distress tolerance and accepting feelings rather than feeling like I absolutely have to get rid of them. I also know I won't be taking any more DayQuil.

As for the email issue, I don't put his name in there mostly to prevent accidentally hitting send . I have about 150 drafts in 2.5 months !

[enlighten me]

Very sensible not putting the address in. I probably wouldn't have thought of that at the time. Id probably just get carried away writing her an email.

I probably let out bits at a time. Beat up the vacuum cleaner doing the house work and little things like that. I don't think ive ever thought about it though.

[coletown11]

I write emails as well, but I make myself the recipient.

[Mutt]

I feel a lot of rage and anger inside today and the reason I'd like to break NC is because I would like to let it all out at him.

I find it helps to talk. How about sharing your feelings about him with us here? We share similar experiences with someone that suffers from mental illness. I find I don't have anybody really in real life that can relate with how I feel with how my ex acts out sometimes.

I find sharing with members on these boards helps.

[toddinrochester]

I used to keep a journal from the day she left until the day I realized what it was. I titled it simply her first name and each time I wanted to tell her something about how I felt I would just go to the word document. I deleted it when I figured out it was BPD. Reason being, it wouldn't make a difference if she read how she hurt me or not and me reading the painful moments over later would probably not be a good idea . Its certainly much safer then to put it in an email! I would also fight the temptation to hit send and would probably cave. I second the using word and write a letter there. Maybe a daily journal that you delete and start over each day?

[Tangy]

I used to keep a journal from the day she left until the day I realized what it was. I titled it simply her first name and each time I wanted to tell her something about how I felt I would just go to the word document. I deleted it when I figured out it was BPD. Reason being, it wouldn't make a difference if she read how she hurt me or not and me reading the painful moments over later would probably not be a good idea . Its certainly much safer then to put it in an email! I would also fight the temptation to hit send and would probably cave. I second the using word and write a letter there. Maybe a daily journal that you delete and start over each day?

I feel a lot of rage and anger inside today and the reason I'd like to break NC is because I would like to let it all out at him.

I find it helps to talk. How about sharing your feelings about him with us here? We share similar experiences with someone that suffers from mental illness. I find I don't have anybody really in real life that can relate with how I feel with how my ex acts out sometimes.

I find sharing with members on these boards helps.

Thanks everyone. Todd, I like that idea. I think that's kind of what my gmail draft box has become . they all just say no Recipient.

Mutt, I suppose I could let it out here... .but right now I'm not sure who I'm angry at because truth be told at this moment I'm angry at myself when a little while ago when I wrote this I thought I was mad at him.

I am angry at myself for treating myself like crap since being a teenager. I'm mad that I let him treat me this way. I'm mad that all my friends are married and/or in mutually respectful long term relationships... .and sometimes I feel like I'm the one that wants it the most... .yet am the one without it... .and I'm mad that I seem to be the cause of it... .picking people that were not a good match for me. I'm mad that he proposed and made me feel like my dreams were coming true only to rip it away... .not once but twice... .without any substantial reasoning... .only to go back to being in love with me again... .and then want to leave me again. I'm mad I blamed myself for it. I'm mad I let it keep going on. I'm mad that I still on some stupid level think he's treating her better... .I'm mad that I'm still blaming myself... .I'm mad that no matter what I do I can't seem to break these self effacing... .self blaming... .self loathing patterns... .even though I like myself much more than I ever did I still feel let down because I'm not "perfect"

I'm sorry if all that sound ultra victimy... .I'm just having a super bad day I guess... .I really wish I could have an hour in a room with a punching bag. Lol.

[Tangy]

I used to keep a journal from the day she left until the day I realized what it was. I titled it simply her first name and each time I wanted to tell her something about how I felt I would just go to the word document. I deleted it when I figured out it was BPD. Reason being, it wouldn't make a difference if she read how she hurt me or not and me reading the painful moments over later would probably not be a good idea . Its certainly much safer then to put it in an email! I would also fight the temptation to hit send and would probably cave. I second the using word and write a letter there. Maybe a daily journal that you delete and start over each day?

I feel a lot of rage and anger inside today and the reason I'd like to break NC is because I would like to let it all out at him.

I find it helps to talk. How about sharing your feelings about him with us here? We share similar experiences with someone that suffers from mental illness. I find I don't have anybody really in real life that can relate with how I feel with how my ex acts out sometimes.

I find sharing with members on these boards helps.

Thanks everyone. Todd, I like that idea. I think that's kind of what my gmail draft box has become . they all just say no Recipient.

Mutt, I suppose I could let it out here... .but right now I'm not sure who I'm angry at because truth be told at this moment I'm angry at myself when a little while ago when I wrote this I thought I was mad at him.

I am angry at myself for treating myself like crap since being a teenager. I'm mad that I let him treat me this way. I'm mad that all my friends are married and/or in mutually respectful long term relationships... .and sometimes I feel like I'm the one that wants it the most... .yet am the one without it... .and I'm mad that I seem to be the cause of it... .picking people that were not a good match for me. I'm mad that he proposed and made me feel like my dreams were coming true only to rip it away... .not once but twice... .without any substantial reasoning... .only to go back to being in love with me again... .and then want to leave me again. I'm mad I blamed myself for it. I'm mad I let it keep going on. I'm mad that I still on some stupid level think he's treating her better... .I'm mad that I'm still blaming myself... .I'm mad that no matter what I do I can't seem to break these self effacing... .self blaming... .self loathing patterns... .even though I like myself much more than I ever did I still feel let down because I'm not "perfect"

I'm sorry if all that sound ultra victimy... .I'm just having a super bad day I guess... .I really wish I could have an hour in a room with a punching bag. Lol.


and most of all... .I'm angry because I still have no idea what the heck happened and I don't know how we got here. I feel like I hate him for putting my on pedestal... .and now having him act like I don't even matter.

[enlighten me]

Hi Tangy

Its good that you can see what your mad at. I can totally relate to the pedestal bit. Im still not sure whether it was more to do with my ego being hurt than them conning me. I think a lot of the feelings are in my case ego based.

Its been good for me to see what has driven this. Why I was left so open to this kind of relationship.

No ones perfect so you need to remind yourself of that. Theres no point beating yourself up for failing to achieve the impossible.

Concentrate on your good points rather than the bad.

[toddinrochester]

I just opened word and then to documents from the past month and the B journal is in there. I read it. Every day... .Its incredibly sad and angry at times. I deleted it. Weird how far I have come in such a short period of time once I identified the problem. By saying that I mean that I know this is also my fault and I need to work on my self esteem. Its like a homing beacon.

[fireflyzzz]

I used to keep a journal from the day she left until the day I realized what it was. I titled it simply her first name and each time I wanted to tell her something about how I felt I would just go to the word document. I deleted it when I figured out it was BPD. Reason being, it wouldn't make a difference if she read how she hurt me or not and me reading the painful moments over later would probably not be a good idea . Its certainly much safer then to put it in an email! I would also fight the temptation to hit send and would probably cave. I second the using word and write a letter there. Maybe a daily journal that you delete and start over each day?

I feel a lot of rage and anger inside today and the reason I'd like to break NC is because I would like to let it all out at him.

I find it helps to talk. How about sharing your feelings about him with us here? We share similar experiences with someone that suffers from mental illness. I find I don't have anybody really in real life that can relate with how I feel with how my ex acts out sometimes.

I find sharing with members on these boards helps.

Thanks everyone. Todd, I like that idea. I think that's kind of what my gmail draft box has become . they all just say no Recipient.

Mutt, I suppose I could let it out here... .but right now I'm not sure who I'm angry at because truth be told at this moment I'm angry at myself when a little while ago when I wrote this I thought I was mad at him.

I am angry at myself for treating myself like crap since being a teenager. I'm mad that I let him treat me this way. I'm mad that all my friends are married and/or in mutually respectful long term relationships... .and sometimes I feel like I'm the one that wants it the most... .yet am the one without it... .and I'm mad that I seem to be the cause of it... .picking people that were not a good match for me. I'm mad that he proposed and made me feel like my dreams were coming true only to rip it away... .not once but twice... .without any substantial reasoning... .only to go back to being in love with me again... .and then want to leave me again. I'm mad I blamed myself for it. I'm mad I let it keep going on. I'm mad that I still on some stupid level think he's treating her better... .I'm mad that I'm still blaming myself... .I'm mad that no matter what I do I can't seem to break these self effacing... .self blaming... .self loathing patterns... .even though I like myself much more than I ever did I still feel let down because I'm not "perfect"

I'm sorry if all that sound ultra victimy... .I'm just having a super bad day I guess... .I really wish I could have an hour in a room with a punching bag. Lol.

Hello Tangy, my english is not so good to write down all my hurts and pain but I come here very often to read, learn and try to forget my exBPDbf. Right now I have those exact same angry at myself :-(

I just hope that I will be strong enough to stay in NC.

[Mutt]

I'm sorry if all that sound ultra victimy... .I'm just having a super bad day I guess... .I really wish I could have an hour in a room with a punching bag. Lol.

I'm sorry to hear that you're having a bad day. No need to apologize for sounding ultra victimy, you're sorting through your feelings. I understand how tough a break-up with someone that suffers from mental illness is. Keep posting.

[Tangy]

Thanks everyone. I really appreciate all of your support.

I'm sorry if all that sound ultra victimy... .I'm just having a super bad day I guess... .I really wish I could have an hour in a room with a punching bag. Lol.

I'm sorry to hear that you're having a bad day. No need to apologize for sounding ultra victimy, you're sorting through your feelings. I understand how tough a break-up with someone that suffers from mental illness is. Keep posting.

I'm just angry because it's been two months. With Sunday being our engagement anniversary I guess I'm still just really sad... .and pissed. I wish I could get to the top of the mountain rather than slipping every time I think I've finally got it. But I'm appalled that serious in June he was beaming with happiness about our wedding so happy... .so supportive... .so loving... .I mean I should have known better with the way he had hurt me before... .but he made so many promises that it was different this time. And I guess I can't explain how freaking happy I was. I was so ready to love him... .but from this space of NC I see I was so ready to love my ideal guy... .the guy I projected onto him. The guy that is always the sweet loving and kind version of him... .plus all the qualities I have in my mind that I pretended that he had. I really was in love with a modified version of who he was. I know this. How can I be so angry at him for just being who he is? Why am I so angry that he's not my fantasy version? But then seriously why did he have to propose? I don't freaking understand it? Why does he always put himself into the most committed position when commitment is what he fears most?

And why am I still hurting when I think he's off happy with her?

[cyclistIII]

Tangy -- two months is not that long. Which is a funny thing for me to say because just two weeks ago I was crying to my mom, "It's been seven weeks! I should be over this by now!" and she was telling me, seven weeks is really not a long time.

And she was right -- especially for something that intense and bewildering; I think the complicatedness and lack of closure make a BPD break-up harder to process and heal from than a non-BPD break-up. Though this site has been terrific at helping me understand.

All of your angers are angers I have felt; you are not alone.

Why does he always put himself into the most committed position when commitment is what he fears most?

Commitment is also what he wants the most; that's the problem. Both things are true. In fact, I get the impression it's precisely the fact that he wants it so intensely that scares him so much... .(talking about my guy now, obviously).

He used to tell me everything was basically a conflict between fear and love. "You know what I mean?" he'd ask me earnestly, and I'd say, "kind of," but really I didn't.

I sure do now though.

[Mutt]

Why does he always put himself into the most committed position when commitment is what he fears most?

I asked myself the same question when I married my ex. I had thought that her behaviors would change and it didn't, she would have to go to intensive therapy and work on her core wound, a narcissistic injury, what a pwBPD fear the most is abandonment, perceived or real. Intimacy is what triggers the disorder, the person isn't capable of emotional intimacy, we may mistake it for intimacy with how a pwBPD emotionally bear down on us but what we get is intensity.

And why am I still hurting when I think he's off happy with her?

He may be happy for now but undiagnosed or untreated pwBPD want that emotional intimacy and will push you away when you get too close because the person fears engulfment, the push pull behavior that feels like we're on an emotional roller-coaster.

These relationships can be devastating, confusing and chaotic when they end.  You were in a relationship for 3 years and in another stable relationship for 4 years prior? Do you feel compounded loss? He decided last Dec that he wanted to get married around Sept 2015. I completely understand how this would be triggering.

[purekalm]

I'm around my son all day and he needs my attention a lot still so I understand that you can't always use your other techniques that would normally work. Something I learned is to pay attention to my physical signs that I'm getting past the point where I feel safe being able to contain my rage. For me, I start breathing faster, clench my fists and my blood pressure starts to rise making me hot. What I do when I don't have time to even think about the issue is to purposely take deep breaths (at first I felt like an idiot, but it does help tremendously) and unclench my fists. By the time I've taken 3 slow, deep breaths I've already taken myself out of the moment. But, sometimes I replay why I'm angry as soon as I calm down and have to repeat those actions. It may or may not work, but it's what I do. 

And, I don't think you sound victimy at all, you sound hurt and angry for all perfectly valid reasons. I have been round the wheel of loss more times than I can count recently and we aren't even living apart yet, next month... .I'm my own worst critic so I understand. Try your hardest not to beat yourself up or obsess over what they may or may not be doing. When I kicked my husband out last July he was trying to get this woman in less than a week out that looked like me. He was telling her how beautiful she was and everything while at the same time telling me he wanted to work things out... .He asked her and her daughter out, even though she turned him down, but didn't say a word about doing anything for his own son. How I know is he didn't change his password to his FB account. Yeah, I have all that saved to MW but don't read it because it sucks.

It has taken me a really long time, but I've realized no matter how "perfect" I could have been, it would have ended up this way because of his disorder. No matter how much I'd love to blame myself, I know the truth is it wasn't my fault. I did everything I could have plus some, like I'm sure you did too. It's not you. It is just not you.  

[Tangy]

Tangy -- two months is not that long. Which is a funny thing for me to say because just two weeks ago I was crying to my mom, "It's been seven weeks! I should be over this by now!" and she was telling me, seven weeks is really not a long time.

And she was right -- especially for something that intense and bewildering; I think the complicatedness and lack of closure make a BPD break-up harder to process and heal from than a non-BPD break-up. Though this site has been terrific at helping me understand.

All of your angers are angers I have felt; you are not alone.

Why does he always put himself into the most committed position when commitment is what he fears most?

Commitment is also what he wants the most; that's the problem. Both things are true. In fact, I get the impression it's precisely the fact that he wants it so intensely that scares him so much... .(talking about my guy now, obviously).

He used to tell me everything was basically a conflict between fear and love. "You know what I mean?" he'd ask me earnestly, and I'd say, "kind of," but really I didn't.

I sure do now though.

Yes, I think you're right. Two months is not that long, but it feels long, because I still haven't heard from him. He always had a warped sense of time. He would think MUCH LESS time had passed than actually had. I wonder sometimes if that's where he is now. I don't know. I know I am no where where I was when it first happened. My friends have been telling my I am much more like myself... .so others are noticing I'm better. But I just don't want to think of him at all. He was able to go from telling me I was his perfect companion and that no one (not even her) would come between us... .and then he cheated with her... .and I would assume they are together. And it's like... .clearly it wasn't hard for him to choose her... .(He said... ."Who said it was an easy choice" but pffff... .seriously. And I mean there is another guy Im interested in... .but I am so out of the realm of what a healthy pace of getting to know someone is... .that I think I am internally sabotaging that by assuming because he hasn't rushed... .then he's not interested... .even though he's told others he is. It's like I'm okay with where I am in life. But I hate feeling like I have this past full of baggage. I like who I am now... .but who I am NOW wouldn't have an ex fiance that treated her like ish... .so why can't I just forget him?

Regarding commitment is what he wants most... .I can see that. I always say he tries to zip up his healthy man suit to be with me. He wants to be ready. He wants to commit. He wants to have a child with me... .until he feels insecure... .or does something shameful (like selfishly/impulsively cheating with her) and then the man suit falls off and he is faced with the version of himself that he dislikes the most... .and instead of facing that... .(Which while writing this I feel compassion for how scary that might be) he lashes out at me... .tells me he can't be himself when he's with me... .tells me I get in the way of him living his life... .and says he wants to be with her because she's new (exiting), less serious (relieving), and because "he had fun hanging out with her." All the while... .his almost wife is over here like... .alright that's cool. The relief I find is thank god I was only his "almost wife" rather than the real deal. I don't know so many feelings for him... .hate... .rage... .empathy... .compassion... .confusion... .hurt... .betrayal... .love... .I guess I have as many feelings for him as he has personality aspects. I'm far from perfect... .so I know I have my own faults... .I just truth be told wish we could have worked on these things together... .I wanted to grow together... .not be ripped apart into oblivion. So yeah... .I'm mad he left me.

Why does he always put himself into the most committed position when commitment is what he fears most?

I asked myself the same question when I married my ex. I had thought that her behaviors would change and it didn't, she would have to go to intensive therapy and work on her core wound, a narcissistic injury, what a pwBPD fear the most is abandonment, perceived or real. Intimacy is what triggers the disorder, the person isn't capable of emotional intimacy, we may mistake it for intimacy with how a pwBPD emotionally bear down on us but what we get is intensity.

And why am I still hurting when I think he's off happy with her?

He may be happy for now but undiagnosed or untreated pwBPD want that emotional intimacy and will push you away when you get too close because the person fears engulfment, the push pull behavior that feels like we're on an emotional roller-coaster.

These relationships can be devastating, confusing and chaotic when they end.  You were in a relationship for 3 years and in another stable relationship for 4 years prior? Do you feel compounded loss? He decided last Dec that he wanted to get married around Sept 2015. I completely understand how this would be triggering.

Yeah, I think sometimes its hard to remember he has abandonment fears because he's absolutely so avoidant and always clearly running away from engulfment. I really have to visualize deep in my heart to channel my empathy and compassion muscles with him... .because when I purely observe his behavior it screams mean, rejecting, cold, detached, aloof, etc... .So he feels more like an enemy or a competitor with whom I'm trying to compete on caring the least with... .rather than someone who is struggling and needs love. I guess therein lies MY issue. I have competed with him since day one trying not to love him more than he loved me... .(this is where I see BPD traits in myself some times). Sometimes I think NPD, BPD, and Codependent are all just different sides of the same coin... .and our personality traits and attachment bonding just tweaks each of them individually to form unique expressions of the traits... .And I'm sure this isn't a new idea. I'd just like to draw a model of it.

To clarify my relationship history... .i was in a serious relationship from 2008-2012. I met expwuBPD in early 2011 and fell head over heels for him. This created a lot of issues in my seriously relationship (that I already wasn't happy in and should have left about 6 months in). And I worked really hard not to cheat or just jump out of my r-ship... .because I didn't want to be like that. We went on a "break" and I think actually broke up... .where I messed around with exuBPD and I really didn't like him that much (Was heeding the red flags) got back with my long term boyfriend... .but missed the intensity I had with exuBPD... .so eventually in 2012 jumped straight out of my old relationship into one with exuBPD... .and was in it until this year... .He proposed in fall of 2013... .and regretted it REALLY quickly out of fear... .but we really got things going good in December 2014... .and planned on Sept 2015... .he dysregulated really hard at the end of January... and totally broke up with me... .told me he didn't love me... .moved out March 1... .moved across the country in May... .got back with me over long distance... .asked me to marry him again... .(pushed hard for immediately getting married... .I declined)... .his friend came out (from here) to across the country where he was... .he asked me if it was okay to visit with her... .I said fine... .I was trying to have better confidence and he promised me nothing would come between us... .then he cheated with her... .called off our ACTUAL wedding plans... .and we haven't spoken since (2.5 months)... .and now he's back here... .and I assume he's with her... .but he still has me on his cell phone plan... .which I asked him to get me off of. Its super weird. So do I feel compounded loss. I don't think so. I really shouldn't have been in that first relationship as long as I was. We didn't have much chemistry at all and were more like friends... .I do however feel a lot of guilt and shame for abandoning him and I always feel like maybe this is karma getting me back... .but that's why I never left in 2011 when I first met exuBPD because my boyfriend at the time threatened to kill himself and I was scared... .I didn't want to be selfish... .plus exuBPD had red flags... .so it took a year and I finally went for him because I couldn't let go. To explain I thought we were meant to be together because of the way we met and all that surrounded it... .so with that plus the off the chart chemistry it felt like destiny... .although now I'm pretty sure it was just human heroin.

Wow that was alot.

[Tangy]

I'm around my son all day and he needs my attention a lot still so I understand that you can't always use your other techniques that would normally work. Something I learned is to pay attention to my physical signs that I'm getting past the point where I feel safe being able to contain my rage. For me, I start breathing faster, clench my fists and my blood pressure starts to rise making me hot. What I do when I don't have time to even think about the issue is to purposely take deep breaths (at first I felt like an idiot, but it does help tremendously) and unclench my fists. By the time I've taken 3 slow, deep breaths I've already taken myself out of the moment. But, sometimes I replay why I'm angry as soon as I calm down and have to repeat those actions. It may or may not work, but it's what I do. 

And, I don't think you sound victimy at all, you sound hurt and angry for all perfectly valid reasons. I have been round the wheel of loss more times than I can count recently and we aren't even living apart yet, next month... .I'm my own worst critic so I understand. Try your hardest not to beat yourself up or obsess over what they may or may not be doing. When I kicked my husband out last July he was trying to get this woman in less than a week out that looked like me. He was telling her how beautiful she was and everything while at the same time telling me he wanted to work things out... .He asked her and her daughter out, even though she turned him down, but didn't say a word about doing anything for his own son. How I know is he didn't change his password to his FB account. Yeah, I have all that saved to MW but don't read it because it sucks.

It has taken me a really long time, but I've realized no matter how "perfect" I could have been, it would have ended up this way because of his disorder. No matter how much I'd love to blame myself, I know the truth is it wasn't my fault. I did everything I could have plus some, like I'm sure you did too. It's not you. It is just not you.  

Thank you so much for your reply. I am happy with the way that day went. It was a good lesson for me. The next day I felt much better. I think maybe I am a consumer of the "always feel happy" culture. Feeling rage feels wrong to me, but I think it's what we do with it that counts. I felt rage that day and my boss laid into me a little... .(which never happens) and I stood it... .and I talked myself into a healthy reaction... .and now everything is fine... .so I guess HOW we behave and that we rule our emotions instead of letting them rule us is what's important. I think the day I wrote this, I felt like I needed to get rid of the emotions or I was going to die. What I learned that day... .was I survived and I felt better the next day. I guess that is distress tolerance? It makes me think how exuBPD must have felt when he would dysregulate. When he felt like he couldn't tolerate being in the relationship one day longer... .he literally had to leave. I felt like quitting my job and my master's program on Tuesday... .but guess what... .I didn't and thank goodness for that... .because by Wednesday I was back to myself.

But thank you so much again for taking time to send me a detailed reply.

[cyclistIII]

You said you were sick, too, right? I always have very low distress tolerance when I'm sick; even if everything else is going great, when I get sick I feel like I don't have the energy to deal with anything and never will... .and then if anything does go wrong or if I'm sad about something, I just feel overwhelmed. Glad you're doing better today!

I also went straight out of a previous relationship into the recent one with my xpwuBPD and I'm realizing that as I heal from that, I am also grieving the previous relationship and just feeling lonely because I haven't been single for such a long time... .

[Tangy]

You said you were sick, too, right? I always have very low distress tolerance when I'm sick; even if everything else is going great, when I get sick I feel like I don't have the energy to deal with anything and never will... .and then if anything does go wrong or if I'm sad about something, I just feel overwhelmed. Glad you're doing better today!

I also went straight out of a previous relationship into the recent one with my xpwuBPD and I'm realizing that as I heal from that, I am also grieving the previous relationship and just feeling lonely because I haven't been single for such a long time... .

Yeah I think that's part of DBT skills... .are you sick? Are you tired? Are you hungry? . But mostly I think the DayQuil and whatever is in it to make it nondrowsy really messed me up. I will never take it again. It definitely altered my mood to the negative.

I do think I have no idea how to be single anymore... .but I feel a lot of guilt for not really feeling loss over my first relationship. All I feel is guilt... .because uBPDex totally consumed me... .and still does... .and all I feel is fear that is this how uBPDex feels about me? Because sometimes I picture my old b/f sitting around waiting for my "rebound" with uBPDex to end... .but instead it went on for 3 years and we got engaged... .and I worry is this what's going to happen with my replacement... .is it repeating all over again... .just not he does to me what I did to my former boyfriend? On the flip side I wasn't trying to marry my former boyfriend... .nor was I telling him he was the one... .or having passionate sex with him... .Its so confusing.

[cyclistIII]

The guilt thing! I was with my previous ex for two years and my xwubp for ONLY TWO MONTHS, but all my heartbreak has been over the two months relationship, and sometimes I think, I am a soulless, terrible person. One of my friends (who is also friends with my previous ex) actually got mad at me for missing the BPD guy, saying the one I should be missing is the previous bf... .and yeah, that sense of "maybe I deserved this... ."

Like you said though, I never broke any promises to the previous bf, I was never dishonest with him, and I really thought the xpwuBPD was The One.

And now I am starting to miss the previous bf but I also think, no, there was something missing there; I'm just lonely. I don't need the crazy intensity of the BPD relationship, but the previous bf was the other extreme, with muted emotions and no real passions in life... .there has to be something in between, right?

and all I feel is fear that is this how uBPDex feels about me? Because sometimes I picture my old b/f sitting around waiting for my "rebound" with uBPDex to end... .but instead it went on for 3 years and we got engaged... .and I worry is this what's going to happen with my replacement... .

My strategy has been to try not to think about it (as much as possible) and also try to trust that, by the time I find out the answer, I won't care anymore.

Whether your xpwuBPD's "rebound" ends is not within your control, but whether you wind up sitting around waiting for it is. And do you really want him to come back to you? You will probably be happier if you simply move on. Easier said than done, I know (believe me I know) but try to just stay on the path and keep walking.

[toddinrochester]

I am more upset over a month and half relationship with exwBPD then when my marriage ended of 5 years. I can't explain it either. I can't talk to to friends about it. I think thats why this place has literally become my home. I feel its the only people that I know that can relate.

[Tangy]

I am more upset over a month and half relationship with exwBPD then when my marriage ended of 5 years. I can't explain it either. I can't talk to to friends about it. I think thats why this place has literally become my home. I feel its the only people that I know that can relate.

I was going to ask you what you attribute it to, but I see where you say you can't explain it. I think I can relate because I knew 2 months in with uexBPD that something wasn't right... .but I didn't want to break up because I was afraid he'd be better with someone else... .so I was hooked even after a short time.

The guilt thing! I was with my previous ex for two years and my xwubp for ONLY TWO MONTHS, but all my heartbreak has been over the two months relationship, and sometimes I think, I am a soulless, terrible person. One of my friends (who is also friends with my previous ex) actually got mad at me for missing the BPD guy, saying the one I should be missing is the previous bf... .and yeah, that sense of "maybe I deserved this... ."

Like you said though, I never broke any promises to the previous bf, I was never dishonest with him, and I really thought the xpwuBPD was The One.

And now I am starting to miss the previous bf but I also think, no, there was something missing there; I'm just lonely. I don't need the crazy intensity of the BPD relationship, but the previous bf was the other extreme, with muted emotions and no real passions in life... .there has to be something in between, right?

and all I feel is fear that is this how uBPDex feels about me? Because sometimes I picture my old b/f sitting around waiting for my "rebound" with uBPDex to end... .but instead it went on for 3 years and we got engaged... .and I worry is this what's going to happen with my replacement... .

My strategy has been to try not to think about it (as much as possible) and also try to trust that, by the time I find out the answer, I won't care anymore.

Whether your xpwuBPD's "rebound" ends is not within your control, but whether you wind up sitting around waiting for it is. And do you really want him to come back to you? You will probably be happier if you simply move on. Easier said than done, I know (believe me I know) but try to just stay on the path and keep walking.

Do you think some of it may be that I had 3 years with someone else so by the time it ended that old relationship of mine was long gone... .whereas yours lasted two months so the end of your former LTR wasn't as long ago as mine. I remember one distinct time grieving the old LTR (while I was with exBPD) and I cried HARD. Again so much was guilt but I also cried about the relationship.

And to answer you... .no I don't really want him back, but I don't want him with her either... .I don't want him to feel justified for doing what he did... .I don't want to worry that she is better than me.