Feeling blessed for having been through this. Weird?

[Michelle27]

Am I the only person who absolutely feels blessed for having been through the wringer of a relationship with a pwBPD?  Mine was undiagnosed, but I have no doubts because he fits 8 of the 9 criteria.  I now know that without having gone through what I did, I wouldn't have uncovered my own issues with my FOO, built up my own strength and self esteem as well as boundaries.  I wouldn't have fixed the parts of ME that got me involved in not one, but TWO abusive marriages (first was about control and physical abuse, 2nd was with a pwBPD) so that it never ever happens again.

I'm in Canada, and we're heading into our Thanksgiving long weekend now, and I am feeling extra thankful for where I am in my life.  I am free of my pwBPD (although much has to be worked out with the divorce etc.) and I have learned so much.   s to those who are still struggling.  I know it's hard... .some days still are for me, but I am working on focusing on the positives instead of the negaatives.

[fromheeltoheal]

Am I the only person who absolutely feels blessed for having been through the wringer of a relationship with a pwBPD?

Nope, in fact I'd say most people get there eventually, in fact it's part of a healthy detachment.  A cynical view of the way borderlines are wired is that the idealization phase is a ploy to expose a partner's vulnerability, for use later in devaluation by the borderline, to affect control over their partner.  The upside of that is that it cuts to our core, as all traumas do, and when we finally escape or get left it can initiate a period of profound opportunity and personal growth, or it can make us bitter, mean and distant; eventually seeing the whole ordeal as a gift indicates we've chosen the former.

And an existential view of the disorder is that borderlines have survived evolution because they serve a purpose; everything happens for a reason and it serves us, sometimes teachers show up in weird disguises, but they always show up when the student is ready, when there are lessons it's time to learn.  And learning them is the gift, not always easy, in fact most times not, but a blessing nonetheless.  Good for you Michelle, enjoy your Thanksgiving, and take care of you!

[Mazzy]

Am I the only person who absolutely feels blessed for having been through the wringer of a relationship with a pwBPD?  Mine was undiagnosed, but I have no doubts because he fits 8 of the 9 criteria.  I now know that without having gone through what I did, I wouldn't have uncovered my own issues with my FOO, built up my own strength and self esteem as well as boundaries.  I wouldn't have fixed the parts of ME that got me involved in not one, but TWO abusive marriages (first was about control and physical abuse, 2nd was with a pwBPD) so that it never ever happens again.

I'm in Canada, and we're heading into our Thanksgiving long weekend now, and I am feeling extra thankful for where I am in my life.  I am free of my pwBPD (although much has to be worked out with the divorce etc.) and I have learned so much.   s to those who are still struggling.  I know it's hard... .some days still are for me, but I am working on focusing on the positives instead of the negaatives.

Pretty cool being on the other side of the wringer, ain't it? Much like you, were it not for the ex, my life wouldn't be as good as it is right now. And by that I mean I'm good with myself. Good starting point for whatever comes next, right?

[Invictus01]

I do not regret one SECOND of what happened to me. I am almost a year out. Somewhere between last Thanksgiving and, let's say, Valentine's Day, I was suicidal, depressed, whatever you call, it was me. I was probably certifiably NUTS. The craziest time of my life and that's just after a short little 6 month "love of my life" relationship.

Fast forward a year. A really different person. Maybe a little bit cynical, maybe a little bit more careful, but I put myself first 99% of the time. I set a certain type of women for myself that I will never ever approach or won't even pay attention to if they approach me. I took about 15 lbs that I lost in 6 weeks after the "break up" and worked on it a little. Not that I lacked attention before, but when you best friend's wife tells you that you look "really hot", hah, that's awesome. But the most valuable thing - I have read enough on this to probably write a PhD. If somebody, anybody, who fits enough points on the list will ever show up in my life - I will walk... .or more like run. I will NOT ever put myself into the spot I was in a year ago. Not. A. Chance.

[Mutt]

Hi Michelle27,

I have no regrets with the experience either. I see it like people are in our paths in life for a reason, sometimes we have difficult people in our paths that are our teachers.

The greatest gift that I received was unlocking the truth about myself with my fear of rejection, fear of trusting others, low self worth and low self esteem.

She guided me to the answers, which stemmed in my FOO with being orphaned and emotional abuse. Its not my fault.

She teaches tolerance, patience and understanding.

Happy Thanksgiving!

[Teereese]

I am getting there. I have been focusing on me and what brought me into the relationship.

My dad is more likely than not BPD and my mom is codependent. He suffered abuse at the hands of his alcoholic, addicted parents. She was raised old school Irish Catholic - lots of guilt and shame.

They were from the era of the husband works and brings home the bacon and the wife stays home to raise the kids. Wife greets husband with apron and lipstick on, his paper next to his favorite chair, table set and dinner waiting.

He ruled his world and she straightened out the royal carpet as he walked. They loved each other and are still married - 61 years.

They are both ill now. He suffers from cancer and she suffers from Alzheimers. I love them both, flaws and all. They are who they are and I am who I am.

When I got married, they had been married for 39 years. I wanted a love and marriage like theirs.

Little did I know ... .oh, to be young.

Looking back, my r/s was doomed from the start and I held on way too long. I saw the signs, red flags and ignored my gut.

I am learning and trying to gain understanding. I know that I feel stronger and more like my self than I have in a very long time. That is a blessing.

[Darsha500]

""By means of synchronicity, relationships come along that present the next piece of some huge issue we have been carrying and carrying over, transferring it onto others. The universe seems to join us in our work and to honor our timing too. For instance, in our thirties we do some grief work about our abusive upbringing and then we come back to it in our forties from a different angle in a new relationship, job, or recent circumstance in our marriage. Then we might revisit it yet again in later life. Each time the work is complete for the time being. When we want to work on our transferences, we can trust that they will open to us at just the right time. “Hurry or delay are interferences,” says British child psychiatrist D. W. Winicott"

I too feel blessed for having been through my failed BPD relationship. Where do I even begin.

My BPD relationship was actually my first serious relationship. So going into the relationship I had virtually no experience. In fact, the night that I met my ex was one of those nights. Those nights I would be questioning, "when am I going to find someone to love and who will love me back." I was getting impatient. But the universe delivered.

I went into the relationship as a very willing and eager vulunteer. I saw all the red flags, but, being an aspiring psychotherapist, and having sucsess helping many people in the 12 step program I am a member of, I figured I could help her by giving her my unconditional positive regard, by just simply loving her. This was my approach. Though, as I learned, unconscious motivators also played a huge part in my "helping."

I threw cAution to the wind and dove into the relationship, when she asked me to be her boyfriend after only 2 weeks of meeting each other. I thought " I only live once, and I have yet to experience so much, I'm going to do this." Those beginning weeks, the honeymoon phase, as it is called, were some of the most blissful days of my life. I got to experience that love that I was hoping for. Now I know it's out there for me, I believe it. I know I'm worthy of it, I know that I can find it again, I just have to be more careful who I give my heart to.

My compassion was stretched to the brink. My mindfulness was stretched to the brink. I had to rely heavily on spiritual practices through the relationship to maintain my sanity.

I got to experiment with my sexuality to a degree unattainable before. As I was very reluctant to seek it out before our relationship. But I felt safe with her, to an extent. So I am grateful for that.

Things went to ___ in the end. I learned that idealism can be dangerous. I learned that boundaries are crucial. I am now determined to uphold my values and boundaries, to not be such a Yay sayer, or people pleaser. To not put my needs in a secondary position to others. I'm now much more assertive and less afraid to express myself. I realize the gift it is to be myself and will never forsake myself again.

I've acquired soo much self knowledge. I know myself now In a way that has only been made accessible to me from this dysfunctional relationship. I see where my issues lie. I am an "overly empathetic white knight." But I am now determined to play only the role of a "balanced rescuer" in my relationships with others. I am responsible for myself only.

I love myself so much more now. I remember reading a quote from the Buddha years ago when in the grips of a deep depression: "you more than Anyone else in the entire universe desire your own love and affection." A tear came to my eye as I realized how I had been depriving myself of love.

Now I treat myself with intense compassion. I treat myself as I would like to treat my future child. I act as my own best parent.

I put faith in myself. I do not pray that things will work out for me perfectly. Rather, I have faith that I will be able to handle all that might cross my path, and that I will be able to act constructively even in the face of tragedy.

The blessings go on and on. Many I'm sure I have yet to realize.

[purekalm]

Hello Michelle27,

I agree wholeheartedly with you actually. Yes, I may still currently be in the ending muck, but I was able to realize this during the relationship.

No one understood when I started to say that I'm actually grateful, even through all the pain, because I've grown a lot during this horrible experience. I've have learned so much about myself I may have never looked at. I finally REALLY saw and accepted that my FOO is totally and completely dysfunctional.   

 Yeah, those are the looks I received. But, without pain, how can you truly grow? How can you truly appreciate when things are good? Peace of mind is so much sweeter when you've absolutely lost every shred of sanity. At least, in my experience this has definitely been true.

Even now, I'm learning more about myself and realizing it's ok to take care of me. I finally could distinguish there is a difference between loving myself and being IN love with myself.  (I had too many people use me and never care about my needs.)

High five Michelle27! (It's what I do with my son all the time. =) Being thankful for the pain and truly moving on isn't an easy place to come to. It's a lot of work. So, CONGRATULATIONS!     

[Gonzalo]

I think the relationship did a lot for me. The worst of my codependence has been cauterized away, which was something that was bound to happen at some point. My communication skills have improved vastly (it's kind of funny dealing with non-disordered people now). I understand a lot of things about relationships, and am more willing to step away if I need to. I have a lot of confidence in my ability to cope with my own issues during high stress, as I was able to stay on top of depression/anxiety during the relationship. I have a better philosophy for partner selection, and don't feel like I have to justify my decisions to anyone any more.

Plus I got it off lightly by the standards of dealing with 8/9 symptom BPD - I'm out around $3000 ($1500 itemized that she owes me and a similar amount that I didn't track) and the time and energy for the relationship, and I'm still getting over some of the psych stuff. But I don't have any serious financial damage or entanglements, no kids to take care of for the next 18-N years, no kids or property to tie us together, no legal issues or police record, no illnesses, no injuries, and no worry about reconnect attempts.

[Tangy]

This morning I'm feeling a little like that. Each time we've had our fractures in our relationship (even when we actually stayed together and didn't break up) I've learned more and more about myself. For that I'm grateful. I hope to get to a place where I can say that overall. But I'm still hurting much of the time.

[FannyB]

But I don't have any serious financial damage or entanglements, no kids to take care of for the next 18-N years, no kids or property to tie us together, no legal issues or police record, no illnesses, no injuries, and no worry about reconnect attempts.

   

I'm in the same boat Gonzalo. I think it's easier to be positively philosophical if you've gotten off relatively lightly. If you've lost your home, kids and reputation - like some on these boards have - then letting go of the bitterness must be incredibly difficult.


Fanny

[myself]

In some ways, isn't this the same pwBPD on a different pedestal?

[Michelle27]

Thank you for all of your awesome replies.  I am glad to see the place I am in is normal and part of the healing process.  Even the day I told my stbxh that we were done, I told him I was grateful for what I went through with him on some level because it allowed me to learn what I did about myself.  I don't know that he "heard" me, as that conversation he could only focus on his feeling that I didn't give him enough of a chance to fix it.  But I was glad I said it.  I've been NC for over 3 months other than one email exchange about logistics of the separation. 

Reading about everyone's pain and anguish as they leave on this board, I hope everyone gets to a positive place of self growth.  It's been a long road.  It was over 5 years ago in my search for answers as to what was going on with my husband that I stumbled on the existence of BPD.  I remember just wanting HIM fixed and almost ignoring the things I read about my part in the dysfunction.  I just don't think I was ready for that yet.  But now that I've gotten to the point I have, and will continue as I know I'm nowhere near done my own work, I really see the whole picture. 

Thank you again.

[cj488]

Having a hard time feeling "blessed," but yes I'll admit that going through hell is always a learning experience. Can't work with the concept offered by some friends of mine, that I "created" this situation. I can agree that it takes two to tango - a co-creation, yes, and that I had issues uncovered in myself that might not have otherwise been exposed so readily. But I didn't create her parental abandonment and childhood sexual abuse, nor her Bpd, lies, and abuse. I was targeted and seduced; the red flags came later. I ended it, but not until great damage was done. I do accept now that there are persons in the world who truly believe their own lies, and that my subtle sense cannot detect this easily. I've lost any trust in others and in myself.