Realization

[Beach_Babe]

I think mine discarded me because I kept trying to force a visit. Had I backed off and left him alone, we'd probably still be talking. Too late now though. The damage is done, and my ex feels im poison. Am having a very hard time forgiving myself.

[Invictus01]

On the other hand... .Sooner or later, it would happen one way or another. Would you rather waste more time on avoiding inevitable?

[Beach_Babe]

You think so? I can't wrap my head around what made it last so long in the first place.

[JohnLove]

Oh Beach_Babe... .there's really nothing to forgive. You are BLAMING yourself... .and there is a big difference.

Because you wanted to spend time with your partner and tried to "force" the issue you are the one at fault?... .you are still battling the FOG Ms Babe. He only needed an excuse. Bait and switch is a BPD tactic.

If he wanted to spend time with you he would. Simple as that.

You are poison?  

I don't believe that for a minute.

[hollycat]

It seems to me, from reading your other posts, you do the same thing I do. You are internalizing your exBpd's opinions of you. Um, why? Knowing, as your head knows, his opinions are distorted and extreme, why would you adopt them? Please avoid thinking I am judging you; I am not! I have been there myself! Certainly, I am up at this unGodly hour because, among other things, I am crying for my BpdH, missing him, yet reminding myself of all the things about him I do NOT miss.

You are not poison. It's his thinking which is poisonous and you are best away from it. Poison kills.

[seang]

I wanted answers too, and pushed her further away.  She even said If id have just backed off, in time she would have come round?  What the heck?  Come round?  What about my feelings?  I wouldnt beat yourself up.  Like someone said earlier, it would have happened anyway.  And the cheek to say they would eventually come round and talk.  On their terms, as it is always!

No thanks.  Kind of glad i pushed now.  At least she aint going to try and recycle!

[Beach_Babe]

Wow mine was the same. What were your feelings when she was pushing you away?

[Beach_Babe]

It seems to me, from reading your other posts, you do the same thing I do. You are internalizing your exBpd's opinions of you. Um, why? Knowing, as your head knows, his opinions are distorted and extreme, why would you adopt them? Please avoid thinking I am judging you; I am not! I have been there myself! Certainly, I am up at this unGodly hour because, among other things, I am crying for my BpdH, missing him, yet reminding myself of all the things about him I do NOT miss.

You are not poison. It's his thinking which is poisonous and you are best away from it. Poison kills.

My heart breaks you are also hurting. Its hard for me to think of only the bad things because its not that black or white: people are complex. How far out are you?

JohnLove: Is it true once they find something better the switch is flipped and they are gone?

[hollycat]

Beach_Babe, we separated on June 29th. We were married, at that point, less than 2 years. It is very difficult to see only the bad, that is why we are hurting.  They are very complex people; for me, that is part of the charm. However, my head knows he is bad for me and I truly do not want to live with his mess, his rages, his extreme views, his control issues.  When I think logically, the bad outweighs the good.  He came back to Florida unexpectedly a couple weeks ago and brought me some of my things and took the rest of his stuff away. He spent the night and yes, we behaved as a married couple.  Good? mostly yes. I could pat his face and look into his beautiful grey eyes. Frustrating?  yes, when he kept insisting on talking about the same toxic subjects. But at 3 am, i really miss curling up against him. No one else seems to fit.

[Beach_Babe]

Ooh grey eyes?  Sounds handsome.

[Mutt]

Had I backed off and left him alone, we'd probably still be talking. Too late now though.

Hi Beach_Babe,

I can relate with missing a significant other that was a part of our lives.

You had a long history with your ex and a relationship is thousands of transactions between two people. I don't think that a single interaction is a deal breaker but likely many compounded issues in a relationship that results in a break-up. A relationship takes two people. Don't be hard on yourself.

If you step back and look at the bigger picture, was there resentment brewing under the surface, lack of communication, unresolved issues, conflict in values, etc?

[hollycat]

Yes, Beach, he is handsome. And he has a genius level IQ. In so many ways, he is my soul mate. He is everything I ever wanted in a man. EXCEPT:

paranoia: i have people outside the house watching him

delusions: he worked "like a Greek slave" and his time is worth "$1000 per hour"

cursing and vulgarity in every single sentence

the rages

the tantrums

the criticisms of me: I didn't listen to him; I ignored him; I was not a cooperative partner; I was abusive and neglectful because I worked outside the home and left him alone. I didn't pay attention.

the weird sex; the porn

the control issues: sleep with our heads facing north; I could not wear makeup or perfume; we could not shop at Walmart, Best Buy or Home Depot; what I ate and when I ate it; no TV

the extreme views: all food is toxic, society is toxic, consumerism

the poor hygiene: wouldn't brush teeth with toothpaste, didn't like to shower

the ADD, the autism, the inability to feel pleasure

so how much is a pretty face worth?

[hollycat]

I almost forgot.

The splitting white: Holly the Goddess

The splitting black: Holly the despicable lying thief

the huge lies he told, which his long estranged brother revealed to me in more than 2 hour phone conversation one evening.

Again, how much are those beautiful grey eyes worth to me?

I must choose ME.  Apparently I have some sense of self preservation left.

[Beach_Babe]

Yes, Beach, he is handsome. And he has a genius level IQ. In so many ways, he is my soul mate. He is everything I ever wanted in a man. EXCEPT:

paranoia: i have people outside the house watching him

delusions: he worked "like a Greek slave" and his time is worth "$1000 per hour"

cursing and vulgarity in every single sentence

the rages

the tantrums

the criticisms of me: I didn't listen to him; I ignored him; I was not a cooperative partner; I was abusive and neglectful because I worked outside the home and left him alone. I didn't pay attention.

the weird sex; the porn

the control issues: sleep with our heads facing north; I could not wear makeup or perfume; we could not shop at Walmart, Best Buy or Home Depot; what I ate and when I ate it; no TV

the extreme views: all food is toxic, society is toxic, consumerism

the poor hygiene: wouldn't brush teeth with toothpaste, didn't like to shower

the ADD, the autism, the inability to feel pleasure

so how much is a pretty face worth?

good god that is is bad! Wow. I am so sorry! How did you do it?

Mutt: I was devalued over a one year period. Maybe it is a gift he never returned?

[hollycat]

I stayed with him for almost 3 years. I did it because I love him. Because for a short time, he was very good to me. Who wouldn't enjoy being treated like a goddess? I also feel huge compassion for him. He is so messed up. He taught me ALOT. How to be much more patient that I ever was. How to speak more kindly to people. How to keep my temper when a temper is flaring around me. Bad things he taught me: how to hate myself, how to crave the good opinion of someone whose good opinion is never attainable.

From being on this board, I certainly have started to realize how much my own messed up parents contributed to me being in a relationship with a pwBpd. 

I could be back with him. I could text him and say: come home to Florida. I will not. I will not subject myself to him.  At the worst times, when we argued and I was so frustrated and sad, because I was doing all I could to please him and it was never enough. Not even close.  I wanted to die. I felt like such a failure. Since our separation, I have wanted to live. I will never again be in a relationship with someone who makes me feel like dying.

So again, how much are his beautiful eyes worth to me?

[SummerStorm]

I think mine discarded me because I kept trying to force a visit. Had I backed off and left him alone, we'd probably still be talking. Too late now though. The damage is done, and my ex feels im poison. Am having a very hard time forgiving myself.

This also true in my case.  But think about how silly this is.  We talk to/visit people we care about.  That's what humans do.  Back in June, I was discarded by my former friend because I kept trying to hang out with her.  After she resumed contact with me, it was clear that she had no intention of texting me as often as she used to.  Eventually, I was discarded again. 

There's no winning with them.