Is this a bad idea?

[klacey3]

After all the times my ex wound me up during the relationship when he was angry telling me how he would meet his ex if I didnt see him that night, that he would bring her to family parties etc because she was better than me, how he always cared about her, that she kept initiating contact with him because she wanted him back and that she asked to meet him several times, he bought her expensive presents and met her and got back with her while he was accusing me of cheating. He would later tell me that it wasnt true.

I have never spoken to her or met her before but I am tempted to  message her on facebook to find out the truth about whether something was going on with them while I was with him. The plus side is that I would finally know the truth but the downside is that he recently emailed to say she has cost him me so he gives me permission to message her (i havent said I wanted to, but a fee times when I was with him i told him i wanted to talk to her myself , but I never did) The fact he offered suggests he had already planned for it and will be saying stuff about me to her ...

I just want to know the truth so that I can stop wondering... is it a bad idea to ask his ex whether the things he said about possible cheating with her was true?

[Darsha500]

The thought of contacting my ex's exs has occurred to me many times. I've even gone as far as tryin to find her ex husband on Facebook.

However, I always drop the idea moments after it crops up. I personally feel that no good will come of knowing more details. The added details would simply add more bile to an already seething cauldron of sh!t and proceed to stir it up. (Sorry if the imagery offends, but I think it's an apt metaphor).

I think about the crazy stuff my ex told me, and I am convinced that I got the watered down version. I am already disgusted, I don't want to make myself throw up.

At first I thought re reading old text transcripts might give me more closure. It didn't. It revealed how icky she truly is, ickiness i was to naive to see at the time.

I would recommend not contacting the ex, because I doubt any good would come of it. But that's just me. Others may have different views you could benefit from hearing.

[Panda39]

... .he gives me permission to message her... .

I'm the suspicious type and this sounds like a set up to me, I don't think anything good will come of contacting her either.  Besides I say look and move forward don't look back.

Panda39

[fromheeltoheal]

I just want to know the truth so that I can stop wondering

Is that the only way to stop wondering klacey?  I agree with Panda in that if you focus on the future, one you're inspired by that doesn't include him, what he did or didn't do won't matter, and you'll stop wondering.  Reading emails from him and giving weight to his permissions isn't helping with your emotional detachment either, which is really what we're all doing here.  If you were to make your emotional detachment from him and the relationship the number one priority, and make decisions from that place, would messaging her be a good idea?

[myself]

Not having met or known her, how would you be able to tell if she was offering the truth? Or if she's overly co-dependent with him, willingly participating in a triangle situation to make him more hers than yours, or... .It's your call, but I agree with the others. Leave that mess in the past. You probably already have more than enough truth to process this/let go.

[Mutt]

After all the times my ex wound me up during the relationship when he was angry telling me how he would meet his ex if I didnt see him that night, that he would bring her to family parties etc

Hi klacey3,

I recall these fights. He sounds impulsive.

[Herodias]

If you are truly done with him and can handle what you hear, I would do it. Maybe I am the only one, but I keep wondering if the current gf will contact me. I would be open to it. I have always been confrontational about this stuff though and I want to know the truth too. I am leaving my ex and his gf alone now... .because she is keeping him away from me. If she were to contact me, I would tell her the truth. I have heard of ex partners of people comparing notes to get closure. You have to be done with him though... .

[shatra]

from heel wrote--

if you focus on the future, one you're inspired by that doesn't include him, what he did or didn't do won't matter, and you'll stop wondering.

----But what he did or didn't do does matter. She had a relationship with him, and what happened in the relationship can affect her memory of it, and affect her  focusing on the future.  If it turns out he was cheating and doing other negative things, it might be better to know that, and review the relationshp for what it truly was.  It also might help her make more sense of the question marks that reamain now because right now she doesn't know the details of his connection with the other person.

[fromheeltoheal]

from heel wrote--

if you focus on the future, one you're inspired by that doesn't include him, what he did or didn't do won't matter, and you'll stop wondering.

----But what he did or didn't do does matter. She had a relationship with him, and what happened in the relationship can affect her memory of it, and affect her  focusing on the future.  If it turns out he was cheating and doing other negative things, it might be better to know that, and review the relationshp for what it truly was.  It also might help her make more sense of the question marks that reamain now because right now she doesn't know the details of his connection with the other person.

That's true, assuming everyone is telling the truth and has klacey's best interest at heart, neither of which may be the case.  Also, any contact with her will continue the triangulation.  Once a borderline is triggered, once both partners are triggered near the end, the gaslighting, the lies, the manipulation, the self-protection and self-preservation, both ways, certainly true in my case, makes leaving it all alone the best course, the easiest course, for everyone, and continuing interaction on any level once the wheels have fallen off the relationship just prolongs a healthy detachment.  

And there's what happens and what we make it mean, two different things.  There are countless stories here of folks who wanted satisfactory closure to the relationship and never got it, so we get to give it to ourselves, which ends up being more powerful, and one of the initial steps in creating the life of our dreams moving forward.

[klacey3]

I agree with blueheron and shatra that I think it will help. If he has been trying it on with his ex the whole time I was with it might help me to detach and ignore him begging for me back. If she is angry or doesnt believe anything I say I will know for sure the sort of thing he has been saying about me. If he hasnt cheated and she actually hasnt heard from him in ages then I know  it was all a game to upset me. He told me that her Mum was in a coma and he doesnt want to shut her out because she might need him to talk to about her Mum. Well I just saw her mums picture on facebook and she is posting pictures of her and her family around the house...

We could compare stories... he told me she accused him of rape which I think I really deserve to know aswell tbh.

Im not sure... part of me is worried this may be a trick though as he said 'if i gave you permission to talk to her would it change anything' i dont know why he would offer...

What are the problems if I do message that other people have faced?

[Darsha500]

Klacey,

You have a point, I won't deny that. My story may help you with your decision.

When me and my ex split for the third time, she broke up with me without telling me exactly why. She wanted to see me in person, but, knowing what was coming, and having gotten myself in a car accident once before do the grief from our last breakup, I told her I was unwilling drive out to see her. I blocked her after she said we were through.

Well, she was able to contact me again and wanted to see me. Though my gut urged me not to, I complied. It was then I found out the truth about her cheating. It felt like a shotgun blast to the heart.

I've expressed remorse and regret for not listening to my gut, for not staying no contact. However, others on this site have advised me that it may have been for the best that I found out the truth. She even told me that her intention behind telling me was so that I wouldn't be left, "pining for her." I found this to be ridiculous. She would have spared me so much pain had she not attempted to reel me back in. It was my choice to return though, so I accept the consequences.

My grieving has been multiplied by 100 due to the truth. Honestly, I think about it all the time. "Why did you return to her darsha?" Apparently I had to bludgeon my heart beyond repair inorder to be rid of every last shred of hope.

Still though, the bulk of my grief has centered on her betrayal. On the ghastly truth. I sincerely believe my grief would have been cut in half if it were not for the knowledge.

On the other hand, was it not enevitable that I returned? Was it destined due to my personality? Does it matter? It happened, it all happened.

If you go forward with your decision to seek answers, just know that the truth you find may be disturbing. Proceed at your own risk.

It seems your aware of this though, you are prepared for the worst. You want to know the details.

It's a very personal decision.

[shatra]

and met her and got back with her while he was accusing me of cheating. He would later tell me that it wasnt true.

-----What wasn't true---that he met her and got back with her?

-----What would be the worst case scenario if you contact her and get answers about what happened?

[Herodias]

She may or may not respond. Mine told me all kinds of lies! She probably knows he lies as well. He may be telling you to do it, because he thinks you won't. I think that is the case with mine as well. He could also tell you to do it to triangulate like people have said, because he may get pleasure in the drama it creates. Sometimes I think mine wanted me to handle things because he would get so caught up with different women and couldn't get put of it, so he would get me involved to end it with them for him! I didn't realize this at the time. He has told me his new gf knows things about him that I don't believe she knows... .just so I won't tell her! It worked, because if I were to decide to tell her and she already knows, I look like a jerk. He knows I won't do it in this case. He told me he can manipulate people and he is right... .he knows what he is doing.

[klacey3]

and met her and got back with her while he was accusing me of cheating. He would later tell me that it wasnt true.

-----What wasn't true---that he met her and got back with her?

-----What would be the worst case scenario if you contact her and get answers about what happened?

I want to know whether she really did accuse him of rape to the police. Though there could be a massive backlash with asking her that if its true or not... so I am not sure whether I would ask that.

He said how she kept asking him to.meet up during our relationship and during rages he would say all this nice stuff about her and how he still loves her etc and threatened to meet her and call her. He wouldn't actually tell me whether this was true or not. He says all sorts of vague things with no explanation that is contradictory I just want to know what happened. I dont even know how to word what I would say without sounding crazy?

The worst case ... she calls me crazy, gets angry, tells him I have contacted her, he gets angry and turns up at my house to argue about it and I wouldnt have a case with the police to get him to leave me alone because I messaged his ex.

[RedDove]

I think at the end of the day, you have to do what you feel is right for you. I would caution you, as others have, it may be your ex creating a Karpman Drama Triangle with you and the other woman. Or, he's hoping you won't call his bluff. They love to create drama and have multiple women compete for them and prove their love. They want the attention.

I would create a list of Pro's and Con's of contacting the other woman. I would also advise you to be prepared for the worst case scenario. Which is likely he was carrying on an encounter with both of you at the same time. I'm speaking from my own recent personal experience.

You can read my post titled "Met with exBPDbf's best friend and now we know everything". My exBPDbf's best friend contacted me on FB. For the past year I tried to build a friendship with me exBPDbf. However, due to our 4 year encounter and many past recycles, I got sucked back in. He started love bombing me and we slept together. Only to find out from the best friend, exBPDbf is not only still involved with my replacement, BUT, he's been LIVING with her for a YEAR! He led me to believe he was in therapy and living at his sisters house. So many lies and deceit over the past year.

Needless to say, uncovering the truth from the best friend was extremely painful and gut wrenching for me. His best friend also told me my exBPDbf can never be with just woman, there are always multiple. He's been with 100's of women. I can tell you that I'm disgusted and repulsed by what I've learned. The truth has left me so hurt and angry. I have no desire to contact him, nor ever hear from my exBPDbf again.

Like I said to you, do your Pro's and Con's... .weigh out the worst case scenario. Will it help you to move forward, or pull you back into the drama. Just be prepared that what you hear may or may not be the truth, and may not be what you want to hear. The other woman likely has an ulterior motive because she wants your ex.

I thought about contacting the other woman my ex is living with to tell her he lied and cheated on her. However, I know full well that my exBPDbf has likely already told her I'm the crazy one, or an ex who still has feelings. There's just no point. I've gone no contact and with the support here and from friends, I'm hopeful I can begin to heal and move forward.

[klacey3]

I think at the end of the day, you have to do what you feel is right for you. I would caution you, as others have, it may be your ex creating a Karpman Drama Triangle with you and the other woman. Or, he's hoping you won't call his bluff. They love to create drama and have multiple women compete for them and prove their love. They want the attention.

I would create a list of Pro's and Con's of contacting the other woman. I would also advise you to be prepared for the worst case scenario. Which is likely he was carrying on an encounter with both of you at the same time. I'm speaking from my own recent personal experience.

You can read my post titled "Met with exBPDbf's best friend and now we know everything". My exBPDbf's best friend contacted me on FB. For the past year I tried to build a friendship with me exBPDbf. However, due to our 4 year encounter and many past recycles, I got sucked back in. He started love bombing me and we slept together. Only to find out from the best friend, exBPDbf is not only still involved with my replacement, BUT, he's been LIVING with her for a YEAR! He led me to believe he was in therapy and living at his sisters house. So many lies and deceit over the past year.

Needless to say, uncovering the truth from the best friend was extremely painful and gut wrenching for me. His best friend also told me my exBPDbf can never be with just woman, there are always multiple. He's been with 100's of women. I can tell you that I'm disgusted and repulsed by what I've learned. The truth has left me so hurt and angry. I have no desire to contact him, nor ever hear from my exBPDbf again.

Like I said to you, do your Pro's and Con's... .weigh out the worst case scenario. Will it help you to move forward, or pull you back into the drama. Just be prepared that what you hear may or may not be the truth, and may not be what you want to hear. The other woman likely has an ulterior motive because she wants your ex.

I thought about contacting the other woman my ex is living with to tell her he lied and cheated on her. However, I know full well that my exBPDbf has likely already told her I'm the crazy one, or an ex who still has feelings. There's just no point. I've gone no contact and with the support here and from friends, I'm hopeful I can begin to heal and move forward.

Thanks reddove you have given me lots to think about.

Thinking about it, I agree it seems very much like a trap. It reminded me of a situation 6 weeks after we broke up he said "I slept with someone else while you were on holiday during our relationship. Ask *his friends name* I told them all about it ". Also not long into the relationship he told me someone had flirted with him so I messaged them and they showed me a conversation where actually he had been flirting with them and them turning him down. She told me that maybe he could do better than me... I was the one with the boyfriend who had flirted with another girl, how is it that he can do better than me? Because he must have been slating me as a crazy psycho gf and me asking her about flirting with him supported what he probably told her...

What you said reminded me that couple of months into the breakup, despite me telling him that I wanted to be left alone because I was currently looking after my family member who was diagnosed with a late stage metastatic cancer, my ex had responded by telling me awful things about how he kissed someone else in the morning of his birthday before seeing me, that he used to bring other girls back to his house several times and no-one cared he was cheating, that he never liked my personality, he would always only love his ex, he slept with someone while I was on holiday and how funny it all was, and how he took other girls to places that he never took me and knew I wanted to go to because he thought I was boring and didnt like spending time with me.

His ex who he particularly liked winding me up about... well I looked through his messages once and saw that he had told another girl that he loved them at the same time as he was in a relationship with this 'love of his life'. He wound me up about her but when he was in a relationship with her he told another girl he loved them.

Remembering those times alone makes me feel sick and puts me back into denial mood because its too painful to accept. so I think those who ask whether I could handle the truth may be right.

Overall I think that actually I know enough. What he did or didnt do, he said the most hurtful things during a really traumatic time and anyone that could do that is capable of anything. No matter what he did or didnt do, he has probably treated other girls the same and will probably continue this pattern. I just have to accept that for now I have to accept that I don't know what really happened whether he cheated or not. Im not gonna fall into his trap as hes been telling stories about me, I will just come across as crazy. Somehow I have just got to let it all go without ever knowing the truth...

[fromheeltoheal]

Seems to me he found ways to "wind you up", and it worked, it touched a part of you that could be "wound up", he did it for his own reasons, and he's still doing it, it's got you thinking about contacting "her".  That rollercoaster will never stop, but you are free to get off any time you want.

Somehow I have just got to let it all go without ever knowing the truth...

Awesome plan!  And part of taking your power back, as you dig to discover what part of you allowed someone to wind you up as much as he did.