I hear emotional dysregulation and projection.
What's the back story?
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Mutt,
I definitely triggered her, and I know that now. I'm an empath and also struggle with anxiety, mild depression, and low self-esteem. So, whenever she texts me and says that she is struggling with something, I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders and I worry constantly about how she's doing.
After not speaking for most of the summer, we began texting again in early August, after she broke up with her boyfriend. She needed a place to live and was having a hard time finding one. I tried to be understanding and to offer my support. However, at the same time, I knew that I was probably contacting her more often than I should have and was usually the one who began a text conversation. She was always the one to end the conversation.
A few days before her birthday, I texted her and said that I sometimes forget that we aren't friends anymore and text her like we are. She replied, "Why aren't we friends? I thought we were." I didn't know what to say, so I went all day without replying. That night, I texted her and said, "Because you ended our friendship in June. I was upset and confused all summer. Are we friendly? Yes. Can we be friends? I don't know. Maybe." That was on a Tuesday night, I think. She ignored my texts the next day. On Thursday morning, the day before her birthday, I texted her and said, "At least let me know that you're okay." She replied, "I'm fine. I'm moving into my new apartment next weekend." I asked her where she was moving, and she told me. I said, "That's a nice town." She replied, "Most of it is." I sent a few other texts, and she stopped replying. Later that evening, I sent a few more texts and got no reply.
The next morning, when I got up for work, I sent her a happy birthday text, featuring a picture of a cat with a unicorn horn (references to things from our friendship). She didn't reply, and throughout the day, I sent her texts, each one increasing in annoyance. After not getting replies all day, I texted her around midnight and asked why I was getting the ST. She replied, "Because I've been letting people read your texts all day, and they've unanimously decided that you're crazy." I then fell right into JADE, which is something that's pretty hard to avoid at midnight, after not hearing from someone all day. Among other things, I said, "You can't kick someone out of your life and then just expect to be friends again." I added, "A simple thank you for wishing you a happy birthday would have been nice." She replied, "I was sleeping all morning. Also, I don't want to be friends with you, so stop assuming things."
Five days later, I apologized for some of the things I said to her throughout the day because they definitely were out of line and asked her a question about a student she had in class last year. After replying but not actually answering my questions, her last reply was, "Ok." That's the last thing I heard from her, almost five weeks ago.
The next day, I found out from her ex-boyfriend that, on her birthday, she went to his house when he was at work, a month after they broke up, and stole $300 from him.
So, I think this has been a mixture of abandonment fears (my comment about us not being friends) and shame (the feeling that she's a bad person for various reasons, especially stealing from the man who saved her life back in June). She has a new boyfriend now, so I'm sure she's in the idealization phase right now and has probably painted most people black. She also refuses to communicate with her ex-boyfriend.
Over the summer, we didn't communicate for about five weeks. I know she was giving me the ST for at least a week or so after she ended our friendship because I texted her and she didn't reply. Eventually, I stopped texting her. Eventually, she sent me a card, and when I texted her to thank her, she replied. So, even though she was telling her ex-boyfriend that I'm crazy, she didn't delete my contact info or block me. A few weeks later, I asked her a question and got a reply of "No." I sent her a few more texts and didn't hear from her. A few days later, she texted me. Since she stopped replying to me five weeks ago, I've sent her several texts, all of them unanswered. Because I stopped texting her during the summer, I can't really compare this current situation to back then. It's quite possible that I would have gotten the silent treatment all summer, too. Of course, she may have also blocked me.
Her ex and I agree that her emotional dysregulation got worse after she was in the psych ward and was diagnosed with BPD. Her rages and physical abuse towards him increased in severity and regularity. Her hygiene decreased as her drug use increased.
She once told me that she dyes her hair after she's gone through a bout of depression. She's been dyeing it constantly recently and chopped all her hair off in July. Her physical appearance has definitely decreased as well in the past few months.
This discard is much different than last time. Last time, she was full of rage, feeling engulfed by me, and idealizing her now ex-boyfriend. This time, it was all projection and shame.
