The danger of looking back- breaking no contact.

[Logic]

So think back to almost any relationship you've ever had that ended. Particularly anyone's where the other person was unfaithful or just seemed plain unaffected as you by the breakup. It hurt like hell didn't it? And at times a lot of us feel hatred for the person on the opposite end of our misery. After the hate, MOST of us start to look at ourselves and our roles in the relationship... Even if it's not taking ownership of being at fault,  we at least visualize scenarios where we could have been better. Maybe said something this way instead of that way etc... .it's because of this self inventory that our hate for this other person begins to deflate as we accept some of the fault in the failure. Some of us will even get back with the person we hated at this point... .Here's the thing... .ppl with BPD NEVER TAKE ANY OF THE BLAME FOR WHAT HAPPENED BETWEEN YOU TWO!... .THat personal evaluation stage I just named NEVER happens!... .I want you to go back briefly and visualize that fresh pain and anger you have immediately following a breakup... .Well guess what, if you decide to reconnect with an exBPD that pain and anger is still in them, and STILL your fault!... .They may hide it as much as they can initially, but they have not forgiven you for WHAT YOU DID TO THEM!... .scary thought right?... .not telling anyone to stay away... .we're all grown... .but NEVER forget this person has a mental disorder... .

[JohnnyShoes]

So think back to almost any relationship you've ever had that ended. Particularly anyone's where the other person was unfaithful or just seemed plain unaffected as you by the breakup. It hurt like hell didn't it? And at times a lot of us feel hatred for the person on the opposite end of our misery. After the hate, MOST of us start to look at ourselves and our roles in the relationship... Even if it's not taking ownership of being at fault,  we at least visualize scenarios where we could have been better. Maybe said something this way instead of that way etc... .it's because of this self inventory that our hate for this other person begins to deflate as we accept some of the fault in the failure. Some of us will even get back with the person we hated at this point... .Here's the thing... .ppl with BPD NEVER TAKE ANY OF THE BLAME FOR WHAT HAPPENED BETWEEN YOU TWO!... .THat personal evaluation stage I just named NEVER happens!... .I want you to go back briefly and visualize that fresh pain and anger you have immediately following a breakup... .Well guess what, if you decide to reconnect with an exBPD that pain and anger is still in them, and STILL your fault!... .They may hide it as much as they can initially, but they have not forgiven you for WHAT YOU DID TO THEM!... .scary thought right?... .not telling anyone to stay away... .we're all grown... .but NEVER forget this person has a mental disorder... .

Well said Logic!

[Logic]

Thank you... .if anyone can confirm this is the real and not just a figment of my logic I'd appreciate the read.

[stacma04]

Logic, I completly agree. My ex would break up with me ever few months or so, and it was always because of me. He would always say, we are not compatible," I cant commit to you"," you are not the one for me", "you give me anxiety", "You have too many issues", but could never tell me what issues I had, "You are a distraction for me, I'm trying to change you" I'm trying to help you be better" It was never him. He never once said to me, You know what "We have some issues  that we need to work out in our relationship or we need to talk or we need to XYZ.

During my finale discard I finally said to him "You are the one doing this, why do You keep running away from me? of course no answer and one month later he was engaged to the OW he went back to. Not sure if he did this because he wants to feel some sense of normalcy or he he was trying to send me an indirect message that it really  was me, but I know that discard annoyed me more than anything. I was really upset with myself for breaking NC going back into the fire after several months only to be discarded ruthlessly the last time. I will never forget that pain I felt. I think I will always hold on to that. He;s probably married now but I know I would never cause myself that pain again by having contact. Do they ever forget what they think you did to them? No, I think my ex only came back because I went NC for several months, even moved out without him knowing about it. I just couldn't take it anymore and felt I needed to get away. Yes he came back to hurt me one finale time because in his mind he wanted to inflict the same pain that I apparently inflicted on him for those months of NC.

When I think about it, yes its very scary.

[Logic]

Thanks stac... .do they ever forget?... .not sure... I've read sociopaths don't and I loosely equate the two disorders... .I've never fully gone back... .why I'm curious to hear from those who can confirm or disagree. I ran as soon as I THOUGHT this may have been what I was experiencing... .thank u all

[myself]

I definitely agree with you, having lived through it in my r/s.

I'd add that pwBPD do have moments of honest self-reflection.

But the disorder shuts it down pretty quickly, and the cycles repeat.

[EaglesJuju]

Here's the thing... .ppl with BPD NEVER TAKE ANY OF THE BLAME FOR WHAT HAPPENED BETWEEN YOU TWO!... .THat personal evaluation stage I just named NEVER happens!... .I want you to go back briefly and visualize that fresh pain and anger you have immediately following a breakup... .Well guess what, if you decide to reconnect with an exBPD that pain and anger is still in them, and STILL your fault!... .They may hide it as much as they can initially, but they have not forgiven you for WHAT YOU DID TO THEM!... .scary thought right?... .not telling anyone to stay away... .we're all grown... .but NEVER forget this person has a mental disorder... .

PwBPD tend to have an enormous amount of self-loathing and shame. Honestly, they hate themselves more than you ever could. For those pwBPD that have an exorbitant amount of shame and guilt,  feel shame and guilt for their existence.They do blame themselves for things, but it tends to be internalized quite often. Other pwBPD externalize their self-loathing/shame through self-harm, self-sabotage, and other maladaptive behavior. Yes, pwBPD do have issues with object constancy and can split their partner black,but shame and self-loathing factor in heavily when it comes to avoidance behaviors.

From my experience, my pwBPD took full responsibility for his behavior.  He admitted that he was wrong for constantly blaming me for his problems.

Thanks stac... .do they ever forget?... .not sure... I've read sociopaths don't and I loosely equate the two disorders... .

ASPD (psychopathy/sociopathy) is completely different from BPD.

[Mutt]

Hi Logic,

I want you to go back briefly and visualize that fresh pain and anger you have immediately following a breakup... .Well guess what, if you decide to reconnect with an exBPD that pain and anger is still in them, and STILL your fault!

The bond that we had with early caregivers can play a role later in life with how we cope after the break-up with a non-disordered or disorded partner and the emotional distress, unhealthy coping patterns or relationship recycles. Here's an article that will help identify attachment styles.

Understanding Our Attachment Styles in Romantic Relationships

[sadandbroken]

Is it different when they take responsibility?I dated a man for a year and never once had a fight or any issues that were noticeable.After a year of dating he didn't respond one night to a message.I had never had that happen.The following day I noticed marks on his neck and confronted him.Following that he said he had allowed his stress to get to him and he had a temper tantrum.He seemed so calm and collect and hearing this was unbelievable.I had a hard time with this and asked him for space.After looking things up on line and putting together some of the things he had said while in his cycle I confronted him and asked him if he had BPD.He admitted to this and said he had stopped seeing his therapist because he thought he was better.He has told me several times that I deserve so much better and that he is sorry for what he did.He also said that he let me in closer than any one.Its been 2weeks now and he has not attempted to contact me.Its all so strange to go from wonderful to this with no warning.I could be more angry I guess if he had called me names or I had wittnessed his rage but this is all so hard to imagine.I am having a hard time thinking this person is anything but the disorder itself.

[Bigmd]

I made the mistake of breaking no contact about 2.5 months post break up . I was doing fine before it . One night I was drinking and sent an innocent text asking if she got her house key in the mail. When she responded I immediately got a rush of old feelings. I actually started shaking . I made the mistake of pouring out some feelings and trying to talk to her like maybe she wasnt borderline. She couldn't have been colder. Said that door was closed and she doesn't think of it anymore. Blamed me still for the end of relationship , telling me I had a "distinct" way of handling things. Lol go figure.

         Anyway that set me back a little. Two weeks later I'm starting to feel better.