My exBPD (Narcissistic Traits) asking for help again, she is in so much trouble

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I feel terrible standing on the sidelines and watching her go down, her opportunities to reach her dreams are fading away (but this is the 4th time she has  chance now to make a difference in her life), but literally every thing I have done to try help her, never makes a difference. The next week, or even days later she is back into the same mess, needing more money and draining me of energy, time while withholding love and displaying a total lack of empathy to my career, and life.

If i help her now, I scrw myself over, and it likely won't even matter. She doesn't change her behaviour.

[daz_bpd]

I feel terrible standing on the sidelines and watching her go down, her opportunities to reach her dreams are fading away (but this is the 4th time she has  chance now to make a difference in her life), but literally every thing I have done to try help her, never makes a difference. The next week, or even days later she is back into the same mess, needing more money and draining me of energy, time while withholding love and displaying a total lack of empathy to my career, and life.

If i help her now, I scrw myself over, and it likely won't even matter. She doesn't change her behaviour.

[GaGrl]

So your "goodbye" message to her was not really good-bye?

[Michelle27]

As in everything in life, you have a choice.  If you truly thinking helping her won't make a difference, then what difference will it make except to screw yourself over.  She doesn't have to have that kind of power over you if you don't want it to. 

[AsGoodAsItGets]

Its hatd to give imput.  My ex did sctew me, but i did save her life, and i do  honor the love,  yet, i get it.  Could you give us so more details.

[pallavirajsinghani]

Hello daz-BPD:  I am sorry to see you in pain.  I posted a long reply and then lost it... .so to summarize that lengthy post:

1)  Your desire to save her reflects your morality, your empathy, your sensitivity towards the pain of the fellow man.  This is the best part of you.

2) At the same time, it is important to accept your own limitations... .you are not a magician who can magically make her whole.  You are not God.  You are not a trained clinician.  You can love her, but you cannot change her. Love unfortunately, does not conquer mental illness. Only she can change herself.

3) On a plane, the passengers are told to place the oxygen mask on themselves before they put it on their children... .I always thought of this as a very selfish instruction and thought to myself that I would NEVER do it.  In a crisis, I want to save my child first.  Over the years I came to understand that you cannot save another person until you save yourself... .it is ok to put the oxygen mask on yourself first because then 2 people may be saved vs. both dying.

So clearly, it is time for you to put the oxygen mask on yourself first.  This is not selfishness, or lack of love. This is respecting your own personhood... .for you are no less important to the universe than she is.

She is intrinsically worthy as a human being as are you.

The following story may help present this dilemma... .www.thecruxmovie.com/pdf/TheBridgeShortStory.pdf

[daz_bpd]

Okay so now i must just learn to carry and let go of the inevitable pain and guilt that will follow this ordeal. Because she is suffering right now, her dreams and career are likely over, and im Letting Go... .

[ReluctantSurvivor]

I feel terrible standing on the sidelines and watching her go down, her opportunities to reach her dreams are fading away (but this is the 4th time she has  chance now to make a difference in her life), but literally every thing I have done to try help her, never makes a difference. The next week, or even days later she is back into the same mess, needing more money and draining me of energy, time while withholding love and displaying a total lack of empathy to my career, and life.

If i help her now, I scrw myself over, and it likely won't even matter. She doesn't change her behaviour.

Hi Daz,

 I am sorry that you are feeling terrible over this.  It is painful to watch some one we care about suffer.  You say this is the 4th time she has had a chance to improve her life, that her behavior will not change.  If you do help, you will be abused (neglect, betrayal trauma from withholding love, disregard) and be in pain regardless.  BPDs and cluster Bs as well as the spectrum of PDs have traits to be eternal victims.  Self sabotage is a tool they use to get attention, pity, narcissistic and or borderline supply.  If you do "jump into the fire" you will be burned and she will likely jump back in.  This can be seen as enabling behavior.  So long as someone with a PD can use their own poor choices to draw in empathetic people as rescuers then no attempt will be made to grow and solve their own problems.

It is very painful to watch.  It is painful to help.  Love yourself first and foremost.  If that means setting stronger boundaries then so be it.  Sometimes you have to protect your own good heart from those who would mistreat it, use it, feed on it and toss it aside when done.

Have you been through this behavior with her before?  :)id you come to the rescue then?  How did it make you feel?  :)id it make any lasting difference to her and her behavior?