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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: I just want to know if my ex misses me.  (Read 6519 times)
Freeatlast_1
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« on: October 29, 2015, 08:47:06 PM »

I just want to know if my ex misses me. Do BPDs ever remember good times? I know my ex had the "ouf of side out of mind" thing and she told me about it. But I was her first love and "love of her life", do I hold any significance in her mind? I know I know... .gotta focus on me now... .and I am. I am doing a great job moving on. I am imagining her with others all the time, and I'm actually OK with it, and that's not how I was last wk. But I wonder if she wants to text me and holding back... .or if she doesn't care at all... .am I a thing of the past? or is she also trying not to call me. I know she does feel her emotions... .

I want to hear a BPD perspective... .how did you feel after your "best" relationship ended?
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balletomane
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« Reply #1 on: October 29, 2015, 08:59:05 PM »

I know three people with BPD: my ex, a friend, and a friend's mother. They are all very different people. The disorder manifests itself in different ways, so much as it might hurt to hear, I don't think any person with BPD can give you the closure you're looking for here. I know it's hard. I wonder sometimes if my ex ever thinks of me. It hurts like hell to realise he probably talks to his new gf about me in the way he talked to me about his exes. I try to tell myself that it doesn't matter, what matters is me and my life. But it does matter when you loved someone and continue to suffer hurt over what happened with them, and you have to simultaneously face the possibility that you're in this alone. It's not possible to make yourself just stop caring about that. The only thing I have found that helps with this unknown is to gently acknowledge my hurt and to shift my attention to more positive unknowns. I am going to have a happy future - what can I do today to help myself get ready for that? This thinking doesn't magically take pain away, but it helps.
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AmMovingForward

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« Reply #2 on: October 29, 2015, 09:07:38 PM »

Yes, we miss you very much. You are not forgotten,  but the pain of opening up that channel again isn't really an option.

For we remember the pain that we felt,  the pain when we weren't texted or called back, the pain when we were let down after reality set in, and things weren't as perfect as we thought they were, thus abandonment fears kick in and we must sabotage first before it "was done to us" at that's how my thought process works.

If I contact my ex, it also means he would "win" and I'm not going to give his ego that pleasure, because that's all I felt I was towards the end. One big ego stroke. I'm a smart, beautiful,  and charming woman, and although I can move on quite quickly,  it's just temporary. I miss my ex very much,  but will never contact him again. He's not tried to contact me and I am old school and feel Men should try to make things right, and he hasn't. When we move on, it's only to fill the void, but there's always those ones that I feel were a true connection,  the ones where the love ran so deep you felt like one person, but it was a fantasy. He couldn't live up to it, unfortunately. I miss my soulmate,  but will never make contact again,  because he would then win.

Hope that helps.  I'm a dBPD and new to this site, only stumbled upon it for the tools, but hopefully can provide insight... .Thanks
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Lonely_Astro
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« Reply #3 on: October 29, 2015, 09:21:20 PM »

I just want to know if my ex misses me. Do BPDs ever remember good times? I know my ex had the "ouf of side out of mind" thing and she told me about it. But I was her first love and "love of her life", do I hold any significance in her mind? I know I know... .gotta focus on me now... .and I am. I am doing a great job moving on. I am imagining her with others all the time, and I'm actually OK with it, and that's not how I was last wk. But I wonder if she wants to text me and holding back... .or if she doesn't care at all... .am I a thing of the past? or is she also trying not to call me. I know she does feel her emotions... .

I want to hear a BPD perspective... .how did you feel after your "best" relationship ended?

Wondering if they are thinking about you happens to us all.  But, like everyone, each pwBPD is different so the answer to your question isn't easily answered.  Ask yourself this:  do you want her to text you?  Are you the one that's holding back?  What is the end result you're looking for by having these questions answered?  :)o you really need to have them answered?

I, too, went through a phase with my pwBPD when the relationship ended where I wondered those things.  As much as I wanted to connect with her, I resisted.  With time, I eventually didn't feel the desire to, even though it did pop up from time to time.  So, one day led to two, then a week, then a month, then 3 years passed.  Once we reconnected, I asked her about the time.  She told me (I believe it was true) that she thought of me often, at least once a day.  She told me she wanted to contact me but was to scared I would reject her (she was right, I would have at that point in my life) so she didn't.  

What you can take away from this moment is that there is another side of the story.  Maybe she does miss you, maybe she doesn't.  The questions is, are you sure you know what you want?  I ask because it sounds like you want to possibly have contact with her again.

As I was once told, I will tell you the same about did you "matter":  you were loved right up to the moment you weren't.  So, yes, you did matter and yes, it was real.  Up until it wasn't.
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« Reply #4 on: October 29, 2015, 09:22:58 PM »

And I know that's such a distorted way of thinking,  but that's just how I roll. I couldn't see my part in it for a very long time, only until I begun therapy.  I do miss my ex painfully so, my heart literally aches.

I've even thought he was BPD/NPD and placed all the blame on him. Totally unfair

I'm not in a relationship now. I'm not good in relationships and I have a daughter I need to focus on right now.

I want to get healthy before I go into any new relationships,  as it wouldn't be fair to keep this toxic cycle going

I had a BPD mother and dad left when I was young,  so my issues run deep and long. I will not subject any poor fellow to my rages, fits, manipulation,  and crazy anymore.

I hope to get well soon, as I am quite lonely,  but I know being alone is for the best... for everyone.
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« Reply #5 on: October 29, 2015, 09:57:51 PM »

And I know that's such a distorted way of thinking,  but that's just how I roll. I couldn't see my part in it for a very long time, only until I begun therapy.  I do miss my ex painfully so, my heart literally aches.

I've even thought he was BPD/NPD and placed all the blame on him. Totally unfair

I'm not in a relationship now. I'm not good in relationships and I have a daughter I need to focus on right now.

I want to get healthy before I go into any new relationships,  as it wouldn't be fair to keep this toxic cycle going

I had a BPD mother and dad left when I was young,  so my issues run deep and long. I will not subject any poor fellow to my rages, fits, manipulation,  and crazy anymore.

I hope to get well soon, as I am quite lonely,  but I know being alone is for the best... for everyone.

Reading this post is making me cry. Laugh out loud (click to insert in post). and triggered my arm twitch which i got when i found out about my replacement. Some sort of psychosomatic reaction.

Your words here just touch my heart so deeply. I'm so happy for you. I don't even know you, but, i don't even know how to describe how I'm feeling. It might be some sort of projection on my part. Its just like this, thank you feeling. This, bless you feeling. This kind of warmth and peace feeling. Your very brave, I think. Very very strong.

thank you for sharing your thoughts with us on this site.
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Freeatlast_1
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« Reply #6 on: October 29, 2015, 10:40:54 PM »

Thank you so much guys. I honestly don't know what I want. Yes I admit I am confused. But 4 weeks after NC and I haven't contacts Her, resisting all urges. I don't know what tomorrow brings but I'll take it a day at s time. I am getting stronger. I love that girl though and I know she loved me, and I meant a lot to her. It's one thing I know for sure. So to answer your question, no I don't know what I want but I wont contact her. Do I want to be with her? Yes but not without therapy. That's unrealistic.
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« Reply #7 on: October 29, 2015, 10:47:44 PM »

Thank you so much guys. I honestly don't know what I want. Yes I admit I am confused. But 4 weeks after NC and I haven't contacts Her, resisting all urges. I don't know what tomorrow brings but I'll take it a day at s time. I am getting stronger. I love that girl though and I know she loved me, and I meant a lot to her. It's one thing I know for sure. So to answer your question, no I don't know what I want but I wont contact her. Do I want to be with her? Yes but not without therapy. That's unrealistic.

Thats all of us.
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enlighten me
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« Reply #8 on: October 30, 2015, 05:38:54 AM »

I think this is what makes me sad more than anything else. The fact that my exs have had special people in their lives that maybe were their soulmate but due to fear have let them go.

I know my ex wife isn't happy in her marriage and I think that she still wishes we were together. That ship has sailed now as too much has happened that we would never work now.

My exgf has had many partners some of which where truly special to her. She probably at one point had her perfect match but has sabotaged every serious relationship.

With my exgf I wished she would have opened up and tell me how she really felt but I realise that it would have been too scary for her to do and also that in a way she did try but it was lost among everything else that was being said at the time.
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WhatJustHappened?
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« Reply #9 on: October 30, 2015, 07:11:36 AM »

Yes, we miss you very much. You are not forgotten,  but the pain of opening up that channel again isn't really an option.

For we remember the pain that we felt,  the pain when we weren't texted or called back, the pain when we were let down after reality set in, and things weren't as perfect as we thought they were, thus abandonment fears kick in and we must sabotage first before it "was done to us" at that's how my thought process works.

If I contact my ex, it also means he would "win" and I'm not going to give his ego that pleasure, because that's all I felt I was towards the end. One big ego stroke. I'm a smart, beautiful,  and charming woman, and although I can move on quite quickly,  it's just temporary. I miss my ex very much,  but will never contact him again. He's not tried to contact me and I am old school and feel Men should try to make things right, and he hasn't. When we move on, it's only to fill the void, but there's always those ones that I feel were a true connection,  the ones where the love ran so deep you felt like one person, but it was a fantasy. He couldn't live up to it, unfortunately. I miss my soulmate,  but will never make contact again,  because he would then win.

Hope that helps.  I'm a dBPD and new to this site, only stumbled upon it for the tools, but hopefully can provide insight... .Thanks

I just wanted to thank you for your insight. Quite helpful and makes sense. My exBPDgf constantly tried to sabotage our relationship complete with lying about health issues, a strong fixation with sex, starting fights, challenging my commitment to her and trianglating me with her separated husband.

If I may ask, how does one with BPD justify lying? I always wondered that.

I have tried to reach out once to at least get back on reasonable terms but got no response. I am not surprised. I'm sure I have and will continue to be painted black.
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« Reply #10 on: October 30, 2015, 07:29:14 AM »

I just wonder if they miss us if they are in a new r/s? If they are in a r/s, then I wouldn't think they would. I have 3 more months to go so I can get divorced... .I'm crying more than ever. He hasn't said anything to me since he text me last month to tell me my alimony is in the bank. I told him not to contact me, so I guess he is following what I said. I agree with Bpdsufferer13 that he should be the one to contact me, since he is the one that moved on... I would love to know he misses me... .he said it for awhile when he started this whole thing. He said he wanted to come back home to his wife, but I said not while he is drinking. So now she is just enabling the drinking and there he sits. I actually found out she met her husband on MYSPACE in 2008 and met him a month later, he drove to Tenn. to see her. They became a couple that night! Then she drove down to TX. to spend a week with him and then when she left to go home, she left her dog with him, knowing she would go back. Then she said she drove 5 hours away and turned around and went back. She was with him ever since... .They married in 2011 I was thinking this is sort of BPD behavior... .what do you think? She flirted with my husband at work until they were split up and written up, but then he went back to her (with several women in-between) when they worked together briefly at a later time. They both seem like Drama queens... .I am forcing myself to know that they will suffer the same if not worse ending than he and I... .It just hurts so much to be left for someone else that is so immature. But I guess that suits him better as he is as well... .He could just hold it together for so long I think... .I think he felt like he was keeping up with the joneses sort of.He said" she is cheap"... .personally I would not like to be called that, but I know what he means,lol
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« Reply #11 on: October 30, 2015, 07:32:18 AM »

Hey BPD13, I have just found this post and your response. How totally brave and amazing you are. I have total and utter respect for you and your brave honesty. I hope one day you will be loved and love in return as equals, you truly deserve to. I cannot tell you how much it means to see the other side with such naked honesty. I know everyone is different but you have actually made me see that I could have been loved by my ex. I don't need to know more. Am happy to accept could have been. Heartfelt love to you and all the best wishes in the world for your healing as well as ours.   xx
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« Reply #12 on: October 30, 2015, 09:45:17 AM »

Yes, we miss you very much. You are not forgotten,  but the pain of opening up that channel again isn't really an option.

For we remember the pain that we felt,  the pain when we weren't texted or called back, the pain when we were let down after reality set in, and things weren't as perfect as we thought they were, thus abandonment fears kick in and we must sabotage first before it "was done to us" at that's how my thought process works.

If I contact my ex, it also means he would "win" and I'm not going to give his ego that pleasure, because that's all I felt I was towards the end. One big ego stroke. I'm a smart, beautiful,  and charming woman, and although I can move on quite quickly,  it's just temporary. I miss my ex very much,  but will never contact him again. He's not tried to contact me and I am old school and feel Men should try to make things right, and he hasn't. When we move on, it's only to fill the void, but there's always those ones that I feel were a true connection,  the ones where the love ran so deep you felt like one person, but it was a fantasy. He couldn't live up to it, unfortunately. I miss my soulmate,  but will never make contact again,  because he would then win.

Hope that helps.  I'm a dBPD and new to this site, only stumbled upon it for the tools, but hopefully can provide insight... .Thanks

This has really hit me today.

Thank you for posting. the last few days have seen a lot of insightful posts that have heightened my understanding of this terrible disorder.

One year ago tomorrow was the last conversation I had with uBPD ex. I then uncovered three years of lies, deceit, cheating and promptly changed the locks and removed all her items from my house.

I know the next three weeks are going to be triggers for her, mind you she has constantly stalked me ever since - who knows what the next three weeks will bring. I just want to get on with my life - no drama, no chaos, no nothing, just peace and quiet and tranquility.

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« Reply #13 on: October 30, 2015, 10:03:40 AM »

Yes, we miss you very much. You are not forgotten,  but the pain of opening up that channel again isn't really an option.

For we remember the pain that we felt,  the pain when we weren't texted or called back, the pain when we were let down after reality set in, and things weren't as perfect as we thought they were, thus abandonment fears kick in and we must sabotage first before it "was done to us" at that's how my thought process works.

If I contact my ex, it also means he would "win" and I'm not going to give his ego that pleasure, because that's all I felt I was towards the end. One big ego stroke. I'm a smart, beautiful,  and charming woman, and although I can move on quite quickly,  it's just temporary. I miss my ex very much,  but will never contact him again. He's not tried to contact me and I am old school and feel Men should try to make things right, and he hasn't. When we move on, it's only to fill the void, but there's always those ones that I feel were a true connection,  the ones where the love ran so deep you felt like one person, but it was a fantasy. He couldn't live up to it, unfortunately. I miss my soulmate,  but will never make contact again,  because he would then win.

Hope that helps.  I'm a dBPD and new to this site, only stumbled upon it for the tools, but hopefully can provide insight... .Thanks

Hey sufferer,

thanks for your insight... .so warm and deep. It's a little bit sad that things end up like this, but it's at least a little bit of comfort to know we are not forgotten.

Thanks again 
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Learning Fast
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« Reply #14 on: October 30, 2015, 10:50:42 AM »

BPDsufferer13,

Many thanks for the insights as they are invaluable on so many levels.  Seeing what has transpired from a BPD viewpoint is extremely helpful.  Congratulations on your self-awareness and nothing but best wishes for you going forward.  I'm sure that you will find a rewarding relationship with time.

It's interesting you mentioned that we're not forgotten.  I'm LC/CC with my exBPDgf since our daughters are best friends in high school.

Although we rarely see each other when we do I sometimes find that she is fixated while looking at me.  Or when we talk she'll hold her gaze for a very long time.  It's almost as though glimpses of our past are flooding in from her memory yet she's not too sure how to process the emotions.

Continue posting if you desire as you input will be extremely helpful to those on these boards
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« Reply #15 on: October 30, 2015, 11:26:47 AM »

Thank you again BPD13, as you will see it means a lot to many that you have the thoughtfulness and insight to post here. If the responses get too much don't worry or get anxious, just come back when you are up to it. It must be hard to read some of the posts on these boards and you are very brave.   x
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« Reply #16 on: October 30, 2015, 12:00:14 PM »

I was somewhat afraid of looking at responses, as I thought I may be jumped on Laugh out loud (click to insert in post). Idk how to respond to other's posts, but someone asked about how we justify lying. You have to know in my situation that lying was normal. It was part of the family. I told my therapist there wasn't just skeletons in our closet,  there were bodies! Lying, unfortunately,  is second nature. It becomes ingrained within your personality, it's a means to survive if I must say, and  suppose for a better lack of words. My mother will lie about the most asinine things. I'd hear her on the phone, telling someone one thing, while the truth was something else. She'd look at me and smirk,  it was almost like she got a kick out of "tricking" someone. I was lied to all the time, so I thought it was normal. Lying is also a way to maintain the image, the status pro quo. God forbid anyone would ever think Mother was imperfect,  and she find that out.

To answer why those with BPD lie, I'm unsure of why the majority does, but my reasons, before my healing, were for pure selfish ones.

Looking back, it's just something that I picked up along the way, like one learns to ride a bike. It's not purposeful that I deceived,  but if it meant me getting my way, something I want or need, or covering up my tracks, then I'd do it in a heartbeat, and without a second thought. I was extremely selfish. I am self aware of my actions now, but I still don't want anyone to get too close, because eventually I feel I'm going to hurt you, and hurting you hurts worse for me. Very painful lashing out and raging, not even realizing sometimes I was doing it, until I was told of what I said or done the next day or whenever, and then remorse and embarrassment would set in. I'd apologize, and then expect things to resume back to normal,  because if I didn't remember, you didn't either,  right?  Well I was wrong, people do remember,  and while I may have been forgiven,  I would never be trusted the same. So I had to change.  I was losing friends and boyfriends left and right,  and it wasn't them. It was me. Such a painful ephinany. The realization I'm the problem,  and not everyone else. If I kept hurting a friend by manipulating or raging, and they still wanted to be around me, then I'd start the devaluation. Why would you want to be around someone as awful as me? So if they're that pathetic to want to, I didn't want to associate with them. Very sick thought process,  I know now... .

I used to not feel too sorry for how I treated others, because I thought (and still do at times) think everyone lies and manipulates to get what they want. Everyone.  That's how i used to think, but now I know differently,  and the majority of people are not like me and my family. They are actually good and honest people out there. People that don't manipulate to get what they want or need actually exist, and that is something that is truly hard for me to wrap my head around... .but I am, and I'm looking at the world with new lenses. I thank my lucky stars every single day that my perspective is changing, and I'm so blessed I'm finally realizing it before it's too late.

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« Reply #17 on: October 30, 2015, 12:13:49 PM »

Thank you,  Sadly.

I actually came here because my therapist recommended the site, the tools you all use for detachment and so forth, I also need.  I started reading the posts here to get insight into how my exes and others actually feel about me. I must admit,  it's not that pretty. But I have to face these irrational emotions and actions if I want to get better.  I'm a great person,  but I've done some terrible things... .so before I jump into another relationship I want to be the best person I can be. That person deserves my most authentic self, not the fantasy that I'm so good at acting out. Then I get mad because he's falling in love with the fantasy,  and not really me, so then all sorts of resentments set in. I've attracted Narcissistic men the past 10 years. It's been a very toxic roller coaster for everyone involved,  so I stopped and got off. I love reading everyone's insight,  and I'm so grateful for this little community of authenticity.  Thank you everyone for sharing,  as it has helped me tremendously so. I'm preparing to get ready to work this weekend, so I'll check back in soon.
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« Reply #18 on: October 30, 2015, 12:15:38 PM »

There are actually good and honest people out there

Yes there are sweetheart and you are up there with them! Look at what you are doing, I have never come across anything quite so honest in my life! Really. It is humbling to say the least. There are people who will lie to us all, for whatever reasons. We will all be hurt by people lying to us in the future, because we and they are human and it happens. But not everyone and not all of the time. There are different types of lies and different types of honesty and both can hurt, again its human. As I said in another post, No-one is perfect and it would be unnatural if they were.

It is so refreshing to hear you, some of the things you are saying are helping me enormously. It's all very well to read about it in books and papers and what not but you are a very real and I cant say enough how brave I think you are. Never be afraid to be here, you are giving more than you will know to a great many people. Love xx
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« Reply #19 on: October 30, 2015, 12:37:20 PM »

Yes, we miss you very much. You are not forgotten,  but the pain of opening up that channel again isn't really an option.

For we remember the pain that we felt,  the pain when we weren't texted or called back, the pain when we were let down after reality set in, and things weren't as perfect as we thought they were, thus abandonment fears kick in and we must sabotage first before it "was done to us" at that's how my thought process works.

If I contact my ex, it also means he would "win" and I'm not going to give his ego that pleasure, because that's all I felt I was towards the end. One big ego stroke. I'm a smart, beautiful,  and charming woman, and although I can move on quite quickly,  it's just temporary. I miss my ex very much,  but will never contact him again. He's not tried to contact me and I am old school and feel Men should try to make things right, and he hasn't. When we move on, it's only to fill the void, but there's always those ones that I feel were a true connection,  the ones where the love ran so deep you felt like one person, but it was a fantasy. He couldn't live up to it, unfortunately. I miss my soulmate,  but will never make contact again,  because he would then win.

Hope that helps.  I'm a dBPD and new to this site, only stumbled upon it for the tools, but hopefully can provide insight... .Thanks

Hi Bpdsufferer13,

Thank you for this. it's great to know the thingking of the person with BPD. I can understand why you are not calling your Bf because of not getting hurt again. What I don't get is that, I am assuming you dumped your BF? if you did, You are not contacting your Bf because he will win? or you will pleasure his ego? Wouldn't you be the one that should make an effort to contact him if you dumped him or love him?

If he dumped you I completely agree with you that he should be contacting you and trying to repair the relationship. Or is this a game of whoever has the strongest will and ego wins?


Please don't take this personally I am trying to understand a person with BPD's point of view.


Thank you.

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« Reply #20 on: October 30, 2015, 12:38:15 PM »

I with many of the other folks on this thread... .thanks so much for your insight and courage. I wish you well in your journey and much happiness!
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Hopeful83
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« Reply #21 on: October 30, 2015, 12:49:14 PM »

Yes, we miss you very much. You are not forgotten,  but the pain of opening up that channel again isn't really an option.

For we remember the pain that we felt,  the pain when we weren't texted or called back, the pain when we were let down after reality set in, and things weren't as perfect as we thought they were, thus abandonment fears kick in and we must sabotage first before it "was done to us" at that's how my thought process works.

If I contact my ex, it also means he would "win" and I'm not going to give his ego that pleasure, because that's all I felt I was towards the end. One big ego stroke. I'm a smart, beautiful,  and charming woman, and although I can move on quite quickly,  it's just temporary. I miss my ex very much,  but will never contact him again. He's not tried to contact me and I am old school and feel Men should try to make things right, and he hasn't. When we move on, it's only to fill the void, but there's always those ones that I feel were a true connection,  the ones where the love ran so deep you felt like one person, but it was a fantasy. He couldn't live up to it, unfortunately. I miss my soulmate,  but will never make contact again,  because he would then win.

Hope that helps.  I'm a dBPD and new to this site, only stumbled upon it for the tools, but hopefully can provide insight... .Thanks

Sat here in tears (I blame Adele's new song. Never listening to that again), and reading this was somewhat comforting. I cannot seem to believe that he's moved on without ever giving me a second thought. Maybe I'm deluded, but this gives me some hope that it wasn't all completely lost on him.

Hopeful83
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Learning Fast
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« Reply #22 on: October 30, 2015, 01:05:37 PM »

You mentioned that change for you came as a result of losing friends and relationships.  :)id you become self-aware on your own?  Would you have been open to someone approaching you with their concerns?

Additionally, were you more apt to dysregulate in a romantic or friend relationship?  Or did it not really matter?  With a romantic relationship what eventually became the trigger for devaluation?

Again many thanks for your openness.  You may find that you'll become besieged with questions as we have so many that are unanswered.
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Sadly
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« Reply #23 on: October 30, 2015, 01:07:51 PM »

Sat here in tears too Hopeful, and not cos I listened to that song, I dare not. I cant listen to any music at the moment, it all hurts and brings back memories. Even the laughter when I listened to what he called "sloppy ___e"

I wonder how many people all over the world are sat crying tonight for the reasons we are? Some may not even know about BPD and are at the bewildered What the heck stage when their world turns upside down.

It is good to be reminded we are not the only side of the partnership that hurts and feels terrible pain. Sometimes it is easy to demonise, it helps us deal with it but it is equally important to be reminded that those suffering from this illness hurt too. Everyone bleeds.  xx

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Hopeful83
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« Reply #24 on: October 30, 2015, 01:13:35 PM »

Sat here in tears too Hopeful, and not cos I listened to that song, I dare not. I cant listen to any music at the moment, it all hurts and brings back memories. Even the laughter when I listened to what he called "sloppye"

I wonder how many people all over the world are sat crying tonight for the reasons we are? Some may not even know about BPD and are at the bewildered What the heck stage when their world turns upside down.

It is good to be reminded we are not the only side of the partnership that hurts and feels terrible pain. Sometimes it is easy to demonise, it helps us deal with it but it is equally important to be reminded that those suffering from this illness hurt too. Everyone bleeds.  xx

Big hug from me, Sadly 

This board has been such a lifesaver. It has helped me through so much.

And yes, you're right - it's very easy to demonise especially when you're blindsided and the rug is pulled from beneath you. My whole world got turned upside down in less than two weeks - a whole future vanished in an instant and I was left wondering what on earth happened. When it first happened, I couldn't bring myself to think badly of him or hate him, then that turned to anger and hate. Now I think I'm starting to get to the point where I want to mourn the good parts of the relationship, too, in order to leave it behind.

It's not easy. And no more Adele for me.

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« Reply #25 on: October 30, 2015, 01:34:19 PM »

Hi hopeful, just replied to your other post. Are you sure we were not seeing the same person? LOL. 

xx

ps, really, no more Adele. x
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« Reply #26 on: October 30, 2015, 02:00:11 PM »

Staff only

Thankyou, Bpdsufferer13, and everyone posting!  Smiling (click to insert in post)

We can feel good about participating in a constructive exchange. It been a great exchange of humanity on all sides - a good thing.

I was somewhat afraid of looking at responses, as I thought I may be jumped on. Idk how to respond to other's posts, but someone asked about how we justify lying. You have to know in my situation... .

Thanks for saying this. "Ask a pwBPD" or as we called them in school "one mouse studies" are a risky endeavor.  Researchers will ask hundreds before drawing conclusions and that's why we rely on research studies here.  Imagine, if we asked one member a question in the case below:



https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=60827.0

That's how i used to think, but now I know differently... .

Yes, even within an individual, how we act/feels differs in time and with differing circumstances. None-the-less, It was helpful to look at one individuals experience - and we can all learn from it - but we should not think of it as a proxy for our partners.

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« Reply #27 on: October 30, 2015, 02:15:19 PM »

Looking back, it's just something that I picked up along the way, like one learns to ride a bike. It's not purposeful that I deceived,  but if it meant me getting my way, something I want or need, or covering up my tracks, then I'd do it in a heartbeat, and without a second thought.

This is what the biggest issue that eventually destroyed my relationship with my ex.  I believe at times she wasn't even aware she was doing it, not to mention she was VERY good at it, and she knew she was.  When I pointed it out to her she didn't think she had done anything wrong.  I tired to help her see that it was a fundamental betrayal of trust, but I don't think she ever really understood that.  She also always had some external excuse/reason for doing it too and felt completely justified regardless of how much it hurt me.  Of course if the shoe was on the other foot I believe she would feel entirely different.

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« Reply #28 on: October 30, 2015, 04:30:57 PM »

Bpdsufferer13:

I was on this post re: does my ex miss me and I came across your response.  I give you so much credit for being able to be honest and answer the question to your best ability on whether the EXBPD misses us.  I too was in a relationship for 7 years with a BPDmale who is now my Ex (his decision not mine).  It has only been a month since he left me and moved in the same day he left me with a woman he cheated on me with for a very long time, and it has left a really big hole in my heart.  I often wondered if he even missed me or loved me at all.  I know you can't answer for all BPD, but is stalking considered missing me or this his insecurity that I may have another man in my life, because he always accused me of doing what he has done to me for 7 years.  I often wonder if he loved me at all, because I know that I loved him with all of me which is why I feel so lost, angry and confused.  He was diagnosed some time ago and I only found out through going with him to finally meet with his therapist only four months ago.  He didn't see his therapist consistently, which is why I feel he can't be helped.  I have been through a lot in my life, I had a very abusive mother, physically and emotionally, my dad treated my mom like crap, I was in a relationship very young for 8 years and he abused me physically and emotionally, had a child with a Narcissist and married him, now divorced, and then my last relationship with my EXBPD.  I never went through life wanting to hurt anyone or being insecure to push away a loved one who had nothing to with past, but they did it to me.  I am just trying to understand.  Your response would be greatly appreciated.  If you don't feel comfortable responding I truly understand.  I am just trying to move forward with my life and don't know how to because I have so many unanswered questions.  Have a blessed day.
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Suspicious1
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« Reply #29 on: October 30, 2015, 05:48:25 PM »

BPDSufferer13, another thank you from me, and a huge welcome Smiling (click to insert in post). I know of course you can only ever speak for yourself and your own experiences, but it's so useful to hear another perspective.

What you said echoes what my exBPDbf used to say when he was with me. If he thought I was going to leave him (which may have simply been triggered because I was annoyed at him for something), he would end the relationship. When we reconciled, he was very open about the fact that he thought I'd leave him so he wanted to get in there first and not be the one who was abandoned. It was important to him, too, for other people to believe he'd been the dumper rather than the dumpee.

I know he also saw these kinds of things in terms of "winning" and "losing", and his pride would stop him contacting me. In the past, he was the one who left me, then he would hang around social media sites that he knew I was on, leaving a bit of bait to see if I was still interested, to see if I'd respond, and if my response was positive enough he'd come back. This last time was the one and only time I walked away from him, and he's ignored all olive branches I've ever offered. I stopped a long time ago now.

I assumed he'd just moved on - that it was all out of sight, out of mind, and he had just put all his energy into his relationship with his new girlfriend. To think he might miss me is incredible. It's soothing, and it's sad at the same time. Most of all, it's unexpected.
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