Is this BPD?

[Joem678]

Hi there,

I've been married 19 years but have been separated for 3 months now.  What happens is that my wife strays.  As a child, she was sexually and physically abused.  Her mom neglected her and her sister.  She's was my first everything.  First year together, I was accused of stalking and raping her.  We were in college.  She wouldn't let me move on.  I then became the primary focus of slander on her part.  Over the course of 19 years, she has distanced people from us because of what she says about me.  She's had to change jobs.  She has strayed.  Five years ago she had an affair where as I was staring to move on, but she dropped the guy abruptly.  I was surprised and she got angry and wanted to work on the marriage.  Now it happened again.  This time I went to counseling.  I now know that I shouldn't have seen her as a victim.  She is living with her mom.  I know there is a distraction.  Again she does look certain on moving on as I am healing.  I've always chased her but this time I didn't.  We are losing the house.  It seems that after we had our last child everything got worse.  This time around I actually picked up on when/how she created this false scenario.  My kids even wonder what she told her coworkers as they all donated furniture.   Everything from beds to couches.  She makes very good money.  I have found my own place.  I have asked her to leave me alone but she doesn't respect that.  We have four kids all have cell phones.  I get anxiety still when I talk to her.  She guilts me and blames everything on me. She complains about what happened 15 years ago and not this past year.  I will say that I did start to distance myself as I notice behaviors again.  I can only say her behavior is odd and now my kids are noticing it. 

I fear as I move on that she will snap out of this again.  Last time it was like that.   Is she sick?

[joeramabeme]

JoeM678

Welcome to BPD Family 

Not sure I or anyone here can answer whether or not your wife is BPD.  There are certainly parts of the story that seem to fit the profile.  How much have you read about BPD?  Certainly the more you understand about it all the easier it will be to understand her behaviors, if she is BPD.

Similar answer regarding your question as to whether or not she is sick.  Certainly does seem to be some unhealthy traits there and based on the snippet of her background you provided it would be easy to imagine that untreated, those life occurrences would certainly have a large impact on someones RS skills.

How do you feel about being NC?  Are you missing her?

[Mutt]

Hi Joem68

I'm sorry to hear that. I agree with joeramabeme. We're not professionals and cannot diagnose. What we can look at are traits of the borderline personality type.

I get anxiety still when I talk to her.  She guilts me and blames everything on me.

My ex wife is similar. She's not diagnosed and hasn't changed since the first day that I met her. I thought that she was immature and maybe she'll grow out of it BPD is a persecution complex and the person believes that that their circumstances and actions are the result of other peoples actions and feel victimized.

How are the kids?

[Joem678]

Mutt,

The kids are ok but confused.  Her behavior has really freaked out the oldest two.  They tell me "that's not mom dad."   I don't tend to ask what they see specifically.  She provoked my second oldest I to an argument and wanted to call the cops on him this past week. I have researched bipolar disorder and BPD quite a bit this time around.  To be honest I feel like this website has giving me the answers to all the questions I've accumulated thesr 19.5 years.  In counseling, they referred to her as a case and told me I had to get well to help her.  This made me start researching as well because they wouldn't even try to tell me what they thought could be happening.  I did ask.

Joeramabeme,

NC is hard.  I do miss her.  I worry for her but therapy has shown me that this problem has existed before she met me. People question why I worry or think I'm in denial but her behaviors have worried me since I was 18.  Before we had kids. This time around I was like what the hell?  It is like we are playing a broken record.  Even her dialogue is similar. Like she's reading from a script.

[Joem678]

Sorry, I just realized my original post was me just rambling. I am just truly excited to find this site.  So,this is the pattern I have lived:

Throughout out marriage she has complained about me.  It is exaggerated.  Please trust me on this.  Then during periods she creates extreme scenarios.  For example, like when I raped her.  Four kids later... .Blah.   I truly feel like she believes her lies.  Then there is some attention from friends and guys(affairs).  She treats me like a monster and them like saviors.  Then it ends.  It last a while.  :)uring the period she acts very odd.  Like a teenager.  Even her grammar is like a young child.  Then at the end, everyone turns her back in her.  I'm assuming because of her lies.  And then as if nothing happened.   This happened in college and up to 4 years ago in her last job.  So, altogether five times. Now in this new job there is evidence of chaos already.  She has a pretty high profile job too. She is 37.

[joeramabeme]

Throughout out marriage she has complained about me.  It is exaggerated.  Please trust me on this.  

I think we can all relate to this.  One of the primary traits of a pwBPD is they blame others for their own feelings and project their bad feelings b/c it is too difficult and overwhelming to feel. 

For us as non's we can get an unanticipated side effect from all this blaming; something called "Projective Identification".  This is something like we actually begin to believe that we have the traits and qualities that we are being blamed for and act as if what is said about us is true, even though we know it is not. 

That is why I chose to highlight this part of your post, it can be a byproduct of living with BPD.

You seem pretty calm with handing it all.  Have you still been keeping your distance?

[Joem678]

I am still keeping my distance.  If I open a little bit of the doors of communication I will get paragraphs.  Yes they will be about the kids but it's as if she was just waiting for me.

I'm on egg shells right now but calm.  I'm an extremely patient person.   I'm on egg shells because I get the sense that her fantasy is unraveling and her life is getting chaotic.  I hope this makes sense.  The texts are friendlier.

[Joem678]

My question is:  is it really possible for them to stay in this fantasy state and then suddenly snap out of it?

[joeramabeme]

My question is:  is it really possible for them to stay in this fantasy state and then suddenly snap out of it?

Not sure I have an answer to this one but can venture out on a limb a little ways. 

Yes and no. I don't think they "snap out of it" and then suddenly realize that I am not in this state of mind any longer and recognize it as balanced. 

Think of it as a ship being tossed about on the ocean, there are moments, as it goes back and forth, when it is in perfect equilibrium.  It is a passing moment.  If the ship is always being tossed about, how do you know what equilibrium even feels like?  Probably feels the same as every other moment; another transient point in perpetual motion of turmoil. 

Make sense?

[Joem678]

joeramabeme, thanks for the analogy.  It makes perfect sense and it really fits with what I have been experiencing with her.  Why does it seem that the disorder has gotten worse.  I know if it is this it has not been treated which will lead to more issues.  But in the last five years it seems to have gotten out of control.  Does anyone have an answer?  Five years ago we had our last child.  This year, right before she left she mentioned she was having female issues and she went to her OBGYN.  She was pre-menopausal.   Maybe I am looking for answers that aren't just there.  Wishful thinking maybe.