The 'state' in which you were left in

[Hopeful83]

 

General topic. I just wondered what kind of 'state' your exes left you in when you ended. What I mean by that is I've read loads of stories of people whose breakups were horrific - whether that's because you were left jobless, homeless, kids were taken away from you etc. And whether any remorse was shown for the situation from your ex? I also recall stories of people being on the verge of marriage, engagement etc... .

I know breakups can get ugly, but it seems like in the stories that I read on here the exes really show little to no consideration to what state they leave you in. Is this part of the disorder? A general lack of compassion for the person you've left behind?

I ask because in my case my ex literally left me jobless and homeless. I was waiting for him to come join me so that we could get a place together and start a business. He showed no remorse for this, and when I said this to him he said "Well I'm jobless, too!" Totally overlooking the fact that he'd caused all the mess in the first place   I've been living with my mum for the last five months while I try and piece everything back together.

We were also due to get engaged - he then got engaged to someone else after two months of us ending.

He hasn't once checked up on me, even though my sister was battling cancer at the time. Thankfully she's now in remission but I find it hard to understand how someone who just weeks before we broke up was the most loving guy I had ever met could turn so cold and disinterested in an instant.

Hopeful

[Bigmd]

Hopeful , my BPD exgf didn't leave me quite that bad. Although who knows what would have happened if we went on to move in together and marry like we planned. However she did leave me heartbroken, confused , and broken. Like you, weeks before she was very much in love and telling me how great I treat her. I will add though 4 months later I am out of the fog.

[zundertowz]

My ex left me in a pretty bad state. I was broke, lived in NYC so didn't have a car, and most of my good friend and family had moved out of NY. During the last 6 months of the relationship my ex knew she had me by the balls, when she would lose it she would force me out of the apt by saying she would call the cops and say I hit her.  So there were a few nights I would spend sleeping on the subway.  Living like this not only being abused, but threats of false arrest and being homeless all while getting attacked almost ended my life.  I came up with a plan and vowed the next time I was forced out I would never go back.  On a positive note 8 months later I live in sunny Florida near the beach where the cost of living is half of what it was in NY... .so I guess I have her to thank for that.  But the totally lack of empathy is one of the things that is really hard to get over.  She also seemed to enjoy the power.

[juniorswailing]

Relief!

[Michelle27]

Relief!

For me too!  This is likely because I am the one that ended it.  That said, in the 5 months since I declared that I was done after a 3 month therapeutic separation I have come even more out of the FOG and know I have a lot of healing left to do but I'm ok with that.  I need to stop beating myself up for staying as long as I did and subjecting myself and my kids to everything I have.

[guy4caligirl]

  But the totally lack of empathy is one of the things that is really hard to get over.[/quote]
In my opinion this is the worst state of mind you can ever experience after a break up with an ex BPD .

That's why we are left in a disarray of confusing and pain , but after a while  when we recognize that it was cause by this wicked  illness and getting involved here on this healing site and realizing you're not in this alone   ,things get a whole lot better  Remain NC and let go or you will be dragged as Mutt  wrote .

[Confused108]

Sooty you had to go through that hopeful83. Yes it seems that lack of caring, empathy, etc is one of the ways our BPD exs dish ou to us when it's time to leave us. My ex and myself were childhood loves. First loves. My Mom don't approve an threatened my ex to stay away from me. This I believe caused her to become what she has today. She contacted me 2 years ago via Facebook and wanted to talk about our past but I didn't want to bc I remember what I went through with her trying to get back together. Push /Pull love u don't. Dating other guys on the block etc. it broke my heart. Now this past June she told me she still loves me etc. wanted to get married me move to where ah lives now etc. So for 2 months we spoke on the phone did FaceTime until she was supposed to come meet me in Ny in October. Well guess what she dumped me with NO warning blamed me for everything ! I pursued her I came on to her etc! All lies. Took blame for nothing and told me she never loved me and didn't know why she ever said it in the 1st place. She wanted to remain friends but after what she pulled on me or the 2x time and waited patiently for me or 2 years until I eventually took her bait I never ever want to see her again. So yes they end things with us with no thought in their minds. No caring no remorse. I say mine is probably onto her next victim.

[greenmonkey]

Relief!

When I removed my uBPDex from the house, changed the locks and removed all of her possessions to the garage, knowing that after she had picked up the last of her stuff within a timeframe determined by me - I would never be subjected to the rages, silent treatment, lying, cheating secretiveness, put downs, complaining, nothing was ever good enough, the entitlement to everything, the stealing and the list goes on and on again.

One year on - I wake up every day happy knowing she has no means of contacting me, and I am getting my self respect back I have come a long long way in a year.

[hashtag_loyal]

My ex didn't leave me with anything that wasn't cleared up with a little anti-biotics! 

In all seriousness, I really fared far better than most on this board. It's only been a month, but I already feel like I am 99% past this.

In the case of my ex, I definitely feel like she felt compassion for how she had treated me. I'll always remember the way she looked at me when she was leaving after getting her stuff. So much loss and pain. I think someone much earlier on this board said it best, by describing the look you get when you drop off a baby bunny all alone at the pet store. Yup.

I did get a confession and sincere apology from my ex eventually, but it really took a lot. I think it took me threatening to go complete NC for her to find the courage to face herself, if only for a short while. I have had only superficial contact with her since then, and I believe it is because that experience was so troubling for her.

I feel like a lot of pwBPD really do feel bad for how poorly they have treated you, but will never admit it for fear of triggering such deep feelings of personal shame. So much of their behavior is about distracting themselves from the inner pain and frantically trying to avoid the absolutely terrifying process of self-reflection and personal responsibility.

As far as whether pwBPD are capable of showing consideration for your feelings when choosing their actions? I believe they are not capable of that, at least without hard, purposeful effort. These people exist in a perpetual "fight or flight" sense of panic. A panicked person is always going to be incapable of considering the needs of someone else, and is barely only able to consider his or her own needs at a very basic level.

[Learning Fast]

I was actually discarded within hours (at that point it was about a year-long relationship).  It was on a Friday when she was out of town and we had been texting back and forth like we usually did throughout the morning. Then there was nothing until around 5 pm when I received this gem: "I'm moving on".?  What? Huh?  I'm in my mid 50s and don't think I've been that stunned in my life (although to be transparent, we hadn't moved in together, discussed engagement, or anything like that---I can see where it would be many times more devastating if that was the case).

We reconnected for a lengthy recycle about two months later and discussed the "method of disposal".  She looked at me expressionless and said "What was wrong with that?" Hmm.  A couple of months later we discussed this again and this time she completely denied that she had ever left me. What the heck?  

It all would have been significantly worse without the resources on this site that I learned from prior to the recycle.  That helped put her behavior in context.  Read, read, read and learn, learn, learn helps immensely.

[Forteventur]

I wasn't left in anywhere near a bad position as others, except the emotional mess that I think almost everyone has gone through.

She left me rubbing on my face that she had someone else (but later saying she had never cheated on me and admitting she was seeing 2 guys at the same time now, though). She absolutely hates, despises me. To her, I'm everything that's wrong in the world and more. I make her sick, and things we both wanted to do, she attacks me for them and says that she feels disgusted at me, despite having enjoyed it too.

Every time I've tried to contact her since then I've been met with pure hostility, and every mistake I've made in the course of our relationship is repeatedly thrown at my face. She was perfect, of course, not a single error, I was always lying, even when I couldnt answer a text at the same minute and would then be blocked everywhere for two days.

[Infern0]

The first time round I was utterly broken. I'd suffered a nervous breakdown, my job was in serious doubt and I was a complete mess. My physical health was in a bad state as well, it was pretty desperate.

Subsequent recycles have left me heartbroken but they haven't been as bad as the first partly because I'm educated on the disorder and so I've basically seen it coming so there's no shock factor more just "not this again"

That's not to say it isn't painful but the shock aspect isn't there. Truth is after the first time I've never really trusted her not to do it again and I've been proven right on that stance

[Beach_Babe]

She absolutely hates, despises me. To her, I'm everything that's wrong in the world and more. I make her sick, and things we both wanted to do, she attacks me for them and says that she feels disgusted at me, despite having enjoyed it too.

My ex feels the same, and that has been the hardest realization: the black is permanent.

[Mr Hollande]

I was riding high on a wave of success for my band when she dropped the bomb. Our new album had received rave reviews with well attended to sell out gigs off the back of it. Many years of hard work had finally paid off but instead of enjoying it I felt like none of it mattered.

[MSNYC]

Mine consisted of a few weeks of his rages, drinking binges, drug addled blackouts, crying fits, inconsistent stories, losing friends, etc. Then there were a few conversations where he did such serious black/white splitting with me that I was like, eff this, I'm out! So I didn't have the serious financial, familial, social ramifications that many on this board did.

Emotionally however, it has been hard. We had a lovely year together before he stopped taking his meds (unknown to me) and went nuts. I miss that stability.

Also, as we are LC now, I know he has deep deep remorse and shame over what happened with us.

[Hopeful83]

Wow, so many difficult stories. It really is a kick in the teeth to have the person you loved turn their back on you like you never existed.

At the start I found it hard to reconcile the man he was in the relationship (well, the good points) with this heartless monster.

During the first few weeks of the breakup I was in an utter mess. So much so that I fell down the stairs one morning and fell badly on my elbow. I was in agony for days. My friend was so worried about me that she messaged him to tell him what had been going on and he said "I'll take care of it." What did he do? He had his friend message me to see how I was doing. His sodding friend. Well, at least that's what I guessed happened, as she was messaging me incessantly the day after my friend had told him what state I had been in. I'm not quite sure why he thought asking his friend to message translated into a good deed when my friend was already looking after me in that regard.

This further proves his cowardice and total disregard for me as a person. I know for a fact that if the tables had been turned and he was doing badly I would not behave the way that he did. And to never even ask me how my sister, who had cancer, was doing tells me everything I need to know about this man.

To this day my elbow hurts from time to time - particularly when I'm cold. Whenever I feel the pain it serves as a reminder for how awful he was to me during and after the breakup, and it stops me from missing him.

Hopeful

[Confused108]

Hopeful this reminds me of something with my ex. The day before she dumped me I was in a major car accident that almost killed me. Friends in my FB page were asking how I was etc and my ex found out about it and never even gave me a phone call. All she did was post on my FB page sorry for what happen to you please take care of you. That was it! No real concern or anything. That night she writes me an email dumping me. Not even the consideration to call me and do it! And this was my 1st love btw. Childhood friends before we became involved. These individuals are so sick in the head it makes me crazy thinking about it. I know that they can't help what they have but at times I feel they all just need a good kick right in their A**!

[Hopeful83]

Hopeful this reminds me of something with my ex. The day before she dumped me I was in a major car accident that almost killed me. Friends in my FB page were asking how I was etc and my ex found out about it and never even gave me a phone call. All she did was post on my FB page sorry for what happen to you please take care of you. That was it! No real concern or anything. That night she writes me an email dumping me. Not even the consideration to call me and do it! And this was my 1st love btw. Childhood friends before we became involved. These individuals are so sick in the head it makes me crazy thinking about it. I know that they can't help what they have but at times I feel they all just need a good kick right in their A**!

Wow that is INCREDIBLY heartless. So sorry to hear about that. It's impossible to figure out their behaviour. The 'switch' is scary when it comes, especially when the ex had been so caring in the past. My ex would look after me so well when I was ill; he'd cook, clean, bring me little gifts to cheer me up. To go from this to total and utter coldness is a shock to the system. He also cared about my family like they were his own - after we broke up he never once got in touch with a single one of them to apologise for his behaviour or to try and explain himself. Nothing! And he used to say he was closer with my brothers than his own. Unbelievable.

Look after yourself.

[C.Stein]

It's impossible to figure out their behaviour. The 'switch' is scary when it comes, especially when the ex had been so caring in the past. My ex would look after me so well when I was ill; he'd cook, clean, bring me little gifts to cheer me up. To go from this to total and utter coldness is a shock to the system. He also cared about my family like they were his own - after we broke up he never once got in touch with a single one of them to apologise for his behaviour or to try and explain himself. Nothing! And he used to say he was closer with my brothers than his own. Unbelievable.

Isn't that the hardest thing to reconcile?  How they can go from a loving, caring person to cold hearted, void of any emotions in such a short period of time.  It is unbelievably painful to be "deleted" like you never existed and they never had any feelings for you at all.

[Confused108]

Yup it's is devestating to think that a person that you love with all your heart and soul just dump you with no emotion or feeling. I called my ex a sociopath. I will be honest it felt so damn good to tell her off. Email of course. I would not give her the satisfaction of ever hearing my voice again. I am so angry at her and I don't ever see myself ever forgiving her for what she did to me this time around. For me there will be NO Recyling at all if she did ever come back. I told her already I would never take her back even if she tried. I just still can't get over what these individuals do to good hearted people. The ones that really love and care for them the most. To be close to people then turn off the switch with not a care in the world. I doubt my ex even gives me a thought . Like I had mentioned on another post she is most likely onto her next victim.

[cosmonaut]

Isn't that the hardest thing to reconcile?  How they can go from a loving, caring person to cold hearted, void of any emotions in such a short period of time.  It is unbelievably painful to be "deleted" like you never existed and they never had any feelings for you at all.

This is a result of the Detached Protector.  I'll quote from an article by Jeffrey Young, Ph.D. and Janet Klosko, Ph.D.

The Abandoned Child mode is the suffering inner child.  It is the part of the patient that feels most of the schemas – that feels the pain of the abandonment, abuse, deprivation, defectiveness, subjugation.  The Angry Child mode is predominant when the patient is enraged because her basic emotional needs are not being met.  The Punitive Parent mode is the internalized voice of the parent, criticizing and punishing the patient.  When the Punitive Parent mode is activated, the patient becomes a cruel persecutor, usually of herself.  In the Detached Protector mode, the patient shuts off all emotions, disconnects from others, and functions like a machine.  The Healthy Adult mode is weak to nonexistent in the borderline patient, especially at the beginning of treatment.  In a sense this is the whole problem – borderline patients have no soothing parental mode to calm and care for them.  This contributes significantly to their inability to tolerate separation.  The therapist models the Healthy Adult for the patient, and the patient eventually internalizes the therapist’s attitudes, affects, and behaviors as this mode.  It is the goal of treatment to build the patient's Healthy Adult mode in order to nurture and protect the Abandoned Child, teach the Angry Child more appropriate ways of expressing anger, defeat and expel the Punitive Parent, and replace the Detached Protector.

Except for those who are very severe, borderline patients typically spend most of their time in the Detached Protector mode.  The function of this mode is to cut off emotional needs, disconnect from others, and behave submissively in order to avoid punishment.

When borderline patients are in the Detached Protector mode, they often appear normal.  They are “good patients.”  They do everything they are supposed to do and they act appropriately.  They come to their sessions on time, do their homework, and pay for their sessions promptly.  They do not act out nor lose control of their emotions.  In fact, many therapists inadvertently reinforce this mode.  The problem is that, when patients are in this mode, they are cut off from their own needs and feelings.  Rather than being true to themselves, they are basing their identity on gaining the therapist’s approval.  They are doing what the therapist wants them to do but they are not really connecting to the therapist.  Sometimes therapists spend a whole treatment with a borderline patient, never realizing that the patient is in the Detached Protector mode nearly the entire time.  The patient does not make significant progress, but rather just floats from session to session, feeling nothing and attaching to no one.

Signs and symptoms of the Detached Protector mode include depersonalization, emptiness, boredom, substance abuse, binging, self-mutilation, psychosomatic complaints, “blankness,” and robot-like compliance.  Patients often switch into the Detached Protector mode when their feelings are stirred up in sessions in order to cut the feelings off.  When patients are in the Detached Protector mode, the therapist's broad strategy is to help them experience emotions as they arise without blocking, reconnect to others, and express their needs.

It is important to realize that one mode can activate another mode.  For example, a patient might express a need in the Abandoned Child mode, and then switch into the Punitive Parent mode to punish herself for expressing the need, then switch into the Detached Protector to escape the pain of the punishment.

The Detached Protector mode is the reason why our exes are able to seemingly forget us so easily.  It may seem like the emotion ceases to exist, but it does not.  It is simply locked away.  Shut away where it can't hurt them.  It is a defense mechanism they learned early in life to tolerate life with such extreme emotions, especially when those extreme emotions were not tended to or even recognized.  It is indeed extremely painful for us to experience, however.  I completely agree.

[Confused108]

Wow that is INCREDIBLY heartless. So sorry to hear about that. It's impossible to figure out their behaviour. The 'switch' is scary when it comes, especially when the ex had been so caring in the past. My ex would look after me so well when I was ill; he'd cook, clean, bring me little gifts to cheer me up. To go from this to total and utter coldness is a shock to the system. He also cared about my family like they were his own - after we broke up he never once got in touch with a single one of them to apologise for his behaviour or to try and explain himself. Nothing! And he used to say he was closer with my brothers than his own. Unbelievable.

Hopeful that is just terrible. I know th feeling all too well. The phase when you are there everything and then boom your nothing but dog poop under their shoe. My ex at the end told me I was texting her too much and I was obsessed with her when just 3 days before she texted me she was missing me so bad she was climbing the walls. It's crazy!

[Confused108]

 Cosmonot it's funny you should post this but it does make a hell of a lot of sense to me now. When my ex contacted me again and we spoke  of our teen relationship she did tell me that regarding me she had to her exact words" Totally disconnect to deal with losing me" . My mother didn't like her and kind out we were dating and basically threatened her. After this she was never the same person. She became the person she is now. She herself also said she blocks things out that hurt her. So what you just posted makes a lot of sense. Thank you!

[C.Stein]

I doubt my ex even gives me a thought . Like I had mentioned on another post she is most likely onto her next victim.

Doubt mine even thinks of me either and she has replaced me.  Looks like she was already getting involved with him while we were still together, which just makes the cold-hearted deletion all the more painful.

[zundertowz]

What makes it tough is all our exes are different.  It's a spectrum disorder and most of the time is co-morbid with other mental illnesses.  So trying to figure out what's going on in someone else's exes minds through articles or text books is pretty much useless.  Knowing my ex and her history she could care less about me... used me to fill a need then on to the next. It hurts but it's the truth.

[Hopeful83]

The Detached Protector mode is the reason why our exes are able to seemingly forget us so easily.  It may seem like the emotion ceases to exist, but it does not.  It is simply locked away.  Shut away where it can't hurt them.  It is a defense mechanism they learned early in life to tolerate life with such extreme emotions, especially when those extreme emotions were not tended to or even recognized.  It is indeed extremely painful for us to experience, however.  I completely agree.

Thanks for this. Makes a lot of sense. It did feel like he was in some sort of weird robotic mode - one I had never seen from him before (well, not to that extent!). It just wasn't normal! When I told him it was over he didn't shed a single tear or even look that bothered. He said "I know it looks like I don't care, but I really do." And I just stared at him wondering what the hell was going on. What made it worse was that this all happened via Skype, making it even easier for him to detach the way he did.

It felt like the man I'd spent three years of my life with had turned into a stranger in the space of two week. Such a traumatic experience; it makes me shudder when I replay it all in my head  :'(

[Hopeful83]

Wow that is INCREDIBLY heartless. So sorry to hear about that. It's impossible to figure out their behaviour. The 'switch' is scary when it comes, especially when the ex had been so caring in the past. My ex would look after me so well when I was ill; he'd cook, clean, bring me little gifts to cheer me up. To go from this to total and utter coldness is a shock to the system. He also cared about my family like they were his own - after we broke up he never once got in touch with a single one of them to apologise for his behaviour or to try and explain himself. Nothing! And he used to say he was closer with my brothers than his own. Unbelievable.

Hopeful that is just terrible. I know th feeling all too well. The phase when you are there everything and then boom your nothing but dog poop under their shoe. My ex at the end told me I was texting her too much and I was obsessed with her when just 3 days before she texted me she was missing me so bad she was climbing the walls. It's crazy!

Totally crazy.

The thing that pains me about my ex is that he knew that whatever was 'happening' to him was wrong. Or so he claimed. When he said he'd seen his ex (and when I say ex I mean it in the loosest possible way - they knew each other in high school and had never properly dated! Plus he told me she messed him around repeatedly, a story his friends confirmed for me) and couldn't stop thinking about her, he followed it up by saying he knew that what he was feeling wasn't normal and that he was going to go and see a therapist about it. I still ended it because he made it sound like he was going to make a choice between me and her. Sorry, if you feel the need to choose between your girlfriend of three years who has always been there for you and some high school brat you knew years back (and who broke your heart) then you're not worthy of my time. Any normal, stable person would have fought for their girlfriend, but what did he do? He turned his back on me and came up with the most ridiculous explanation for his actions.

And here is the part that's difficult to come to terms with. His family didn't want us together, as I don't belong to the same religion/culture as them, so I know that they played a massive part in us breaking up. He said he went to the therapist in the end, and the 'therapist' told him that he was only with me out of guilt for three years, and to prove to himself he could love someone more than the ex! Yes, despite the fact he called me the love of his life, told me he wanted to marry me, loved and cared for my family, travelled the world with me etc. Oh and this brilliant therapist told him that his rage was due to the frustration he felt in the relationship - haha, that was the best part! Because tying a belt around your neck when you're raging is a normal response to a small argument. 

So I'm now convinced that the family paid off the 'therapist' (not impossible in the country he comes from) to tell him what they wanted him to hear, because this therapist's analysis of the situation was absolutely ridiculous. I'm no therapist, but I studied psychology, read a lot etc and I know what this person said just didn't make sense. If this is the case it pains me because he clearly knew that what he was doing was wrong, wanted help, but was surrounded by people who didn't want us together in the first place. I'm not justifying him at all, but if you're already battling demons, having people who hinder your potential progress does not help.

Either that or he never went to the therapist and made up all this nonsense by himself to justify his inexplicable actions.

Gosh, what a mess it was. When I think back to what a confusing mess the breakup was I'm surprised I've made the progress that I have in five months.

[Hopeful83]

What makes it tough is all our exes are different.  It's a spectrum disorder and most of the time is co-morbid with other mental illnesses.  So trying to figure out what's going on in someone else's exes minds through articles or text books is pretty much useless.  Knowing my ex and her history she could care less about me... used me to fill a need then on to the next. It hurts but it's the truth.

Precisely. That's why eventually I had to stop going through it all in my head and resign myself to the fact that I'll probably never know. I narrowed it down to two plausible explanations - BPD or cultural issues - although in all likelihood it was a combination of the two. And I closed the police file there. If I ever get any intel that's 'solid' enough to warrant me opening the file again I'd revisit, but for now it's closed and on a shelf.

[Learning Fast]

Cosmonaut,

Great post as it really resonates with me.  When she first disappeared about a year ago (after about a year long relationship) we texted back and forth (prior to the eventual recycle) and she would comment that "our relationship was stored in her vault that was locked" and how reconnecting would be "too painful for her to unlock the relationship".  Initially I thought---what, huh?  I had never heard that one before.  Now it makes all the sense in the world.

Since we parted in late June we've seen each other maybe four or fives times.  Each time has been exactly like the Young quote---unemotional, disconnected and robotic.  Any past experiences that we shared that happened to come up in conversation were met with a look on her face like they didn't register (or more likely it was too painful to remember).  Like HF83 said---it was like I was talking to an aquaintance or stranger.  This is something that you have to live thru to actually believe.

[SummerStorm]

Cosmonaut,

Great post as it really resonates with me.  When she first disappeared about a year ago (after about a year long relationship) we texted back and forth (prior to the eventual recycle) and she would comment that "our relationship was stored in her vault that was locked" and how reconnecting would be "too painful for her to unlock the relationship".  Initially I thought---what, huh?  I had never heard that one before.  Now it makes all the sense in the world.

Since we parted in late June we've seen each other maybe four or fives times.  Each time has been exactly like the Young quote---unemotional, disconnected and robotic.  Any past experiences that we shared that happened to come up in conversation were met with a look on her face like they didn't register (or more likely it was too painful to remember).  Like HF83 said---it was like I was talking to an aquaintance or stranger.  This is something that you have to live thru to actually believe.

I know that look and that response so well.  Mine locked everything about our friendship and our sexual relationship away.  She refuses to talk about any of it.  When she reconnected with me, she refused to acknowledge the first discard.