Another break up...back on Tinder

[SummerStorm]

So, I apparently have to change my Tinder settings because I just saw my former friend BPD on there... .again.

The funny thing is that I pretty much expected it.  I predicted that she wouldn't make it through the holidays with this new guy, and she made it one week after his birthday and one day after Thanksgiving. 

I know it's not right to say that we can predict their behaviors, but... .holidays are what gets her every single time, especially ones where she's not with her family.

After everything else that's happened recently, it was definitely tough to see her face pop up.  She actually looks a lot healthier than she did a month or so ago, so I'm grateful for that. 

No message from her, and I don't really expect one, but now I'm on edge again, of course.   

[Kelli Cornett]

My ex did the same. He is a loser.

[SummerStorm]

Like clockwork... .I just heard from her.  As expected, she's been reading my Facebook posts. 

I'm keeping things simple this time.  We'll see how it goes.

[Kelli Cornett]

Like clockwork... .I just heard from her.  As expected, she's been reading my Facebook posts. 

I'm keeping things simple this time.  We'll see how it goes.

Do you ever worry about them hooking up with a friend or aquatince you know? This is keeping me up at night.

I guess I could always move. I just see HUGE triangulation problems coming from that.


I wish tinder was never made!

[Mutt]

SummerStorm,

Why do you feel keyed up?

[Schermarhorn]

Like clockwork... .I just heard from her.  As expected, she's been reading my Facebook posts. 

I'm keeping things simple this time.  We'll see how it goes.

Did you contact her at all on Tinder?

How are you planning on handling it this time?

[SummerStorm]

SummerStorm,

Why do you feel keyed up?

The unknown, mostly.  If she hadn't contacted me, it really would have felt final to me.  She did, and it's different than the last time.  She has a job and an apartment, so she doesn't need anything from me like she did the last time.

Also, I was hoping she'd contact me again.  If we drift apart again, I want it to be gradual, rather than me triggering her and causing a rage.

[SummerStorm]

Like clockwork... .I just heard from her.  As expected, she's been reading my Facebook posts. 

I'm keeping things simple this time.  We'll see how it goes.

Did you contact her at all on Tinder?

How are you planning on handling it this time?

She texted me.

Two words: Radical Acceptance

One acronym: SET

[Schermarhorn]

Like clockwork... .I just heard from her.  As expected, she's been reading my Facebook posts. 

I'm keeping things simple this time.  We'll see how it goes.

Did you contact her at all on Tinder?

How are you planning on handling it this time?

She texted me.

Two words: Radical Acceptance

One acronym: SET

I'm not exactly sure how tinder works. If you saw her on there, does that mean your profile was displayed to her?

I'm wondering if she decided to contact you because she saw your profile on there.

[Mutt]

SummerStorm,

Why do you feel keyed up?

The unknown, mostly.  If she hadn't contacted me, it really would have felt final to me.  She did, and it's different than the last time.  She has a job and an apartment, so she doesn't need anything from me like she did the last time.

Also, I was hoping she'd contact me again.  If we drift apart again, I want it to be gradual, rather than me triggering her and causing a rage.

I can relate with feeling keyed up because of my ex wife. I can see how you would want things to gradually drift apart or maybe even get closure from your friend? I found it painful when my ex cut me off immediately. Honestly, I think that's a difficult part of the disorder to accept with how a person moves on rapidly after their bad behavior because it can leave us feeling traumatized, asking ourselves questions about what we did or what we could have done differently.

She is who she is. She's emotionally immature with relationships and I think that you have the right idea with radical acceptance. Personally I don't feel on edge with my ex wife's dysfunctional behavior and it took time to stop reacting when she's unstable or when she does something without thinking about how it impacts others. Some people don't have a lot of self awareness and don't understand how their actions / behaviors relates with others.

I also understand the stress and the anxiety associated with not knowing how things will play out. I can't control my ex wife and what she'll do but I can control with how I react with my thoughts and feelings. There was a period where I was ruminating about my ex. I think that added a lot of stress I didn't need but my goal was to detach. You mention good solutions for healing and coping with someone that suffers from BPD in our lives. Do you feel like you're emotionally attached with your ex friend?

[SummerStorm]

Like clockwork... .I just heard from her.  As expected, she's been reading my Facebook posts. 

I'm keeping things simple this time.  We'll see how it goes.

Did you contact her at all on Tinder?

How are you planning on handling it this time?

She texted me.

Two words: Radical Acceptance

One acronym: SET

I'm not exactly sure how tinder works. If you saw her on there, does that mean your profile was displayed to her?

I'm wondering if she decided to contact you because she saw your profile on there.

It's hard to tell, but I'm thinking that's a major possibility, though it seems a bit unlike her to set her age range that high.  Perhaps she did it to see if I was on there (she knows I've been on it for a few months now).

Actually, what I really think did it was seeing pictures of me and a mutual friend pop up on her timeline recently.  I would imagine seeing pictures of me, in my classroom, where we spent hours and hours talking, with a friend of ours, would bring back some memories for her. 

Generally speaking, after getting out of a "long" relationship (for her, that means more than a month), she seems to contact me. 

[SummerStorm]

SummerStorm,

Why do you feel keyed up?

The unknown, mostly.  If she hadn't contacted me, it really would have felt final to me.  She did, and it's different than the last time.  She has a job and an apartment, so she doesn't need anything from me like she did the last time.

Also, I was hoping she'd contact me again.  If we drift apart again, I want it to be gradual, rather than me triggering her and causing a rage.

I can relate with feeling keyed up because of my ex wife. I can see how you would want things to gradually drift apart or maybe even get closure from your friend? I found it painful when my ex cut me off immediately. Honestly, I think that's a difficult part of the disorder to accept with how a person moves on rapidly after their bad behavior because it can leave us feeling traumatized, asking ourselves questions about what we did or what we could have done differently.

At this point, I feel like I'm much better prepared to communicate with her.  The last time, I wanted to try to discuss what had happened between us and to have emotional conversations with her, but that's just not possible.  I would rather just casually text her and see how it goes.  The last time, I was so desperate to hear from her and so caught up in my emotions that I really didn't handle things very well.

She is who she is. She's emotionally immature with relationships and I think that you have the right idea with radical acceptance. Personally I don't feel on edge with my ex wife's dysfunctional behavior and it took time to stop reacting when she's unstable or when she does something without thinking about how it impacts others. Some people don't have a lot of self awareness and don't understand how their actions / behaviors relates with others.

I have other friends who are emotionally mature, so she will just have to be the friend I talk to about things that aren't serious.  That's how our friendship started anyway, and it was actually when I had the most fun with her.

I also understand the stress and the anxiety associated with not knowing how things will play out. I can't control my ex wife and what she'll do but I can control with how I react with my thoughts and feelings. There was a period where I was ruminating about my ex. I think that added a lot of stress I didn't need but my goal was to detach. You mention good solutions for healing and coping with someone that suffers from BPD in our lives. Do you feel like you're emotionally attached with your ex friend?

At this point, I would like to completely emotionally detach, but I don't think I want to detach from the friendship.  She will just need to be put into a separate category of friends.  She sent me a friend request on Facebook, which is a good sign because I think it will help her with object consistency.  

[Mutt]

Honestly when I think about relationships and friends feeling on edge is not something that comes to mind. My friends don't make me feel anxiety and stress. I feel like I can be who I am without worrying about it and I can turn to them. When I think about what friends mean to me what comes to my mind is respect, support, trust, love. I can be friendly but I don't necessarily have to be friends with my ex wife. How do you feel about friendship?

[SummerStorm]

Honestly when I think about relationships and friends feeling on edge is not something that comes to mind. My friends don't make me feel anxiety and stress. I feel like I can be who I am without worrying about it and I can turn to them. When I think about what friends mean to me what comes to my mind is respect, support, trust, love. I can be friendly but I don't necessarily have to be friends with my ex wife. How do you feel about friendship?

I don't think "on edge" was really the right wording for how I was feeling.  Actually, more than anything, it was hopeful. 

I personally feel like their are different types of friends.  For example, I have friends who know about my bisexuality and those who don't.  I have friends who I only see at work and don't talk to over the summer break and friends I spend time with outside of work.  I have former students who have graduated and are getting married and starting families, so I consider them friends and talk to them, but I wouldn't share incredibly personal things with them.  I can count on one hand and the number of friends I trust enough to reveal personal information to, but I need several hands to count the number of people I consider friends.  I talk to the librarian at work several times a week, and she knows a lot about me.  I would consider her a friend.  However, I wouldn't say I love her.  And I don't talk to her outside of work or have her phone number. 

At the end of the day, my pwBPD knows more about me than anyone else, even more than my own mother knows about me.  And I understand projection enough to know that the mean things she's said to me in the past had nothing to do with me and everything to do with how she feels about herself. 

She knows I have low self-esteem and don't think I'm attractive at all.  She's said all sorts of mean things to me, but she has never once called me ugly or targeted this insecurity of mine.

She knows that I cannot stand homophobia, and she knew how nervous I was back in April, when the gay/straight alliance at school celebrated the national Day of Silence, right around the time that a group of parents decided to protest the GSA.  Students had started rumors about me and my sexuality, and that is something that just can't get out in the district where I work.  I was filled with anxiety, and she was in another state, visiting her mom.  That morning, she texted me and said, "Be proud of who you are."  She told me that I would get through the day and told me not to let anyone get away with saying anything offensive. 

By now, I know what will trigger her, and one of the biggest things is her thinking that we aren't friends.  As soon as I say anything about us not being friends or not being close anymore, her abandonment fears kick in, and she pushes me away. 

Today's conversation was the best and longest one we've had since June.  I know she still has BPD, and I know that I need to practice validation and communication techniques, but I am willing to try.  I almost lost her five months ago.  That was one of the worst days of my life, hands down. 

Unlike the last time, I didn't sit and wonder when she would reply to me.  I sat and put together a fake Christmas tree, made dinner, listened to music, and worked on a paper for my grad class.  If I hear from her again tonight, great.  If not, that's fine.  I'm not going to trigger her engulfment fears by becoming clingy or by pushing her for more information than she's willing to give.  I'm not going to ask her about her breakup with her most recent boyfriend because it doesn't matter.  It doesn't have anything to do with me.  One thing I've learned is that she will reveal things to me in her own time. 

I saw shades of self-awareness today.  She's struggling right now, and I think she's in a place where she is starting to realize that things really aren't good.  She's barely able to pay her electric bill each month.  At the end of the day, there are probably less than five people out there who know she has BPD, and probably not many more than that know she attempted suicide in June.  I'm one of those people. 

Unlike the last time, I am taking care of me first.  My new guitar arrives tomorrow.  I just signed up for the last class in my Masters program.  I made plans with a friend of mine to go to a concert in June, and another friend and I are going to the zoo in April.  And now that my current grad class is winding down, I should be able to make it to my book club in December and January. 

[Mutt]

It sounds like your conversation went well. You are welcome to share on any board and all of the boards have different uses and applications.

You probably already know that we have a new forum. It will help you with validation, communication and boundaries. Saving a relationship https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=15.0

[Turkish]

Like clockwork... .I just heard from her.  As expected, she's been reading my Facebook posts. 

I'm keeping things simple this time.  We'll see how it goes.

Did you contact her at all on Tinder?

How are you planning on handling it this time?

She texted me.

Two words: Radical Acceptance

One acronym: SET

How would she know those terms?

[Kelli Cornett]

Sounds like she cared for you even though maybe she couldn't be a proper partner.

[SummerStorm]

Like clockwork... .I just heard from her.  As expected, she's been reading my Facebook posts. 

I'm keeping things simple this time.  We'll see how it goes.

Did you contact her at all on Tinder?

How are you planning on handling it this time?

She texted me.

Two words: Radical Acceptance

One acronym: SET

How would she know those terms?

That was in reply to nonya asking how I'm handling this.  I didn't mention those terms to my pwBPD. 

[Suzn]

I saw shades of self-awareness today.  She's struggling right now, and I think she's in a place where she is starting to realize that things really aren't good.  She's barely able to pay her electric bill each month.  

Was this self awareness or awareness that she can't pay her electric bill? Will you pick her up and carry her or walk beside her as she works out her own struggles?

I personally feel like their are different types of friends.  For example, I have friends who know about my bisexuality and those who don't.  I have friends who I only see at work and don't talk to over the summer break and friends I spend time with outside of work.  I have former students who have graduated and are getting married and starting families, so I consider them friends and talk to them, but I wouldn't share incredibly personal things with them.  I can count on one hand and the number of friends I trust enough to reveal personal information to, but I need several hands to count the number of people I consider friends.  I talk to the librarian at work several times a week, and she knows a lot about me.  I would consider her a friend.  However, I wouldn't say I love her.  And I don't talk to her outside of work or have her phone number.

I have similar categories for friends and it looks more like acquaintances, friends and close friends. I worked off of this "guide" while developing friendships with people in any of those categories, this, adapted to friendships by simply replacing the word partner with friend.  (because a lot of it is for romantic partners and of course there's a big difference in those two categories)

Characteristics of Healthy Relationships

Where does your BPD friend fit in your types of friends? I think it's great that you are not planning to give up your future plans for yourself and become enmeshed.

[shatra]

Black and blue wrote

Sounds like she cared for you even though maybe she couldn't be a proper partner.

----Not disputing you, just wondering-----what in the posts makes you think that she cared? Just curious, as they act so uncaring