She Needs Money to Pay Off Drug Dealer Threatening to Harm Her or Family

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

After i wouldn't send her any more money, she moved into another guy's place that I knew was involved in drugs. I EXPLICITLY told her that that environment and him is dangerous and she must get out of there but she wouldn't listen.

This is the story she has told me over Skype (i have recorded the conversations)

She then told me she has borrowed money from the guy she is sleeping with, a loan shark, and other creditors. However, some portion of the money borrowed turned out to be money needed to pay a Drug Dealer who later arrived demanding payment. The Dealer is demanding she comes with him now. She is begging I send her more money, and Ive asked her to call her friends and family and no one else is willing to help her OR she won't ask any one else. SHE DOESN'T WANT ME CONTACTING ANYONE. I sent her a part payment, so that she could pay the Drug Dealer an go home safely, but he is demanding more money today

[9:06:00 AM] Her: I cant reach you again. Im scared. Its gonna happen.

[9:15:24 AM] Me: H****, contact the authorities, this is a police matter now

[9:17:15 AM] Her: D** can you not help me?

[9:18:03 AM] Her: Do not make things worse for me and my family.

[9:18:17 AM] Me: H****, you are to message the authorities or your Dad immeditately

[9:18:28 AM] Her: If you cannot help me, I will submit to him. I wont have a face to show you anymore.

[9:18:33 AM] Me: This is a police matter, your life is in danger

[9:18:44 AM] Her: I trusted you.

[9:18:53 AM] Her: You are making things worst.

[9:19:46 AM] Her: You have a lot to know about the real world. You are making things worse, youre not being a hero.

[9:20:29 AM] Her: Tell me now if you can get me the money, or I will submit to him and you wont hear from me again.

[9:20:49 AM] Her: Just leave my family alone.

[9:21:30 AM] Her: What are you doing? Are you telling other people now about this?

[9:21:53 AM] Her: Are you typing to them thinking youre doing the RIGHT thing?

[9:23:02 AM] Her: Im not having thm killed. You are stupid.

[9:23:16 AM] Her: Tell me now, are you going to help or we lose contact now

[9:23:28 AM] Her: Youre making things harder for me.

Her: Youre putting my family in danger now too?

[9:25:32 AM] Her: Keep my family and loved ones out of this. You only making things worse.

[9:25:34 AM] Me: H***, you are to Contact K** or Your Dad immediately

[9:25:41 AM] Me: I'm taking this matter very seriously

[9:25:46 AM] Her: F%$K youre only acting crazier

[9:25:50 AM] Me: you have 5 minutes, I want to know what they say

[9:26:00 AM] Her: What?

[9:26:10 AM] Her: How can you even think of that?

[9:26:22 AM] Her: Can you not get the money now?

[9:26:45 AM] Her: I will lose contact with you immediately. You are dangerous.

[9:27:00 AM] Her: Are you gonna help me or just gonna make things worse?

[9:27:21 AM] Her: Telling you about this gets my family in danger because of YOU

Her: YOU never know what to do right.

Me: I don't have money for you. So you are to contact K**, Your Dad, or the Authorities immediately

[9:28:33 AM] Her: I cant believe im dealing with your stupidity at this point

[9:28:51 AM] Her: I wont talk to you again.

[9:29:13 AM] Her: If you tell anyone about this, I will admit as having joined them long ago.

[9:29:36 AM] Her: You did this to me D**. I despise you!



[9:30:12 AM] Me: Its 9:30am

[9:30:36 AM] Me: By 10am, if you haven't contacted K**, Your Dad or Authorities, I will

[9:30:36 AM] Her: Its always some "a.m." or "p.m."

[9:30:51 AM] Her: You will?

[9:31:18 AM] Her: There is no stopping your from harming me and my family

[9:31:42 AM] Me: You have told me your life is in danger, YOU must take drastic action to keep yourself safe, or I will

[9:33:07 AM] Me: Call K**, or your Dad and ask them for money to pay

[9:33:11 AM] Her: I swear youll never hear from me again. I dont trust you have my best interest at heart. You only want more harm and to include my family and child

... .it seems she ONLY wants me to pay the money, and won't speak to anyone else, and won't turn to anyone else for help. Part of me thinks this is all manipulation.

[daz_bpd]

After i wouldn't send her any more money, she moved into another guy's place that I knew was involved in drugs. I EXPLICITLY told her that that environment and him is dangerous and she must get out of there but she wouldn't listen.

This is the story she has told me over Skype (i have recorded the conversations)

She then told me she has borrowed money from the guy she is sleeping with, a loan shark, and other creditors. However, some portion of the money borrowed turned out to be money needed to pay a Drug Dealer who later arrived demanding payment. The Dealer is demanding she comes with him now. She is begging I send her more money, and Ive asked her to call her friends and family and no one else is willing to help her OR she won't ask any one else. SHE DOESN'T WANT ME CONTACTING ANYONE. I sent her a part payment, so that she could pay the Drug Dealer an go home safely, but he is demanding more money today

[9:06:00 AM] Her: I cant reach you again. Im scared. Its gonna happen.

[9:15:24 AM] Me: H****, contact the authorities, this is a police matter now

[9:17:15 AM] Her: D** can you not help me?

[9:18:03 AM] Her: Do not make things worse for me and my family.

[9:18:17 AM] Me: H****, you are to message the authorities or your Dad immeditately

[9:18:28 AM] Her: If you cannot help me, I will submit to him. I wont have a face to show you anymore.

[9:18:33 AM] Me: This is a police matter, your life is in danger

[9:18:44 AM] Her: I trusted you.

[9:18:53 AM] Her: You are making things worst.

[9:19:46 AM] Her: You have a lot to know about the real world. You are making things worse, youre not being a hero.

[9:20:29 AM] Her: Tell me now if you can get me the money, or I will submit to him and you wont hear from me again.

[9:20:49 AM] Her: Just leave my family alone.

[9:21:30 AM] Her: What are you doing? Are you telling other people now about this?

[9:21:53 AM] Her: Are you typing to them thinking youre doing the RIGHT thing?

[9:23:02 AM] Her: Im not having thm killed. You are stupid.

[9:23:16 AM] Her: Tell me now, are you going to help or we lose contact now

[9:23:28 AM] Her: Youre making things harder for me.

Her: Youre putting my family in danger now too?

[9:25:32 AM] Her: Keep my family and loved ones out of this. You only making things worse.

[9:25:34 AM] Me: H***, you are to Contact K** or Your Dad immediately

[9:25:41 AM] Me: I'm taking this matter very seriously

[9:25:46 AM] Her: F%$K youre only acting crazier

[9:25:50 AM] Me: you have 5 minutes, I want to know what they say

[9:26:00 AM] Her: What?

[9:26:10 AM] Her: How can you even think of that?

[9:26:22 AM] Her: Can you not get the money now?

[9:26:45 AM] Her: I will lose contact with you immediately. You are dangerous.

[9:27:00 AM] Her: Are you gonna help me or just gonna make things worse?

[9:27:21 AM] Her: Telling you about this gets my family in danger because of YOU

Her: YOU never know what to do right.

Me: I don't have money for you. So you are to contact K**, Your Dad, or the Authorities immediately

[9:28:33 AM] Her: I cant believe im dealing with your stupidity at this point

[9:28:51 AM] Her: I wont talk to you again.

[9:29:13 AM] Her: If you tell anyone about this, I will admit as having joined them long ago.

[9:29:36 AM] Her: You did this to me D**. I despise you!



[9:30:12 AM] Me: Its 9:30am

[9:30:36 AM] Me: By 10am, if you haven't contacted K**, Your Dad or Authorities, I will

[9:30:36 AM] Her: Its always some "a.m." or "p.m."

[9:30:51 AM] Her: You will?

[9:31:18 AM] Her: There is no stopping your from harming me and my family

[9:31:42 AM] Me: You have told me your life is in danger, YOU must take drastic action to keep yourself safe, or I will

[9:33:07 AM] Me: Call K**, or your Dad and ask them for money to pay

[9:33:11 AM] Her: I swear youll never hear from me again. I dont trust you have my best interest at heart. You only want more harm and to include my family and child

... .it seems she ONLY wants me to pay the money, and won't speak to anyone else, and won't turn to anyone else for help. Part of me thinks this is all manipulation.

[Hope12345]

Total manipulation.  She does it because you allow it.  Stop seeing her for the person she isnt and go NC immediately. 

[Svarl1]

I take it you earned that money by your work. If it ends up with some scumbag drug dealer then you disrespect yourself.

As part of you thinks, and as Hope suggests above, it's manipulative. The more money you send then the more she'll feel able to repeat the process.

It may sound harsh, but the only way a person changes is by first having to confront the consequences of their behaviour.

If you're worried about her safety from assault, then that's a matter for the police and not for you to sort out. Tell her that if she pressures you one more time then you'll tell the cops everything.

[sweetheart]

After i wouldn't send her any more money, she moved into another guy's place that I knew was involved in drugs. I EXPLICITLY told her that that environment and him is dangerous and she must get out of there but she wouldn't listen.

This is the story she has told me over Skype (i have recorded the conversations)

She then told me she has borrowed money from the guy she is sleeping with, a loan shark, and other creditors. However, some portion of the money borrowed turned out to be money needed to pay a Drug Dealer who later arrived demanding payment. The Dealer is demanding she comes with him now. She is begging I send her more money, and Ive asked her to call her friends and family and no one else is willing to help her OR she won't ask any one else. SHE DOESN'T WANT ME CONTACTING ANYONE. I sent her a part payment, so that she could pay the Drug Dealer an go home safely, but he is demanding more money today

[9:06:00 AM] Her: I cant reach you again. Im scared. Its gonna happen.

[9:15:24 AM] Me: H****, contact the authorities, this is a police matter now

[9:17:15 AM] Her: D** can you not help me?

[9:18:03 AM] Her: Do not make things worse for me and my family.

[9:18:17 AM] Me: H****, you are to message the authorities or your Dad immeditately

[9:18:28 AM] Her: If you cannot help me, I will submit to him. I wont have a face to show you anymore.

[9:18:33 AM] Me: This is a police matter, your life is in danger

[9:18:44 AM] Her: I trusted you.

[9:18:53 AM] Her: You are making things worst.

[9:19:46 AM] Her: You have a lot to know about the real world. You are making things worse, youre not being a hero.

[9:20:29 AM] Her: Tell me now if you can get me the money, or I will submit to him and you wont hear from me again.

[9:20:49 AM] Her: Just leave my family alone.

[9:21:30 AM] Her: What are you doing? Are you telling other people now about this?

[9:21:53 AM] Her: Are you typing to them thinking youre doing the RIGHT thing?

[9:23:02 AM] Her: Im not having thm killed. You are stupid.

[9:23:16 AM] Her: Tell me now, are you going to help or we lose contact now

[9:23:28 AM] Her: Youre making things harder for me.

Her: Youre putting my family in danger now too?

[9:25:32 AM] Her: Keep my family and loved ones out of this. You only making things worse.

[9:25:34 AM] Me: H***, you are to Contact K** or Your Dad immediately

[9:25:41 AM] Me: I'm taking this matter very seriously

[9:25:46 AM] Her: F%$K youre only acting crazier

[9:25:50 AM] Me: you have 5 minutes, I want to know what they say

[9:26:00 AM] Her: What?

[9:26:10 AM] Her: How can you even think of that?

[9:26:22 AM] Her: Can you not get the money now?

[9:26:45 AM] Her: I will lose contact with you immediately. You are dangerous.

[9:27:00 AM] Her: Are you gonna help me or just gonna make things worse?

[9:27:21 AM] Her: Telling you about this gets my family in danger because of YOU

Her: YOU never know what to do right.

Me: I don't have money for you. So you are to contact K**, Your Dad, or the Authorities immediately

[9:28:33 AM] Her: I cant believe im dealing with your stupidity at this point

[9:28:51 AM] Her: I wont talk to you again.

[9:29:13 AM] Her: If you tell anyone about this, I will admit as having joined them long ago.

[9:29:36 AM] Her: You did this to me D**. I despise you!



[9:30:12 AM] Me: Its 9:30am

[9:30:36 AM] Me: By 10am, if you haven't contacted K**, Your Dad or Authorities, I will

[9:30:36 AM] Her: Its always some "a.m." or "p.m."

[9:30:51 AM] Her: You will?

[9:31:18 AM] Her: There is no stopping your from harming me and my family

[9:31:42 AM] Me: You have told me your life is in danger, YOU must take drastic action to keep yourself safe, or I will

[9:33:07 AM] Me: Call K**, or your Dad and ask them for money to pay

[9:33:11 AM] Her: I swear youll never hear from me again. I dont trust you have my best interest at heart. You only want more harm and to include my family and child

... .it seems she ONLY wants me to pay the money, and won't speak to anyone else, and won't turn to anyone else for help. Part of me thinks this is all manipulation.

Hello daz,

I understand the urge to try and sort this and offer to help and you also know that no good will come of this for either of you. The help you extended before made no difference.

If you really want to help her and you honestly believe her life is in danger, you could involve the police, you could do this anonymously.

Entering into lengthy, circular conversations like the one above are a no-no.

What do you want to do?

Why are you in so much contact with her, given that she is with someone else? ( I'm not trying to be provocative )

My advice is to stay out of this. It's messy and escalating and you cannot sort it.

[hope2727]

Hello,

I am sorry you are enduring all this.

I have two insights for you.

1) If she is truly in danger go to the police with all your communications and leave it in their hands. Then block all forms of communication forever.

2) Consider that it may ALL be a fabrication to get money. There may be no drug dealer or abusive boyfriend at all. It may all be an elaborate story to achieve her goals. She may be playing more than just you. She may be telling others you are just as threatening and getting money from them to protect her from you. I would not be shocked if years later long after you have healed you discover this to be the case.

So try to breathe. Realize that she is an adult who is capable of facing the consequences of her actions. IF she were really in physical danger she would contact her family or the police herself. Or she would simply flee. The healthiest thing you can do for yourself (and in truth her) is cut all contact.

Hope you are ok. Sorry to be so blunt. Hugs.

[Confused?]

I know you love her and care about her but you seriously need to get out of this situation. She is taking drastic measures to manipulate and it's only a matter of time before she takes action against you.

[Grey Kitty]

You can't save her from this.

Your statement that she should go to somebody else, or authorities over this is the best advice you can give.

Is she trying to manipulate you? Is she genuinely reaching out to you for help? I don't know, and it doesn't really matter. Either way, it is likely to continue as long as you are susceptible to it. If it is manipulation, she will keep doing it while it works. If it is a genuine need due to a really bad situation, it was her own issues and bad judgement that got her into the situation in the first place, so even if you bail her out, she's not going to magically resolve her own issues and start using good judgement.

You say that you *did* send her a part payment, so she has good reason to believe that this is working--she did get money out of you.

The only other possibility for you to consider is that if you hear something from her that makes it sound like she is in immediate danger, you could ask the police to do a "wellness check" on her, telling them that she's texted you that she and her family are at risk.

It is a pretty safe bet that she will be furious at you if she has any idea you are involved with that. She wants you to give her money to get her out of her mess, not get authorities involved. But she's already furious at you. OTOH, it might save her or her children from harm. You really can't know.

[Mutt]

I think that I'm comfortable now and I see a distinct pattern with my ex wife. BPD took time for me to wrap my head around the behaviors and the motivation behind the actions.

BPD is a persecution complex - the person's circumstances are always caused by outside influences and not by the person's actions. She is mentally ill and truly believes that her circumstances is due to the actions / behaviors of others. It's always someone else's fault.

My ex wife triangulates often when she is floundering. Not all triangulation is bad, there is also good triangulation. Is your ex in a position in her life where she is self-aware and self reflects? Does she understand how her behaviors relates with others?

My ex will triangulate me with the kids when she feels bad or she's struggling at home. A pwBPD want rescue and may not necessarily be aware of their behaviors, it could be subconscious. The person will cast themselves in either the victim role or rescuer role.

... .it seems she ONLY wants me to pay the money, and won't speak to anyone else, and won't turn to anyone else for help. Part of me thinks this is all manipulation.

What can we do to not step into a triangle?

[daz_bpd]

I was sent these two messages after 'abandoning her again', but I simply cannot afford to help her any more. I am broke again after supporting her for 3 years, no matter how many times I rescue her, the next 'emergency' occurs and then the cycle starts all over again. Her latest demand included, 'I pay for the debt she owes the guy she cheated on me with, the drug-dealer whom is asking for money, and other creditors, as well as a flight home to spent time with her daughter for Christmas' - I told her i would do my best to help her be there with her daughter for Christmas but explicitly mentioned I CANNOT make any promises, as i am currently broke. After i sent partial payment, to take her out of harms way, she demanded more funds the very next day, and I didn't want to burden my friends and family any more. I owe money to the bank, friends and family, ALL borrowed in an attempt to help her reach dreams, yet nothing I do seems to matter to her, and she doesn't show any appreciation or gratitude. I've been the ONLY one supporting her and yet she hates me more than anyone else on this earth.

Her First Email:

One day I will no longer need you, and on that day, I will remember what you did when I used to. You will never be in my thoughts nor in my heart.

No matter what you say, you will not have any other chance to be with me. You will pay for everything you've done. Every inch of me despises you.

You kept NONE of your promises. I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU SO MUCH!

Her Second Email:

You promised to have me home with my daughter. You lied. You lied about everything.

I vow to treat you like ___ for the rest of my life. Even if you're not with me, I will only talk ___ of you. That's all you'll ever get from me! You have NO SPINE, YOU BREAK ALL PROMISES, YOU ARE NOTHING BUT ___!

I thought to myself, over and over, if one day you get on your knees, holding the world's most expensive handbag, and ask for forgiveness, I will burn the handbag in front of you,  pour gasoline on you and burn you too. Imagine how much I DESPISE YOU! I have never hated anyone like this, YOU ARE CANCER!

[GaGrl]

It's about time you got angry.

[kc sunshine]

I'm with you-- NC.

[Mutt]

Hi daz_BPD,

I notice 3 contact failures in your thread title.

Fail often. Big successes are not without having failed. It takes practice to get it right.

It's about time you got angry.

Anger helps us to detach from unhealthy relationships. Maybe you had to go through this to get to your anger.

[daz_bpd]

My father had a terrible temper. I took pride in remaining cool, calm and collected during conflict, but I think in this case, my ability to keep a level-head actually allowed her to walk over me more.

I don't want to be an angry person, and will let out my aggression through healthy means - I just got back from fitness class

Thank you for your responses

[Mutt]

I think in this case, my ability to keep a level-head actually allowed her to walk over me more.

Do you think that you avoid conflict?

Are you worried that if you feel anger that you are an image of your father?

There is healthy and unhealthy anger.

[itgirl]

Is it possible to block her on Skype and other means of contact?  This chick is manipulating you in a horrible way.  I am rooting for you.  The mountain you have to climb looks high but you have to take the first step.  I am on 2 months low contact and I am almost healed and I am HAPPY AGAIN.

I am rooting for you. 

[daz_bpd]

@itgirl, She is blocked from Skype, Facebook and other social platforms. I have filters in my email which divert her messages.

Unfortunately, she can use free online messaging services OR other cell phones to contact my cellphone. i changed my cellphone number before, however with enough effort from her, you can eventually find out the new number.

[Skip]

She's desperate and fearful and lashing out.

How are these emails affecting you?

[fromheeltoheal]

My father had a terrible temper. I took pride in remaining cool, calm and collected during conflict, but I think in this case, my ability to keep a level-head actually allowed her to walk over me more.

I don't want to be an angry person, and will let out my aggression through healthy means - I just got back from fitness class

What is your ability to keep a level head?  Is it an ability to deny your anger, to suppress it, because you don't want to be your father?  Being angry at someone over a specific issue and being an 'angry person' are two different things, and sometimes anger is appropriate.  They're your emotions and I'm not promoting anything, but if some gal bludgeoned me with the crap yours is spewing at you I'd remove her from my life immediately, but that's easy for me to say from a detached place, you're deep in it, and congrats on turning to us for support and opinions.

Hard to say what's real, but reading the exchange I envisioned someone swirling around, trapped in a whirlpool, reaching their hand for yours and btching when you won't take it.  If we don't take care of ourselves first we have nothing to give, and sometimes a letting go is the best thing that can happen to someone, it may take them to a place so dark that the light that was faint can now be seen and they move towards it.  Is it time to let go yet?

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Unfortunately, she can use free online messaging services OR other cell phones to contact my cellphone. i changed my cellphone number before, however with enough effort from her, you can eventually find out the new number.

daz, cheering for you in the biggest way!

I did not change my phone number.  But I have not answered a single call from an unknown number in over a year.  If I don't answer, he cannot get me.  If it is someone else legitimate, they can leave and message and I call them back.  So even if she gets your new number, just don't answer any unknown calls.

I may never answer another unknown number in my life. My ex contacted me over 700 times.  Sometimes from his number.  Often times from other numbers. But my no answer strategy has worked.  H never once accidentally got me on the phone.

For text messaging, I also signed up for mightytext (android only).  That way I could read text messages on the computer without opening them on my phone .  He said he could tell when I read my txt messages.  I don't know if he really could, but I didn't want to chance it so this is a workaround for reading messages from unknown numbers that might be legitimate. 

You are fighting the good fight. 

[daz_bpd]

Thank you for your responses.

Ive been able to maintain NO CONTACT over these last few days. Her emails, missed calls and a mass of messages have been sent to me. A few I opened but didn't respond to.

[C.Stein]

Ive been able to maintain NO CONTACT over these last few days.

And you should continue to do so.  Nothing about this situation is right and I think you know that.  It is time for her to sink or swim on her own.

[Suzn]

Ive been able to maintain NO CONTACT over these last few days. Her emails, missed calls and a mass of messages have been sent to me. A few I opened but didn't respond to.

Good for you for holding your boundaries. 

How are you doing otherwise?

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Way to go, daz!  Keep up the good work.  So very proud of you and pleased for you. 

Just remember feelings follow behavior.  Because of course we cannot feel something we haven't done.  So we must DO it before we FEEL comfortable/easy/sure/____ (fill in the blank with other feelings) about it.  Likewise,  the fact that we might not "feel it" doesn't mean we shouldn't do it. 

WOO-HOO!

[daz_bpd]

Im still NO CONTACT

Ive been dating someone else now, and feeling VERY anxious about her seeing other guys (before we have established how committed we will be to each other), Im hoping I can work through some of my insecurities now, before they become a problem in future interactions / relationships

[Mutt]

daz_BPD,

You could work on your insecurities while in a relationship. Do you feel like your insecurities are hindering you with the new person that you're dating? It sounds like you really like her. Don't be hard on yourself.

Do you think that she wants a romantic relationship?

[Aussie0zborn]

Well done. You've gone from a horribly manipulative situation to starting a new life. Good to hear.