Obsessed with BPD?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Two years ago I didn't even know that this thing existed.

I work my a$$ off and find myself paying maintenance to allow a serious disordered (but highly functioning witch) look after my children.

But I do have my boundaries. Lol

There is a question somewhere here. Am I obsessed by this thing called BPD?

I swear that I had a dysregulation tonight and that I split her all black quite regularly. I spend an inordinate amount of time on a website dedicated to it.

Am I obsessed by this thing? I know she isn't

[Moselle]

Two years ago I didn't even know that this thing existed.

I work my a$$ off and find myself paying maintenance to allow a serious disordered (but highly functioning witch) look after my children.

But I do have my boundaries. Lol

There is a question somewhere here. Am I obsessed by this thing called BPD?

I swear that I had a dysregulation tonight and that I split her all black quite regularly. I spend an inordinate amount of time on a website dedicated to it.

Am I obsessed by this thing? I know she isn't

[kc sunshine]

hahaha, me too!

Hopefully we're weaning off our other obsession (our ex-BPDs) through it though... .

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey Moselle-

Am I obsessed by this thing called BPD?

I'm not sure what you mean by obsessed.  For me learning about the disorder was a godsend, suddenly all of her behaviors made sense, not only that, plenty of other folks here were experiencing similar things with their partners, so the confusion and the feeling of being totally alone both vanished immediately.  That was good, because then I could start to deal with the abuse, the PTSD and the anger, and dig deeply into why I ended up where I did when I was a volunteer, could have left at any time.  That's been my obsession, digging into my stuff, stuff I was either denying or didn't know existed prior to borderline school, and that's the best kind of obsession.

So where is your obsession taking you?

[Mutt]

I swear that I had a dysregulation tonight and that I split her all black quite regularly. I spend an inordinate amount of time on a website dedicated to it.

Am I obsessed by this thing? I know she isn't

Hi Moselle,

When you say split black do you mean that you are angry at her? A high-conflict divorce is tough and maybe it's difficult to come to an agreement? I agree with fromheeltoheal that learning about the disorder helped me understand why she does what she does and it helped me to accept the disorder. It didn't happen for me while I was going through courts because of all of the emotions with fear, anxiety and stress.

[enlighten me]

I get ya.

I guess Im the same. I don't know about obsessed but I do find it an interesting subject. Theres a lot that I get now that 18 months ago I was totally baffled by.

With BPD though every days a school day. Theres always something new to learn and even more unanswered questions.

Add to that the curiosity of whether our exs partners may turn up here. Well for me anyway.

[thisworld]

I think effects of the trauma caused by these people actually goes deeper than we can notice at first and recovery is not always linear. Sometimes, we find ourselves under the attack of feelings that we thought we sorted out. And I don't think we need to think about this with BPD terms like dysregulation, some causes are different, objective is different. It is a process of healing. I also think sometimes it's harder for men to deal with trauma and hurt because of the pressure of certain gender roles, so things may be coming up like this. It's good to accept where we are in terms of healing and carry on with working on ourselves. I don't think you'll end up as someone spending the rest of his life obsessed with BPD. This will subside. (If obsessive thoughts attack, don't fight them, accept them and let them run in your mind while you are doing what you are doing, they get weaker) If not some therapy will sort it out quickly. Your journey will not be like that of a personality disordered individual, you will most probably thrive. Also, some feelings come when we feel safer subconsciously because we allow ourselves to feel them. Have a nice day. 

[SummerStorm]

Add to that the curiosity of whether our exs partners may turn up here. Well for me anyway.

I think about this all the time, .  I keep looking for some poor guy to show up here and describe my pwBPD.  Since June, when she was diagnosed, I've wondered if she will tell future partners about it.  She told me and her ex, but that was before she got out of the hospital and really even knew anything about BPD. 

She is definitely the type who accepts her diagnoses, but she never actually does anything about them, so it wouldn't surprise me if she did tell people. 

[blackbirdsong]

Yes, I am obsessed with BPD. Almost one month in NC phase.

During my relationship I felt something seriously was wrong. Started thinking I am going crazy.

She projected a lot of things to me, because my poor self confidence, I started believe in all of this.

This forum and BPD materials in general showed me a path to follow in order to recover. So, I still think that I am obsessed in a positive way, if that even exist. I now realize that some things I did wrong, and I study BPD so that I can work on myself. Not that I have BPD, but want to work on my inner issues that were attracted to BPD.

[fromheeltoheal]

Add to that the curiosity of whether our exs partners may turn up here. Well for me anyway.

I think about this all the time, .  I keep looking for some poor guy to show up here and describe my pwBPD.  Since June, when she was diagnosed, I've wondered if she will tell future partners about it.  She told me and her ex, but that was before she got out of the hospital and really even knew anything about BPD. 

She is definitely the type who accepts her diagnoses, but she never actually does anything about them, so it wouldn't surprise me if she did tell people. 

I did the math on this once, since we all kind of wonder at first if an ex or an ex's ex might find us here and blow our cover, although today I wouldn't care.  If we just figure the folks who would meet the criteria for a diagnosis, 2% of the population, that's 6 million people.  If we figure an average of 10 relationships per adult borderline, figuring 2 years per relationship, that's 60 million people.  There are about 15,000 members here who have posted 5 or more posts.  So that's 3/100 of 1 percent, or 0.03%, of folks who've potentially hooked up with a borderline have also found their way here, an extremely small number.  So chances are slim, very slim, but still, we wonder... .

[SummerStorm]

Add to that the curiosity of whether our exs partners may turn up here. Well for me anyway.

I think about this all the time, .  I keep looking for some poor guy to show up here and describe my pwBPD.  Since June, when she was diagnosed, I've wondered if she will tell future partners about it.  She told me and her ex, but that was before she got out of the hospital and really even knew anything about BPD. 

She is definitely the type who accepts her diagnoses, but she never actually does anything about them, so it wouldn't surprise me if she did tell people. 

I did the math on this once, since we all kind of wonder at first if an ex or an ex's ex might find us here and blow our cover, although today I wouldn't care.  If we just figure the folks who would meet the criteria for a diagnosis, 2% of the population, that's 6 million people.  If we figure an average of 10 relationships per adult borderline, figuring 2 years per relationship, that's 60 million people.  There are about 15,000 members here who have posted 5 or more posts.  So that's 3/100 of 1 percent, or 0.03%, of folks who've potentially hooked up with a borderline have also found their way here, an extremely small number.  So chances are slim, very slim, but still, we wonder... .

Well, mine has about 5 relationships a year and has had at least 10 relationships in the past two years, and she's only 23, so I think my chances are slightly higher, . 

That being said, her one ex from this year knew her diagnosis and never bothered to research it at all, much less join a support forum.

[Michelle27]

I don't think I'm obsessed, but I do spend a fair amount of time here on these boards.  For me, it's about healing.  Understanding how not only his behavior created a toxic relationship, but how I actually made it worse with my own responses for awhile and how I got to the place of PTSD like symptoms because of what I went through.  I think it does help my healing but eventually I hope to need a lot less time than I need now.

[Moselle]

Hey Moselle-

Am I obsessed by this thing called BPD?

I'm not sure what you mean by obsessed.  For me learning about the disorder was a godsend, suddenly all of her behaviors made sense, not only that, plenty of other folks here were experiencing similar things with their partners, so the confusion and the feeling of being totally alone both vanished immediately.  That was good, because then I could start to deal with the abuse, the PTSD and the anger, and dig deeply into why I ended up where I did when I was a volunteer, could have left at any time.  That's been my obsession, digging into my stuff, stuff I was either denying or didn't know existed prior to borderline school, and that's the best kind of obsession.

So where is your obsession taking you?

From heal to heal. Thanks for your note!

This site has been a Godsend for educating me on so many things. About the disorder. About me. And the support is phenomenal!

This is more about me and my seemingly constant awareness of this cruel person. I feel like I'm becoming a bit bitter and vindictive towards her. I have the upper hand now and I have very little empathy or compassion for her. A little bit like her behaviour towards me.

I guess what I'm saying is If I play with her in the mud, I'm going to get dirty. The mud ends up on me too.

I'm struggling to separate her behaviour and mine, and I feel I'm losing me in this.

I felt last night like I was as behaving a bit like her. I read and ingest alot of stuff on BPD and I wonder if I'm  starting to take on some of the behaviours. I feel quite emotionally dysregulated on a few days. And I've def split her black. Am I taking on some of this stuff because I read about it so much. Am I mirroring her behaviours?

[enlighten me]

It sounds to me more like you aren't quite ready to let it go and have radical acceptance.

I was in a similar position myself. I was angry and bitter and it wasn't helped with having kids with my exs as there was always something they did that triggered me.

With understanding that BPD is a way they choose to live but how they survive has helped.

In the beginning black and white thinking and anger are a good thing to help us detach. After a while we need to get to a point of indifference about our exs. If we cant do that then we need to look at what it is that is holding us back. Why do we obsess? What about them has got us stuck? Normally its not about them though. Its more to do with the aspirations we had. The fact that they may have made out that they wanted what we did doesn't mean they did. Its more to do with mirroring and abandonment fears. Then we also have the dented ego to deal with. If it was all a lie and we were taken in then were we fools? No one likes to feel foolish.

[fromheeltoheal]

This is more about me and my seemingly constant awareness of this cruel person. I feel like I'm becoming a bit bitter and vindictive towards her. I have the upper hand now and I have very little empathy or compassion for her. A little bit like her behaviour towards me.

I guess what I'm saying is If I play with her in the mud, I'm going to get dirty. The mud ends up on me too.

I'm struggling to separate her behaviour and mine, and I feel I'm losing me in this.

I felt last night like I was as behaving a bit like her. I read and ingest alot of stuff on BPD and I wonder if I'm  starting to take on some of the behaviours. I feel quite emotionally dysregulated on a few days. And I've def split her black. Am I taking on some of this stuff because I read about it so much. Am I mirroring her behaviours?

Yeah, I know what you mean Moselle.  It became clear to me after not too long that my ex was always working angles, always an agenda, always a play, an attempted manipulation.  She acted that way because she didn't see another choice; she'd been left by a lot of men, considered people "ugly", and being open and honest just wasn't an option, too risky, too much pain, too much shame, too much time playing in the mud, she knew no other way.

Painful for me too, I saw the sweet girl in there, the one I wanted to be with, but always so far away, she just wouldn't come to me.  And there's a thing between 2 people called a relationship that takes on a life of its own, and I found myself going into the ugly with her too, playing the angles, workin' it, and it felt icky, number one, but also I felt way out of my league, she was much better at it than me, much, much more practice, and I felt myself becoming someone I didn't like and losing myself, as you mention.

The traits of the disorder are on a continuum, we all exhibit some of them some of the time, but the benefit of going down into the mud was it forced me to look at who I want to be, how I want to live, and that ain't it.  It's a cold, mean place, and sure, I had a lot of anger and grief after I left her, didn't really feel like her or BPD, it just sucked, but the thing with emotions is if we feel them all the way, process them, they pass.  We get to decide who we want to be after borderline school, and I opt for open and light, having been down into closed and dark, and that does give me compassion for her because I have a choice, she doesn't, or at least doesn't see one.

So I dunno, to me if we can see the difference in behavior between borderline mud and pure and clean we're not borderline, which is totally true for me, and I'd say you too, so then it becomes a choice, and learning about the disorder can just accentuate the difference instead of "getting some of it on us".  I haven't seen or spoken to my ex in years and don't plan to so it's a little academic for me now, and I realize your situation is different with kids, but when you're alone and still and get in touch with the real you, the pure you in that stillness, can you feel that light in you?  Bet you can, and then who you choose to show up as is your choice.

[Moselle]

It sounds to me more like you aren't quite ready to let it go and have radical acceptance.

I was in a similar position myself. I was angry and bitter and it wasn't helped with having kids with my exs as there was always something they did that triggered me.

With understanding that BPD is a way they choose to live but how they survive has helped.

In the beginning black and white thinking and anger are a good thing to help us detach. After a while we need to get to a point of indifference about our exs. If we cant do that then we need to look at what it is that is holding us back. Why do we obsess? What about them has got us stuck? Normally its not about them though. Its more to do with the aspirations we had. The fact that they may have made out that they wanted what we did doesn't mean they did. Its more to do with mirroring and abandonment fears. Then we also have the dented ego to deal with. If it was all a lie and we were taken in then were we fools? No one likes to feel foolish.

Thanks for the feedback. All of the above. I radically accepted that she was mentally ill (was a big one for me) but I have not radically accepted my life after the break up with effects on me and the children etc!

Dented ego for sure!

Indifference. What a world of bliss

[Moselle]

I found myself going into the ugly with her too, playing the angles, workin' it, and it felt icky, number one, but also I felt way out of my league, she was much better at it than me, much, much more practice, and I felt myself becoming someone I didn't like and losing myself, as you mention.

When you're alone and still and get in touch with the real you, the pure you in that stillness, can you feel that light in you?  Bet you can, and then who you choose to show up as is your choice.

Thanks for your note FHTH

Yes, she accused me of being a "master manipulator". I think thats the pot calling the kettle black.

The other real talent she has is "conflict".

Some honesty here. I don't really have still moments. I hope they come

[fromheeltoheal]

Some honesty here. I don't really have still moments. I hope they come

Still moments don't often come on their own, more effective to create them, and also part of taking our power back.  Some things that work include vigorous exercise followed by a hot shower or a sit in a hot tub, making sure we get enough calcium and magnesium which are calming minerals, meditation, spending time out in nature, planning periods of time into your schedule where you sit and do absolutely nothing, and just focusing on slowing down, like consciously focus on slowing your heart rate, breathing and mental activity down, surprisingly effective with a little practice.

Creating those moments is critical; if we don't take care of ourselves first, fill ourselves up, we have nothing to give.  Take care of you!

[hashtag_loyal]

Interesting topic. I, personally, am indifferent to my ex, but am very much still obsessed with learning about BPD.

[Moselle]

Interesting topic. I, personally, am indifferent to my ex, but am very much still obsessed with learning about BPD.

Hi Hashtag loyal. I am too   but I could think of far more useful things to spend my time learning about. Like wild animals, or painting, or trading on the stock market

[hashtag_loyal]

Hi Hashtag loyal. I am too   but I could think of far more useful things to spend my time learning about. Like wild animals, or painting, or trading on the stock market

Well, I live in a city, so I'm much more likely to be devoured by a pwBPD than a wild animal, but I see your point. 

[Moselle]

Still moments don't often come on their own, more effective to create them, and also part of taking our power back.  Some things that work include vigorous exercise followed by a hot shower or a sit in a hot tub, making sure we get enough calcium and magnesium which are calming minerals, meditation, spending time out in nature, planning periods of time into your schedule where you sit and do absolutely nothing, and just focusing on slowing down, like consciously focus on slowing your heart rate, breathing and mental activity down, surprisingly effective with a little practice.

Creating those moments is critical; if we don't take care of ourselves first, fill ourselves up, we have nothing to give.  Take care of you!

Thanks so much FHTH,  I love your suggestions. I realise that this is part of living healthily. It doesn't come naturally at all to me. I've been beavering away non stop for 20 years. One adventure after the other. My BPD wife and I have done amazing things, travelled the world, had 3 children. But I realise it was a treadmill... .hers... .and I was the hamster . Well now it's time for a pause and I'm going to try every one of your suggestions. Tonight I went to gym and had a hot sauna afterwards. Will get some Cal Mag tomorrow. I didn't know they are calming minerals. I used to practice calming my thoughts and got pretty good as a 20 year old. I had a team sports psychologist who trained us on the psychology of winning , and how to manage thoughts in constructive ways. Sit and do nothing will be a bit of a challenge. Normally have ants in my pants.  [/quote]

Well, I live in a city, so I'm much more likely to be devoured by a pwBPD than a wild animal, but I see your point. 

Lol. I'm battling to contain my humour here. I can get irreverent but it's not appropriate at this juncture. Will send in personal mail.

[fromheeltoheal]

Still moments don't often come on their own, more effective to create them, and also part of taking our power back.  Some things that work include vigorous exercise followed by a hot shower or a sit in a hot tub, making sure we get enough calcium and magnesium which are calming minerals, meditation, spending time out in nature, planning periods of time into your schedule where you sit and do absolutely nothing, and just focusing on slowing down, like consciously focus on slowing your heart rate, breathing and mental activity down, surprisingly effective with a little practice.

Creating those moments is critical; if we don't take care of ourselves first, fill ourselves up, we have nothing to give.  Take care of you!

Thanks so much FHTH,  I love your suggestions. I realise that this is part of living healthily. It doesn't come naturally at all to me. I've been beavering away non stop for 20 years. One adventure after the other. My BPD wife and I have done amazing things, travelled the world, had 3 children. But I realise it was a treadmill... .hers... .and I was the hamster . Well now it's time for a pause and I'm going to try every one of your suggestions. Tonight I went to gym and had a hot sauna afterwards. Will get some Cal Mag tomorrow. I didn't know they are calming minerals. I used to practice calming my thoughts and got pretty good as a 20 year old. I had a team sports psychologist who trained us on the psychology of winning , and how to manage thoughts in constructive ways. Sit and do nothing will be a bit of a challenge. Normally have ants in my pants. 

Yes, running fast can be a lifestyle, been there, done that, and it had the unexpected benefit of outrunning my emotions, if I ran fast enough.  Slowing down enough to let the emotions catch up, and really feel them, sucks at first, like a dam broke, but not a big deal after the initial shift.  And somehow life seems much richer at a slower pace.  Running is still cool, we can get a lot done and live a lot of life, but balance makes things deeper and slow and mellow is just as enjoyable.  Take care of you!