NC is still hard.

[Vatz]

I got a text from my PBPDEx this morning. On the call log, it showed she had tried to call me twice at 3AM.

She told me that she hopes things have gotten better on my end, that she owes me an apology. Also that in case perhaps I think otherwise, that she does value me as a person and a longtime friend.

I had just a few moments ago deleted the texts. For a moment, I was having all these thoughts run through my head. I had been thinking about her a whole lot lately, and mostly about where I went wrong. I'm no longer angry at her for her actions, and I've forgiven her for everything. I was angry then, but also depressed and in shock. It's hard to forgive myself because sometimes I wonder if we'd still been together and perhaps happier had I not let my resentment at the time to get the best of me. Now I'm alone and every day it seems like my options for a viable mate are shrinking. Doors closing. So it's not hard for my mind to go to dark places, and see her as some sort of reprieve.

But in truth, I'd find mostly frustration in being with her again with only brief periods of warmth and contentment. The only way our relationship could work is if I just let her go out and do whatever with whomever but just be the one person that provides a place to call home and loving arms. Unfortunately, that's not something I could be. There certainly are things I might overlook and have, but there's a limit and I don't see myself ever getting there. I think by biggest thing is "I don't want to be left out of the fun" when all is said and done. But somehow I always feared that if even this were something we would do, she'd only give me the most minimal attention and I'd be alone in longing again. Damn it. I know that this is my nightmare because I experienced something like this in a certain setting and found that this of all things was what stings the most. But I think that's normal, and my problem is that I know that I'm never really going to be the "main attraction" in that sort of situation. It's natural selection at play, that's life.

TLDR; I had been thinking about her a lot, and missing her. BPDex sent me a text this morning. She was sorry, and values me as a person and friend, and hopes things turned around for the better on my end. It was hard for a moment but I deleted them. I forgave her for everything, but can't seem to stop faulting myself for my own shortcomings. Today is probably going to be a difficult day for me. NC is super hard, even when you don't break it.

[cloudten]

UGH... .NC is so hard!  I never fail to think "why can't we just be friends?"  But we simply cannot. I cannot have a single thread attaching me to him. It breaks my heart. The whole thing breaks my heart. Why does this have to be so hard? Why couldn't it have been easy? Why couldn't I have been the one person he could be comfortable with? Why couldn't I have been that soft place to land at the end of a hard day... .and why couldn't he have been my soft place to land at the end of a hard day?

What are you doing to take care of yourself? Have you thought about blocking her?

[Vatz]

UGH... .NC is so hard!  I never fail to think "why can't we just be friends?"  But we simply cannot. I cannot have a single thread attaching me to him. It breaks my heart. The whole thing breaks my heart. Why does this have to be so hard? Why couldn't it have been easy? Why couldn't I have been the one person he could be comfortable with? Why couldn't I have been that soft place to land at the end of a hard day... .and why couldn't he have been my soft place to land at the end of a hard day?

What are you doing to take care of yourself? Have you thought about blocking her?

I actually hadn't. The only number I blocked was the one that I used to have. This is a new number. Come to think of it, looking at my call log, I now remember seeing it before. She has attempted to call me a few times throughout the months, I didn't answer because it said which state the number was and I could only guess it was her. That and I do not answer to any numbers outside my state's area code. So yeah, I'll be blocking this new number as well, but I don't think it blocks text messages or voicemail.

As for what I'm doing, I'm working out and working harder at it than I was before. I want to get out there and find someone new but I am in no shape to reliably attract what I'm looking for so it's going to be a grueling six months. Also, I'm thinking about finally just getting my personal trainers cert, I had wanted to get it AFTER reaching my weight goal but maybe thinking it's time to just go for it, look for work and keep on at it while on the job. Unfortunately this means getting a loan and there's nothing I loath more than owing anyone anything.

Started drawing again this weekend, and looking to improve on that skill because I now have something akin to motivation (I play tabletop as a hobby, and the characters I make I always want to draw because just visualizing isn't enough. I wanna see them "come to life".) I thought about going to therapy again but I think I've had all the therapy I needed. My life won't be any different just talking about my issues. I have goals, I'm just going to work towards them. This might sound morbid, but I have a feeling I'm not going to have one of those long-lived lives. I don't see myself making it past 50, so I just want to get some stuff done before then, have actual experiences, skills and things I put out into the world. This thought helps me move forward. Time's 'a tickin'.

RANT ASIDE I think perhaps the difference between you and I is that I do not want to be "just friends." I do not operate like that, and knowing that she wouldn't be interested in even FWB, (because spoiler alert, she probably wasn't physically all that thrilled about me from the start) then it's a pointless relationship to me. I don't waste time on relationships where desire for the nature thereof do not converge.

In any case, the feelings of "why couldn't we just... ." is such an easy place to go to but at the end of the day, I have to remind myself that I'm just bargaining and that objective reality is a thing and it doesn't match with the bargaining that I'm doing. It's fantasy, a daydream that can't be. Also a reality that is probably so much harsher than the thoughts we have in our head. Not sure if any of this helps you. I hope your feelings ease up over time and that you get to move on successfully. It's a tough craving to kick, I'm finding more as time goes on.

[cloudten]

I don't really want to be "just friends" either. For me, in all of my relationships, we are either in or out. I prefer to say... .we're "in" or you're "in the way".   I don't really do half-relationships.  But I just don't understand why it couldn't be easy. Relationships should have some semblance of ease. R/s with the BPDx was never easy... .not from the first second.

It sounds like you have some really great goals you want to accomplish! Bravo! (I say go for the personal trainer license- why not?)

As for the morbid part- why don't you see yourself making it past 50?

[Vatz]

As for the morbid part- why don't you see yourself making it past 50?

I am at higher risk for prostate cancer. Also my height (kinda short) makes me more likely to die of heart disease earlier on, and that's even when I drop the weight. I do suffer from depression from time to time so that ups the odds of suicide quite a bit. It's not that I'm for sure going to bite it at that age, but I'm definitely more likely to. It's sort of okay though as I've gradually started accepting that inevitability.

I totally agree with how difficult the BPD relationship was. So much frustration, anxiety, etc. I felt so tense most of the time and when we were together it rarely felt like it was "all good." That I could fully relax. The calm times were just the downtime between another crisis or breakdown. Some of which could have been avoided with proper care taking on my part, and I hate to admit it but I failed to do so more than I'd like. Not that it mattered in the end.

[Mutt]

Hi Vatz,

What made you think about going to therapy again? I check in with my therapist from time to time when I feel like I have the need to talk to him because things can feel overwhelming. I find that it helps.

I think by biggest thing is "I don't want to be left out of the fun" when all is said and done.

What do you mean here? Do you feel like everyone else in life is happy and living a good life and your missing out because you lost your significant other?

[cloudten]

Haha... .maybe "fear of missing out" fomo?  Trust me... .you aren't missing out on anything except lies, deception, and drama.

Embrace the peace. Protect your peace.

I understand your worry about prostate cancer... .my dad is currently going through his second fight with it. He had it removed and was good for 5 years. Then his PSA levels started creeping up (still far under what it should be for a "normal" man) but considering he doesn't have a prostate, his PSA levels should be nothing. So, he is currently undergoing daily radiation for 7 weeks, radiating the prostate bed (where it used to be). While none of it has been pleasant... .prostate cancer is VERY survivable. Even with his prostate out, my dad says he has had zero side effects.  I'm going to trust him on that.  And- it is SO easy to monitor with regular blood tests. The important thing is to get your blood tested yearly, and DON"T ignore it (like my dad did 10 years ago) if the PSA levels are getting high.

None of us are guaranteed tomorrow. None of us are guaranteed another breath. Death is always one breath away.

I encourage you to think positively. I encourage you to create the life you want to live... .and live it fully. Love yourself. Love people. And live every day like its your last... .without regrets. 

[Vatz]

@Mutt

Yes, basically that is sort of the thing that bothers me. Folks like to talk about how relationships aren't everything but they satisfy basic biological needs which while everyone else is having fun with. I aint. That and companionship, more and more I'm finding being alone is lonely. I don't really buy into the whole "all you need is you" stuff because humans are not wired to be loners and friends can only satisfy some needs, but its not really sufficient in order to be healthy and sane (over a long enough span of time. People who don't have a mate don't live as long, as some studies would point out.) So there's that.

Anyway, I just a few minutes ago I got up to check my phone, and saw that number again. She was calling. I forgot to block. But now I'm worried she's going to try harder to contact me. I really really want to avoid this. Not just the other reasons but it kind of dawned on me that I'd be embarrassed to speak to her, I'd feel like she would see that I'm no better than before she left me and I'm ashamed of this. I'm still the dumpy loser she decided to drop two years ago, and me being what I am still is only proof she was right to do so. I think this may be my primary drive to keep NC. I don't want to see how she had changed, how she had probably gotten better or made something of herself while I'm still me, a failure.

Really need to block that number now.

[Kelli Cornett]

@Mutt

Yes, basically that is sort of the thing that bothers me. Folks like to talk about how relationships aren't everything but they satisfy basic biological needs which while everyone else is having fun with. I aint. That and companionship, more and more I'm finding being alone is lonely. I don't really buy into the whole "all you need is you" stuff because humans are not wired to be loners and friends can only satisfy some needs, but its not really sufficient in order to be healthy and sane (over a long enough span of time. People who don't have a mate don't live as long, as some studies would point out.) So there's that.

I agree

[Joem678]

How long have you been in NC?

[troisette]

I feel empathy for you Vatz, I think your comment about us not being wired to be alone is valid.

How long have you been nc? I have found it does get easier with time, although I'm having a not-so-good day today, this is linked with the "festive" season? Could that be affecting you too?

Your self-descriptions are harsh, some say no one can beat us up better than ourselves. Self-perception can be way off kilter when we are feeling down.

Good thoughts to you. I hope you get the help and encouragement that will help you.

[Vatz]

How long have you been in NC?

This July that just passed marked 2 years.

I'm trying to move on, I don't know why I haven't put it all behind me by now.

[Joem678]

That's tough dude!  Two years in and still dealing with it.  The concern here is the time she reached out to you.  I have four kids with my pwBPD and it's sad because I know I have to cut all ties.  I am adapting to raising my kids on my own as if she didn't have them half the time.

[Vatz]

Woke up with a panic attack tonight. It started with memories of her and I guess some felt kinda vivid, then I realize she's gone and then come the panicked thoughts about being alone, and time running out. Not in my prime anymore and have no chance. I got nothing, and my life's a joke. Heart was racing.

I hate the thought of needing a therapist, because it all feels like none of it matters. I'm just circling the drain. I don't see any sort of hopeful future. Doesn't matter what I do now, it's too late. It feels like this every day. Tonight was different because I couldn't push the thoughts back far enough. Still feeling panicked. Hopefully will calm down in the morning. Don't know why I post this. Something to do, no one else to talk to about it.

Will probably regret saying anything, come morning.

[C.Stein]

Woke up with a panic attack tonight. It started with memories of her and I guess some felt kinda vivid, then I realize she's gone and then come the panicked thoughts about being alone, and time running out. Not in my prime anymore and have no chance. I got nothing, and my life's a joke. Heart was racing.

I hate the thought of needing a therapist, because it all feels like none of it matters. I'm just circling the drain. I don't see any sort of hopeful future. Doesn't matter what I do now, it's too late. It feels like this every day. Tonight was different because I couldn't push the thoughts back far enough. Still feeling panicked. Hopefully will calm down in the morning. Don't know why I post this. Something to do, no one else to talk to about it.

Will probably regret saying anything, come morning.

Hey man, you are not alone here.  I sometimes feel the same.  Feels like my ex was my last chance at building a truly intimate and close relationship.  Not getting any younger and yea ... .feel like I'm circling the drain.  Not feeling motivated to do anything at all except exist and seems I can barely do that.  I want to be more but I can't seem to find the desire or energy to do it.  This is not a good place to be.  I try to be optimistic though.  I may have lost the love of my life but I can still love myself again at some point ... .and by doing that be able to love someone else again. 

It gets a lot harder to deal with losses like this as you get older I think.  You invest more of yourself into the relationship and as a result you lose more when it implodes.  Seems when I was younger I was able to rebound much faster without letting the emotional turmoil impact the rest of my life or my optimism to much.  Wish I could say the same this time around.

Don't be too hard on yourself.  I know it is hard to feel hope after a loss like this when your on the other side of the hill but it's not over yet.   

[troisette]

Hi guys - I'm in my sixties, a classic boomer. I don't know how old you are but life isn't over until it's over.

I married the love of my life in my thirties. We were together for 25 years. Very difficult relationship, he was an abusive drinker and we both worked in the media with everything that goes with that. Not a good recipe for a happy marriage and it ended acrimoniously. After ten years of not speaking we are now good friends, with each others interests at heart. But then he wasn't BPD... .

I then married a narcissist and that was hell. But I got over it. It took a long time, but I did.

And then a BPD... .still dealing with that one by investigating why I am attracted/attract people who are not good for me. Despite my history, I have never experienced anything like as hellish as the break-up with the BPD... .

I see it as a learning process, hopefully never to get involved with such people again.

Please don't think that you'll never love again. One thing I learned, and it took me all of those years and the BPD, is to be very careful. Look, listen and feel before getting involved. Not to give my heart away, be watchful and self-protective. And to try to enjoy life within those parameters.

Breaking up with my exBPD laid me flat, I wasn't functioning for several months. Not functioning at all. I couldn't believe what I was going through, even at my age. And it's ongoing. What you are experiencing and feeling is normal. Please don't sacrifice hopes for a better future. 

[Joem678]

Thank you troisette,

I needed to hear that.

[Vatz]

Feeling a little better. Thanks for the encouragement.

The panic is over, and although generally the same feeling of hopelessness is still there (and it's more than just relationships, it's career, life path, etc.) For now it isn't causing panic.

My only way of doing things is focusing on the immediate, literally day by day. It's probably the only way I might eventually move on, get better, and make my life work. I don't have high hopes, and I don't really see a bright future. But I'm here, so all I can do is take it all one step at a time.

Thanks again to everyone who replied and weighed in. I hope you all find your own way as well.

[troisette]

Hi Vatz - Last night I  found a page on this site with a link to "The Mind Gym" - a site offering free CBT on line. You might want to find it and check it out. I joined and intend to carry on. Sorry, but I can't find the page, it's somewhere in the section on detaching, a sub section. Perhaps one of the moderators could post a link?

Best wishes to you.