The implication of using the word "replacement"

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

A couple of nights ago I was talking to a good friend whom I haven't spoken with properly in a year. (My relationship with my BPD ex isolated me from people - he didn't like most of my friends and would get angry if he knew I was in touch with them, and coping with his demands was so exhausting that I didn't have much time for a social life.) I told her what had happened. She's the first person who knows my ex that I've told. I explained to her how I have been feeling like a broken toy that got thrown out and replaced when it wasn't wanted any more. She said something that really hit me hard.

"But you weren't replaced. Saying that makes it sound as though it's possible to replace you. It isn't. There's only one of you."

That was like an epiphany. I hadn't realised it, but I have been contributing to my own pain by thinking of my ex's current girlfriend as 'my replacement'. She is her own self and I am my own self. So I am not going to use that word any more, and I'm sharing my friend's words here, as her insight made me feel so much better and maybe it would help others too.

[balletomane]

A couple of nights ago I was talking to a good friend whom I haven't spoken with properly in a year. (My relationship with my BPD ex isolated me from people - he didn't like most of my friends and would get angry if he knew I was in touch with them, and coping with his demands was so exhausting that I didn't have much time for a social life.) I told her what had happened. She's the first person who knows my ex that I've told. I explained to her how I have been feeling like a broken toy that got thrown out and replaced when it wasn't wanted any more. She said something that really hit me hard.

"But you weren't replaced. Saying that makes it sound as though it's possible to replace you. It isn't. There's only one of you."

That was like an epiphany. I hadn't realised it, but I have been contributing to my own pain by thinking of my ex's current girlfriend as 'my replacement'. She is her own self and I am my own self. So I am not going to use that word any more, and I'm sharing my friend's words here, as her insight made me feel so much better and maybe it would help others too.

[burritoman]

Very insightful indeed. Also remember that the time you shared with this person is unique. A new person can't replace those memories of you.

[Mr Hollande]

While we spend much time getting to grips with how the words during idealisation were false and that we weren't that special we can forget that in the reality away from BPD madness we are individuals with unique traits and abilities. While someone else becomes a feeder for their needs no one actually replaces us as the individuals we are.

Good work, balletomane!

[hergestridge]

The problematic aspect is when you view yourself as someone who has been replaced, because that is not true. On the other hand, borderline love (and that hate for that matter) is not personal. The "non" is not being seen by the BPD person for who he/she is. We were idealized then devalued and neither view reflects who we are. The pwBPD simply projects various aspects of his/her own feelings on someone. And that projection surface can be easily replaced (which is what often happens). A pwBPD doesn't get to know people. The idea of being replaced is based on the assumption that there is a relationship. A BPD relationship is a pseudo-relationship because BPD people are pseudo-there with their vague and fleetings selves.

A pwBPD lives in a world with his/her own feellings. They were not there with you. You can walk away and not be missed because the pwBPD is trapped in a cage of his/her own feelings. You were alone all the time when we thought we had a connection.

[butterfly15]

The problematic aspect is when you view yourself as someone who has been replaced, because that is not true. On the other hand, borderline love (and that hate for that matter) is not personal. The "non" is not being seen by the BPD person for who he/she is. We were idealized then devalued and neither view reflects who we are. The pwBPD simply projects various aspects of his/her own feelings on someone. And that projection surface can be easily replaced (which is what often happens). A pwBPD doesn't get to know people. The idea of being replaced is based on the assumption that there is a relationship. A BPD relationship is a pseudo-relationship because BPD people are pseudo-there with their vague and fleetings selves.

A pwBPD lives in a world with his/her own feellings. They were not there with you. You can walk away and not be missed because the pwBPD is trapped in a cage of his/her own feelings. You were alone all the time when we thought we had a connection.

This makes complete sense to me. Thank you for this!

[hergestridge]

The problematic aspect is when you view yourself as someone who has been replaced, because that is not true. On the other hand, borderline love (and that hate for that matter) is not personal. The "non" is not being seen by the BPD person for who he/she is. We were idealized then devalued and neither view reflects who we are. The pwBPD simply projects various aspects of his/her own feelings on someone. And that projection surface can be easily replaced (which is what often happens). A pwBPD doesn't get to know people. The idea of being replaced is based on the assumption that there is a relationship. A BPD relationship is a pseudo-relationship because BPD people are pseudo-there with their vague and fleetings selves.

A pwBPD lives in a world with his/her own feellings. They were not there with you. You can walk away and not be missed because the pwBPD is trapped in a cage of his/her own feelings. You were alone all the time when we thought we had a connection.

Sorry for quoting myself here, but I just had to add this:

One major reason why we don't see that they don't really know us is that they have separation anxiety. This makes us think they know us. But they are just afraid of the separation in itself.

They say "please don't leave" me because they don't like people leaving. It's not because they specifically wants *me* to stay. This confused me and had me tricked for years and years. I felt flattered and comforted when my exwife said "please don't leave me", and I had no reason to be that.

[Mutt]

A pwBPD lives in a world with his/her own feellings. They were not there with you. You can walk away and not be missed because the pwBPD is trapped in a cage of his/her own feelings. You were alone all the time when we thought we had a connection.

hergestridge,

You're correct that a pwBPD will project negative aspects of themselves because they can't bear anything bad about themselves. Projection is a trait, splitting another trait, I was split black for three years. A way we can view it, a pwBPD split someone that they care about most.

balletomane,

Wise words from your friend.

[apollotech]

hergestridge:

Sorry for quoting myself here, but I just had to add this:

One major reason why we don't see that they don't really know us is that they have separation anxiety. This makes us think they know us. But they are just afraid of the separation in itself.

They say "please don't leave" me because they don't like people leaving. It's not because they specifically wants *me* to stay. This confused me and had me tricked for years and years. I felt flattered and comforted when my exwife said "please don't leave me", and I had no reason to be that.

Yep, for a pwBPD the relationship/attachment itself is of primary importance, not the attached individual. I agree, for someone without a PD, we are fooled into thinking that we're special, because that's the way we'd think of someone, not the relationship. Take care of your partner and the relationship will follow suit. A pwBPD skews that process.

[LostGhost]

This thread brought me up and down in a span of one minute 

I first thought, I AM unique, our relationship WAS unique, therefore she's certain to have feelings surrounding these memories one day, which means I shall be missed.

But then reading further and understanding they don't miss you or the relationship, just the attachment, reminds me I was in fact "replaced". Like a hypothermic person being offered new clothing to replace their wet clothing that is no longer useful and in fact exacerbating their circumstances. Do they care if the new clothes are red or blue? Do they care if one was made in China or one was made in France? Do they care if one came from Walmart and the other Armani? The details cease to concern them when the clothing is a survival need and not a want. Is that a pwBPD?

Are we saying here that we ARE unique, just not to our expwBPD?

I still cling to a glimmer of hope that she's going to wake in the middle of the night one day and actually miss me - my touch, my smell, my laugh, my voice. That she's going to email me and tell me all about the pain of my absence. That's not going to happen is it?

[blackbirdsong]

This thread brought me up and down in a span of one minute 

I first thought, I AM unique, our relationship WAS unique, therefore she's certain to have feelings surrounding these memories one day, which means I shall be missed.

But then reading further and understanding they don't miss you or the relationship, just the attachment, reminds me I was in fact "replaced". Like a hypothermic person being offered new clothing to replace their wet clothing that is no longer useful and in fact exacerbating their circumstances. Do they care if the new clothes are red or blue? Do they care if one was made in China or one was made in France? Do they care if one came from Walmart and the other Armani? The details cease to concern them when the clothing is a survival need and not a want. Is that a pwBPD?

Are we saying here that we ARE unique, just not to our expwBPD?

I still cling to a glimmer of hope that she's going to wake in the middle of the night one day and actually miss me - my touch, my smell, my laugh, my voice. That she's going to email me and tell me all about the pain of my absence. That's not going to happen is it?

These are very good questions. I made me thinking... .

[Mr Hollande]

I still cling to a glimmer of hope that she's going to wake in the middle of the night one day and actually miss me - my touch, my smell, my laugh, my voice. That she's going to email me and tell me all about the pain of my absence. That's not going to happen is it?

I'd say it's not an unlikely scenario at all. It's happened a few times with mine. The question is what it actually means to her. As the saying here goes, not the same as it means to us.

[butterfly15]

I still cling to a glimmer of hope that she's going to wake in the middle of the night one day and actually miss me - my touch, my smell, my laugh, my voice. That she's going to email me and tell me all about the pain of my absence. That's not going to happen is it?

I'd say it's not an unlikely scenario at all. It's happened a few times with mine. The question is what it actually means to her. As the saying here goes, not the same as it means to us.

mine just told me yesterday that misses me and loves me very much. I didn't respond. It hurts just the same for me not to respond. I want to believe him. I know I am unable. I am just an attachment.

[LostGhost]

I still cling to a glimmer of hope that she's going to wake in the middle of the night one day and actually miss me - my touch, my smell, my laugh, my voice. That she's going to email me and tell me all about the pain of my absence. That's not going to happen is it?

I'd say it's not an unlikely scenario at all. It's happened a few times with mine. The question is what it actually means to her. As the saying here goes, not the same as it means to us.

Correct... .and I think if it did somehow occur, unfortunately it wouldn't have the same impact to me as it would coming from someone who doesn't have BPD. The words will sound wonderful, like a beautiful symphony to my ears, but my logical and rational mind will also remind me of BPD and the many hidden facets going on behind the scenes. I would know if she was saying those words, she would be saying them from a place of "need" - not want, not love, not desire - survival.

I don't think it's attractive for someone to "need" me, it's not sexy, it doesn't feel good. It would make me feel like a piece of food or clothing, an item to be used and once that need is filled, the item (me) is no longer useful. To be wanted is another spectrum entirely. To be wanted suggests it is not necessary for you to occupy space, time and energy in their lives, they simply WANT you there. That, my friends, is what I seek.

I fear that seeking that with any pwBPD is akin to chasing after a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. The rainbow exists and lures you in with its brightly shining colors and alluring nature - but there is no redemption for all of your efforts to climb over hills and through forests to find the pot of gold. All you will find is the rainbow that soon disappears from your sight, leaving you with only a memory of its fleeting beauty and the promises you thought it offered.

[JohnLove]

I fear that seeking that with any pwBPD is akin to chasing after a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. The rainbow exists and lures you in with its brightly shining colors and alluring nature - but there is no redemption for all of your efforts to climb over hills and through forests to find the pot of gold. All you will find is the rainbow that soon disappears from your sight, leaving you with only a memory of its fleeting beauty and the promises you thought it offered.

An interesting but worrisome analogy... .

[BorisAcusio]

One major reason why we don't see that they don't really know us is that they have separation anxiety. This makes us think they know us. But they are just afraid of the separation in itself.

They say "please don't leave" me because they don't like people leaving. It's not because they specifically wants *me* to stay. This confused me and had me tricked for years and years. I felt flattered and comforted when my exwife said "please don't leave me", and I had no reason to be that.

Excellent point, also in many cases, it's also true vice versa. Personally, I was drawn to her like bugs are attracted to light, but without really conciously recognizing her unique qualities, using each other to fill fundamental deficiencies in our own sense of self.

[GreenEyedMonster]

A pwBPD basically can't handle reality.  They can't handle the reality of who they are, and they can't handle the reality of who you are.  They want badly to be perfect people.  Not just good people.  Perfect people.  And if they aren't, they have to erase or block out all evidence that they aren't.

You are basically a mirror.  As long as they like the reflection they see, they keep you around.  But if you begin to reflect any traits that they don't like in themselves, they will shatter you and move on.  It is like the idea that they aren't perfect is a big secret that they must keep, and once you find out, they have to kill you.

My pwBPD didn't think of it as "replacing" anyone, but he seems to be on a lifelong quest to find the girl he calls The One.  Every girl who falls in love with him is, at first, The One, because no one criticizes someone else at the start of a relationship.  It's when the work portion of the program starts that criticism happens.  That's why his relationships last 4-6 months, if that.  Suddenly the girl is no longer The One, and he waits for the next The One to show up.  I wonder how many there will be.

While I'd hesitate to say that I was *just* an attachment, I think that he projected on to me all the traits he wanted me to have, because that's what he needed.  He will do the same with the next girl he calls The One until she shatters the illusion.

[troisette]

Thank you balletomane. That's perceptive; we can't  be replaced because we are unique. This helps me with self-validation.

[Indiegrl]

LostGhost,

This is poetry...

I fear that seeking that with any pwBPD is akin to chasing after a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. The rainbow exists and lures you in with its brightly shining colors and alluring nature - but there is no redemption for all of your efforts to climb over hills and through forests to find the pot of gold. All you will find is the rainbow that soon disappears from your sight, leaving you with only a memory of its fleeting beauty and the promises you thought it offered

... .which makes the lights go on!

Thanks!

[Indiegrl]

A pwBPD basically can't handle reality.  They can't handle the reality of who they are, and they can't handle the reality of who you are.  They want badly to be perfect people.  Not just good people.  Perfect people.  And if they aren't, they have to erase or block out all evidence that they aren't.

You are basically a mirror.  As long as they like the reflection they see, they keep you around.  But if you begin to reflect any traits that they don't like in themselves, they will shatter you and move on.  It is like the idea that they aren't perfect is a big secret that they must keep, and once you find out, they have to kill you...

Very insightful too. A good way of describing what really happened.

[hope2727]

A pwBPD basically can't handle reality.  They can't handle the reality of who they are, and they can't handle the reality of who you are.  They want badly to be perfect people.  Not just good people.  Perfect people.  And if they aren't, they have to erase or block out all evidence that they aren't.

You are basically a mirror.  As long as they like the reflection they see, they keep you around.  But if you begin to reflect any traits that they don't like in themselves, they will shatter you and move on.  It is like the idea that they aren't perfect is a big secret that they must keep, and once you find out, they have to kill you.



My pwBPD didn't think of it as "replacing" anyone, but he seems to be on a lifelong quest to find the girl he calls The One.  Every girl who falls in love with him is, at first, The One, because no one criticizes someone else at the start of a relationship.  It's when the work portion of the program starts that criticism happens.  That's why his relationships last 4-6 months, if that.  Suddenly the girl is no longer The One, and he waits for the next The One to show up.  I wonder how many there will be.

While I'd hesitate to say that I was *just* an attachment, I think that he projected on to me all the traits he wanted me to have, because that's what he needed.  He will do the same with the next girl he calls The One until she shatters the illusion.

Wow. Just wow. The bolded part particularly. My expwBPD used to tell me I was a mirror and it hurt him to see his flaws. Creepy. What you wrote really resonated with me. Thank you.

[hergestridge]

A pwBPD basically can't handle reality.  They can't handle the reality of who they are, and they can't handle the reality of who you are.  They want badly to be perfect people.  Not just good people.  Perfect people.  And if they aren't, they have to erase or block out all evidence that they aren't.

You are basically a mirror.  As long as they like the reflection they see, they keep you around.  But if you begin to reflect any traits that they don't like in themselves, they will shatter you and move on.  It is like the idea that they aren't perfect is a big secret that they must keep, and once you find out, they have to kill you.



My pwBPD didn't think of it as "replacing" anyone, but he seems to be on a lifelong quest to find the girl he calls The One.  Every girl who falls in love with him is, at first, The One, because no one criticizes someone else at the start of a relationship.  It's when the work portion of the program starts that criticism happens.  That's why his relationships last 4-6 months, if that.  Suddenly the girl is no longer The One, and he waits for the next The One to show up.  I wonder how many there will be.

While I'd hesitate to say that I was *just* an attachment, I think that he projected on to me all the traits he wanted me to have, because that's what he needed.  He will do the same with the next girl he calls The One until she shatters the illusion.

Wow. Just wow. The bolded part particularly. My expwBPD used to tell me I was a mirror and it hurt him to see his flaws. Creepy. What you wrote really resonated with me. Thank you.

I can almost remember the day my wife started acting as if she had been "found out". She showed a whole new side of herself. It was like a huge personality shift and she approached me like I was a stranger although we had been together for 10 years.

I thought she had run into some kind of psychological problem, but now I realize it was a phase of our relationship. It didn't matter what I did to please her or understand her - she started acting as if I was the problem and that left me hurt and confused.

I had critized her for one thing (she almost lost her job because of her attitude toward co-workers) because I was worried that we wouldn't be able to pay our rent. This was followed by a series of panic attacks and then she started acting weird when she was around me.

I had failed her by critizing her, and she had a "breakdown" and I suppose in her world I had "found her out". She used to be fun to be around, joking and talking about this and that. That stopped there and then. For the next ten years she was cold and distant, mostly approaching me for occasional sex or to critizise me.

It's frightening to understand that this was her "true self". Normally a relationships evolves or deepens with a minor crisis, but for us it didn't work like that.¨

I became a living reminder of her own imperfection.

[C.Stein]

I think I was also a mirror of my ex.  The more damage she did to me the more she didn't like what she saw.  I was living proof of the damage that she can inflict on people.  I think what shattered the mirror was when I said she was a pathological liar during our last fight.  She never let that go.  On several occasions following that day, including the day we said goodbye for good, she said ... . you think I'm a PL or You will never trust me again.  The mirror was now reflecting the parts within her that she wants to hide from.  Even though I apologized and told her we could rebuild the trust it didn't seem to matter.

Now to the replacement things.  I do agree we are all unique individuals with our own qualities and character.  That cannot be replaced.  How I look at it with my ex is this. 

I was a food vending machine.  In the beginning I was fully stocked with delicious food.  She would take some food but she would also stock the machine on occasion. 

As time went on she took more food than she replaced.  As the vending machine (me) started to run out of food she started taking food from another fully stocked vending machine.  Once my vending machine ran out of food she started taking food from the new vending machine full time.  She replaced the old empty vending machine with the new one by abandoning the one that was empty.

The old vending machine is still there and can still be stocked full of food again, but in her mind it had become useless to her because it no longer provided her with the food she needed.   Now that she is gone the old vending machine is slowly filling up with food and eventually will be full of delicious food again. 

For some people the ex will see the old vending machine has some new food so they will come back.  Some will just keep moving on to new vending machines as soon as the old one is empty.

So in essence you were not replaced, only the food you provided them was.

[ScotisGone74]

My take on the whole thing is I view BPD s as something like a slimier version of Don King,In the beginning I was a top level fighter that was believing in all the fantasy of big money and limelight and I was willing to take on any fight Don gave me, despite how little it paid.    In the end I was a beaten up ol has been that had grown weary of Don s big promises, talks of a big payday, disappearing acts, and setups.   

Yeah Don may have a new fighter right Now, but at one time I was his top prize.   And I

believe it chafes him a little he cant get me back.

[Schermarhorn]

My ex's current BF appears to be someone with a lot of social issues.

I hate to talk about him this way, because I don't know him and he has done nothing to me. The few times I have walked past him he seemed to jerk in a weird way, and in general something just doesnt seem right about him.

It puzzled me on how she has stayed with him for so long (in comparision to previous relationships), but it is clear now. I imagine it is very easy for her to control him, so everything will go great until her engulfment fears kick in.

My "replacement" dumped her a month in. So she went with someone safe.

I feel empathy for him. She dealt very low blows to me about a few things I was self conscious about. I'm afraid she will tear him apart.