I am afraid of her

[blackbirdsong]

Ok, I admit - I am afraid of my ex GF.

I started my healing phase, 1 month NC since breakup. Talked to the psychologist. Will continue to do that.

I read a lot of topics here. Many of them help my to move on with good advice and great guidelines. But I also read a lot horror stories about revengeful BPDs, smear campaigns, problematic situations after the breakup.

And I am really worried about that.

My ex GF is diagnosed BPD, she is in therapy.

After the breakup we didn't communicate, I only received 1 fake profile FB request (1 mutual friend, a friend I mentioned her a lot, the person liked some pages that pointed to my ex)

Also, I remember once she told me that she went with her friend to stalk that friend's ex gf. She also mentioned that her friend did some damage to the ex's property. She told that was totally crazy. I confirmed that and we didn't mentioned this after that.   

I know that this is unhealthy to my recovery process, but I now have a constant feeling that "she is somewhere out there" creating some master plan to do some mess in my life. 

Did you have similar feelings during your recovery process?

[thisworld]

Sure thing! (I never ever thought I was going to say "sure thing" to something like this, but there it is) This is what I'm going though as well as some other people here at the moment. I think there are three reasons for it. Reason one, yes, some BPDs are capable of stuff like this. Luckily, there are ways to contain the damage to a degree and not all of them involve legal or super serious stuff etc.

Reason two, we have been with a controllers who pulled the rug from under our feet so many times that our rational framework and trust have been badly shaken. Our sense of reality is foggy, some of us don't know what is what anymore (This is another reason why NC is so good, we get our "reality" back). With healthy people, there is a silent and sometimes spoken social contract as to what may be and may not be done to an ex after break-up. Basically, we have an idea about what may come to us from this other person. Like we know that they will never show up at our door and scream at midnight. With Cluster B though -BPD, Narcissistic, co-morbid, psychopath etc- this framework is violated so many times even during a relationship. Still, when they are with us, we have a vague idea about what may happen to us nevertheless and there is a hidden sense of security in this. (That's why a lot of women are scared to leave their abusers actually. It feels easier to tolerate the known and experienced abuse than to live with the anticipation of what may come from the abuser once we are not theirs and they are not ours.) They are our controllers but when we are together with them, we feel that we still have some control over our controller. This is a crumble of safety, usually a fatal illusion but it is something to hold on to nevertheless. And now, we have lost that control and that's scary to us. Will the abuser, controller roam freely? What will they do to me with this new freedom? Because we experienced them as individuals who knew no boundaries, we now start imagining without any boundaries.     

Reason three, very similar to the second. Trauma increases anxiety, anxiety needs something to attach itself to. With these exes, there is ample material.

These feelings shall pass, you may need to take some actions and work on acceptance on some others, but in the end of the day, there are also agreed ways about how to handle controllers and remain outside their control.

[LArve]

I have similar fears... .

Before my year long relationship I was good friends with my BPD-ex-gf for 4 years and saw her go through a few troubled relationships.

At the end of a couple of the relationships she created secret facebook groups containing trusted friends and they (led by her) hatched pretty devious plots to destroy the ex-bf. It is quite horrific. Although we read peoples fears and theories of what might happen. I hate to say I saw it with my own eyes.

Sorry that this doesn't do anything to allay your fears but i thought a honest and factual response could help you prepare for what MIGHT happen.

There is great advice in the 'leaving a relationship' reading section on how you can minimize the chance of this happening. 

[LArve]

btw i salute you  

and p.s dont be scared but be prepared and vigilant!

[Sword]

I'm scared simply because of the manipulation... .I am so addicted to her I can't pull out, and its 'well you COULD leave me if you want to hurt me super bad honey'

[Michelle27]

I am afraid of mine too.  The sense of relief when he moved out of town months after we separated was palpable.  He was stalking and other behaviors that scared me.  The very day he moved out of our home, I changed the locks.  It's not because he made any specific threats, but his behaviors were so odd that I have no idea what to expect.  And I'm definitely being vigilant and careful.

[SummerStorm]

I'm a bit lucky, in the sense that mine is so afraid of engulfment that she typically runs before anything gets too bad.  She physically abused her ex and stole from him, but since he called the cops on her, she's left him alone. 

Mine doesn't publicly smear anyone.  I think it's because she basically has no one and can't afford to smear the few people she does have.  And when she talks badly about someone, she never uses the person's name.  I've been able to connect the dots with a few, simply because I'm observant (she completely badmouthed a "good" friend's baby, calling her "ugly," and I figured out who the friend was because most of her friends aren't married/don't have kids and because the baby is kind of awkward looking, ).  She was a bridesmaid in that friend's wedding and refers to her as one of her oldest and dearest friends, but to the best of my knowledge, it's been over a year since she's even seen her.  And I've been able to figure out who most of her exes are (the theatre major, the guy who supposedly smashed her head through a wall, the guy who supposedly packed his bags one morning and left her, etc.) because she's still friends with most of them on Facebook. 

Mine does do social media stalking, but in 2015, a lot of Nons do that, too.  It definitely is very creepy how she would rather just read my Facebook posts than actually ask me about my life.  When she reconnected with me two weeks ago, in the middle of texting me, she was scrolling through my timeline, saying things like, "Oh, I see you adopted two cats."  Apparently, the question, "So, what have you been up to since we last spoke?" doesn't exist in her world. 

Generally speaking, past behavior is a good indicator of present and future behavior.  Mine has never publicly smeared anyone, so I can't see her doing it anytime soon.  Her recent history of stealing does worry me (I just bought a new house, and she also knows how much money I make), but she lives almost an hour away, and I live in a very close-knit neighborhood where everyone keeps an eye out for suspicious activity, so I don't think I have to worry that much.   And from what I gathered, she still had access to her ex's house when she stole from him, so I do place a lot of the blame on him, for keeping hundreds of dollars in an easily accessible place and for not changing his locks after she moved out.  It doesn't excuse her behavior, but poor boundaries are like gold to a pwBPD. 

[cloudten]

After our first major breakup- I was in your shoes 100%. I had panic attacks. I wouldn't even park in my parking spot at my place. I would park a block away and walk home. There were other breakups where he tried the keys in the lock. He told me he would stalk me.  He completely smeared me to all of his friends and family.

This time around, I got a restraining order. I no longer fear all of that- the ball is in my court. The police and court have my back.

I think the reality was that he had another girlfriend. He may have stalked me electronically... .but I think he was too busy to actually stalk me in person.

However... .your girl sounds crazy enough she might actually do it in person.

What are you doing to protect yourself now?

[blackbirdsong]

However... .your girl sounds crazy enough she might actually do it in person.

What are you doing to protect yourself now?

My girlfriend? Thanks for these comforting words :D

Actually, nothing - I cannot control her and her actions. :/

[Mutt]

However... .your girl sounds crazy enough she might actually do it in person.

What are you doing to protect yourself now?

My girlfriend? Thanks for these comforting words :D

Actually, nothing - I cannot control her and her actions. :/

You are right. We can't control the actions of others but we can control our actions when someone directs negative behavior our way  

I started my healing phase, 1 month NC since breakup. Talked to the psychologist. Will continue to do that.

Did you talk to your psychologist about your concerns with her smear campaign?