Untold story.. 11 years of friends/lovers/haters... I can't go on anymore

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi,

I am quite new to this site, however, not so new to exploring BPD. I became "best friends" with a girl when I was a mere freshman in high school. I was quite religious then so I was hell bent on saving every one. She and I immediately hit it off from the start, side by side, best friends to take on the world. She got a boyfriend and as the story goes, she was a mom at 16. During this time I was doing all that I could to save her from the throws of a typical BPD life and it would be another 10 years before I even heard the word BPD. She already started doing the push/pull. She loved me one day and hated me the next. Even going so far as to blame me for her pregnancy because I "talked her in to" dating this boy (despite me heavily discouraging her having sex with him). Anyway, she has the baby, needs a friend who doesn't party and is more stable, so she comes back to me. Being the codependent that I was I took her back. For the next four years it was constant going back and forth. I essentially raised her daughter while trying to save my exBPD from herself and her TERRIBLE life choices. She slept around, went out with very questionable men, neglected her daughter whenever something more desirable came around, and treated me quite terribly. I end up becoming very attached to the little girl. My exBPD cannot go without a boyfriend, she has learned from her mother that the void of a life without a man is something she can't take. Or maybe is was the BPD the entire time... either source fits. She finds "Prince Charming", I don't approve of him, takes the child from me, gets married, and doesn't speak or see for me 2 1/2 years. Talk about agony and pain.

I missed the baby every minute of the day. Every second of my life I thought about "my little baby", if she was happy, what her favorite color was, if she even remembered me and all of the above. She was taken from me at the age of 3 1/2. I hardly had time to miss the BPD because I was tormented by the absence of a child that I love as my own. Eventually, I asked her to coffee to catch up, but I had deeper plans. I really just wanted to spend time with the baby, make sure she was safe, give her some love, and make sure she wasn't growing up in the type of environment that I grew up in. My exBPD ends up confessing that she missed me the entire time and apparently begged her husband to let her see me. The husband did not like me because at the time, I saw him as the predator and she as the victim. He was a typical psychopath. He put his hands on her, was very impulsive, they both had affairs that lasted briefly, and he didn't know what putting bread on the table meant. She comes to me crying and broken from this man. I, of course, rescue her. I jumped up to save the baby's life and her life. I let them move in with me, took care of the both of them, and did all I could to help her.

She was distraught, suicidal, depressed, all while smoking weed and taking adderall daily. Somehow, in the midst of all this crap, she and I ended up making out one blacked out night. I woke up and was filled with guilt and shame as I was already struggling in my relationship with Christianity. For some reason, I guess through years worth of friendship with her, me nurturing her, spending every minute worried about what terrible thing she would do next and picking her up off the floor, it went from being best friends to lovers within in month. At first, I could not handle it. It made me sick, but I kept doing it. I had this absolute need to please her. I had to give her all she wanted. Little by little... .I gave her all of me. Once she realized I was in love, it all went downhill. She was talking to her ex-husband behind my back, telling me she wanted to go back to him, and saying she would have never even left him if it hadn't been for me making her. She tells me she doesn't want to hook up anymore. I am heart broken as she was also my first love and intimate partner. She then only hooks up with me whenever she wants to. Whenever she was in the mood, she would do it, other than that, I got a "this is wrong. it isn't right. what about the baby? two girls shouldn't be together." The entire time she was living with me, I was taking her on trip after trip, buying her surprise and present after present, calming whatever storm she conjured up, and trying to love her to the best of my ability. I am no saint, but believe me when I tell you that I tried. I planned and paid for a trip to see her favorite musician several states away so that she could bond with her sister and my sister. Together we went to California, Chicago, Florida, Texas, and finally her dream land... New York. I surprised her with a riddle to the present and a plane ticket as her Christmas present. I cannot tell you all that I gave to her.

Once she didn't want me like that anymore and only wanted to be friends, I even tried to go have sex with a man to salvage our friendship. I literally felt like I was going insane. She then starts a relationship with a guy who she had never met before. He is without a doubt desperate and needy. He cannot go without being by her side, constantly whining to her. He was castrated by a controlling mother and is a very weak guy. But she tells me she didn't want a relationship with anyone; she was just talking to him to kill time. I couldn't say anything, we were supposed to only be friends now. I didn't want her to take the child and I didn't want her to leave so I tried my hardest to hide my feelings. It came to a point where I felt I was going insane. I had a panic attacks. My heart was broken. I was living and sleeping with someone who wanted to go back to only cuddling and nothing more. When we fought it was like speaking to someone who experienced our memories TOTALLY different than what I had thought or what had occurred. She told me she never wanted it to go as far as it did. However, she would swoop me into our closet to kiss her and tell me how much she missed me while I was at work. Wake me up for sex. Tell me she needs me and wants me... .All of this is kept a secret from the child and everyone else in our lives. No one knew the relationship had escalated. At the very end of us living together... I couldn't take it. She was spending the night with this guy. Bringing the child over there and lying about it. I still let her stay because of the child. However, once I found nd out she put the child on the floor while she slept in the bed with her new boyfriend, I packed her stuff up and kicked her out. She had been "trying to save our friendship" by telling me that she didn't want to give up on us, buying me a valentine's day present from the child, and numerous other things. I just couldn't go back to friends, I was already in love.

After I packed her things up, she didn't leave right away. We existed in the home some nights like nothing was wrong. It wasn't until a few weeks later she finally left. However, we still had the New York tickets. Not ready to let her go, I decide to take one last trip with her for old times sake. I thought I was strong enough to handle it. We ended up hooking up several times. She ignored her boyfriend and told me how she wanted to break up with him. She again wanted to work on us, but gave no clarification as to in what manner. After our trip, they are broken up, she is back staying the night with me. At this point, I had discovered she was had BPD, I had codependency, and I was seeing a counselor for almost 3 months. I asked her to go to counseling and she said she would but never did. I was trying to work on myself so I would purposely tell her no to things and exercise boundaries until eventually from NO WHERE... She gets back with the guy she had just broken up with, we will call him S. She was caretaking for his mother while his mom went through a divorce and got back with him. Despite how stupid this sounds, I never saw it coming. However, she ignored me for three weeks, until I went to her work and she admitted they were together and she in fact liked him. I can't remember exactly everything that was said, but she essentially told me that she loved me and I was the only family she had and I was the one person all these years she never lost, but this was it. I told her we could be together. She replied with "But what about the child?" I told her it didn't matter. Parents who are the opposite sex mess up raising children and just cause we were the same sex, it didn't matter. We could do it. She thought for a second and said no. I left crying and broken. Since then I learned that the first time around that she dated S, she had gotten pregnant while living with me, aborted his baby, called him stupid and immature. She told her other closest friend, who happens to be my sister, that she couldn't stand him. I was confused how she could go from being annoyed by him and aborting his baby to getting back together with him. I picked up what pieces I had and tried to carry on.

It has been 6 months. Wow. I can't even believe how long they have been together. She has moved in with him, he bought her a dog, and they are strutting about like they are the happiest in the world. She lets me see the child every two weeks or so. But these last few months have been filled with she and I fighting or me getting upset by whatever new thing her daughter cries to me about. She still cleans my parents house as a side job and we communicate when need be. I have asked my parents on numerous occasions to fire her, but they will not. I feel it. I am familiar with this. She is gone. She won't be back to regret this so soon.  She has been on a new kick to where she actually has the child and isn't throwing the child off on someone, but the child cries every time she has to leave me because "no one plays with her or talks to her at her mom's house." She never wants to go home and it breaks my heart to see her crying. They recently moved into an apartment with two rooms so the child can have a room. The child is now 7, about to turn 8, leaving her is not an option. I will not leave her to the neglect of her mother. I will not be her first and second heartbreak (the child hurt a lot the first time she took her from me). I have a beautiful bond with the child, she loves me unconditionally. I do all that I can to give her a home where I live. She has her own room, trampoline, clothes and shoes, mini dirtbike, barbie jeep, swingset, and my undivided attention when she is here. I remember what it felt like to be alone and sad as a child and I could not leave my baby, even if her mother is such baggage.

My exBPD told my sister that S was finally starting to open up to her and she didn't find him stupid or annoying anymore. That she felt lucky to have met him and found him. That he encourages her to be a better person and be a better mom. He tells her that the child needs to be home with her and not around with anyone else, so that is part why she does not let me have the child that often anymore. She told my sister that she was really happy and planning on going back to school. I am, as ya'll know the feeling, torn in half. I always encouraged her to spend time with her child, planned vacations for us, bought her presents, raised her child, loved her unconditionally, shared my family with her, got a headstone for her dad, and even wrote a speech for her grandmother's funeral. I gave up friends,  my hobbies, EVERYTHING for help and she left. Since the start of my journey with my counselor and her journey with on, off, and now on again relationship with S, it has been 10 months. I have read book after book. Article after article. I still miss her. Today was the day I found out about her actually being happy with him. I thought it was a rebound, but it doesn't sound like it now.

How could she be so happy when I spent 11 years trying to make her happy as a friend and then lover? How is she healthy now? I am stuck in a cycle. I hate her. I love her. I miss her. Then finally, I believe I will never get better. Every time I hear something new, it shakes me back down. I am trying so hard to be a better person and to move on. I just don't know how to kick the desire to not leave her. I even start to wonder which one of us is crazy. Maybe it was me? Maybe she doesn't have BPD?  Part of me doesn't want to leave her, another part tells me I have no choice cause she is happy with someone else, the other part tells me to run. Does this ever end? Is there light at the end of this tunnel? How could she be so happy now when I gave her the world? It makes me feel like it is me. I did this to us. I was the one who failed by not being able to go back to friends. Anyway, I am struggling to live another day. I miss her so often, I feel like I will not make it through this. I am so sad she is happy with someone else and got the guy she always wanted. I know it sounds bad, but I wanted her to feel as much pain as she put her child and I through. How is it fair she gets all she wants, a great new caretaker and a happy life while I am struggling just to do small daily activities?  I cannot take this anymore... I am in so much pain. Please... some one help me! Any hope works. I feel like I have nothing and this pain wreaks havoc on me daily.

[freedomcome]

Hi,

I am quite new to this site, however, not so new to exploring BPD. I became "best friends" with a girl when I was a mere freshman in high school. I was quite religious then so I was hell bent on saving every one. She and I immediately hit it off from the start, side by side, best friends to take on the world. She got a boyfriend and as the story goes, she was a mom at 16. During this time I was doing all that I could to save her from the throws of a typical BPD life and it would be another 10 years before I even heard the word BPD. She already started doing the push/pull. She loved me one day and hated me the next. Even going so far as to blame me for her pregnancy because I "talked her in to" dating this boy (despite me heavily discouraging her having sex with him). Anyway, she has the baby, needs a friend who doesn't party and is more stable, so she comes back to me. Being the codependent that I was I took her back. For the next four years it was constant going back and forth. I essentially raised her daughter while trying to save my exBPD from herself and her TERRIBLE life choices. She slept around, went out with very questionable men, neglected her daughter whenever something more desirable came around, and treated me quite terribly. I end up becoming very attached to the little girl. My exBPD cannot go without a boyfriend, she has learned from her mother that the void of a life without a man is something she can't take. Or maybe is was the BPD the entire time... either source fits. She finds "Prince Charming", I don't approve of him, takes the child from me, gets married, and doesn't speak or see for me 2 1/2 years. Talk about agony and pain.

I missed the baby every minute of the day. Every second of my life I thought about "my little baby", if she was happy, what her favorite color was, if she even remembered me and all of the above. She was taken from me at the age of 3 1/2. I hardly had time to miss the BPD because I was tormented by the absence of a child that I love as my own. Eventually, I asked her to coffee to catch up, but I had deeper plans. I really just wanted to spend time with the baby, make sure she was safe, give her some love, and make sure she wasn't growing up in the type of environment that I grew up in. My exBPD ends up confessing that she missed me the entire time and apparently begged her husband to let her see me. The husband did not like me because at the time, I saw him as the predator and she as the victim. He was a typical psychopath. He put his hands on her, was very impulsive, they both had affairs that lasted briefly, and he didn't know what putting bread on the table meant. She comes to me crying and broken from this man. I, of course, rescue her. I jumped up to save the baby's life and her life. I let them move in with me, took care of the both of them, and did all I could to help her.

She was distraught, suicidal, depressed, all while smoking weed and taking adderall daily. Somehow, in the midst of all this crap, she and I ended up making out one blacked out night. I woke up and was filled with guilt and shame as I was already struggling in my relationship with Christianity. For some reason, I guess through years worth of friendship with her, me nurturing her, spending every minute worried about what terrible thing she would do next and picking her up off the floor, it went from being best friends to lovers within in month. At first, I could not handle it. It made me sick, but I kept doing it. I had this absolute need to please her. I had to give her all she wanted. Little by little... .I gave her all of me. Once she realized I was in love, it all went downhill. She was talking to her ex-husband behind my back, telling me she wanted to go back to him, and saying she would have never even left him if it hadn't been for me making her. She tells me she doesn't want to hook up anymore. I am heart broken as she was also my first love and intimate partner. She then only hooks up with me whenever she wants to. Whenever she was in the mood, she would do it, other than that, I got a "this is wrong. it isn't right. what about the baby? two girls shouldn't be together." The entire time she was living with me, I was taking her on trip after trip, buying her surprise and present after present, calming whatever storm she conjured up, and trying to love her to the best of my ability. I am no saint, but believe me when I tell you that I tried. I planned and paid for a trip to see her favorite musician several states away so that she could bond with her sister and my sister. Together we went to California, Chicago, Florida, Texas, and finally her dream land... New York. I surprised her with a riddle to the present and a plane ticket as her Christmas present. I cannot tell you all that I gave to her.

Once she didn't want me like that anymore and only wanted to be friends, I even tried to go have sex with a man to salvage our friendship. I literally felt like I was going insane. She then starts a relationship with a guy who she had never met before. He is without a doubt desperate and needy. He cannot go without being by her side, constantly whining to her. He was castrated by a controlling mother and is a very weak guy. But she tells me she didn't want a relationship with anyone; she was just talking to him to kill time. I couldn't say anything, we were supposed to only be friends now. I didn't want her to take the child and I didn't want her to leave so I tried my hardest to hide my feelings. It came to a point where I felt I was going insane. I had a panic attacks. My heart was broken. I was living and sleeping with someone who wanted to go back to only cuddling and nothing more. When we fought it was like speaking to someone who experienced our memories TOTALLY different than what I had thought or what had occurred. She told me she never wanted it to go as far as it did. However, she would swoop me into our closet to kiss her and tell me how much she missed me while I was at work. Wake me up for sex. Tell me she needs me and wants me... .All of this is kept a secret from the child and everyone else in our lives. No one knew the relationship had escalated. At the very end of us living together... I couldn't take it. She was spending the night with this guy. Bringing the child over there and lying about it. I still let her stay because of the child. However, once I found nd out she put the child on the floor while she slept in the bed with her new boyfriend, I packed her stuff up and kicked her out. She had been "trying to save our friendship" by telling me that she didn't want to give up on us, buying me a valentine's day present from the child, and numerous other things. I just couldn't go back to friends, I was already in love.

After I packed her things up, she didn't leave right away. We existed in the home some nights like nothing was wrong. It wasn't until a few weeks later she finally left. However, we still had the New York tickets. Not ready to let her go, I decide to take one last trip with her for old times sake. I thought I was strong enough to handle it. We ended up hooking up several times. She ignored her boyfriend and told me how she wanted to break up with him. She again wanted to work on us, but gave no clarification as to in what manner. After our trip, they are broken up, she is back staying the night with me. At this point, I had discovered she was had BPD, I had codependency, and I was seeing a counselor for almost 3 months. I asked her to go to counseling and she said she would but never did. I was trying to work on myself so I would purposely tell her no to things and exercise boundaries until eventually from NO WHERE... She gets back with the guy she had just broken up with, we will call him S. She was caretaking for his mother while his mom went through a divorce and got back with him. Despite how stupid this sounds, I never saw it coming. However, she ignored me for three weeks, until I went to her work and she admitted they were together and she in fact liked him. I can't remember exactly everything that was said, but she essentially told me that she loved me and I was the only family she had and I was the one person all these years she never lost, but this was it. I told her we could be together. She replied with "But what about the child?" I told her it didn't matter. Parents who are the opposite sex mess up raising children and just cause we were the same sex, it didn't matter. We could do it. She thought for a second and said no. I left crying and broken. Since then I learned that the first time around that she dated S, she had gotten pregnant while living with me, aborted his baby, called him stupid and immature. She told her other closest friend, who happens to be my sister, that she couldn't stand him. I was confused how she could go from being annoyed by him and aborting his baby to getting back together with him. I picked up what pieces I had and tried to carry on.

It has been 6 months. Wow. I can't even believe how long they have been together. She has moved in with him, he bought her a dog, and they are strutting about like they are the happiest in the world. She lets me see the child every two weeks or so. But these last few months have been filled with she and I fighting or me getting upset by whatever new thing her daughter cries to me about. She still cleans my parents house as a side job and we communicate when need be. I have asked my parents on numerous occasions to fire her, but they will not. I feel it. I am familiar with this. She is gone. She won't be back to regret this so soon.  She has been on a new kick to where she actually has the child and isn't throwing the child off on someone, but the child cries every time she has to leave me because "no one plays with her or talks to her at her mom's house." She never wants to go home and it breaks my heart to see her crying. They recently moved into an apartment with two rooms so the child can have a room. The child is now 7, about to turn 8, leaving her is not an option. I will not leave her to the neglect of her mother. I will not be her first and second heartbreak (the child hurt a lot the first time she took her from me). I have a beautiful bond with the child, she loves me unconditionally. I do all that I can to give her a home where I live. She has her own room, trampoline, clothes and shoes, mini dirtbike, barbie jeep, swingset, and my undivided attention when she is here. I remember what it felt like to be alone and sad as a child and I could not leave my baby, even if her mother is such baggage.

My exBPD told my sister that S was finally starting to open up to her and she didn't find him stupid or annoying anymore. That she felt lucky to have met him and found him. That he encourages her to be a better person and be a better mom. He tells her that the child needs to be home with her and not around with anyone else, so that is part why she does not let me have the child that often anymore. She told my sister that she was really happy and planning on going back to school. I am, as ya'll know the feeling, torn in half. I always encouraged her to spend time with her child, planned vacations for us, bought her presents, raised her child, loved her unconditionally, shared my family with her, got a headstone for her dad, and even wrote a speech for her grandmother's funeral. I gave up friends,  my hobbies, EVERYTHING for help and she left. Since the start of my journey with my counselor and her journey with on, off, and now on again relationship with S, it has been 10 months. I have read book after book. Article after article. I still miss her. Today was the day I found out about her actually being happy with him. I thought it was a rebound, but it doesn't sound like it now.

How could she be so happy when I spent 11 years trying to make her happy as a friend and then lover? How is she healthy now? I am stuck in a cycle. I hate her. I love her. I miss her. Then finally, I believe I will never get better. Every time I hear something new, it shakes me back down. I am trying so hard to be a better person and to move on. I just don't know how to kick the desire to not leave her. I even start to wonder which one of us is crazy. Maybe it was me? Maybe she doesn't have BPD?  Part of me doesn't want to leave her, another part tells me I have no choice cause she is happy with someone else, the other part tells me to run. Does this ever end? Is there light at the end of this tunnel? How could she be so happy now when I gave her the world? It makes me feel like it is me. I did this to us. I was the one who failed by not being able to go back to friends. Anyway, I am struggling to live another day. I miss her so often, I feel like I will not make it through this. I am so sad she is happy with someone else and got the guy she always wanted. I know it sounds bad, but I wanted her to feel as much pain as she put her child and I through. How is it fair she gets all she wants, a great new caretaker and a happy life while I am struggling just to do small daily activities?  I cannot take this anymore... I am in so much pain. Please... some one help me! Any hope works. I feel like I have nothing and this pain wreaks havoc on me daily.

[Mutt]

I am stuck in a cycle. I hate her. I love her. I miss her. Then finally, I believe I will never get better. Every time I hear something new, it shakes me back down. I am trying so hard to be a better person and to move on. I just don't know how to kick the desire to not leave her. I even start to wonder which one of us is crazy. Maybe it was me? Maybe she doesn't have BPD?  Part of me doesn't want to leave her, another part tells me I have no choice cause she is happy with someone else, the other part tells me to run. Does this ever end? Is there light at the end of this tunnel?How could she be so happy now when I gave her the world? It makes me feel like it is me. I did this to us. I was the one who failed by not being able to go back to friends. Anyway, I am struggling to live another day. I miss her so often, I feel like I will not make it through this. I am so sad she is happy with someone else and got the guy she always wanted. I know it sounds bad, but I wanted her to feel as much pain as she put her child and I through. How is it fair she gets all she wants, a great new caretaker and a happy life while I am struggling just to do small daily activities?  I cannot take this anymore... I am in so much pain. Please... some one help me! Any hope works. I feel like I have nothing and this pain wreaks havoc on me daily.

Hi freedomcome,



I'm sorry to hear that. I felt the same way. I don't think that it sounds bad. I was in a lot of pain and wanted my ex partner to feel the pain that she caused me. You're hurt. It does end when we get off the emotional roller-coaster and detach.

I met my step daughter when she was 5 and my relationship with her mother ended when she was 13. Her mother left me and moved in with her boyfriend and I couldn't see my kids or my step daughter. I had to go to court to fight to get a court order and see my kids. I couldn't fight for her because legally she wasn't mine. When you relate with someone often it becomes a relationship. My step daughter and I created a bond and I looked at her as my own.

I understand how painful that feels. I had to pause our relationship in the hopes that we could resume the relationship when she is of age.  It helps to talk with people that have walked a mile in your shoes.

[Suzn]

Hello freedomcome

Welcome. So glad you found us, you're not alone in this. My story with my exBPDgf is very close to yours, I'm sorry you're in so much pain.    I had to walk away from two children that weren't biologically mine too. During several breakups I was allowed to see them for periods of time and then they were periodically taken away. This is hard on everyone involved.

I finally walked away after I saw what it was doing to the children. One of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Breakups are hard for anyone, add in BPD and it can be devastating. Although no one here can diagnose your ex, that takes a licensed professional, the behaviors you point out are all to familiar.

Six months isn't all that long in terms of grieving and you are grieving a significant loss, be kind to you during this time. It gets better. Stick with us, keep posting, it helps. 

[Fr4nz]

I see a massive white-knight complex here... .

[freedomcome]

Mutt: Thank you for letting me know I am not the only one going through something so "unique." I rarely come across anyone who understands what it is like to love a child that is not biologically theirs. I appreciate all the support! 

Suzn: I try to make it as easy as I can with the child. I am there whenever I am allowed to see her and I try to keep it as positive as possible. I want to be there to support her, help her grow, remind her that she is loved, and drop little hints of wisdom in her ear (wisdom that was not shared with me when I was her age). When she opens up to me about her experiences, I remind her how she is special, loved, and deserves to be treated that way. She behaves exactly like I do, so I am just hoping she doesn't end up growing to be a codependent. I am climbing out of codependency right now. I appreciate your support. Thank you for reminding me that I need to be kind to myself.