What are you most happy about in your life after your ex?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

At this point, mine is having no more narcissistic triangulations in my life (maybe it will be something else tomorrow:)). Really. I feel so relieved about this. Dealing with a pained ex is one thing, interference from his online harem is quite another - at one point I felt like I was having a relationship with some narcissistic/borderline females as well. I know it's his boundary problems but they were so willing to be in this relationship as well. Living your private life in front of everybody's eyes like that, all that hypocrisy and lies. It was so disgusting really. Some people even practice physical cheating with more grace. Oh, I'm so happy that I'm out of that and they are out of my life - I can't even think of my ex as 1 person now, it's "they") It's soo relieving. So, what are you most happy about?

[thisworld]

At this point, mine is having no more narcissistic triangulations in my life (maybe it will be something else tomorrow:)). Really. I feel so relieved about this. Dealing with a pained ex is one thing, interference from his online harem is quite another - at one point I felt like I was having a relationship with some narcissistic/borderline females as well. I know it's his boundary problems but they were so willing to be in this relationship as well. Living your private life in front of everybody's eyes like that, all that hypocrisy and lies. It was so disgusting really. Some people even practice physical cheating with more grace. Oh, I'm so happy that I'm out of that and they are out of my life - I can't even think of my ex as 1 person now, it's "they") It's soo relieving. So, what are you most happy about?

[Inside]

Gosh, it’s been 2 years now, and I’ve really moved on ... .as in across the country!  Knowing my new network of friends will not include her is satisfying ... .she’ll soon be 3,000 miles away! 

Initially, the instant lack of drama was like being placed on pure oxygen.  A renewed closeness to my children and previous friends and family was exhilarating as well.  She’s ‘still there,’ like craving a drug I suspect … but fading...

… “most happy”... ?  That I did not lock myself further into a r/s destined for destruction.  As it took all I had to keep her afloat ... it was near impossible to keep track of everything else that was falling overboard…  Not now.  Life’s settled, serious and positive changes have been made, and if there’s anything that was learned - I can share it here

[Herodias]

"At this point, mine is having no more narcissistic triangulations in my life (maybe it will be something else tomorrow:)). Really. I feel so relieved about this. Dealing with a pained ex is one thing, interference from his online harem is quite another - at one point I felt like I was having a relationship with some narcissistic/borderline females as well. I know it's his boundary problems but they were so willing to be in this relationship as well. Living your private life in front of everybody's eyes like that, all that hypocrisy and lies. It was so disgusting really. Some people even practice physical cheating with more grace. Oh, I'm so happy that I'm out of that and they are out of my life - I can't even think of my ex as 1 person now, it's "they"smiley)) It's soo relieving."

This World, you have said it perfectly! I agree! I am so glad not to be dealing with the harem as well! No more, put downs, living on fear of how the day will end, wondering what kind of mood he will be in, doing what I want, when I want... .no messes to clean up, no guns, no hospital visits, no in-laws, not spending all my money on someone else to make them "happy", no watching horror flicks or military movies, no car accidents, no porn style sex, I could go on and on... .it really makes me wonder what all my crying was about, !

[troisette]

You said it perfectly for me too, this world. Yes, I also felt that I was having a relationship with some narcissistic females as well as him. Living our private life in the spotlight of their ego dynamics. Children in adult bodies. I didn't realise how tiring it all was.

Such a relief to be able to be me again.

[willtimeheal]

Freedom. I am most happy about freedom. Being able to do what I want when I want to and not worry about jealousy or a rage. Being able to see my friends and family and not being meet with jealousy and rage. Being successful at work and personally accomplishing goals (like running 5ks) and being able to celebrate those wins instead if hide them because they were met with jealousy and rage... .I am most thankful for... .freedom. The freedom to spread my wings and be the person I am meant to be!  

[anxiety5]

I'm most thankful for the strength inside me that I found, and never knew I had. It's the foundation that I'm rebuilding my entire life around. Anyone who gets through one of these relationships is incredibly strong. Don't ever underestimate that. All of you.

Also, self empowerment. I'm in control now. When the voices of doubt, inadequacy, longing, or worthlessness creep into my head in the background. I acknowledge it. Tell it, it's DEAD wrong, take a deep breath and change what I'm doing or my thought process in order to stay on track.

I'm hoping to kill that voice of doubt that was always there, but my ex invited to the front of my mind through her actions. I've taken it's power away. You live once people. You are worthy of all the happiness in the World. It's yours for the taking.

[Trip09]

I'm most thankful for the strength inside me that I found, and never knew I had. It's the foundation that I'm rebuilding my entire life around. Anyone who gets through one of these relationships is incredibly strong. Don't ever underestimate that. All of you.

Also, self empowerment. I'm in control now. When the voices of doubt, inadequacy, longing, or worthlessness creep into my head in the background. I acknowledge it. Tell it, it's DEAD wrong, take a deep breath and change what I'm doing or my thought process in order to stay on track.

I'm hoping to kill that voice of doubt that was always there, but my ex invited to the front of my mind through her actions. I've taken it's power away. You live once people. You are worthy of all the happiness in the World. It's yours for the taking.

100% spot on! Exactly how I feel and what I have been focused on after going through hell when I got discarded and replaced by my exBPD.

A good friend told me things 'will get better'. Now I just make sure that when ever something good happens, I use it a re-affirmation that he's right, things are getting better... And each day they do! Now I'm just excited to see what the future holds

[hopealways]

Great thread.

I am happy that for the first time in my life I am finding myself (as cheesy as that sounds). I am working on myself, allowing myself to be comfortable being alone, trying to be mindful. In many ways I am just starting my life now.  Not sure what I was doing all these years other than running around staying busy and "successful" apparently to avoid dealing with my inner pain.

[Herodias]

"Great thread."



I just remembered one of the biggest things for me is to not have to wonder whether or not I am being lied to! This is huge! He lied so much, you never knew what the truth was! I just lived with it and ignored it... .such a strange life I was leading really... .being gas-lighted, awful!

[hergestridge]

Not being afraid. Not feeling anxious. Being left alone in peace so that I can see myself and my life the way it really is.

Now I know that when I feel afraid or anxious it is for real, not something projected onto me. It is about me.

[balletomane]

That I'm no longer tiptoeing through a minefield.

I can relax and enjoy time with my friends without worrying that I might accidentally say something that will trigger the silent treatment or cold paranoid fury. I'm learning to trust people again and to understand that most people don't normally overreact like that or try to punish you for every tiny perceived mistake. It's made me appreciate my friends and loving family even more.

I've now realised that after the first two months with him, when the first cracks started to appear, I was always anxious. I got so used to the anxiety that I didn't notice it was there. It's only now that it's on its way out that I realised how much time I spent living in dread of the next storm and how much time I spent trying to ward it off. I can relax again now.

[anxiety5]

Great thread.

I am happy that for the first time in my life I am finding myself (as cheesy as that sounds). I am working on myself, allowing myself to be comfortable being alone, trying to be mindful. In many ways I am just starting my life now.  Not sure what I was doing all these years other than running around staying busy and "successful" apparently to avoid dealing with my inner pain.

I don't think there is anything cheesy about that at all. I'm in the same boat. Mid 30s and exactly as you say, finding myself for the first time. I know exactly how you feel. You aren't alone my friend! Hoping for big things in 2016, for myself and everyone else on here too. Glad you are posting here. It's reassuring to me knowing that others are going exactly what I'm going through.

[anxiety5]

Perspective.

Isn't it weird when the very person who you longed for, ached for, wished would come back or wished you could go back to at one point, now gives you an anxiety attack when even considering spending time in their vicinity? We sure as hell know they will never change, so the only change that could have occurred in the above sequence of events is WITHIN ME.

Distance. Perspective. That's what I'm most thankful for.

[thisworld]

Perspective.

Isn't it weird when the very person who you longed for, ached for, wished would come back or wished you could go back to at one point, now gives you an anxiety attack when even considering spending time in their vicinity? We sure as hell know they will never change, so the only change that could have occurred in the above sequence of events is WITHIN ME.

Distance. Perspective. That's what I'm most thankful for.

This is so spot on. I noticed that anxiety within myself but never interpreted it this way. Thank you for this perspective:)) I sure wish I was completely indifferent but even that anxiety is surely empowering. (It feels so good to be able to see them from that place where I don't want them.)

[thisworld]

Initially, the instant lack of drama was like being placed on pure oxygen.  

Yes, yes and yes! Actually, I remember our last night together. We slept separately. I felt relief. It's a sign that I felt I was in an abusive relationship. I knew sadness would settle in at one point but I made a point to notice that relief. Since then, I try to remember that if I'm about to slip emotionally. It helps me a lot.

[anxiety5]

Perspective.

Isn't it weird when the very person who you longed for, ached for, wished would come back or wished you could go back to at one point, now gives you an anxiety attack when even considering spending time in their vicinity? We sure as hell know they will never change, so the only change that could have occurred in the above sequence of events is WITHIN ME.

Distance. Perspective. That's what I'm most thankful for.

This is so spot on. I noticed that anxiety within myself but never interpreted it this way. Thank you for this perspective:)) I sure wish I was completely indifferent but even that anxiety is surely empowering. (It feels so good to be able to see them from that place where I don't want them.)

Yes. They are like a trojan horse that we let into our soul. They wreck havoc and when we are so enmeshed within that relationship we don't realize how we are being damaged. That anxiety is our good ole inner voice/intuition/gut instinct. That friend of ours within us that screams like a beacon DANGER.  Thats an old friend who didn't scream very loud anymore when we dated these people because we stopped listening to it. I take it as a sign of health when I feel that way. That's the new me saying GET AWAY FROM THIS PERSON RIGHT NOW. Her energy feels to me like radiation. Like I can be damaged from just being in her vicinity too long.

It serves an extra bonus too. I'll never feel any hurt from being replaced, because I don't intend to ever talk or see her again! ha ha. Whatever she is doing, that's awesome. Do your thing. I'll never know, and I don't care. Therefore it all means = 0 to me.

[Michelle27]

That I'm not living every day as if an ax is hanging over my head, waiting for it to fall at any moment for any reason (or no reason that I could fathom).  I'm so grateful for that.

[thisworld]

Great thread.

I am happy that for the first time in my life I am finding myself (as cheesy as that sounds). I am working on myself, allowing myself to be comfortable being alone, trying to be mindful. In many ways I am just starting my life now.  Not sure what I was doing all these years other than running around staying busy and "successful" apparently to avoid dealing with my inner pain.

Yes. This may be the biggest gift we can give to ourselves. And our souls, bodies, minds are so hungry for this I think. I feel like I neglected myself for a very long time - and I was together with the BPD for 2.5-3 months only. The emotional burden feels much heavier, as if I spent a decade.

[thisagain]

I agree with a lot of the previous posts! Personally my favorite part is just how calm my life is now. I'm alone a lot and it can be boring, but there is zero drama. I look forward to going home after work now, instead of dreading what kind of mood my partner will be in. Even during her relatively good times I had to do a LOT of emotional heavy lifting and waiting for the other shoe to drop. She had a basically insatiable need for validation and almost no ability to self-soothe. It was exhausting. Now I can just go home and relax.

[thisworld]

Perspective.

Isn't it weird when the very person who you longed for, ached for, wished would come back or wished you could go back to at one point, now gives you an anxiety attack when even considering spending time in their vicinity? We sure as hell know they will never change, so the only change that could have occurred in the above sequence of events is WITHIN ME.

Distance. Perspective. That's what I'm most thankful for.

This is so spot on. I noticed that anxiety within myself but never interpreted it this way. Thank you for this perspective:)) I sure wish I was completely indifferent but even that anxiety is surely empowering. (It feels so good to be able to see them from that place where I don't want them.)

Yes. They are like a trojan horse that we let into our soul. They wreck havoc and when we are so enmeshed within that relationship we don't realize how we are being damaged. That anxiety is our good ole inner voice/intuition/gut instinct. That friend of ours within us that screams like a beacon DANGER.  Thats an old friend who didn't scream very loud anymore when we dated these people because we stopped listening to it. I take it as a sign of health when I feel that way. That's the new me saying GET AWAY FROM THIS PERSON RIGHT NOW. Her energy feels to me like radiation. Like I can be damaged from just being in her vicinity too long.

It serves an extra bonus too. I'll never feel any hurt from being replaced, because I don't intend to ever talk or see her again! ha ha. Whatever she is doing, that's awesome. Do your thing. I'll never know, and I don't care. Therefore it all means = 0 to me.

Yes, anxiety and a sense of suffocation. As if I had just eaten world's most awful stew or swallowed a balloon. It's also wonderful that all his communication -NC doesn't work, I'm going gray rock- result in very predictable feelings in me, nothing unique or varied like that which happens when I'm communicating with a healthier person. I either feel suffocated - too much attachment from him like trying to forcefully attach himself to me. Or a resentment because he feels very manipulative to me. If he leaves me alone, I can feel more empathetic. But communication, oh my.

[thisworld]

Living our private life in the spotlight of their ego dynamics.

Yeah, Panopticon is nothing when compared to this. This is like multiple control towers hosting disordered and constantly competitive, curious individuals. I'd rather publish my private life on a tabloid. At least I would get some copyright fee or something:)) 

[Joem678]

My relationship with my kids.  I was always walking on egg shells.  I was always being judged.  My kids recently told me that they could see why I was always on edge.  My kids and I have bonded on a whole new level.  It is the best feeling in the world. 

The ability to be myself.  I feel like I haven't felt in over 15 years.  My famil has noticed.  They keep telling me that I seem more relaxed.

[troisette]

I am slightly intrigued thisworld about the change in dynamics when we removed ourselves from them and their audience.

It's said that there are fundamental changes in group functioning when one person removes themselves, and changes again when another joins. I wonder, from a safe distance, how that affects the group ego dynamics... .

[greenmonkey]

The peace and quiet, the calm.

Both myself and my 2 dogs are very relaxed. There is no chaos, no mess, no tidying up after another 'child'. No tantrums because of the shopping that I did that did not suit her, no one constantly lying to my face about every subject under the sun. No one draining me emotionally and financially, I can do what and how I want without an interrogation to nth degree whilst she led her double/triple life that could not be questioned at any time.

Most of all I just value the tranquillity of my life - when you are so enmeshed you just forget that life can be like that. It was like that before and now I have it back again - it just feels so wonderful 

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey TW-

interference from his online harem is quite another - at one point I felt like I was having a relationship with some narcissistic/borderline females as well... .

Gotta interject with the clinical stuff that jumped out: someone who fears abandonment full time is motivated to develop and maintain several attachments, the more attachments the lower the chance of being completely abandoned.

And from another thread of yours:

I received a longish paragraph that started with how much he hated to be dependent on me during our relationship and that was our demise

And someone who fears engulfment is not going to feel good being dependent upon someone, one step closer to losing himself entirely.

These relationships are complex, especially when we throw our own stuff in the mix, it takes two to tango, but it can be helpful to go back to the basics of the disorder, which play out in myriad ways, but realizing what's going on with a specific personality disorder and its origins can make things understandable, which can be half the key to detachment.

[thisworld]

Hey Fromheeltoheal

You are right, this is a disorder through and through. And the harem is something disordered through and through. The guy checks in at a place on FB for instance. He says he is with me. A nice restaurant. The harem starts texting:)) I'm ecstatic that I stepped out of this.

Engulfment, abandonment. There isn't much I can do about a man who starts writing that and then asks me to hire him a place in the very same paragraph:)) His opinions change faster than I can ever understand what's going on. (Why am I hiring him a place? How does he believe that it is ever possible? It's kind of funny actually. It's so unreal. He gave me lots of information about the heating of the place. What heating! )

We are tangoing a bit at the moment because of LC (which I increased but I feel pretty detached emotionally, plus he makes zero sense really) and I'm asking for constructive help on the other boards. 

[fromheeltoheal]

You are right, this is a disorder through and through. And the harem is something disordered through and through. The guy checks in at a place on FB for instance. He says he is with me. A nice restaurant. The harem starts texting:)) I'm ecstatic that I stepped out of this.

Yes, borderlines can feel like they literally don't exist without an attachment, and are convinced all attachments will abandon them eventually, a reenactment of the conditions that created the disorder to begin with, so throwing out attachment bait like that on FB on then getting a lot of texts from other attachments both soothes the abandonment fears and gives him a large sense of importance and identity, so the smartphone becomes an excellent double-duty soothing device, while avoiding engulfment fears because texting with a smartphone keeps an emotional distance.

We are tangoing a bit at the moment because of LC (which I increased but I feel pretty detached emotionally, plus he makes zero sense really) and I'm asking for constructive help on the other boards. 

Good for you!  Some say detaching while maintaining limited contact is the best course because you get immediate and real-time feedback on how your detachment is going, and it avoids the drama of complete no contact.  Bottom line is if we focus on what's best for us, a new concept for most of us coming out of these relationships, we can decide what we're capable of at the time and what's appropriate.

[VitaminC]

Yes, borderlines can feel like they literally don't exist without an attachment, and are convinced all attachments will abandon them eventually, a reenactment of the conditions that created the disorder to begin with... .


Some say detaching while maintaining limited contact is the best course because you get immediate and real-time feedback on how your detachment is going, and it avoids the drama of complete no contact. 

Bottom line is if we focus on what's best for us, a new concept for most of us coming out of these relationships, we can decide what we're capable of at the time and what's appropriate.

Excellent points!

I just took a screenshot and saved this to a special folder on my desktop.

[thisworld]

Troisette,

From what I have observed, different confidantes react differently: The oldest ones - a long history together, maybe they were lovers etc- are familiar with the process. (Some have been putting conscientious effort to ruin the new relationship anyway It's not just my idea, my ex's mother warned him about a particular confidante:)) She disappears from his life mostly but systematically reappears when he is in a relationship, which is a nice ego boost for my ex of course:)) He says really bad things behind her back, too.  Still, their unhealthy bond gets stronger with each break up as she is more constant than us (we dump him because of this girl and their dynamic , she actually has her own boyfriend.) Because we seldom sit down in these relationships and think about what is happening, by the time it has ended, we have complained to our ex about this dynamic, trying to show him the right way, argh! So, my ex first shares that information with her selectively. Whatever will be of use to him and a bit of flattery to the girl- "she was jealous of you". This reinforces the bond beautifully. Both bread and poison. When there is no girlfriend around, they have fights as well but they make up quickly. They have a very low-quality communication style I think.

This one is also stalking my FB. He misunderstood smt I said and though I had closed my account -he is blocked but this woman can see- and he was shocked to hear that like - "What? What? Did you close your account? When did that happen? But... .Blah blah" It was so funny. I think he was shocked because she was passing different and actually accurate information to him:))


Less experienced, more naive confidantes will express sorrow and offer consolation:)) He will be a graceful victim, with the right dose of self-criticism (usually one word:)) and then will forgive me in front of them.

[troisette]

Oh, you are so right thisworld!

My ex's harem consists of a former lover from 20 years ago, they have a strange symbiotic relationship. He never said anything good about her, and was often critical, but told me in advance that she would  be destructive to me when we first met, and then sat by while she did it, and then told me she was fragile and that I was being unfair to her when I complained about it afterwards.

Then there is the chief narcissistic supply, the one I met today, see other thread, who monopolises him, exhibition dances with him, flirts and generally behaves like an attention seeking child. He seems to be third person in her marriage.

Then there are three or four others in the town, who are cadets.

Then his former partner who he frequently mentioned, about how wonderful she was and maintains contact with. Despite that she sold his house from under him, moved away, and owes him a large sum of money.

I empathise with his ex wife who he constantly devalues because she has very limited contact with him and although we all live in the same town, she doesn't want to join his group of friends and has her own life elsewhere. Wise woman.