On Humiliation and getting back at them

[EaglesJuju]

I completely understand the anger and hurt of everyone in this thread.   I have felt the hurt and anger from my pwBPD as well. There are no words to truly describe the hurt and anguish you have felt. I am sorry that you all have had to endure such sadness.

When in the early phases of healing, we are hurt and are mostly concentrating on our own pain. We often feel that the BPD ex got off "scot free". They don't get a free pass, they typically keep doing the same dysfunctional things and keep ruining their relationships.

This is completely accurate.  A pwBPD will hate themselves more than you ever could. They have vicious cycles of shame/self-loathing/self-disgust, which triggers maladaptive behavior to cope and regulate their emotions. For a BPD sufferer it is a never ending cycle of self-sabotage and destruction. You could do the worst thing that you could possibly think of to get retribution, but it really is nothing compared to the hell they face on a daily basis.  Remember, a large portion of BPD sufferers self-harm and are suicidal. Honestly, there is nothing that you can really do that is worse to someone that already has suicidal ideation and wants to die. 

All personality disordered people are not the same. I have experienced a personality disordered relationship by being the partner and the person with a personality disorder. My pwBPD, suffers from BPD  and I was diagnosed with Dependent Personality Disorder. Granted, I do not fit the criteria for DPD anymore because of years of therapy and a lot of hard work. DPD is different from BPD, although both disorders share abandonment fears and poor self-esteem. PwDPD tend to be more of people pleasers and blame themselves for other people's behavior.

I do not condone hurtful or cruel behavior whether it be from a BPD, NPD, DPD, or a non-personality disordered person. From my own experience before therapy, there really was nothing anyone could have done to me to make me feel worse than I already did about myself. I felt more guilt about things that most people would never blame themselves for. All it would take is for someone to threaten or trigger abandonment and that was it; game over. 

[Herodias]

FR4NZ, Some BPD's have traits of NPD and anti-social disorder as well. I have also read that BPD's can be as bad and/or worse in some ways... .It is really hard for therapists to diagnose them,  we know them better than anyone. Mine loved animals, but when in a situation when he felt he wanted to control them, he would hold the cat tight and not let it move... .as he did with me. He would also pull the dog away from me and threaten to hurt her to upset me... .I never thought he would but I don't know. He would also never follow "rules" like pick up after her or leave her on the leash. We argued about that allot. One time he let her run out of the yard when he was drunk and someone down the street picked her up and luckily we caught him before he took her to the pound! Just awful. She would shake when he was drunk. She didn't want to be around him but felt upset when he would force her to come to him since dogs want to do what they are told. It was very upsetting. Actually, I am glad this came up because these are the things I need to remember! I am horrified to think of him with a child. I bet his parents are as well! I am glad it wasn't any worse as I am sure there are stories that are allot worse.

[Beach_Babe]

I am convinced mine was NPD. His psychiatrist, however, diagnosed BPD. My point, regardless, is that we are quick to judge people who are hurting. No revenge is NOT a good idea, but I can remember a time when that's all I thought about too. It took a while for those feelings to dissipate and being shamed in no way sped up the process. It's true, you will never them "teach a lesson", they are sick and its wasted energy. Better to improve ourselves.

[Turkish]

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