On Humiliation and getting back at them

[NCEA]

The hard part to come to grips with is whether their actions were premeditated as sometimes it sure seems that way.  If that's the case it sure seems like it's wrong to let them just walk away without paying any price for doing what they did and then they can do it to the next person that comes in their life.  I think all of us would like justice of some sort if their actions were truly premeditated.

Yes, they know. When they answer in an ugly way, when they play the cold/hot game, when they cheat, when they do something immoral, they know that what they're doing is bad. Or else she wouldn't talk about "her monster" or "afraid of being herself".

She's afraid? She should have been. She could have taken herself to therapy. She could have asked for help. She could have not done what she knew was wrong.

She didn't break the law, you can't go to the police... .so you take action yourself. I'm doing it. Time will take it's toll on her as well, I know it will, but I want an active part in it.

[Inharmsway]

Good points you making there about getting them back and returning the favor. Although I wasn't really discarded unceremoniously, i did the leaving after having had enough.

The fact that they were trolling the internet in less than 3 days looking for sex was a major blow not just to whatever was left of my ego but also a final nail in the coffin. It confirmed that my decision was good afterall.

Karma will get them for us, I've let go and am now at peace. The fact that he might be stuck in this vicious loop brings me some twisted comfort and joy but since it's another human being, i feel their pain and wouldn't wish what they have on my worst enemy. It's a hollow, empty, painful and horrible life to lead.

If i were religious, I'd equate BPD to eternal "HELL".

[steve195915]

Good points you making there about getting them back and returning the favor. Although I wasn't really discarded unceremoniously, i did the leaving after having had enough.

The fact that they were trolling the internet in less than 3 days looking for sex was a major blow not just to whatever was left of my ego but also a final nail in the coffin. It confirmed that my decision was good afterall.

Karma will get them for us, I've let go and am now at peace. The fact that he might be stuck in this vicious loop brings me some twisted comfort and joy but since it's another human being, i feel their pain and wouldn't wish what they have on my worst enemy. It's a hollow, empty, painful and horrible life to lead.

If i were religious, I'd equate BPD to eternal "HELL".

Yes BPD is hell for them, that's why so many threaten or commit suicide, or cut themselves. 

I wouldn't wish BPD on my worst enemy either. 

[GVincent]

Gosh! Gosh Golly Gee Whiz!

I'm really hurting right this minute. Up and down like most of you/us since the breakup. Learning to love myself again slowly, very slowly but surely. And right this moment, as I write to you all, taking a break at the office as my poor tired and obsessed brain takes me to that horrible place of -LIAR, CHEATER, HOW COULD YOU, FOUND THOSE PICTURES WHERE YOU'RE ALL DRESSED UP FOR HIM, NOT ME... .etc and I come here to this place for some solace, some support, and I see, as always, that I am not alone.

So my take on all this - I get it, I really do. From where I sit at this exact moment, my emotions are right there with you -get back at her, hurt her, make her feel what I'm feeling, etc.

But here's the thing. I'll still be here, before, during and after I get back. I'll still be here, hurting, not loving myself, wanting somehow to "get back together" NOT! But you know what I mean.

Is my ex evil? I don't know. Did she do things to me that I felt were evil, probably. But I AM NOT EVIL. Even if our 15 year r/s was not real to her, it was to me. I never did anything but TRY with my own means, my own problems and codependency issues, to love her, protect her, and yes control and change her, save her, to the best of my ability.

I'm so tired of that, of her and of that person I was. I am no longer that person. I am rebuilding, becoming a better me.

So the upshot, my 2 cents-I really do understand the need/desire for revenge, I really do. Personally I have decided to take revenge on me, on the me that accepted the humiliation. Revenge on me by becoming, as I said, a new-improved better me.

Peace,

G

[steve195915]

The hard part to come to grips with is whether their actions were premeditated as sometimes it sure seems that way.  If that's the case it sure seems like it's wrong to let them just walk away without paying any price for doing what they did and then they can do it to the next person that comes in their life.  I think all of us would like justice of some sort if their actions were truly premeditated.

Yes, they know. When they answer in an ugly way, when they play the cold/hot game, when they cheat, when they do something immoral, they know that what they're doing is bad. Or else she wouldn't talk about "her monster" or "afraid of being herself".

She's afraid? She should have been. She could have taken herself to therapy. She could have asked for help. She could have not done what she knew was wrong.

She didn't break the law, you can't go to the police... .so you take action yourself. I'm doing it. Time will take it's toll on her as well, I know it will, but I want an active part in it.

I can totally understand the anger you feel, as I felt the same too at first.  They sort of know they did wrong with their bad words, or horrible actions, and they may have some sense that something is wrong with them, but at the same time they seem not to be able to really comprehend it and do something about it.  Their thought process is insane.  

As far as taking actions on them, whatever you do will most likely just backfire.  If you try to tell her family or friends or acquaintances about her, it will just make you look bad as they know how to play the victim role and can use this to their advantage, it also justifies their actions too.  If you do something illegal then you will just risk getting yourself in trouble.  

As Inharmsway said, they're living a hollow, empty, painful and horrible life, a living hell.  Hopefully your anger will subside and you can find peace in that.

[Fr4nz]

I can totally understand the anger you feel, as I felt the same too at first.  They sort of know they did wrong with their bad words, or horrible actions, and they may have some sense that something is wrong with them, but at the same time they seem not to be able to really comprehend it and do something about it.  Their thought process is insane.  

They have huge problems with self-esteem and they often loathe themselves in extreme ways.

As such, their impulsive actions often produce shame in them aftwerwards, a shame they have somehow to hide under the carpet or compartimentalize in their mind; that's why they often have to find some excuses for their actions or they split you black: these are defense mechanisms which kick in to preserve their self.

[Learning_curve74]

I totally understand people often want revenge. We want somebody who hurt us to be hurt in turn. As if they will learn a lesson or something too. However, what steve195915 wrote is worth repeating:

As far as taking actions on them, whatever you do will most likely just backfire.  If you try to tell her family or friends or acquaintances about her, it will just make you look bad as they know how to play the victim role and can use this to their advantage, it also justifies their actions too.  If you do something illegal then you will just risk getting yourself in trouble.  

The issue with "taking revenge" is that we may not like the outcome. Or it will hurt us as well. It depends too much on the other person, and that's something to learn: when our happiness or peace of mind depends on another person, we can be too easily disappointed.

BPD is a learned ingrained pattern of disordered thoughts and dysfunctional strategies towards life. It takes years of intense therapy and work to change these things. Getting revenge on her only reinforces her worldview and the way she treats people. Basically, "people screw me, so I have to screw them first, thank you NCEA for reinforcing it."

[Mutt]

I feel it's important to take control back, by writing the true last note.

Anger is healthy when it helps us to detach from an unhealthy relationship but when anger turns to revenge the other person has control over us. Someone else mentioned doing emotional work on ourselves. I think that you will find many members here agree that these break-ups are a lot of pain NCEA but to take control is to take control of ourselves and let go, that path will lead to emotional well being and peace.

We all come from different walks of life and have different experiences but we can empathize with how difficult these r/s break-ups are.  I'm sorry to hear that she humiliated you but my advise is to share your experience with us on the forum, get it off of your chest and process the anger.

[bAlex]

Reading everyone's posts here, and most of you seem to make logical, good points. But I agree with NCEA - they know damn well that what they do IS wrong, but they do it anyway. They know damn well that they're guilty when you confront them, but they deny, manipulate, gaslight and straight up lie their way out of it, they just don't care who they hurt in the process. They will rarely, if ever admit any wrong on their part, always about them, what they want. When I needed her to do what was right the simple act of LISTENING wasn't even an option. She knew right from wrong, she just chose to ignore it.

Considering the comments on these boards about them not being logical, no remorse, not learning from mistakes, them being able to move on to the next "victim" with such ease if their world came crashing down, simply blaming others and taking on the role of the victim etc... Is any amount of karma ever enough for them to finally learn something? Is karma even strong enough to even stand up to their train of thought? Will anything bad make a difference in their lives seeing that they seem to thrive in chaos? How can it be a living hell for them? Water off a duck's back. I can't help but feel somewhat helpless when I read about that. They seem to be immune to whatever life throws at them.

I understand they are sick and they didn't choose to be this way. But does that give them a free pass to do what they want? Just steamroll their way through life and sorry for you for being in the way? Should we keep taking the high road and understand, forgive, accept, move on? Just NC? Is that really our only defence? It doesn't seem enough. Some members have been here for years, is that everyone's fate when all they wanted to do was be in a happy relationship? Why should we pay for their sorrows?

[Invictus01]

No point. The best thing you can do is walk away. Just walk away, no revenge is necessary. The best way to go through life is to get rid of people who don't belong there and keep the ones who want to be there, no matter what their state of mind is.

[once removed]

like everyone else, i understand the desire for revenge. the point has been made that this is a person with mental illness you are dealing with, and that revenge is probably fraught with peril, or likely will not bring the justice or self soothing you are seeking; you dont have control over the outcome. we spent most of these relationships trying to control an outcome, over which we had no control. it can seem a difficult pill to swallow, but when radically accepted, can feel incredibly freeing.

when a relationship comes to an end (the case for all of us here) the power struggle is over (usually). we are faced with detaching, or not. this is the detaching board. engaging in revenge is not detaching.

in other words, this relationship ended; in a painful and humiliating way that understandably hurt your ego, i understand. ive been there. you can heal from this. but the relationship ended. when i was a senior in high school i had a three month relationship that left me devastated. to this day, i have occasional painful dreams about her, and if i were to try, i can dig up painful thoughts, feelings, and memories. would you recommend i seek revenge or would you remind me that the relationship ended?

you describe this person as a monster, fair enough. if thats the case, you can cut your losses and consider yourself free, she can never hurt you again. shes not your problem anymore.

[NCEA]

like everyone else, i understand the desire for revenge. the point has been made that this is a person with mental illness you are dealing with, and that revenge is probably fraught with peril, or likely will not bring the justice or self soothing you are seeking; you dont have control over the outcome. we spent most of these relationships trying to control an outcome, over which we had no control. it can seem a difficult pill to swallow, but when radically accepted, can feel incredibly freeing.

The only "outcome" is damage, there is nothing too elaborate here. I was listening to No More Mr. Nice Guy a couple of days ago and to be honest I'm starting to feel that part of the reason most of you don't agree with me is that you're SUCH NICE GUYS, which is the reason you got here in the first place.

You can learn to stand firm on your boundaries RETROACTIVELY.  You've been harmed? HARM BACK. I know, at the time you were hurt and confused and had CD, but now after a few months it's time to get even.

Who's with me? 



This will teach you to assert yourselves next time some nut is walking all over you, invalidating you, crush your boundaries or what have you.

[Mutt]

NCEA,

You can learn to stand firm on your boundaries RETROACTIVELY.

Can you tell me what boundaries are?

Well, like all stories I'm sure, it's hard to know where to start.

I guess where we met - in Greece, 3 years ago. I've met her and her friend outside of a vacation house.  We spoke the three of us, and as they are French and are very open sexually, we ended up in sort of a 3some. I slept with her friend, but not with her, she watched us and kissed me, but no sex. At the time she was in a relationship that was falling apart. Years later I'll understand what it meant.

Three years later I'm living in Argentina for a couple of months and post on my FB "who wants to visit me?" . We only wrote each other a few times in these past 3 years but now she wrote that she needs a vacation and "sort of a in a break from the boyfriend" and wanted to come. I said yes.

She came over to visit me and we spent 9 days together and "fell in love". She went back to Europe and started love bombing me, and we went into a long distance relationship.

What were your boundaries when you met your ex?

[Invictus01]

like everyone else, i understand the desire for revenge. the point has been made that this is a person with mental illness you are dealing with, and that revenge is probably fraught with peril, or likely will not bring the justice or self soothing you are seeking; you dont have control over the outcome. we spent most of these relationships trying to control an outcome, over which we had no control. it can seem a difficult pill to swallow, but when radically accepted, can feel incredibly freeing.

The only "outcome" is damage, there is nothing too elaborate here. I was listening to No More Mr. Nice Guy a couple of days ago and to be honest I'm starting to feel that part of the reason most of you don't agree with me is that you're SUCH NICE GUYS, which is the reason you got here in the first place.

You can learn to stand firm on your boundaries RETROACTIVELY.  You've been harmed? HARM BACK. I know, at the time you were hurt and confused and had CD, but now after a few months it's time to get even.

Who's with me? 



This will teach you to assert yourselves next time some nut is walking all over you, invalidating you, crush your boundaries or what have you.

Trying to go on a revenge campaign isn't gonna teach you anything. First of all, if you are dealing with a PD individual, you aren't playing on the even field. What you consider being a "revenge", depending on what flavor of PD you are dealing with, might be considered a fun source of entertainment. And second... .What will help you not to end up in the same position is to learn how you got there in the first place. That's how you not end up back there, not dishing out what you perceive being a " revenge "

[JaneStorm]

like everyone else, i understand the desire for revenge. the point has been made that this is a person with mental illness you are dealing with, and that revenge is probably fraught with peril, or likely will not bring the justice or self soothing you are seeking; you dont have control over the outcome. we spent most of these relationships trying to control an outcome, over which we had no control. it can seem a difficult pill to swallow, but when radically accepted, can feel incredibly freeing.

when a relationship comes to an end (the case for all of us here) the power struggle is over (usually). we are faced with detaching, or not. this is the detaching board. engaging in revenge is not detaching.

in other words, this relationship ended; in a painful and humiliating way that understandably hurt your ego, i understand. ive been there. you can heal from this. but the relationship ended. when i was a senior in high school i had a three month relationship that left me devastated. to this day, i have occasional painful dreams about her, and if i were to try, i can dig up painful thoughts, feelings, and memories. would you recommend i seek revenge or would you remind me that the relationship ended?

you describe this person as a monster, fair enough. if thats the case, you can cut your losses and consider yourself free, she can never hurt you again. shes not your problem anymore.

I needed to read this today. I admit that I unearthed and hoarded some very damning pictures, texts, and emails very early on in the relationship. I held onto them. I had fantasies of using them each time he fire-bombed my heart. He never knew I had them; until last night. I emailed him a not so subtle threat. I don't think I will be hearing from him after I heard his head explode, 40 miles away. I won't expose him. I don't want to hurt him. I needed to burn that bridge (for myself) once and for all. There is no return after the revelation of what I have been sitting on. I will delete all temptations over time. It is so sad that I had to go full nuclear option.

[thisworld]

I think you did the best Janestorm,

Because BPD is not as controlled or collected as a NPD or ASPD, you are lucky if they just relocate but with their impulsivity, they may actually create more difficulties. I sometimes wish my ex was more NPD (he has traits but is also very impulsive) or even ASPD because the negotiation - you do something bad, you have something to lose- sticks with them to a degree. Not always with BPD. My T advises going gray rock for this reason. Even gray rock throws him off balance bad, so I still have to offer some supply and decrease that gradually.

[JaneStorm]

I think you did the best Janestorm,

Because BPD is not as controlled or collected as a NPD or ASPD, you are lucky if they just relocate but with their impulsivity, they may actually create more difficulties. I sometimes wish my ex was more NPD (he has traits but is also very impulsive) or even ASPD because the negotiation - you do something bad, you have something to lose- sticks with them to a degree. Not always with BPD. My T advises going gray rock for this reason. Even gray rock throws him off balance bad, so I still have to offer some supply and decrease that gradually.

Thank you for that. It pains me that he is now in terror of what I will do. I just needed the cycle to stop. He is still soothing (setting up opportunities at least) with other women. Holidays are best for "tell so-and-so I said hi... ." crap and then act the victim when he has to 'block' them from bothering him. Insanity.

What is Gray Rock?

[Schermarhorn]

like everyone else, i understand the desire for revenge. the point has been made that this is a person with mental illness you are dealing with, and that revenge is probably fraught with peril, or likely will not bring the justice or self soothing you are seeking; you dont have control over the outcome. we spent most of these relationships trying to control an outcome, over which we had no control. it can seem a difficult pill to swallow, but when radically accepted, can feel incredibly freeing.

The only "outcome" is damage, there is nothing too elaborate here. I was listening to No More Mr. Nice Guy a couple of days ago and to be honest I'm starting to feel that part of the reason most of you don't agree with me is that you're SUCH NICE GUYS, which is the reason you got here in the first place.

You can learn to stand firm on your boundaries RETROACTIVELY.  You've been harmed? HARM BACK. I know, at the time you were hurt and confused and had CD, but now after a few months it's time to get even.

Who's with me? 



This will teach you to assert yourselves next time some nut is walking all over you, invalidating you, crush your boundaries or what have you.

1. You are most likely going to start a war with someone that can't be beat. Anything you do will be returned ten fold. You aren't talking about a sane sensible person. I urge you to look at what other people have gotten themselves into.

2. Keeping yourself involved is only going to cause you more harm. Why are you continuing to associate yourself with this person?

3. The problem is not with being a nice guy. It is being a nice guy without boundaries. The lesson is not to change our personalities, but it is to establish boundaries. Most of us will now cut off contact once we see we are being mistreated.

[thisworld]

Janestorm,

Gray rock is basically limited communication where you respond (it has simple guidelines on the internet) but in such a dull, nonpersonal way (and always like this) that an ASPD, NPD etc does not get the ego wound and doesn't turn very malignant and replaces you quickly. Hopefully, they'll leave you alone because they think leaving you is alone is what THEY want because you are as dull as a gray rock in the scenery and you provide no supply. Basically, you are too boring for them. (NC is sometimes understood as negative supply or hurts their ego too much). Luckily, these are actually lazy people who don't put much effort when there is nothing to gain. When there isn't much hope of supply, they don't tend to stick around and put effort. If they stick around and are demanding, a well-planned exposure (or a threat as you have done) may be necessary - mostly it doesn't come to that, luckily. It is advisable that you work with a therapist or support group at that stage because sometimes, slow and escalating subtle threats also work etc.

No need to worry though, these are rare cases. They mostly hide a bit, have a couple of attempts (but are working on replacements or smt) and then go away. You did what you thought was necessary for your safety, don't worry about the rest now.

Stay strong. 

[Itstopsnow]

Take it from me. It is best to cut all ties! When I put my ex up on a website that he was already on in 2012. Warning women about his lies, manipulations and cheating, it only kept me more tangled with him and his mother! She even called me telling me I was the love of her sons life and she didn't really know his second girlfriend and she was nothing to him . Whatever they both lie. They live a very stormy messed up life! They will never feel safe or secure with anyone and they can't be alone with themselves and their own thoughts. Their disorder also affects many other areas of their lives. Mind was always in debt, spending too much, saved nothing and developed a gambling addiction the last 7 months we dated . Couldn't hold jobs too long either. No real friendship besides who he dates I guess (uses) and family members . Really getting revenge on someone that pathetic . Why bother? So they can continue to blame you for their life fling badly? Let them blame someone else . They really are their own worse enemies. Nothing you do will add or subtract to the fact that they will never have a real relationship that is honest, trustworthy and fruitful . It sucks I never got my closure from him. But do I need it? He's a pathological liar . Nothing would be true even if he tried to explain. Plus we know what they are. Even if they don't.  I was happy I put up the profile on him so he could read what I thought of him and expose him for a bit. But taking it down made me feel better because it made me let go. Revenge or reengaging in anyway will bring you back into the craziness . Stay away for your own health

[Michelle27]

I understand the temptation to get revenge.  I have thought about it.  But it's not who I am.  I strongly believe in Karma and believe people get what they deserve in the long run.  I am spending my energy healing from the damage of the relationship with a pwBPD and want to be the best version of me I've ever been.  That doesn't jive with exacting revenge. 

In trying to decide which path to take, I also realized what others have said in this thread... .that many of the pwBPD we've dealt with will never have a healthy relationship unless and until they get serious therapy (and as we know, most won't).  That's sad, and in my low moments of thinking about getting revenge, I remember that because of this, they can never truly be happy being themselves and enjoy a genuine loving, reciprocal and giving relationship. 

[NCEA]

Really getting revenge on someone that pathetic. Stay away for your own health

My girl is nothing like that. She has a good job and lives well and simply enjoys playing with her toys. I really think every case is different. I wouldn't do it to anyone, it's a very specific types of girl who , in my opinion, deserves it. And this wouldn't come instead of other types of healing but in addition to it.

I'm about to launch a not for profit website that promotes a good positive cause, I wish I could post here the links. It will be video based and kind of self help + being good to others based. I'm starting a new degree, settled in a new city after years of traveling, only eat organic and work out 3 times a week. I'm also going to start soon CBT , although I'm also contemplating a pshyciatrist, not sure which to take.

It's just a little side hobby, I'm not sure I'll be able to execute what I want but I'll try.

[Fox Mulder]

I sometimes think about getting revenge. Not by hurting her or even interacting with her - I plan to never communicate with her again. But I do want to get even by living well and meeting an amazing new girl while her new relationship goes off the rails and she ends up feeling even more trapped and unhappy than she claimed she was with me.

The problem is that getting to a place where I'm happier than I ever was with her, and meeting someone new and awesome who really loves me, seems like a really difficult thing to achieve - and really unlikely. And her downfall into unhappiness is completely - and rightfully - out of my hands, and judging from what I've seen on her social media (which I peeked at a few times and completely messed myself up, so I've stopped doing it) she's blissfully happy and feeling free and taking part in all the marijuana and alcohol that she wasn't able to with me because I didn't partake in either of those things.

I hear that wanting to get back at a BPD ex is pointless, because they've already got BPD and that's a life sentence of unhappiness. But I don't know. She seems real happy now. She painted me as the worst choice she had ever made and completely got rid of me. Anyone would be delighted to rid themselves of something they hated so passionately...

[Beach_Babe]

I can't speak for your ex, but mine was a sadistic bully. He thrived on pain, and will spend the rest of his life hurting others because he has a disorder. This does not make the abuse we suffered OK. 

[Herodias]

I'm with you Beach Babe- mine is awful! Everything he does is for his own benefit and is very manipulative! I get why people would want revenge. My revenge is getting better and not being with him anymore. It takes time. I'm almost divorced. He still pushes my buttons and I hate it! I know he will be miserable in the future if he isn't already. He's using this having a baby thing for all the attention he can get - he will do the same to this gf and he's not going to quit drinking. Maybe once I'm out there is no more triangle - this is the most humiliating thing to have a husband with a pregnant gf! Why doesn't it look bad to them? At least I know his parents are humiliated too! They will get theirs on their own! I'm convinced!

[Learning_curve74]

I understand they are sick and they didn't choose to be this way. But does that give them a free pass to do what they want? Just steamroll their way through life and sorry for you for being in the way? Should we keep taking the high road and understand, forgive, accept, move on? Just NC? Is that really our only defence? It doesn't seem enough. Some members have been here for years, is that everyone's fate when all they wanted to do was be in a happy relationship? Why should we pay for their sorrows?

When in the early phases of healing, we are hurt and are mostly concentrating on our own pain. We often feel that the BPD ex got off "scot free". They don't get a free pass, they typically keep doing the same dysfunctional things and keep ruining their relationships. A BPD person's greatest fear is being alone and being abandonded, so in effect they create their own misery. Once we heal and move on to lead healthy fulfilling lives of our own, why is that not "enough"? If I'm busy spending my time having a rich, fulfilling, and healthy life, where will I have the extra time and energy to waste on "revenge"? And if I'm in the process of healing, why should I spend time and energy that is important in healing myself towards hurting another person instead?

There are many different people with different ways of living, yet there are some ways that are often non-constructive and even destructive. We should be careful about giving in to our immediate emotions because that is part of what got us to this point in the first place. When we consider our emotions AND involve some considered thought, we can choose the course of action that is in our own best long term interests instead of being emotionally reactive and making rash decisions that may hurt us.

[UVA2002]

Trust me if u seek revenge on a BPD just live well smile and pretend they never exsisted. It's their worst fear and years later they still come back

[Beach_Babe]

  My revenge is getting better and not being with him anymore.

Well said Blue! The cycle will simply repeat. Look how he has already devalued his gf trying to recycle already with you. I really do not understand here, simply because they are mentally ill we cannot call a spade a spade. My ex, for example, is a pathological liar and con artist; he willingly violates the law and enjoys hurting women and torturing animals. My bank accounts were drained when he left and during the relationship was often beaten within an inch of my life. Yet I had people here telling me I had no right to my feelings or "its been x amount of time get over it."   Seriously, how is it healing to further shame someone? I don't know NCEA but clearly the guy has been through hell. Can we,as a group try to exercise perhaps a tad more compassion?

[Fr4nz]

  My revenge is getting better and not being with him anymore.

Well said Blue! The cycle will simply repeat. Look how he has already devalued his gf trying to recycle already with you. I really do not understand here, simply because they are mentally ill we cannot call a spade a spade. My ex, for example, is a pathological liar and con artist; he willingly violates the law and enjoys hurting women and torturing animals. My bank accounts were drained when he left and during the relationship was often beaten within an inch of my life. Yet I had people here telling me I had no right to my feelings or "its been x amount of time get over it."   Seriously, how is it healing to further shame someone? I don't know NCEA but clearly the guy has been through hell. Can we,as a group try to exercise perhaps a tad more compassion?

If he likes to torture animals (can you explain a little bit), then we're talking about an individual who has, most likely, anti-social traits; that's quite different from a "pure" BPD.

[Fr4nz]

I sometimes think about getting revenge. Not by hurting her or even interacting with her - I plan to never communicate with her again. But I do want to get even by living well and meeting an amazing new girl while her new relationship goes off the rails and she ends up feeling even more trapped and unhappy than she claimed she was with me.

The problem is that getting to a place where I'm happier than I ever was with her, and meeting someone new and awesome who really loves me, seems like a really difficult thing to achieve - and really unlikely. And her downfall into unhappiness is completely - and rightfully - out of my hands, and judging from what I've seen on her social media (which I peeked at a few times and completely messed myself up, so I've stopped doing it) she's blissfully happy and feeling free and taking part in all the marijuana and alcohol that she wasn't able to with me because I didn't partake in either of those things.

I hear that wanting to get back at a BPD ex is pointless, because they've already got BPD and that's a life sentence of unhappiness. But I don't know. She seems real happy now. She painted me as the worst choice she had ever made and completely got rid of me. Anyone would be delighted to rid themselves of something they hated so passionately...

FB is just a façade... .who knows what is really going on in their lives and minds.