Not sure what thread...

[DreamerGirl]

I don't know if we are over.  Almost four years together but I'm feeling defeated and like we truly don't have a future together anymore.

Christmas has always been horrible from our first together.  He is always disregulated and I understand that, because I feel the same way.

A month ago he was told to move out of where he had been living, with a close family member.  They had claimed he had caused this person to have a nervous breakdown.  This close family member he had been living with for around 5 years was hospitalized and it was told to him he had to be out of the house before they came home.  He assumed, without asking me, he would move in with me.  He gave me two days notice of this.  I said I didn't want this.  I was loving but firm.  Past experience has taught me this would have been the worse thing for me. 

I found him suitable accommodation without any thanks. He raged and projected his anger on me.  All the anger he felt for his family member, was directed at me.

He even had a punch up with somebody over a work issue, he was out of control.  There was a knife pulled, not from him.  But he could have been killed.  I tried to stay stable and be there for him, through his temper tantrums although he kept blaming me for irrational things.  I knew he was under major stress and he felt like he was floating out in the middle of the ocean.  I tried my best to be his anchor but he was in sabotage mode, full time.  He was angry at me because I hadn't let him move in with me.  He felt rejected.  He blamed me for anything which caused a lot of turmoil between us.

The last few weeks have been so chaotic and messy, it's almost done my mind in.

Loving one moment, then silent treatment and then raging and storming off.  This can all be in the space of one hour or so.  He has been so unpredictable, not that he has ever been predictable now I think about it, but this has been different.

Six days ago, we had spent the day at my fathers place for Christmas lunch.

He had barely spoken to me all day.  I was in a happy mood thoughout all day that I didn't even notice, until we got home.  He was being quiet and I asked him if all was ok.  He said no, when we picked up your daughter and she showed you her Christmas gift from her boyfriend, you raved and you said how lovely her gift was .  You didn't do that with my present to you.  He had more to say but I was saddened he even felt that way and his perception being so different to my actual feelings and what I thought I had portrayed.

I apologized he felt that way, because I loved his diamond earrings he gave me. I told him again how much I loved his present to me.  I think I got stuck into JADE.  I just wanted to make him feel better but the more I tried to explain, the worse he got.

Then he said I just keep triggering his anger.  He said he felt so alone and sad, so abandoned from his family.  He actually had tears in his eyes.

I said can we work this out, he said he wont be changing for some time.  He said "you keep triggering me".  I said I can't keep doing these lows, they are hurting me.  He just got up to leave.  I walked out with him and we hugged good-buy.

I was starting to detach then 3 days later he texted me, such a normal one about how he was dreaming of me, wishing we were snuggling up and stuff like that.  I was so confused.  I thought we had ended it.  What was he thinking or doing... .

I texted him back.  I just said I feel the same way.  I couldn't just act normal and loving and pretend what we talked about hadn't happened.  I don't even know how he could just text something so casual after I thought we had both decided it wasn't going to work.  I thought we had broken up, mutually.

Then he texted me the next day.  Just another normal text.  Like something we have done when things are good.  It confused me as I was geared up for this breakup.  I was detaching.  I feel bad if I don't answer a text, especially to someone I do love.  I kept it simple, I said I hope you have a good day and I also love you.  But it hurts my heart and I feel like he is playing with my emotions.

That was two days ago.  I know him well enough to know he is waiting to hear from me.  But I am frozen.  I can't do the pretend everything is ok anymore.

I love him but unless he is willing to get some therapy then we have no future. 

I think I can walk away.  But my heart is hurting because I am still very in love with him. 

If he never contacts me again, that would be the hardest but the best for me because he is like a drug to me.

But I know I won't be able to stay this strong if he keeps contacting me. 

How do others stay NC?  I cave, every-time.  Does there just come a time when you know you can't go back?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[JohnLove]

I believe there probably does... .and it would be different for everybody. Mine is usually cheating... .but based upon an experience where both my dBPDgf and I endured the repercussions over the last few days.

I would add where your good characther is assassinated in front of family. Where you endure repeated escalating verbal and emotional assaults and false accusations that no matter how much you love them self preservation kicks in at some point and you just can't do it to yourself anymore

As I type this I am at that point.

... .despite the fact that you already developed really thick skin over time and disregard so much but if they continue to make it personal until they hit something sensitive or depraved. All the while telling you, you are the love of their life.

It is SICK.

[livednlearned]

Hi DreamerGirl,

I'm sorry things feel so bleak at the moment. Looking at his situation, his extreme rejection sensitivity is in full swing -- he has been kicked out of the relative's home, and left behind someone in bad emotional and psychological shape. He learns he can't live with you. It's not surprising that he is easily triggered at the moment, especially with the additional stress of his living situation up in the air.

Looking at your situation, it was a healthy boundary to tell him he couldn't live with you. And you asserted that boundary despite his pressure. It sounds like you feel some guilt, even when you're together, and guilt can make JADEing very easy to fall into. Have you tried validating questions with him? I found the questions to be be more effective than straight up validation statements because they bought me some time when I felt my feelings heating up. Plus, the validating questions do a better job of putting the problem-solving skills where they belong.

One of the consistent inconsistencies in someone with BPD is the roller coaster of emotions. Our job is to figure out if we can be the emotional leader in these relationships, regardless of where on the roller coaster our partner is at any given moment. This applies across the entire spectrum of the relationship, whether it feels like it's "on" or "off." Often, the relationship is "off" because that's one way for them to express intense emotions.

For us, we often we make significant decisions about the future of the relationship when we are running on empty. What can you do now to preserve your psychological/emotional health for right now? This will help you get to a better place for making decisions.

I found it was helpful to set up boundaries in advance, when things are "normal," and then, when things devolve, I can call on that boundary. That was an important way to preserve my psychological/emotional health so I could carve out enough strength to fill the shoes of emotional leader.

[DreamerGirl]

Thanks for your replies.

livednlearned you've put this into perspective for me, thank you.  Sometimes it's so hard to separate my feelings of hurt, pain, confusion and anger to see what the best course of action is.

I didn't even realize that I had enforced a boundary by not letting him move in with me.  I just knew at that time there was no way I could do that to myself.  Even when things have been good, he is impossible to live with.  I did feel a lot of guilt and that's why I found him a place to live because i knew he would blame me if he was sleeping in his car and I just wanted to get him settled somewhere as quick as possible.  But as we all know, they don't settle easily.

livednlearned can you give me an example of validating questions? 

[livednlearned]

livednlearned can you give me an example of validating questions?  

These are examples from this article (excerpted from the book You Don't Have to Make Everything All Better): https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=273415.msg12586025#msg12586025

Oh?

How did you feel about that?

What did you do?

And then what did you do?

What would you like to do?

When do you think it could be done?

What do you think the outcome will be?

What do you think might work?

What do you think would work next time?

Are there other options?

What happened?

How did it happen?

Where did it happen?

When did it happen?

What did you think when it happened?

How could you stand that?

How did you stand that?

And then what did you say?

What do you think caused the problem?

What's wrong?

What went wrong?

What was that like?

Did you enjoy that?

Did that hurt your feelings?

What does that mean?

What would you like me to do?

Is there anything I can do to help you?

Would it help if I (name something you can do)?