Cannot let go

[Sirensong21]

trying to let go and finding it impossible ... .the intensity of love he showered me with left me addicted to him and now I'm paralyzed from grief.

[Itstopsnow]

How long were you with him? Are you NC? How long? I'm 60 days today. It is very hard I agree! I feel like I'm back in my knees. I try to balance these thoughts with reality checks! Think about the bad times, the truth of your relationship including any lies, cheating, manipulations, using, raging, tantrums, selfish acts, put downs, rejections and how when it ended how it left you feeling. The longer you go NC it does get easier in a sense, but I feel really bad for about a week now! I think that may be normal people say on here. But at least this time feeling as low as I did at first but I'm able to see reality more clearly without that rose color anymore! I think I cried so much it washed the rose away. Hang in there . I feel that tremendous pain in my heart too, like I can't breathe without him. But then I realize he wasn't a good boyfriend , or even a friend. He was an enemy . Enemies treat you this way. Better to be alone than in bad company

[Sirensong21]

We were together a mere three months ... .but it was an intense three months ... .he told me he loved me before our second date. Brought me flowers with a single lavender rose meaning love at first sight.  That I was his destiny, that we were going to be an epic romance and that he had never connected to anyone so completely in his whole life.  We talked for hours on the phone when we couldn't be together ... .he would drive two hours to take me to dinner.  Make love all night long.  I was brought into his life 100%, introduced to his family and made the new member.  He showered with with a passion I had never known possible.  Constant calls all day long, dinner together every night, wake-up phone calls ... .took me on a family vacation with his children, flew me with him to another state for Christmas ... .until I made some mistakes ... .until the intensity wore me out and started to make me uncomfortable ... .i wish i could go back in time and never have let him down ... .I think about my mistakes day and night ... .he took a week to think about our problems and whether he was going to move to another state ... .he came back from his silence and said he did not see a future for us, that he was going to move and that he wanted a clean break.  His $2,500 guitar is still at my house though, so we will have to deal with that painful exchange.  I was calm at first but then began my on on-slaught of begging for a chance to make it work.  He had told me he was emotionally invested in our relationship and that he wanted to work on the issues.  He said he hadn't seen any progress on my part ... .I believed him and responded that I would sincerely put in the work and that I was sorry for not addressing things sooner.  Now he is just cold and responds with one word texts.

I am seeing a therapist, who identified him as BPD ... .the classic seducer / abuser ... .but I am in such denial and engulfed in emptiness and heartache.  I completely blame myself, he said if I had not made the mistakes that he would have never left me ever... .but that I killed it for him.

[lovenature]

Nothing you could ever do would be enough to change how he truly feels inside if he has BPD; only they can change how they truly feel about themselves with years of therapy, I think the saddest part of BPD is the closer you get to them, the more they push you away.

Best to try and look after yourself; I know how hard it is to stay NC, know that nothing you can say or do will make things better, only more pain awaits you both with trying to rationalize and work things out-a pwBPD makes up their own reality to fit their current emotion of the moment.

[Sirensong21]

He tells me that he cannot sleep and he spends his nights lying in bed in self-loathing.  That he feels connected to me but not in the way he wants to be connected.  That he has strong feelings, but no longer knows what those feelings are.  That he is depressed and lost and cannot see a future.  He doesn't know where he wants to live or where he will feel comfortable.  He recently moved into his brother's home (with his sister-in-law and neice) and that whereas it's a beautiful home he is not comfortable because it is not his. He accuses me of not having my finances in order and of not having my life together, but I have a stable job for nine years and a very low amount of personal debt.  I mentioned this in response and I think that is what set everything into the downward spiral of him rejecting our relationship completely.  But still I know I made mistakes.

I want him back, is that insane? I love him, more than I thought I could love.  i saw his pain from day one and he immediately shared his sad history, and so our romance began.  Passion soaring to the highest highs.  Our minds and bodies in perfect sync, on every level.  We finished each others sentences ... would text the same sentences at the same time.  And of course became one in sexual unions, in perfect synchronicity.  Our connection, multiplied daily in a deep and 'loaded' way ... .both desperate for each other with a hunger so vicious it devoured us both.  I was going to be his savior ... .and then I failed him.  His depression did not find enough relief in my arms, he said he thought I was the answer but that he he feels empty.  I saw that emptiness in his eyes, not always, but often.  He would disconnect.  Such a sadness inside him it tore at my heart and when we would reconnect I once again felt whole.

[Euler2718]

He accuses me of not having my finances in order and of not having my life together, but I have a stable job for nine years and a very low amount of personal debt.  I mentioned this in response and I think that is what set everything into the downward spiral of him rejecting our relationship completely.  But still I know I made mistakes.

I want him back, is that insane?

Yah, if you make a "mistake" like what you said above (I'm not convinced it's a mistake to defend the truth about who you are) in a normal relationship it will cause a "riff", meaning it's over in an hour or a day. How was this supposed to continue? Were you supposed to watch yourself so closely you never made a single "mistake?" Here's a parallel: my exBPDgf got mad at me for looking at a girl leaving the grocery store. I wasn't really leering or anything, actually. After she calmed down she asked me not to look at girls anymore with her around, to avert my eyes. Then we went to dinner at Chili's -- here's the funny thing: I was praying for a male waiter cause I wanted to be safe from making another "mistake".

Also, about it being insane -- maybe it's insane, but everyone here has felt this, so it's normal in that sense.

I had her for a month or so -- it ended after we met my parents (too close), now it's been no contact for over a month. Time helps with wanting them back. Find other things to do and keep going. In a month you'll feel much better.

[simpleman]

Sirensong,

How are you doing today?  I was in the same place 9.5 months ago saying the same things you are and the first thing I will tell you is that it WILL get better if you take advantage of all that is available to you here.  Without the support of everyone here and the info available I don't  know if I could have made it.  And if you can see a therapist that will help so much too.

You mention being addicted.  That is exactly what it feels like.  Your brain chemistry is effected in the same way as if you actually took drugs.  I can remember that pull on me like it was yesterday but it does not have an effect on me now.

I'm curious how much you know about BPD.  That would help me know where to go with giving you advice that may help.  Are you familiar with mirroring?  My exBPDgf mirrored me so perfectly that I bought so hard into the idea of being soulmates, becoming one sexually, etc.  Those are things I would have not beleived in before getting together with her.  I was also a rescuer and that also played into me becoming so hooked.  Now I can look back and see it for what it was.  My ex found another man 3.5 weeks after I left and mirrored him just the same.  I know this because we work together and I saw her transform into a different person with totally different interests than what she had with me.

As others will tell you, the best thing you can do right now is maintain No Contact.  That is soo hard but so right for both of you.  You have got to turn the focus to you and your needs.  If you are like I was you have spent so much time looking out for his needs that you are not even sure what yours are any more.  Go for the basics - take walks, eat well, get sleep, do something you enjoy.  You may not "feel" anything right now from doing those things but if you continue you will.  Hands down the number one thing for me was exercise.

Take care and know that if you put the same effort into taking care of yourself that you did for him you WILL get better.  We're here for you!

[VeraTrue]

SirenSong,

I'm so sorry you are hurting. We here on this forum know only too well what it feels like to be in your shoes, we've all worn them in the past or are wearing them now. It is one of the most profound sorrows I have ever experienced.

If he has BPD, and it certainly sounds like a textbook case, you will get better a lot faster if you stay way from him. Please keep reading on this site. The more you learn how the disorder works, the more you will be able to contextualize what has happened to you. The articles and videos on the bpdfamily site were especially helpful for learning the overarching pattern, and how the disorder plays out. It is vital that you understand it so you can apply that knowledge going forward to keep yourself safe emotionally. You'll be able to map your experience to the descriptions of the disordered relationships. If you look, you will be able to see the stages, the mechanisms, the concepts as they played out in your own life. For example, he's saying you didn't have your life together, but you did. And he had completely taken over your life for three months... .when were you supposed to be focusing on yourself? It doesn't add up. He's taking a natural effect of a situation you both co-created, calling it wrong, blaming you, and acting as though he had nothing to do with it. It is no mistake that this happened just as you were needing some space.

This article helped me a lot:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

All the materials that are pinned at the top of the detaching forum were and are very helpful for me as well.

It may be confusing if he has never been outwardly abusive to you in the traditional, aggressive way we think of when we think "abuse." It may be that this hasn't shown up yet but is where his form of the disorder has him headed. But also, be aware that there are inwardly raging forms of BPD, also termed "quiet." You may want to look at the main types, especially the "waif." What you describe is deeply cruel. Giving you what you thought was love like that and then telling you that you lost it because you weren't perfect enough is a horrible, sadistic thing to do. That isn't love, that is torture. 

I sense you are at extremely high risk for what is called "recycling." This is the break up/make-up cycle and it can take over your life. It will create this same pain over and over again. It is important that you get grounded in yourself right now. Your pain is important too. Your feelings matter. And the idea that you could be his savior is not fair to you. Or him, really, it prevents him from healing himself in an empowered way. Do not confuse relief from terrible feelings with healing from the causes of them. We all have to be our own saviors, it is the only way. To expect an impossible thing from yourself- that you could save him- and then feel like it is your failure that you couldn't... .that is a false paradigm you must rewrite as quickly as possible. Only he can own responsibility for his life and his feelings. To expect otherwise from anyone is abuse.

Take care of yourself as best you can, sirensong. You're in the thick of it but you can make it. The grief will lift. It will. Especially if you love yourself, like literally tell yourself in your head, "I love you, SirenSong." And do loving things for yourself even if you can't even hardly move. You are your own source. Don't think the only way to get away from the pain is if you get him back. You can move this pain. Do you have friends you trust who can support you, maybe some family member that makes you feel safe who you can talk to? Therapy is critically important, and it is wonderful and empowered you are going. I would not have made it a year (no contact anniversary coming up!) without my therapist.

[FannyB]

I am seeing a therapist, who identified him as BPD ... .the classic seducer / abuser ... .but I am in such denial and engulfed in emptiness and heartache.  I completely blame myself, he said if I had not made the mistakes that he would have never left me ever... .but that I killed it for him.

Hi Sirensong

My BPD relationship was very similar to yours - indeed she was so 'perfect' during those initial 6 months that my secret fear was that I would screw up and cause the relationship to fail. When it did finally fracture, she gave me reasons why I had let her down - and there was some truth in it.

However I realised that the issues she raised would not have been enough to derail a healthy relationship and that they were just excuses to cover her exit. If I hadn't done those things then it would have been something else eventually.

I couldn't commit to spending the rest of my life having to be perfect to please her.  It's an extremely stressful existence - and one your ex spared you when he made his excuses and left.   



Fanny

[Sirensong21]

He warned me recently, that if we had one more disagreement it would be very, very, very bad.  He said that he would not hit me but that it would be severe and destructive and that there would be no return from it.  That he didn't want to see that happen.  He mentioned on two other occasions that he would never hit a woman, the first time was on our first date ... .we had not even reached the restaurant we going to for dinner yet. That was my 2nd red flag of the evening.  I thought to myself 'why is this man telling me does not hit women when I never asked him his stance on this?' The first red flag was how bedraggled he looked when he picked me up for our date. And how his face could change from moment to moment, the dead look in his eyes, the plastic shinny smile.  He is good looking beyond compare, tall and handsome with perfect features and intense hazel eyes.  He could stare into my eyes with such depth and just pull me into his soul it would seem.  He would kiss me for hours, slow and passionate with an intensity that bound me to him.  His soft whispers and gentle affection soothed my weary soul. The constant affection and declarations of destined love were so intoxicating to me.  The small thoughtful gifts, he waited on me hand and foot, always asking if I needed anything. Always making plans for a future together. Fast forward from September to December, when he bought us plane tickets to go to his parent's home for Christmas ... .this is when he became despondent and cold during the day yet passionate and tender when we were alone in the guest room at his parents house.  The pulling me in close/ then pushing me far away.  Taking family pictures together with me ... .still talking about our future together ... .decorating the Christmas tree ... .there wasn't another disagreement, either, I had worked on the issues he said bothered him, successfully! Except that addressing these issues required me taking time for myself and not being with him every single night.  This is possibly when he disconnected I suppose, he felt abandoned by me, but I had no idea.  That is where the shock comes from, everything seemed good and moving forward and just like that he pulled the rug out from under my feet.

His last relationship was also stormy ... this is where he told me he went to therapy.  It was a long distance romance with a wealthy, successful woman.  He would drive 8 hours every weekend to Phoenix from California to see her.  He said he was in financial ruin when he met her and that she often accused him of just being there for the ride ... .He said she accused him non-stop of cheating and other things. Despite all this they became engaged and he said the engagement was good for about 10 days and that it did not even last long enough to get the ring sized. He said she became insane and that he had to insist that she either seek help or medication or he was going to leave her. She wanted a pre-nup and he told her to f off. I believe he has a lot of rage just below the surface and that I was indeed lucky to get out before it erupted. It was going to eventually ... .of this I am certain.

And yet still I long and I ache for his return, because the good times, which for us were 96% of the relationship, were the most incredible romantic events of my life. My pain is quite deep and suffocating at the moment, but I am trying to gain perspective and to educate myself on his illness, that deep down inside myself knew was there.

[Keegs17]

Oh you poor love. I completely understand as does everyone here.  You do feel paralysed by grief for quite some time.  I have been NC for two months now and its just started to get better - I'm not crying every day anymore and I'm able to function adequately.  I promise you it gets better, but you absolutely need NC. My ex split me black after our 15 month horrific relationship so I didn't have a choice with NC but he did me the biggest favour.  I am seeing a therapist particularly to learn about codependency and to learn to actually like and prioritise myself again.  I would HIGHLY recommend seeking therapy - it is so incredibly helpful for clarity and an objective viewpoint. I think you will still feel like crap even after the two months of NC are up as there can be so many triggers but you will be able to get through the day and you will be able to readjust your internal compass, so to speak, and it will only get better from there.  I wish you lots of love and care.