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Author Topic: NC pep talk thread  (Read 4558 times)
MapleBob
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« Reply #30 on: January 13, 2016, 12:53:07 PM »

I guess I'm at Day 5. It's weird, I kind of don't miss her at all.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

that's great, maple. Keep it up. You deserve to be happy.

Thanks man, you do too!

I've found that the trick is to find ways that your relationship was limiting your life (time, money, energy, mental expenditures) and reinvest in those areas.
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Anez
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« Reply #31 on: January 13, 2016, 12:57:43 PM »

Yea, totally agree with that thought, Maple.

I've been struggling a little bit the past few days. Letting the good thoughts and fantasy take over at times, tho I'm trying to fight back with the bad thoughts.

I think i'm just running close to empty and will fill back up tomorrow with my weekly therapy session. those always help.
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Anez
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« Reply #32 on: January 13, 2016, 03:15:10 PM »

Having to hear her talk and laugh while she eats lunch in the lounge near my desk - as she's doing now - still hurts a bunch.

Headphones in, podcast on. Tho I hate feeling like I have to do it to avoid something at work.

Pro tip: never hook up with someone from work. Especially someone who is 12 years younger than you and has BPD.

You're welcome!
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Tommytwo

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« Reply #33 on: January 13, 2016, 03:31:15 PM »

Anez & Lonely Asro

I used to work with my exBPDgf. I wonder how common these type of r\s are? I was the manager and although she was promoted I had recused myself from the promotional interviews with the group. Last June, I  moved on to another position to a different location.  While we had been in the non-intimate zone for while, after I left that job I heard from her less and less until she called me and informed our friendship was done. She didn't want "any more ex's" in her life because she wanted to meet more guys
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Anez
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« Reply #34 on: January 13, 2016, 03:51:23 PM »

Ouch, Tommy. Sorry that happened to you.

Working with them is not a lot of fun. I gotta think my recovery would be a lot easier/faster if I didn't see her every day.
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Lonely_Astro
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« Reply #35 on: January 13, 2016, 07:58:43 PM »

Anez & Lonely Asro

I used to work with my exBPDgf. I wonder how common these type of r\s are? I was the manager and although she was promoted I had recused myself from the promotional interviews with the group. Last June, I  moved on to another position to a different location.  While we had been in the non-intimate zone for while, after I left that job I heard from her less and less until she called me and informed our friendship was done. She didn't want "any more ex's" in her life because she wanted to meet more guys

I would guess that a lot of r/s start with co-workers.  My guess is since most BPDs don't really have friends/circles it seems, they find their partners online or at work.  I'm not saying this is 100% the case but it seems like a lot of our r/s start in the workplace. 

I don't regret having a r/s with J.  I wish it had ended up differently.  I also wish I could call her 'friend' because I do miss aspects of her (not just sexual aspects, either). 

Yeah, it's been a rough day for me at work.  Something happened this morning and it's had me off kilter all day.
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Rmbrworst
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« Reply #36 on: January 13, 2016, 08:54:29 PM »

Just came here to say hello to you guys.

I am on 2.5 weeks of no contact exactly, and I'm feeling much better today.  It's given me some clarity and some time to think.  Even though I may regress a few times, today is the first day I woke up without crying, and the first day I realized "There's a light at the end of the tunnel."

By 4 weeks, I think I'm going to feel like a completely different person.

Most importantly, this  has been a time to focus on MYSELF.  Today I didn't spend one second of time fretting over my BPD ex.  Instead, I focused on myself and focused on what I am going to do in the future so that I do not allow this to happen.  I've been thinking about boundaries quite a lot.  Most of us (probably all of us) are in this situation because we did put into position boundaries, and if we had them, we didn't respect them.

Wishing you all the best, and it does get better.  I am nowhere near 100, but then again, I am nowhere near the absolute wreck I was 2 weeks ago.

Being discarded is a painful experience that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

We will get there.   Be strong.

Much love.
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Anez
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« Reply #37 on: January 13, 2016, 09:00:36 PM »

Just came here to say hello to you guys.

I am on 2.5 weeks of no contact exactly, and I'm feeling much better today.  It's given me some clarity and some time to think.  Even though I may regress a few times, today is the first day I woke up without crying, and the first day I realized "There's a light at the end of the tunnel."

By 4 weeks, I think I'm going to feel like a completely different person.

Most importantly, this  has been a time to focus on MYSELF.  Today I didn't spend one second of time fretting over my BPD ex.  Instead, I focused on myself and focused on what I am going to do in the future so that I do not allow this to happen.  I've been thinking about boundaries quite a lot.  Most of us (probably all of us) are in this situation because we did put into position boundaries, and if we had them, we didn't respect them.

Wishing you all the best, and it does get better.  I am nowhere near 100, but then again, I am nowhere near the absolute wreck I was 2 weeks ago.

Being discarded is a painful experience that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

We will get there.   Be strong.

Much love.

That's awesome, man. Glad you woke up feeling good and carried that into the rest of your day. That must have felt really good to have a day like that. You deserve it.

Here's to many more days like that!
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Rmbrworst
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« Reply #38 on: January 13, 2016, 09:05:36 PM »

Thanks Anez!  

Stay strong my friend.  No contact DOES WORK.  

We got this.

I'll post here often to see how u guys are doing.
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Anez
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« Reply #39 on: January 13, 2016, 09:11:50 PM »

Yup NC is good. I just hurt a little by seeing her everyday at work. Makes no contact tough because I want to be cordial.

Not sure if you saw my post from earlier but I was leaving kitchen at work this morning as she was walking in and I didn't say anything - just put my hand up in the air and we high fived each other, laughed, and each kept walking.

I can't wait to see what my therapist has to say about that tomorrow!
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Rmbrworst
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« Reply #40 on: January 13, 2016, 09:15:43 PM »

It kicked back in the "I miss her and want her back" thoughts. I came back to my desk and wondered what she thought of the moment.

Just reading now . . .

Oof that's a rough feeling. For me, I think it's healthier not to worry about what my ex BPD is thinking at all, because it causes useless anxiety and stress. 

However, that's going to be really damn hard working with her.  I dunno man, I think yes talk to your therapist and let him/her know how it affected you so you can talk through it. 

Hope it didnt push you far back into your recovery.  Focus on you my friend.

Much love.
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Anez
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« Reply #41 on: January 13, 2016, 09:25:17 PM »

Yup gotta turn the focus back on me. I've slipped the last few days but thankfully no real damage.

Looking forward to seeing my therapist tomorrow. He's been a godsend.

Stay strong!
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homefree
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« Reply #42 on: January 13, 2016, 10:36:38 PM »

Almost 2 months NC.

I have had the same feeling now for several days, maybe a week.

My ex is having an amazing time with her new guy and I'm left in this cold winter trying to rebuild my life, feeling like a worthless man wandering an empty city.

It is an illusion. Her amazing life and my empty world. I know this, but I can't shake this feeling of amazing life/ worthless life with how things are now.

It's crushing.

I'm trying to heal. I'm trying to rebuild my self esteem and sense of worth. I'm trying to fix my very old causes of love addiction. I'm waking up and trying to figure out the life I want to lead and what I truly care about, really for the first time. It's a long road with a lot of work ahead of me.

All while she's having the time of her life with an amazing new guy who fits everything she said she wanted.

For the life of me it feels like the only thing that will stop this sense of emptiness is being in the arms of another woman.

I find myself working towards that end, and I even get the sense that would be possible in the short term.

But isn't that exactly what she is doing? Has done her whole life?

I just want to feel something other than this. At a certain point I don't care if helps or not. I just want an escape, even for a night.

My god this must be how she feels.

Am I becoming her?

So ___ing empty right now.

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Anez
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« Reply #43 on: January 13, 2016, 10:48:13 PM »

Homefree:

I know how you feel and I'm sorry you're feeling this way. It can be tough feeling alone but you're not. We're all here for ya.

You're working on yourself and looking for what you truly care about. That's so f****** commendable. You're putting in the work. The real work. It will payoff.

It might not feel that way now, I know. These lows can be low. But just get through it and pat yourself on the back for doing what you're doing.

It's going to get so much better.
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NCEA
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« Reply #44 on: January 14, 2016, 12:08:29 AM »

This thread should not have a length limit and should be allowed to keep going endlessly because NC is the bread and butter of healing. I always scan for "NC" in the thread names, looking to be encouraged with it.

I'm NC 94. I can't tell you how much better I feel like. I'm 50% my old self which to an outsider would be really bad for you guys I'm sure you know what a great progress it is.

CD is practically gone, other than for a few moments every now and again. Acceptance is complete and I'm not in love with her anymore which I think is a huge step. Still angry at times but less and less. I'm keeping really busy with a new study program.

It gets better with every passing day. Do not break NC at any cost. Set yourselves goals like 50 and 90 days and then keep extending them... .Never meet them again, that would be the worse.

You WILL meet someone else and one year from now you ex will be nothing but a memory.
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Rmbrworst
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« Reply #45 on: January 14, 2016, 12:15:58 AM »

This thread should not have a length limit and should be allowed to keep going endlessly because NC is the bread and butter of healing. I always scan for "NC" in the thread names, looking to be encouraged with it.

I'm NC 94. I can't tell you how much better I feel like. I'm 50% my old self which to an outsider would be really bad for you guys I'm sure you know what a great progress it is.

CD is practically gone, other than for a few moments every now and again. Acceptance is complete and I'm not in love with her anymore which I think is a huge step. Still angry at times but less and less. I'm keeping really busy with a new study program.

It gets better with every passing day. Do not break NC at any cost. Set yourselves goals like 50 and 90 days and then keep extending them... .Never meet them again, that would be the worse.

You WILL meet someone else and one year from now you ex will be nothing but a memory.

This was a nice message to end the day with.  Can't wait to get to where you are,  but remaining out of contact will get me there soon.  I can already feel the positive effects.

Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post) Homefree

Listen to the logic you displayed.  It's all a facade.  Your life is not empty, and her life probably is.  However, I think most importantly is ... .if her life is so amazing, who cares?  We gotta get you feeling better, so you can truly let go, and start focusing on yourself.

It's really hard to let go and we are all different, but I truly believe it gets better once you center back on yourself.  I hope you pull through.  The depression won't last forever.  Talk it out with a pro if you can.
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Anez
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« Reply #46 on: January 14, 2016, 12:16:46 AM »

That's awesome, NCEA. Good work! And thanks for weighing in with your progress. That will help us all as we push forward.

I see mine at work every day but very briefly and I'm cordial, so it's not technically NC but it's the best I can do under the circumstances. It makes my recovery more challenging but I'm 8 days into not reaching out via text. It's a hello, what's up at work and that's it.

I'm working hard through therapy each week to figure out what drew me down this path and I'm being more open with people about my emotions and feelings, which is a lot of good coming out of a crappy situation.

Keep up the good work, NCEA!
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NCEA
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« Reply #47 on: January 14, 2016, 12:24:01 AM »

Exactly.

The day after my discard I sent her a kind email saying it was good it's over and that friendships are hard to make and that in a few months we could be friends. She was so happy and thanked me and said she couldn't wait.

It felt awful for me later thinking that I was that forgiving and kind to an emotional monster and when a week later she wrote me I used that opportunity to flip it on her. Wrote her a long email about "red lights" (didn't know they were called flags!) and that I think she might have a disorder. It was still a very kind loving email but still... .Much closer to the truth of things.

Soon after establishing NC I realized that being a friend would be a reward and encouragement. Hell no. I'm going to be that one guy she couldn't friend zoned.

I do plan to break NC once, on her next birthday, in May. She's going to get a 6 page document detailing her condition with examples for each red flag.  I'm going to call it "the gift of self knowledge". After that she'll never want to hear from me again anyway.


My therapist said something last week that made a lot of sense. I had been texting her every now and then and getting nice responses from her.

My T said, do you know what she gets out of those texts? And I said no. And he said it allows her to push me into the friend zone and it allows her to feel like she has been forgiven for all the bad stuff she has done. So by me reaching out I'm making her feel better while making me feel worse, which is far from ideal for me.

So the texting is done. the reaching out is done. This is her loss.

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Anez
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« Reply #48 on: January 14, 2016, 09:29:35 AM »

I woke up with the thought of wanting to ask her this "we used to be so close and now we're nothing. I just wanted to know, do you even miss me?"

I won't ask her that, of course, but I feel better getting it off my chest here.
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C.Stein
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« Reply #49 on: January 14, 2016, 09:40:51 AM »

I woke up with the thought of wanting to ask her this "we used to be so close and now we're nothing. I just wanted to know, do you even miss me?"

I won't ask her that, of course, but I feel better getting it off my chest here.

Isn't that the burning question, especially when you have been coldly thrown away like a piece of trash.
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Anez
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« Reply #50 on: January 14, 2016, 09:59:47 AM »

Yup and the answer would hurt either way.
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C.Stein
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« Reply #51 on: January 14, 2016, 10:37:14 AM »

Yup and the answer would hurt either way.

It would, but it would be nice to know we were something more than a disposable object.
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NCEA
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« Reply #52 on: January 14, 2016, 12:04:02 PM »

I know that mine misses me as a fact. Who knows, she might be single again, or akready open for cheating on whoever she's with.  But if we can't be together in the same bed holding each other... .(Because she's toxic and I'd never would get into it again) Then what's the point? Part of me wants to send a nasty email, make her hate me, to burn that bridge to the ground.
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Anez
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« Reply #53 on: January 14, 2016, 01:08:50 PM »

This is kind of depressing at times but I still love it. An untitled song by pearl jam which is more like a spoken word story by eddie vedder. It's about a break up.

i love this line:

"Never thought I'd curse the day I met her. And since she's gone and wouldn't hear. who would care? what good would that do? But I'm still here."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=THD-U1B-Jtc

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bellacopia

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« Reply #54 on: January 14, 2016, 02:50:00 PM »

I miss a friendship with her.  I'm not interested in getting back with her, but I want that connection back.  [... .] I miss our talks more than anything.  Not the romantic stuff, just sharing stuff with her. 

This is also my difficulty. I miss our friendship, the intellectual connection.
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Anez
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« Reply #55 on: January 14, 2016, 03:25:34 PM »

Just passed her as she was eating lunch in the lounge near my desk. I sat down and thought how crazy life is - in late august we spent a weekend away together in palm springs and laughed the whole time. the next week she brought some stuff over to my house to keep there. And now we barely say hello when i pass by - this time we didn't, she's laughing it up with friends.

I really want to sit down with her and have a casual conversation about how everything fell apart - no attacking or anything, just two adults talking. but that is never gonna happen. We don't get answers from them, we get to figure them out on our own.

I wish they'd move the lounge away from my area!
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NCEA
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« Reply #56 on: January 14, 2016, 05:22:38 PM »

Can you change jobs?

It's going to be real hard... .It's different for women, they get hit on all the time, they can replace us like we replace socks. 
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Anez
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« Reply #57 on: January 14, 2016, 05:41:26 PM »

Unfortunately can't change jobs at the moment. I love my job and it's unique and hard to change. Just gotta battle through it.
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Brab

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« Reply #58 on: January 14, 2016, 06:02:24 PM »

Just thought I'd weigh in here on this great thread as well as support my new virtual friends... .

Aside from a chance meeting with my ex two weeks ago, I've been nc since we broke up 7 weeks ago. I was simply discarded in a very abrupt and ice cold manner. I'm not aware of any lies other than ones of omission where the truth or truths were fed to me very slowly and I doubt in full. I'm not aware of or suspect any infidelity and I believe I've been replaced by a group of her girlfriends whom she is currently idealising.

That said, perhaps it's easier for me to take the position that I have. I am committed to nc; I've held fast through the holidays and intend to keep going through V Day, her B Day in Feb and all that malarky. As and when our paths cross or she makes contact, I will be polite and friendly however, I have no intention of being her friend. How could I be? I don't even know who she is and I just see that the same as betting into your hand when you're beat on the board. There's nothing in it for me... .

I feel some peace for two nights in a row now and I'm so grateful. If I had to say what I'm doing differently that perhaps has yielded this result is that I'm trying very hard to find compassion and forgiveness for her. I stopped of at my church and lit some candles for her and said a prayer for her peace and happiness. I believe these people are very unwell and although they don't seem to show it, I'm starting to realise they suffer on a whole different level and not as visible as ours is... .

It's nigh on impossible not to take the ice cold discard personally but I'm starting to realise it had absolutely nothing to do with me or anything I did or didn't do in the r/s... .it was ALWAYS the end game. Perhaps with copious amounts of therapy, endless patience compromise and incredible pain it MIGHT be sustainable... .for a period of time. I don't know about anyone else but that just doesn't sound like much fun to me... .

I believe our suffering is much more acute and obvious and we must take some immediate actions in order to heal. I think nc is the best way forward but this takes tremendous strength and resolve, at least for me it does but some understanding, compassion and forgiveness seems to be helping as well as giving me some peace... .

Hang in there everyone... .this will pass, we don't know when but one day the pain will go... .
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kc sunshine
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« Reply #59 on: January 14, 2016, 10:12:54 PM »

Hi gang, I'm here too. I've been LC rather than NC so far, but heading into a personal 7 day NC challenge. One day at a time.
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