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Author Topic: NC pep talk thread  (Read 4557 times)
Anez
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« on: January 11, 2016, 07:46:07 PM »

I'm 6 days NC - except for quick hellos at work as we work in the same office - and I know from working with my therapist that this is the right path for me. She broke it off in sept and we've been texting off and on the past month or so, all initiated by me.

Anyways, we all know NC can be tough. The past few hours I've had some thoughts of how I miss her. So instead of keeping those thoughts in or, even worse, texting her I'm here asking that we all help each other when we have these moments in NC.

Need to vent about how hard NC can be? Sound off here. Want to just get stuff off your chest? Do it here. Want to offer words of encouragement? Do it here!

These thoughts I have now will pass. Just posting this helps.

We can all do this!
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Rmbrworst
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« Reply #1 on: January 11, 2016, 08:47:57 PM »

NC is really hard, especially if you see her in the office. 

I agree that coming here is a good idea.  Right now I don't have a huge desire to contact him, but I know sooner or later I will get the urge.

Mostly because I miss sharing things with him.  I will see stuff he likes and I want to take pics and share ... ., the urge is so strong.  It's not even wanting to get back together ... .it's just missing that fun interaction we once had.

I have told my friends about my struggles, and they have told me to call or text them to share things instead of him.  I guess that makes them a replacement, which is maybe not good ... .but it's better than contacting someone who has hurt me and left me high and dry.

Stay strong, focus on yourself, and focus on friends and family that you love.  This place is a god send.  I'm doing much better after I've found this resource
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Anez
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« Reply #2 on: January 11, 2016, 08:54:03 PM »

Totally get the just wanting to share photos and stuff she likes that we used to joke around about. It's like she's dead now but I see her or hear her from time to time at work.

But my mindset is changing each day. Getting stronger. Slowly. But it's happening.
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Anez
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« Reply #3 on: January 12, 2016, 11:08:31 AM »

Day 7. Here we go. Sure, I say quick hellos at work but that's it. Nothing like before. No texts at night. Staying strong and focused.

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AmIReadyForThis

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« Reply #4 on: January 12, 2016, 11:25:05 AM »

I commend you Anez. I went NC for a few weeks and it was very difficult. I couldn't imagine working in the same office as my ex.

Some days are surprisingly easy, others are paaaaainful. I had survived my NC period, and we are actually talking and hanging out again. I know things don't always work out in that way, and I may have been lucky my NC lasted only a few weeks.

Stay strong my friend. We are all here for you, even if you just need to vent and release your thoughts/feelings.
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Anez
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« Reply #5 on: January 12, 2016, 11:34:57 AM »

Thanks, AmIReady.

I just randomly looked out my window from my office and saw her walking into our building from the parking garage. What timing. And I had THOSE FEELINGS again.

man, I hate this. back to repeating my mantra.

I swear my recovery would be so much better if i didn't have to see her every day but there's nothing I can do about that. I'm not leaving my great job over her.

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AmIReadyForThis

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« Reply #6 on: January 12, 2016, 11:39:31 AM »

You shouldn't have to leave the great job just because of her.

Things will get easier! Is it possible to move your desk in a way that doesn't easily allow you to look out the window? Could be a small step in taking that potential of seeing her "out the window" (pun intended).
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Anez
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« Reply #7 on: January 12, 2016, 11:47:19 AM »

Yea, I never really see her from my window. today was just random. I do get to see and hear here when she eats her lunch in the lounge that is right by my desk ... .which is just awesome.

but I gotta battle the fantasy memories with the real memories. she hurt me really badly and threw me away. and it's her loss.
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Lonely_Astro
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« Reply #8 on: January 12, 2016, 12:15:14 PM »

NC is really hard, especially if you see her in the office. 

I agree that coming here is a good idea.  Right now I don't have a huge desire to contact him, but I know sooner or later I will get the urge.

Mostly because I miss sharing things with him.  I will see stuff he likes and I want to take pics and share ... ., the urge is so strong.  It's not even wanting to get back together ... .it's just missing that fun interaction we once had.

I have told my friends about my struggles, and they have told me to call or text them to share things instead of him.  I guess that makes them a replacement, which is maybe not good ... .but it's better than contacting someone who has hurt me and left me high and dry.

Stay strong, focus on yourself, and focus on friends and family that you love.  This place is a god send.  I'm doing much better after I've found this resource

I miss a friendship with her.  I'm not interested in getting back with her, but I want that connection back.  Like Anez, I work with mine.  I heard a song where I was having lunch that is in her genre of choice and I instantly thought of her.  I miss our talks more than anything.  Not the romantic stuff, just sharing stuff with her. 

I'm the one who forced a NC (or at the very least extreme LC because of work) order for 2 months.  I figured it was the best plan for me.  It wasn't meant as punishment but I have moments of weakness where I want to talk to her.  I know I can't because the wounds are still fresh.  I realize that NC isn't hard line, it's ok if I "step back".  Like I said, I don't want a romantic r/s with her again... .far far to much has happened for that to be possible.  But I do want to talk to her. I want to check on her.  I want to just be there with her, as foreign as it may sound.  We have been NC/ELC for almost 2 weeks now. 

It's hard.  Today's been really hard for me.
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Anez
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« Reply #9 on: January 12, 2016, 12:44:49 PM »

My therapist said something last week that made a lot of sense. I had been texting her every now and then and getting nice responses from her.

My T said, do you know what she gets out of those texts? And I said no. And he said it allows her to push me into the friend zone and it allows her to feel like she has been forgiven for all the bad stuff she has done. So by me reaching out I'm making her feel better while making me feel worse, which is far from ideal for me.

So the texting is done. the reaching out is done. This is her loss.
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Lonely_Astro
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« Reply #10 on: January 12, 2016, 12:59:30 PM »

My therapist said something last week that made a lot of sense. I had been texting her every now and then and getting nice responses from her.

My T said, do you know what she gets out of those texts? And I said no. And he said it allows her to push me into the friend zone and it allows her to feel like she has been forgiven for all the bad stuff she has done. So by me reaching out I'm making her feel better while making me feel worse, which is far from ideal for me.

So the texting is done. the reaching out is done. This is her loss.

That's the only reason why I don't reach out.  It 'tells' her that I'm ok with what she did and that I'm ok being treated like a dog.  Well, worse than a dog really.
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kc sunshine
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« Reply #11 on: January 12, 2016, 01:57:46 PM »

With you guys! I'm on day 4 basically. Though I'm not counting non-interactive interactions Smiling (click to insert in post).

Your t's words about what the texts give her are great Anez-- I'll remember that.

For me NC/very LC is about taking myself out of harm's way. Every time we talk she makes these little devaluing digs at me. Who needs that? Not me. She pushed me down the self-esteem mountain and I've got to climb back up it. 
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Rmbrworst
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« Reply #12 on: January 12, 2016, 05:10:15 PM »

I am at 2 weeks and a few days of no contact.

However, one thing that has also been hard for me, is resisting the urge to contact his family and friends.  Is anybody else going through this?  

I have been so close to texting his best friend and asking things like "Is he okay?  Has he gotten therapy?"  etc etc etc,  but I know this behavior is not acceptable, and will not bring any closure.  It will just extend things and make it worse.  Most likely, his friends will tell him about the exchange, and it will just be more "evidence" to him that I'm insane and he was right for abandoning me.  

Having a hard day today.  It takes me hours to start feeling normal . . . something about waking up each morning just resets all the hard work I've done through out the day.  

I am staying no contact, but I have been so close to contacting people he knows.  I dont know why . . .

Much love.  I really feel for everyone here
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Anez
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« Reply #13 on: January 12, 2016, 05:21:02 PM »



Rmbrworst:

You're not alone. I know how you feel. I have long stretches of good then I come back to work on a monday or tuesday and see her and go through some moments where my work on myself is ruined. But it isn't, it's ok to have emotions. they meant something to us.

Maybe in the morning you wake up and instantly put on some of your favorite music or something to get things off to a good start. or go workout, or have a good breakfast. I know how hard it is to get your mind off of them. It can be brutal sometimes. But just try your best to focus on the bad of the relationship, not just the fantasy.

And I'd suggest not reaching out to his friends for the reasons you gave. Just put it down here if you want.

Are you seeing a therapist at all? I've been having weekly sessions and it's helping. every little thing helps.

Take care of yourself and holler if you need anything.

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Rmbrworst
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« Reply #14 on: January 12, 2016, 05:28:28 PM »

Thanks so much Anez.

I am scheduled to see a therapist but not until next week.  I am confident the therapy will help.  This relationship has uncovered some emotional issues I have had since a child, and now is the time to focus on myself, and focus on what I'm going to do to set boundaries for myself, and stop associating painful relationships with love.

I will never contact his friends, but I just wish he had someone to help him and get him in therapy.  His current boyfriend (these people are NEVER single I am learning . . . ) is terrible for him as he constantly validates his AWFUL behavior!

When he broke up with me, his ex called me and talked to me about what happened. Apparently he was carrying on a relationship with his ex THE WHOLE TIME behind my back and neither of us knew!

The ex's response should have been "Omg , I'm breaking up with him!  I cant believe he emotionally and physically cheated on me for 6 months."

No his answer was "Well I'm sorry this happened to you, but I'll never let go of him because I love him too much.  I guess I just have to communicate better with him so he doesn't do this to me."

wow okay . .

Well I refuse to end up like that!  We have to respect ourselves more!

Thanks again Anez, just talking makes it better.  Stay strong and stay no contact.  Focus on yourself my friend.
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Anez
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« Reply #15 on: January 12, 2016, 05:47:53 PM »

Thanks so much Anez.

I am scheduled to see a therapist but not until next week.  I am confident the therapy will help.  This relationship has uncovered some emotional issues I have had since a child, and now is the time to focus on myself, and focus on what I'm going to do to set boundaries for myself, and stop associating painful relationships with love.

I will never contact his friends, but I just wish he had someone to help him and get him in therapy.  His current boyfriend (these people are NEVER single I am learning . . . ) is terrible for him as he constantly validates his AWFUL behavior!

When he broke up with me, his ex called me and talked to me about what happened. Apparently he was carrying on a relationship with his ex THE WHOLE TIME behind my back and neither of us knew!

The ex's response should have been "Omg , I'm breaking up with him!  I cant believe he emotionally and physically cheated on me for 6 months."

No his answer was "Well I'm sorry this happened to you, but I'll never let go of him because I love him too much.  I guess I just have to communicate better with him so he doesn't do this to me."

wow okay . .

Well I refuse to end up like that!  We have to respect ourselves more!

Thanks again Anez, just talking makes it better.  Stay strong and stay no contact.  Focus on yourself my friend.

Well we all know how that relationship will end up!

I know it's hard to see at times - it is for me - but it sounds like that guy wasn't right for you longterm, if he's gonna do all of that. focus on the bad. When a good memory comes up, follow it up with a bad one.

Therapy will be good for you. Mine knows a lot about BPD and it's very helping. I'm not over the r/s yet but I've seen some small steps that have helped. Don't beat yourself up and just have faith in time and space.

I'm going to the gym, eating better, and I'm gonna try something i've always wanted to try - i'm gonna take a standup comedy class that ends with a 5 minute performance at a real club. I'm nervous as hell to do it but no better time to step out of your comfort zone and learn more about yourself than right now.

take care of yourself and always sound off here. We're all here for ya.
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VitaminC
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« Reply #16 on: January 12, 2016, 06:41:46 PM »

My therapist said something last week that made a lot of sense. I had been texting her every now and then and getting nice responses from her.

My T said, do you know what she gets out of those texts? And I said no. And he said it allows her to push me into the friend zone and it allows her to feel like she has been forgiven for all the bad stuff she has done. So by me reaching out I'm making her feel better while making me feel worse, which is far from ideal for me.

So the texting is done. the reaching out is done. This is her loss.

Oh, jeez, of course! I've been friendly to mine as well - because I've done the homework and can handle it. I'm testing myself - its been two weeks.  I must be nuts.

But yea, he reaches out " I can't think. I haven't left the house in three days. Im alone"

And I say " well, in busy now". [ pause, silence from other end ]

I say " I can  meet you for a quick tea later "

Then I suggest a time & place and impatiently say " well? Yes or no? I've stuff to do"

" OK " he says, using his pathetic voice.

All ridiculous.  Didn't really affect me much, and I noted how there was not even a moment of curiosity or, god forbid, concern for my emotional support well- being.  Just like with a small child, really.

But yea, the real kick is that while I put myself in danger, he  continues to spin around in his own world and imagine he is blameless. Obviously, I mean, if he were so bad and not right in all the things he said and did, I would hardly be able to look at him, right?

Yes, I'm teaching him a lesson alright. The same one his deluded and protective mother has taught him - he's fine, other people are the problem.

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Anez
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« Reply #17 on: January 12, 2016, 11:18:32 PM »

I still look at my phone at night to see if she texted me full well knowing that she's not gonna and that she's not good for me.

Man, how lame is that!
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Rmbrworst
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« Reply #18 on: January 12, 2016, 11:25:37 PM »

I still look at my phone at night to see if she texted me full well knowing that she's not gonna and that she's not good for me.

Man, how lame is that!

Dont worry, I do the same thing.  It's largely from habit.  We texted each other good morning, and good night, and we updated each other with our day constantly.

Tonight, I'm going to bed early and tucking the phone away. 

Constant connection makes this stuff even harder.  Breaking up now is so different than when I was younger.  Was a much easier process to go NC.

Much love
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kc sunshine
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« Reply #19 on: January 12, 2016, 11:25:44 PM »

I totally do this do. Dang.

If they are vindictive & punishing (like it's beginning to dawn on me that mine is), then each text/no text chance is another chance to discard & reject you. Ugh.

I still look at my phone at night to see if she texted me full well knowing that she's not gonna and that she's not good for me.

Man, how lame is that!

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Anez
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« Reply #20 on: January 12, 2016, 11:28:52 PM »

We used to text all day/night and say goodnight every night. She hasn't initiated texting since October. But yet I still look.

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Anez
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« Reply #21 on: January 13, 2016, 10:26:43 AM »

Day 8. here we go!
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Scopikaz
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« Reply #22 on: January 13, 2016, 10:35:12 AM »

As I've said before too I can't go over three days without texting her. We supposedly are going to a concert end of this month. A musical middle of next month. And another concert in March. She agreed to these. And I suspect it's only unless she has a solid replacement by then. I sort of think she's finding it more difficult to meet someone good.  Anyhow. For me it would be great to never contact her again. But even if she doesn't reach out to me I fear/know I will to her as they get closer.
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Anez
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« Reply #23 on: January 13, 2016, 12:00:34 PM »

Well ... .something weird just happened. I'm leaving the kitchen at work after getting some tea. and she turns the corner and we just put our hands up and high-fived and laughed and kept walking.

what a bizarre moment.
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kc sunshine
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« Reply #24 on: January 13, 2016, 12:18:34 PM »

Whoa, strange! Hopefully good though. How did you feel afterwards?

Starting day 5 for me, though it's really LC, not NC. She called on Monday and in response I texted her back on Tuesday. She waited until the evening to reply (a short, BIFF reply), and in response I texted her back an even shorter BIFF. Maybe we're trickling down our contact, drying it up.

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Anez
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« Reply #25 on: January 13, 2016, 12:26:11 PM »

It kicked back in the "I miss her and want her back" thoughts. I came back to my desk and wondered what she thought of the moment.

such a silly thing to happen but that's how we were. it was actually kind of a nice moment.

i hate all of this stuff!
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kc sunshine
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« Reply #26 on: January 13, 2016, 12:31:13 PM »

I know! The good interactions are bad for us and the bad ones hurt too! Can't win! (except by getting stronger, more detached!)

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MapleBob
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« Reply #27 on: January 13, 2016, 12:34:00 PM »

I guess I'm at Day 5. It's weird, I kind of don't miss her at all.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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Anez
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« Reply #28 on: January 13, 2016, 12:43:18 PM »

I know! The good interactions are bad for us and the bad ones hurt too! Can't win! (except by getting stronger, more detached!)

yea, it might have reinforced to her that what she did was ok and that I'm not really upset at her for all she did to me. or maybe not. Who knows with BPD.

It was just a moment that I wasn't expecting. We haven't talked in 8 days and I didn't just want to ignore her or just offer some quiet hello. I still want to show her that i'm ok and i am strong so i just put my hand up in the air and she hit and let out a good chuckle and we kept walking in our different directions.

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Anez
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« Reply #29 on: January 13, 2016, 12:43:45 PM »

I guess I'm at Day 5. It's weird, I kind of don't miss her at all.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

that's great, maple. Keep it up. You deserve to be happy.
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MapleBob
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« Reply #30 on: January 13, 2016, 12:53:07 PM »

I guess I'm at Day 5. It's weird, I kind of don't miss her at all.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

that's great, maple. Keep it up. You deserve to be happy.

Thanks man, you do too!

I've found that the trick is to find ways that your relationship was limiting your life (time, money, energy, mental expenditures) and reinvest in those areas.
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Anez
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« Reply #31 on: January 13, 2016, 12:57:43 PM »

Yea, totally agree with that thought, Maple.

I've been struggling a little bit the past few days. Letting the good thoughts and fantasy take over at times, tho I'm trying to fight back with the bad thoughts.

I think i'm just running close to empty and will fill back up tomorrow with my weekly therapy session. those always help.
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Anez
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« Reply #32 on: January 13, 2016, 03:15:10 PM »

Having to hear her talk and laugh while she eats lunch in the lounge near my desk - as she's doing now - still hurts a bunch.

Headphones in, podcast on. Tho I hate feeling like I have to do it to avoid something at work.

Pro tip: never hook up with someone from work. Especially someone who is 12 years younger than you and has BPD.

You're welcome!
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Tommytwo

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« Reply #33 on: January 13, 2016, 03:31:15 PM »

Anez & Lonely Asro

I used to work with my exBPDgf. I wonder how common these type of r\s are? I was the manager and although she was promoted I had recused myself from the promotional interviews with the group. Last June, I  moved on to another position to a different location.  While we had been in the non-intimate zone for while, after I left that job I heard from her less and less until she called me and informed our friendship was done. She didn't want "any more ex's" in her life because she wanted to meet more guys
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Anez
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« Reply #34 on: January 13, 2016, 03:51:23 PM »

Ouch, Tommy. Sorry that happened to you.

Working with them is not a lot of fun. I gotta think my recovery would be a lot easier/faster if I didn't see her every day.
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Lonely_Astro
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« Reply #35 on: January 13, 2016, 07:58:43 PM »

Anez & Lonely Asro

I used to work with my exBPDgf. I wonder how common these type of r\s are? I was the manager and although she was promoted I had recused myself from the promotional interviews with the group. Last June, I  moved on to another position to a different location.  While we had been in the non-intimate zone for while, after I left that job I heard from her less and less until she called me and informed our friendship was done. She didn't want "any more ex's" in her life because she wanted to meet more guys

I would guess that a lot of r/s start with co-workers.  My guess is since most BPDs don't really have friends/circles it seems, they find their partners online or at work.  I'm not saying this is 100% the case but it seems like a lot of our r/s start in the workplace. 

I don't regret having a r/s with J.  I wish it had ended up differently.  I also wish I could call her 'friend' because I do miss aspects of her (not just sexual aspects, either). 

Yeah, it's been a rough day for me at work.  Something happened this morning and it's had me off kilter all day.
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Rmbrworst
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« Reply #36 on: January 13, 2016, 08:54:29 PM »

Just came here to say hello to you guys.

I am on 2.5 weeks of no contact exactly, and I'm feeling much better today.  It's given me some clarity and some time to think.  Even though I may regress a few times, today is the first day I woke up without crying, and the first day I realized "There's a light at the end of the tunnel."

By 4 weeks, I think I'm going to feel like a completely different person.

Most importantly, this  has been a time to focus on MYSELF.  Today I didn't spend one second of time fretting over my BPD ex.  Instead, I focused on myself and focused on what I am going to do in the future so that I do not allow this to happen.  I've been thinking about boundaries quite a lot.  Most of us (probably all of us) are in this situation because we did put into position boundaries, and if we had them, we didn't respect them.

Wishing you all the best, and it does get better.  I am nowhere near 100, but then again, I am nowhere near the absolute wreck I was 2 weeks ago.

Being discarded is a painful experience that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

We will get there.   Be strong.

Much love.
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« Reply #37 on: January 13, 2016, 09:00:36 PM »

Just came here to say hello to you guys.

I am on 2.5 weeks of no contact exactly, and I'm feeling much better today.  It's given me some clarity and some time to think.  Even though I may regress a few times, today is the first day I woke up without crying, and the first day I realized "There's a light at the end of the tunnel."

By 4 weeks, I think I'm going to feel like a completely different person.

Most importantly, this  has been a time to focus on MYSELF.  Today I didn't spend one second of time fretting over my BPD ex.  Instead, I focused on myself and focused on what I am going to do in the future so that I do not allow this to happen.  I've been thinking about boundaries quite a lot.  Most of us (probably all of us) are in this situation because we did put into position boundaries, and if we had them, we didn't respect them.

Wishing you all the best, and it does get better.  I am nowhere near 100, but then again, I am nowhere near the absolute wreck I was 2 weeks ago.

Being discarded is a painful experience that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

We will get there.   Be strong.

Much love.

That's awesome, man. Glad you woke up feeling good and carried that into the rest of your day. That must have felt really good to have a day like that. You deserve it.

Here's to many more days like that!
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« Reply #38 on: January 13, 2016, 09:05:36 PM »

Thanks Anez!  

Stay strong my friend.  No contact DOES WORK.  

We got this.

I'll post here often to see how u guys are doing.
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« Reply #39 on: January 13, 2016, 09:11:50 PM »

Yup NC is good. I just hurt a little by seeing her everyday at work. Makes no contact tough because I want to be cordial.

Not sure if you saw my post from earlier but I was leaving kitchen at work this morning as she was walking in and I didn't say anything - just put my hand up in the air and we high fived each other, laughed, and each kept walking.

I can't wait to see what my therapist has to say about that tomorrow!
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« Reply #40 on: January 13, 2016, 09:15:43 PM »

It kicked back in the "I miss her and want her back" thoughts. I came back to my desk and wondered what she thought of the moment.

Just reading now . . .

Oof that's a rough feeling. For me, I think it's healthier not to worry about what my ex BPD is thinking at all, because it causes useless anxiety and stress. 

However, that's going to be really damn hard working with her.  I dunno man, I think yes talk to your therapist and let him/her know how it affected you so you can talk through it. 

Hope it didnt push you far back into your recovery.  Focus on you my friend.

Much love.
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« Reply #41 on: January 13, 2016, 09:25:17 PM »

Yup gotta turn the focus back on me. I've slipped the last few days but thankfully no real damage.

Looking forward to seeing my therapist tomorrow. He's been a godsend.

Stay strong!
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« Reply #42 on: January 13, 2016, 10:36:38 PM »

Almost 2 months NC.

I have had the same feeling now for several days, maybe a week.

My ex is having an amazing time with her new guy and I'm left in this cold winter trying to rebuild my life, feeling like a worthless man wandering an empty city.

It is an illusion. Her amazing life and my empty world. I know this, but I can't shake this feeling of amazing life/ worthless life with how things are now.

It's crushing.

I'm trying to heal. I'm trying to rebuild my self esteem and sense of worth. I'm trying to fix my very old causes of love addiction. I'm waking up and trying to figure out the life I want to lead and what I truly care about, really for the first time. It's a long road with a lot of work ahead of me.

All while she's having the time of her life with an amazing new guy who fits everything she said she wanted.

For the life of me it feels like the only thing that will stop this sense of emptiness is being in the arms of another woman.

I find myself working towards that end, and I even get the sense that would be possible in the short term.

But isn't that exactly what she is doing? Has done her whole life?

I just want to feel something other than this. At a certain point I don't care if helps or not. I just want an escape, even for a night.

My god this must be how she feels.

Am I becoming her?

So ___ing empty right now.

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« Reply #43 on: January 13, 2016, 10:48:13 PM »

Homefree:

I know how you feel and I'm sorry you're feeling this way. It can be tough feeling alone but you're not. We're all here for ya.

You're working on yourself and looking for what you truly care about. That's so f****** commendable. You're putting in the work. The real work. It will payoff.

It might not feel that way now, I know. These lows can be low. But just get through it and pat yourself on the back for doing what you're doing.

It's going to get so much better.
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« Reply #44 on: January 14, 2016, 12:08:29 AM »

This thread should not have a length limit and should be allowed to keep going endlessly because NC is the bread and butter of healing. I always scan for "NC" in the thread names, looking to be encouraged with it.

I'm NC 94. I can't tell you how much better I feel like. I'm 50% my old self which to an outsider would be really bad for you guys I'm sure you know what a great progress it is.

CD is practically gone, other than for a few moments every now and again. Acceptance is complete and I'm not in love with her anymore which I think is a huge step. Still angry at times but less and less. I'm keeping really busy with a new study program.

It gets better with every passing day. Do not break NC at any cost. Set yourselves goals like 50 and 90 days and then keep extending them... .Never meet them again, that would be the worse.

You WILL meet someone else and one year from now you ex will be nothing but a memory.
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« Reply #45 on: January 14, 2016, 12:15:58 AM »

This thread should not have a length limit and should be allowed to keep going endlessly because NC is the bread and butter of healing. I always scan for "NC" in the thread names, looking to be encouraged with it.

I'm NC 94. I can't tell you how much better I feel like. I'm 50% my old self which to an outsider would be really bad for you guys I'm sure you know what a great progress it is.

CD is practically gone, other than for a few moments every now and again. Acceptance is complete and I'm not in love with her anymore which I think is a huge step. Still angry at times but less and less. I'm keeping really busy with a new study program.

It gets better with every passing day. Do not break NC at any cost. Set yourselves goals like 50 and 90 days and then keep extending them... .Never meet them again, that would be the worse.

You WILL meet someone else and one year from now you ex will be nothing but a memory.

This was a nice message to end the day with.  Can't wait to get to where you are,  but remaining out of contact will get me there soon.  I can already feel the positive effects.

Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post) Homefree

Listen to the logic you displayed.  It's all a facade.  Your life is not empty, and her life probably is.  However, I think most importantly is ... .if her life is so amazing, who cares?  We gotta get you feeling better, so you can truly let go, and start focusing on yourself.

It's really hard to let go and we are all different, but I truly believe it gets better once you center back on yourself.  I hope you pull through.  The depression won't last forever.  Talk it out with a pro if you can.
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« Reply #46 on: January 14, 2016, 12:16:46 AM »

That's awesome, NCEA. Good work! And thanks for weighing in with your progress. That will help us all as we push forward.

I see mine at work every day but very briefly and I'm cordial, so it's not technically NC but it's the best I can do under the circumstances. It makes my recovery more challenging but I'm 8 days into not reaching out via text. It's a hello, what's up at work and that's it.

I'm working hard through therapy each week to figure out what drew me down this path and I'm being more open with people about my emotions and feelings, which is a lot of good coming out of a crappy situation.

Keep up the good work, NCEA!
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« Reply #47 on: January 14, 2016, 12:24:01 AM »

Exactly.

The day after my discard I sent her a kind email saying it was good it's over and that friendships are hard to make and that in a few months we could be friends. She was so happy and thanked me and said she couldn't wait.

It felt awful for me later thinking that I was that forgiving and kind to an emotional monster and when a week later she wrote me I used that opportunity to flip it on her. Wrote her a long email about "red lights" (didn't know they were called flags!) and that I think she might have a disorder. It was still a very kind loving email but still... .Much closer to the truth of things.

Soon after establishing NC I realized that being a friend would be a reward and encouragement. Hell no. I'm going to be that one guy she couldn't friend zoned.

I do plan to break NC once, on her next birthday, in May. She's going to get a 6 page document detailing her condition with examples for each red flag.  I'm going to call it "the gift of self knowledge". After that she'll never want to hear from me again anyway.


My therapist said something last week that made a lot of sense. I had been texting her every now and then and getting nice responses from her.

My T said, do you know what she gets out of those texts? And I said no. And he said it allows her to push me into the friend zone and it allows her to feel like she has been forgiven for all the bad stuff she has done. So by me reaching out I'm making her feel better while making me feel worse, which is far from ideal for me.

So the texting is done. the reaching out is done. This is her loss.

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« Reply #48 on: January 14, 2016, 09:29:35 AM »

I woke up with the thought of wanting to ask her this "we used to be so close and now we're nothing. I just wanted to know, do you even miss me?"

I won't ask her that, of course, but I feel better getting it off my chest here.
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« Reply #49 on: January 14, 2016, 09:40:51 AM »

I woke up with the thought of wanting to ask her this "we used to be so close and now we're nothing. I just wanted to know, do you even miss me?"

I won't ask her that, of course, but I feel better getting it off my chest here.

Isn't that the burning question, especially when you have been coldly thrown away like a piece of trash.
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« Reply #50 on: January 14, 2016, 09:59:47 AM »

Yup and the answer would hurt either way.
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« Reply #51 on: January 14, 2016, 10:37:14 AM »

Yup and the answer would hurt either way.

It would, but it would be nice to know we were something more than a disposable object.
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« Reply #52 on: January 14, 2016, 12:04:02 PM »

I know that mine misses me as a fact. Who knows, she might be single again, or akready open for cheating on whoever she's with.  But if we can't be together in the same bed holding each other... .(Because she's toxic and I'd never would get into it again) Then what's the point? Part of me wants to send a nasty email, make her hate me, to burn that bridge to the ground.
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« Reply #53 on: January 14, 2016, 01:08:50 PM »

This is kind of depressing at times but I still love it. An untitled song by pearl jam which is more like a spoken word story by eddie vedder. It's about a break up.

i love this line:

"Never thought I'd curse the day I met her. And since she's gone and wouldn't hear. who would care? what good would that do? But I'm still here."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=THD-U1B-Jtc

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« Reply #54 on: January 14, 2016, 02:50:00 PM »

I miss a friendship with her.  I'm not interested in getting back with her, but I want that connection back.  [... .] I miss our talks more than anything.  Not the romantic stuff, just sharing stuff with her. 

This is also my difficulty. I miss our friendship, the intellectual connection.
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« Reply #55 on: January 14, 2016, 03:25:34 PM »

Just passed her as she was eating lunch in the lounge near my desk. I sat down and thought how crazy life is - in late august we spent a weekend away together in palm springs and laughed the whole time. the next week she brought some stuff over to my house to keep there. And now we barely say hello when i pass by - this time we didn't, she's laughing it up with friends.

I really want to sit down with her and have a casual conversation about how everything fell apart - no attacking or anything, just two adults talking. but that is never gonna happen. We don't get answers from them, we get to figure them out on our own.

I wish they'd move the lounge away from my area!
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« Reply #56 on: January 14, 2016, 05:22:38 PM »

Can you change jobs?

It's going to be real hard... .It's different for women, they get hit on all the time, they can replace us like we replace socks. 
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« Reply #57 on: January 14, 2016, 05:41:26 PM »

Unfortunately can't change jobs at the moment. I love my job and it's unique and hard to change. Just gotta battle through it.
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« Reply #58 on: January 14, 2016, 06:02:24 PM »

Just thought I'd weigh in here on this great thread as well as support my new virtual friends... .

Aside from a chance meeting with my ex two weeks ago, I've been nc since we broke up 7 weeks ago. I was simply discarded in a very abrupt and ice cold manner. I'm not aware of any lies other than ones of omission where the truth or truths were fed to me very slowly and I doubt in full. I'm not aware of or suspect any infidelity and I believe I've been replaced by a group of her girlfriends whom she is currently idealising.

That said, perhaps it's easier for me to take the position that I have. I am committed to nc; I've held fast through the holidays and intend to keep going through V Day, her B Day in Feb and all that malarky. As and when our paths cross or she makes contact, I will be polite and friendly however, I have no intention of being her friend. How could I be? I don't even know who she is and I just see that the same as betting into your hand when you're beat on the board. There's nothing in it for me... .

I feel some peace for two nights in a row now and I'm so grateful. If I had to say what I'm doing differently that perhaps has yielded this result is that I'm trying very hard to find compassion and forgiveness for her. I stopped of at my church and lit some candles for her and said a prayer for her peace and happiness. I believe these people are very unwell and although they don't seem to show it, I'm starting to realise they suffer on a whole different level and not as visible as ours is... .

It's nigh on impossible not to take the ice cold discard personally but I'm starting to realise it had absolutely nothing to do with me or anything I did or didn't do in the r/s... .it was ALWAYS the end game. Perhaps with copious amounts of therapy, endless patience compromise and incredible pain it MIGHT be sustainable... .for a period of time. I don't know about anyone else but that just doesn't sound like much fun to me... .

I believe our suffering is much more acute and obvious and we must take some immediate actions in order to heal. I think nc is the best way forward but this takes tremendous strength and resolve, at least for me it does but some understanding, compassion and forgiveness seems to be helping as well as giving me some peace... .

Hang in there everyone... .this will pass, we don't know when but one day the pain will go... .
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« Reply #59 on: January 14, 2016, 10:12:54 PM »

Hi gang, I'm here too. I've been LC rather than NC so far, but heading into a personal 7 day NC challenge. One day at a time.
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« Reply #60 on: January 15, 2016, 11:04:27 AM »

I am a total NC failure  .

3 hours into NC day 1 and I already texted her a text which is guaranteed to get no reply. . I almost posted it on here instead-- wish I did.
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« Reply #61 on: January 15, 2016, 11:30:28 AM »

Don't beat yourself up, KC. Shake it off and get back to NC. You can do this.

and next time you feel like texting her do it here!
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« Reply #62 on: January 15, 2016, 11:34:06 AM »

It's just a text mate... .

Be gentle with yourself... .this isn't easy

On the upside, better to start  over with nc after 3 hours as opposed to 3 days, weeks, months etc... .

I'm about seven weeks now and it has gotten better, much better... .

Change her name in your phone to "Pain" or "Suffering" or ":)oom"... .

Text someone you know cares about you and tell them you're struggling, write out how you feel but DON'T send it to her... .post it here or send it to a friend... .

I don't know how long it will take, no one does, but you WILL feel better... .
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« Reply #63 on: January 15, 2016, 11:45:04 AM »

Glad to hear you're doing well, Brab. keep it up! 7 weeks is strong!
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« Reply #64 on: January 15, 2016, 12:16:09 PM »

Good point! Okay, starting again... .and on the upside, my text to her might ensure that she won't contact me, so I won't face that challenge!

Quote from:

On the upside, better to start  over with nc after 3 hours as opposed to 3 days, weeks, months etc... .[/quote

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« Reply #65 on: January 15, 2016, 12:43:25 PM »

It's just a text mate... .

Be gentle with yourself... .this isn't easy

On the upside, better to start  over with nc after 3 hours as opposed to 3 days, weeks, months etc... .

I'm about seven weeks now and it has gotten better, much better... .

Change her name in your phone to "Pain" or "Suffering" or ":)oom"... .

Text someone you know cares about you and tell them you're struggling, write out how you feel but DON'T send it to her... .post it here or send it to a friend... .

I don't know how long it will take, no one does, but you WILL feel better... .

This is a good idea for a thread. To post messages here instead of to them.
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« Reply #66 on: January 15, 2016, 06:30:07 PM »

NC 96.

She's becoming a distant memory. I wish the sex wasn't so good, it's really the only aspect I miss. It seems that time does heal everything. If you'd be taken out of your body and personality and put into new ones, within 3 months you'd hardly remember your old self.

It's not healing just forgetfulness. And of course now that I'm forgetting it's also easy "to forgive" because it's all towards an abstruct person who is just a ghost.
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« Reply #67 on: January 15, 2016, 06:33:21 PM »

Wow, NCEA, that is so great!

I'm down the rabbit hole still . Not even day 1 yet. Sucks.
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« Reply #68 on: January 15, 2016, 07:09:29 PM »

That's awesome NCEA. You're killing it and learning a lot along the way. Good for you.

KC start with one day. Then two days. Then three days. You can do it. Don't get down on yourself. Each day will make you stronger. You might not see it at first but look at how NCEA is doing after 96 days.
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« Reply #69 on: January 15, 2016, 07:55:15 PM »

I am a total NC failure  .

3 hours into NC day 1 and I already texted her a text which is guaranteed to get no reply. . I almost posted it on here instead-- wish I did.

Dont kill yourself over it.  NC is very hard, but it gets easier and easier.

I'm at almost 3 weeks and even now, I have strong urges to text my exBPD.  However, now I want to text just to . . . see if he's okay.  Just to reach out, and say "I forgive you", and get closure.  But I know that it's better for now to just stay no contact, until I am 100% certain, I have re established my boundaries, and that they will not falter. 

Just try your best (better than your best), and be strong.  Detaching yourself from the situation will start to make you see things much more clearly.
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« Reply #70 on: January 15, 2016, 08:11:00 PM »

Sitting at home on a Friday sick as a dog, doing laundry and have no desire to text her. 10 days into not reaching out (cordial hellos at work) and feeling a little stronger.

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« Reply #71 on: January 15, 2016, 09:15:09 PM »

Sitting at home on a Friday sick as a dog, doing laundry and have no desire to text her. 10 days into not reaching out (cordial hellos at work) and feeling a little stronger.

Get well soon my friend.  The stress probably has your immune system shot.  

I'm glad to hear you're feeling stronger.  

Since I feel like sharing a little, and I dont know where to post this.  I wanted to share a little about some things I found out about my exBPD.

Well,it turns out he's been keeping a blog for 10 years, that I had no clue about . . . and seemingly very few other people have any idea about.  I stumbled on it because there was a link hidden deep on one of his websites.  He's all over the internet, literally on every website you can think of.  I think he has an easier time communicating behind a keyboard instead of face to face.

Anyway . . . most of this blog was about his relationships.  They all followed the same pattern.  He fell in love very quickly, and lost interest in about 3 months (when people would get really close to him), and then he would discard them.  Or, he would find someone, fall in love quick, and they'd reject him, and he would go on and on about how cruel they were and what terrible people they were for doing that to him.  

However, most disturbing was a passage he wrote about an ex boyfriend.  He said "I broke up with him, because I am not in love with him anymore, and he was devastated.  But in about a week, I got lonely, so I called and confessed my love for him, just so I could have sex with him, and just so I'm no longer lonely.   I have no feelings for him.  I'm disgusted with myself.  I am selfish, and shallow, but it's in my nature, and I cannot stop it.  I wish to be with someone else, someone better than him, but until I find that person, I will be with him so that I am not lonely"

Well then . . . okay.   That explains a lot.  How very sad and pathetic.  

I have no ill feelings towards him.   He is truly sick, and needs help.  I would NEVER treat someone like this!

Also, he unblocked me on some social media, and I saw confirmation that him and his "ex" are going to a lot of events together (I think I was unblocked so I could see this),  so now I'm pretty certain he was 100% dating him the whole time we were together.  What's so sad, is when I told his ex about everything that happened, and how my BPD had been seeing me for 6 months behind his back (without my knowledge), he said "I will never leave him no matter what he does to me, because I'm too in love with him."

Well you know what.  You can have him gurl.  That's too much for me to handle.  

I feel sorry for him.  I feel sorry that he feels so alone that he will lie, cheat, and RUIN people's lives, just so he can fill his empty heart and live with himself.  

This disorder is TRULY devastating for all involved.

But the silver lining is this . . .

I've seen enough.  I have been NC for almost 3 weeks, but now I am extended NC to mean,  NOTHING.  I will not look at his pictures, I will not look at any of his 1 million websites and blogs, I am eliminating him from my life.  If he ever does call me, I will not even seek to understand why he did the things he did.  I am now filled with the resolve to MOVE ON and take my LIFE back!

He emotionally abused me, and he was dating another man behind my back.  The man I was before I knew him would never stand for this, and I'm just starting to feel (albeit only slightly), like the man I was before him.  I do not deserve this, and I will not tolerate it.  I am not the person who can be with someone who has this disorder.  I am getting my boundaries back to protect myself, and RESPECT myself, and I hope everyone in this thread finds that within themselves as well.

I'm nowhere near 100 . . . but each day is better . . . and we will all learn to respect ourselves, and move on from this.  I know it's so hard, and there's so many emotions tied into all this.  Just keep telling yourselves, YOU DESERVE BETTER!

We are the type of men/women who never gave up on the person we love, and we will find someone who deserves that.  

The people who discarded us, do not deserve the love we can give. I'm sorry to say it but it's true.

For those who suffer with BPD, my heart truly goes out to you . . . and if I could talk to my exBPD I would now tell him "I forgive you, and I will always love you.  My hope is for your happiness, and I truly hope you seek help for what you suffer from."

That's true love . . . and what we deserve.

Hang in there guys/gals.  It gets better.

We can do it together, I'm so glad this board exists, the good, bad, and the ugly, all of it is beautiful.   Let's get through this. 

Much love. 
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« Reply #72 on: January 15, 2016, 09:54:18 PM »

Wow ... .Sorry you had to read all that on his blog but at least now you see what type of person he really is. He doesn't even come close to deserving you. That blog should help push you forward even more, tho.

Yea, these boards are a great place. Everyone has helped me in their own ways and I appreciate it all. It's crazy, I didn't know about BPD a few months ago. When she dumped me I just thought it was a girl who suddenly didn't like me anymore and I was LOST. I still am a little lost but with the help here and w my T I'm finding my way home.

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« Reply #73 on: January 15, 2016, 10:10:38 PM »

Man it's crazy how the brain works. I just listened to an awesome live version of a song she likes and my first thought was I should send this to her. Then I was like wait, shut up brain. no I shouldn't. And I'm not sending it.

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« Reply #74 on: January 15, 2016, 10:23:19 PM »

Man it's crazy how the brain works. I just listened to an awesome live version of a song she likes and my first thought was I should send this to her. Then I was like wait, shut up brain. no I shouldn't. And I'm not sending it.

Oh man, that hits me in the gut.  Music is the worst.

I cant even listen to certain songs and artists, because I went to so many live shows with my exBPD.  Those songs are so painful . . .

But yes, I can relate to always seeing stuff and going "ohh, i want to send that to . . . oh nevermind . . . "

It happens all the time.  He loves silly meme's or anything cute.  I will see something I'll known he will love and I want to send it so BAD! 

It's almost like the "Friendship" aspect is what is missed more.  Yes, the romance was nice (but the drama spoiled it . . . )  however the friendship was always great. Sharing just fun stuff, having tons in common.

It sucks man!   I feel you!

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« Reply #75 on: January 15, 2016, 10:25:13 PM »

Soon we'll find new people to share stuff with. For now, we just smile at the memory of that song or whatever and move along.
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« Reply #76 on: January 16, 2016, 09:57:03 AM »

Not out of the woods yet... .

It's kind of a significant day for my ex and she keeps changing her photo on WhatsApp... .one was a photo she sent to me when I was being idealised and the other is probably one of the most flattering I've seen of her... .

Finding it a bit of a wind up if I'm truthful... .my people all tell me it's "bait" and I tend to agree... .

Some friends whom I consider to be more spiritually enlightened tell me that since I'm leaving for India tomorrow I'm putting out an energy into the universe that she's picked up on... .I'm taking a massive step in letting go of her and this is her way of holding on... .interesting perspective... .

I'm pretty sure that once I'm in India and start to look inside myself... .she will become very, very insignificant... .I think it's already happening and these feelings I have today are the remnants... .tho they're very powerful and quite painful... .

Regardless, I'm holding the line on nc, I wish her well on this special day for her but there is no need to convey that directly... .

Better to spend time with the people who love me without condition before I set off on my journey!

Hold fast chaps! Better days ahead!



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« Reply #77 on: January 16, 2016, 10:38:20 AM »

Stay strong, BRab! Smart of you to spend time today with those who love you unconditionally.

Great things await for you on your journey to India!
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« Reply #78 on: January 16, 2016, 11:07:30 AM »

Why are you looking at her whatsapp picture?

Delete your chat, delete her number.

Then you won't see these changes any more. Do it now before you leave.

It's astonishing how one moment you're in love and then all hell breaks loose and then slowly over many weeks and months it turns into a distant memory. Even something the magnitude of world war 2 is today nothing but a faded memory in history, in old pictures and stories that are detached from the real event.

The first three months are hell, just be prepared for it.

Not out of the woods yet... .

It's kind of a significant day for my ex and she keeps changing her photo on WhatsApp... .one was a photo she sent to me when I was being idealised and the other is probably one of the most flattering I've seen of her... .

Finding it a bit of a wind up if I'm truthful... .my people all tell me it's "bait" and I tend to agree... .

Some friends whom I consider to be more spiritually enlightened tell me that since I'm leaving for India tomorrow I'm putting out an energy into the universe that she's picked up on... .I'm taking a massive step in letting go of her and this is her way of holding on... .interesting perspective... .

I'm pretty sure that once I'm in India and start to look inside myself... .she will become very, very insignificant... .I think it's already happening and these feelings I have today are the remnants... .tho they're very powerful and quite painful... .

Regardless, I'm holding the line on nc, I wish her well on this special day for her but there is no need to convey that directly... .

Better to spend time with the people who love me without condition before I set off on my journey!

Hold fast chaps! Better days ahead!


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« Reply #79 on: January 16, 2016, 07:47:11 PM »

Hi NC gang,

You all are so good! I'm almost done day 1 of NC though-- and that includes no checking social media. Whew! She was still on my mind a lot though... .hopefully less tomorrow!

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« Reply #80 on: January 17, 2016, 12:38:11 AM »

Nice, KC!

Try your best to not look at her social media. It's all BS on there anyways. It gets easier each day not to look.

Stay strong!
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« Reply #81 on: January 17, 2016, 12:45:40 PM »

Day 8 (or 9?) ... .doing okay, I guess. Wondering if I'll ever hear from her again, not sure what I'd do if I did.
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« Reply #82 on: January 17, 2016, 12:52:09 PM »

Feel the same way you do, maple. Almost broke down and texted today but lonely_astro talked me off the ledge! Back to feeling strong, tho.
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« Reply #83 on: January 17, 2016, 12:53:28 PM »

Feel the same way you do, maple. Almost broke down and texted today but lonely_astro talked me off the ledge! Back to feeling strong, tho.

I'm no where near breaking down and texting. I apparently do have some pride. I just miss her and don't have to do anything about it.
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« Reply #84 on: January 17, 2016, 02:46:11 PM »

I am on Day 366 of NC!

I feel better now and stronger than I ever have!

He contacted me twice about 2 months after we went NC. The first email just said he wanted me to know he was thinking of me and missing me but he had no motive in emailng me. I thought that it was bait and normally I would fall for it, but I didn't reply to him. So a week later to the day I got another email saying again how he thought of me every day and missed me and wanted so badly to hear from me. I didn't respond to that one either.

What I found out was the timing of these emails was when the girl who was my replacement had dumped him and he didn't have a replacement for her yet.

(Unfortunately I'm linked to him by my family being friends with his, so I got some inside scoop.)

Turned out the day it was over for the replacement and him he set up an online dating account and also tried to reach out to me. He was also trying to Charm her back in to the relationship with gifts (he did that to me all the time when we had a fallout to try to win me back) and posting on his Facebook pictures of movie tickets they went to together and some sort of wrist band in the shape of a heart. He also changed his profile pics to the movie tickets and some notes she wrote him and pics of them together. After she wouldn't respond within a few hours he had posted pics of a gift I made him and made that his profile and also changed the other pic to a photo I had taken that he saved.

After she wouldn't respond to him and I didn't respond to his two emails (and shortly after the emails he was parked in a lot I pass by on the way out of my neighborhood probably hoping I would see him and stop - h*ll no!). Then a few days later after that he ended up finding someone at a bar. He's living with her now.

He deleted his Facebook account (probably so the new replacement didn't see all the crazy things he was posting about the other replacement and me).

He contacted me again two days ago (one day before the one year mark of the last time I spoke to him... .which also happens to be his birthday) and again said he thought of me every day and missed me always.

I'm sure it had some correlation to some drama in his current relationship and needing backup. He may be missing me and thinking of me, but I'm almost 100% certain he's also thinking about all the others and missing them too.

In the past I always fell for reconnecting with him but after everything I found out when we ended things I see him for exactly what he is and won't fall for his manipulations anymore.

It's all about him not being able to be alone. His needs.

During some conversations we had in the past he told me he never loved any of his ex's and one time he told me he didn't know how to love.

I didn't believe it then but I do now.

Having contact with this person will only serve to meet his needs and cause me further harm.

NC was the best thing I ever did to stop the cycle.

In his case ex's are like revolving doors. When one door closes he tries to enter back into the life of a previous ex but if that doesn't happen he goes down the line and through whatever avenue to do what he needs to line up an attachment.

One of our previous fallouts before the end, he was searching for a girlfriend he had almost 15 years ago! Then another fallout he contacted a female friend and began triangulating her with me and chatting with her behind my back and playing online games with her. She was the one who replaced me because he was lining her up behind my back for quite some time.

That was the end of the madness and the last straw for me.

NC really does allow you to get out of the FOG, madness and chaos that so many of these relationships have and start to see things more clearly.

I realized some very unhealthy aspects about myself that I've worked very hard at healing and realized what we had wasn't love, it was need on his part and being needed on my part.

I realized I deserve so much better than what I put up with!

Something else I did to help in my healing was right after I decided to go NC for good, I destroyed, sold and threw away everything associated with him. Every gift, every card, every letter, every picture... .everything. For me the ending was final and I was done with him for good.

What I'm having to work on is letting go of anger towards him and anger at myself for putting up with all the things I did for as long as I did.

Be strong and when you're tempted to respond, contact a friend instead, a therapist or someone on here. Those are also some things I did to help me get to this point in NC and my healing.

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« Reply #85 on: January 17, 2016, 04:58:08 PM »

Nice work, sunshine! That's impressive and you should be really proud of yourself. And thanks for the tips, too.

Way to be strong!
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« Reply #86 on: January 17, 2016, 06:28:21 PM »

Been kinda busy and haven't checked up on here too much, but been thinking of you guys, and I'm going to read the updates tonight or tomorrow. 

I've been sticking to no contact, but I still think of him a lot, and I miss the good times.  There were so many.

Why do the small amount of bad times have to amount to so much?  Oh man, it's really sucky.

98% of the time, it was bliss.  2% of the time, it was hell on earth.

But being discarded over and over is just not okay.

I do wonder sometimes if he thinks about me or if he ever wants to contact me.  I feel like he's just . ... forgotten about me. It hurts to think that.

Much love.
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kc sunshine
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« Reply #87 on: January 17, 2016, 06:37:59 PM »

Almost done day 2. Still thinking about her a lot though. On a 1-10 scale, I'm probably at a 7 of thinking about her. Hopefully tomorrow will be a 6.
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« Reply #88 on: January 17, 2016, 06:38:32 PM »

(and what I feel like doing now is not texting but sending her a postcard.)
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« Reply #89 on: January 17, 2016, 08:18:45 PM »

7 isn't bad, KC!

Don't send a postcard, tho. NC!
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« Reply #90 on: January 18, 2016, 01:38:51 AM »

Going to use this what it's for, and post here the message that I wanted to send to my exBPD tonight.

"Hey!  I went to go see The Revenant tonight.  I wish you were there, because I know you'd totally love it.  I miss hanging out with you and doing stuff together.  We always have such a good time.  It was hard to look to my side and see nobody there.  I kept looking for your reaction.  Even harder was the fact that I wanted to talk to you about it afterwards, because I love hearing your thoughts.  You know so much about movies and I love your passion for them.  Hope you had a good weekend. 

Oh, and happy Birthday!"

Feeling a little crushed tonight guys.  Hang in there.  Much Love.
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« Reply #91 on: January 18, 2016, 01:50:29 AM »

It's all about him not being able to be alone. His needs.

During some conversations we had in the past he told me he never loved any of his ex's and one time he told me he didn't know how to love.

I didn't believe it then but I do now.

I'm not a mental health professional, but dang, that sounds like a full fledged narcissist.   Of course, it's a spectrum disorder and people with BPD have different levels of different things. 

My heart truly goes out to you knowing that you even had to hear something like that said to you.  "I never loved my exes and I dont know how to love."  My god, it's so earth shattering.  I was never told anything so awful, but I remember the feeling when he said "I should have never said yes to getting back with you."  Just that was enough to tear my world apart.   I couldn't believe someone who showed me so much love could say that.

I can really relate when you say it's about his needs.  It was always about my exBPD and what worked for him.  I feel like he never really went out of the way for me.  Maybe sometimes . . . but not REALLY.  I was always the one who did everything I could to make him happy.

I know I always talk about myself and my exBPD, but I'm just trying to relate as best I can.  Finding parallels is how I express myself, I hope it doesn't sound selfish.

My heart goes out to you.

I hope I can make it as far as you.  I'm 3 weeks NC and some days it almost feels harder now than it did at first . . . its' weird.

Much love.

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Apricot6

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« Reply #92 on: January 18, 2016, 04:21:34 AM »

I need some help here. When I finally detached from relationship last month after a particularly nasty and cruel attack I had a few weeks of nice/nasty contact from exBPD including even driving to my house in the night and emailing me from outside. I stood firm and did not go crawling back. But now he's finally gone away (I think, it's been 2 weeks since last contact) I am finding it really hard. Now the stress of the unwanted contact is cleared I feel really hurt abandoned and alone. I am doing everything right to get over it. Started a new class, seeing trusted friends, etc. But I was very strongly attached to the ex in ways I haven't been before and I just feel lost. He was such a wonderful person during the honeymoon phase. I just want to stop thinking about it so much.
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« Reply #93 on: January 18, 2016, 07:21:51 AM »

Thank you for your kind words Rmbrworst 

It does sound harsh doesn't it?

My take from what he was saying (and these were said on two separate instances) was that he was devaluing them and pointing them black because he felt they abandoned him and he was idealizing me and painting me white. Or, could be that he just wanted to tell me what he thought I wanted to hear.

We were having a conversation about ex's and I was just trying to find out about his past relationships and share about mine. I asked something like out of all of your past relationships who did you feel you really loved.

I know out of my past relationships there are only two (other than my BPDex) that I think about from time to time and can say I genuinely loved and miss. Some of the others I thought I loved at the time, but I never think of them hardly ever. Trying to find out who impacted his life.

That was when he said he never loved any of them. It struck me very odd for sure! I passed it off as devaluation or him just feeling since he didn't feel love for them at that moment he thought he never loved them.

Another way to view it I guess would be that he picks people out of fear of being alone and doesn't get to know who he's attaching himself to so how can you really love someone you randomly pick out of desperation and never get to know on a deeper level before the relationship deteriorates.

I definitely agree that some BPD's (my ex included) can act in very narcissistic ways!

His other comment about how he doesn't know how to love I don't remember the context of the conversation that came out of, just him uttering those words stuck with me.

Strangely, in a way this last attempt to contact me and me being in a place where I didn't respond back has made me heal a little more. Don't know if that makes sense? I guess I'm realizing he doesn't have a strong hold on me like he use to and I'm finally letting go of the person I thought he was during the honeymoon and idealization phase when he was mirroring me and love bombing (something I had never experienced to such an extreme degree before).

And being on this site and being able to share with you all and getting support has been so very helpful in my healing!

Thank you again for what you said. My heart reaches out to you too in your journey of healing from what you went through.   
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« Reply #94 on: January 18, 2016, 07:28:53 AM »

It's all about him not being able to be alone. His needs.

During some conversations we had in the past he told me he never loved any of his ex's and one time he told me he didn't know how to love.

I didn't believe it then but I do now.

I'm not a mental health professional, but dang, that sounds like a full fledged narcissist.   Of course, it's a spectrum disorder and people with BPD have different levels of different things. 

My heart truly goes out to you knowing that you even had to hear something like that said to you.  "I never loved my exes and I dont know how to love."  My god, it's so earth shattering.  I was never told anything so awful, but I remember the feeling when he said "I should have never said yes to getting back with you."  Just that was enough to tear my world apart.   I couldn't believe someone who showed me so much love could say that.

I can really relate when you say it's about his needs.  It was always about my exBPD and what worked for him.  I feel like he never really went out of the way for me.  Maybe sometimes . . . but not REALLY.  I was always the one who did everything I could to make him happy.

I know I always talk about myself and my exBPD, but I'm just trying to relate as best I can.  Finding parallels is how I express myself, I hope it doesn't sound selfish.

My heart goes out to you.

I hope I can make it as far as you.  I'm 3 weeks NC and some days it almost feels harder now than it did at first . . . its' weird.

Much love.

You'll get there! It takes time! I was hurting really badly for the first 3-5 months after the split, but after getting some information about what he was doing behind the scenes I realized who he really was and that he was doing whatever he needed to do to not be alone and that realization made him start to look very unappealing to me and I guess I just saw the mask come off and didn't like what I saw under it.

You will have times when it's easier and times when it's harder! Don't give up! I promise it gets better as time passes.

Thank you for sharing with me.
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« Reply #95 on: January 18, 2016, 07:30:05 AM »

Nice work, sunshine! That's impressive and you should be really proud of yourself. And thanks for the tips, too.

Way to be strong!

Thank you Anez! 
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« Reply #96 on: January 18, 2016, 07:33:15 AM »

I thought I would post an article that I've read many times on and off throughout the last year to help me stay strong in my NC.

Hope it helps someone here too!

www.nonborderline.blogspot.com/2008/07/ending-relationship-with-someone-with.html?m=1
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« Reply #97 on: January 18, 2016, 01:13:07 PM »

Staff only

The topic of discussion has reached it's post limit and is locked. You're welcome with starting a new or similar topic of discussion.
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