NC pep talk thread

[Rmbrworst]

Going to use this what it's for, and post here the message that I wanted to send to my exBPD tonight.

"Hey!  I went to go see The Revenant tonight.  I wish you were there, because I know you'd totally love it.  I miss hanging out with you and doing stuff together.  We always have such a good time.  It was hard to look to my side and see nobody there.  I kept looking for your reaction.  Even harder was the fact that I wanted to talk to you about it afterwards, because I love hearing your thoughts.  You know so much about movies and I love your passion for them.  Hope you had a good weekend. 

Oh, and happy Birthday!"

Feeling a little crushed tonight guys.  Hang in there.  Much Love.

[Rmbrworst]

It's all about him not being able to be alone. His needs.

During some conversations we had in the past he told me he never loved any of his ex's and one time he told me he didn't know how to love.

I didn't believe it then but I do now.

I'm not a mental health professional, but dang, that sounds like a full fledged narcissist.   Of course, it's a spectrum disorder and people with BPD have different levels of different things. 

My heart truly goes out to you knowing that you even had to hear something like that said to you.  "I never loved my exes and I dont know how to love."  My god, it's so earth shattering.  I was never told anything so awful, but I remember the feeling when he said "I should have never said yes to getting back with you."  Just that was enough to tear my world apart.   I couldn't believe someone who showed me so much love could say that.

I can really relate when you say it's about his needs.  It was always about my exBPD and what worked for him.  I feel like he never really went out of the way for me.  Maybe sometimes . . . but not REALLY.  I was always the one who did everything I could to make him happy.

I know I always talk about myself and my exBPD, but I'm just trying to relate as best I can.  Finding parallels is how I express myself, I hope it doesn't sound selfish.

My heart goes out to you.

I hope I can make it as far as you.  I'm 3 weeks NC and some days it almost feels harder now than it did at first . . . its' weird.

Much love.

[Apricot6]

I need some help here. When I finally detached from relationship last month after a particularly nasty and cruel attack I had a few weeks of nice/nasty contact from exBPD including even driving to my house in the night and emailing me from outside. I stood firm and did not go crawling back. But now he's finally gone away (I think, it's been 2 weeks since last contact) I am finding it really hard. Now the stress of the unwanted contact is cleared I feel really hurt abandoned and alone. I am doing everything right to get over it. Started a new class, seeing trusted friends, etc. But I was very strongly attached to the ex in ways I haven't been before and I just feel lost. He was such a wonderful person during the honeymoon phase. I just want to stop thinking about it so much.

[FlSunshineGirl]

Thank you for your kind words Rmbrworst 

It does sound harsh doesn't it?

My take from what he was saying (and these were said on two separate instances) was that he was devaluing them and pointing them black because he felt they abandoned him and he was idealizing me and painting me white. Or, could be that he just wanted to tell me what he thought I wanted to hear.

We were having a conversation about ex's and I was just trying to find out about his past relationships and share about mine. I asked something like out of all of your past relationships who did you feel you really loved.

I know out of my past relationships there are only two (other than my BPDex) that I think about from time to time and can say I genuinely loved and miss. Some of the others I thought I loved at the time, but I never think of them hardly ever. Trying to find out who impacted his life.

That was when he said he never loved any of them. It struck me very odd for sure! I passed it off as devaluation or him just feeling since he didn't feel love for them at that moment he thought he never loved them.

Another way to view it I guess would be that he picks people out of fear of being alone and doesn't get to know who he's attaching himself to so how can you really love someone you randomly pick out of desperation and never get to know on a deeper level before the relationship deteriorates.

I definitely agree that some BPD's (my ex included) can act in very narcissistic ways!

His other comment about how he doesn't know how to love I don't remember the context of the conversation that came out of, just him uttering those words stuck with me.

Strangely, in a way this last attempt to contact me and me being in a place where I didn't respond back has made me heal a little more. Don't know if that makes sense? I guess I'm realizing he doesn't have a strong hold on me like he use to and I'm finally letting go of the person I thought he was during the honeymoon and idealization phase when he was mirroring me and love bombing (something I had never experienced to such an extreme degree before).

And being on this site and being able to share with you all and getting support has been so very helpful in my healing!

Thank you again for what you said. My heart reaches out to you too in your journey of healing from what you went through.   

[FlSunshineGirl]

It's all about him not being able to be alone. His needs.

During some conversations we had in the past he told me he never loved any of his ex's and one time he told me he didn't know how to love.

I didn't believe it then but I do now.

I'm not a mental health professional, but dang, that sounds like a full fledged narcissist.   Of course, it's a spectrum disorder and people with BPD have different levels of different things. 

My heart truly goes out to you knowing that you even had to hear something like that said to you.  "I never loved my exes and I dont know how to love."  My god, it's so earth shattering.  I was never told anything so awful, but I remember the feeling when he said "I should have never said yes to getting back with you."  Just that was enough to tear my world apart.   I couldn't believe someone who showed me so much love could say that.

I can really relate when you say it's about his needs.  It was always about my exBPD and what worked for him.  I feel like he never really went out of the way for me.  Maybe sometimes . . . but not REALLY.  I was always the one who did everything I could to make him happy.

I know I always talk about myself and my exBPD, but I'm just trying to relate as best I can.  Finding parallels is how I express myself, I hope it doesn't sound selfish.

My heart goes out to you.

I hope I can make it as far as you.  I'm 3 weeks NC and some days it almost feels harder now than it did at first . . . its' weird.

Much love.

You'll get there! It takes time! I was hurting really badly for the first 3-5 months after the split, but after getting some information about what he was doing behind the scenes I realized who he really was and that he was doing whatever he needed to do to not be alone and that realization made him start to look very unappealing to me and I guess I just saw the mask come off and didn't like what I saw under it.

You will have times when it's easier and times when it's harder! Don't give up! I promise it gets better as time passes.

Thank you for sharing with me.

[FlSunshineGirl]

Nice work, sunshine! That's impressive and you should be really proud of yourself. And thanks for the tips, too.

Way to be strong!

Thank you Anez! 

[FlSunshineGirl]

I thought I would post an article that I've read many times on and off throughout the last year to help me stay strong in my NC.

Hope it helps someone here too!

www.nonborderline.blogspot.com/2008/07/ending-relationship-with-someone-with.html?m=1

[Mutt]

The topic of discussion has reached it's post limit and is locked. You're welcome with starting a new or similar topic of discussion.