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Author Topic: 180 days NC - hardest part is accepting you will never hear from them again.  (Read 5495 times)
hopealways
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« on: January 12, 2016, 12:05:30 PM »

Today marks 180 days of NC with my BPDx of 3.5 years.  She discarded me via text, never even said goodbye, just "I'm sorry".  She always came back during her 20+ other discards within 1-3 months. I know I expected her to come back this time around as well but she has not. This has made these past 6 months very difficult: not knowing, and consequently not really being in control.

I realize I was addicted to her and the highs I had while in her presence.  I think accepting I will never see her again means also accepting I will never reach that state of euphoria again and this is what keeps me sad.

How can someone be the center of your universe, your everything, and then the next day you are forced to unlove them, to never speak with them again.

It is just so difficult, but such is life.

Sometimes I feel the only way the pain will go away is if she came back and I know I want her to come back but I have remained strong and committed to NC, improving myself and moving forward. Thanks for listening, hang in there.
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« Reply #1 on: January 12, 2016, 12:19:12 PM »

Sorry to hear what you went through, Hope. You're last 180 must have been really, really hard. Pat yourself on the back for all that you've done during that time. It shows a lot of strength.

Keep pushing forward. it's inspiring to the rest of us here.
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« Reply #2 on: January 12, 2016, 12:25:58 PM »

I feel all your pain. Although I was with mine 18 months. We had a whirlwind of a relationship . But I guess what I'm realizing as close as we were to them, they weren't experiencing that same closeness as they pretended to be. I mean sure I think when they were with us it was real to them in that moment. But they lack object constancy and can compartmentalize us. They develop their other relationships whether it's an emotional affair or physical or both just so they aren't as invested in us . It's done to protect themselves from abandonment and engulfment. It is a sick illness. It's so selfish . Everything they fear the most the flip and do to us. Life seems so unfair sometimes. All we did was love them . I think when we do move on and find a healthy person there will be a possibility to find a better mature and giving love! I definitely don't think my ex was a great boyfriend . I know there are better people in the world that would never do this. We just have to let go and be open to it. Easier said than done. I still miss my ex after the hell he put me through. Again seems so unfair but like you said that is life. We learn to toughen up I guess. But someone please tell my heart how to do that!
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« Reply #3 on: January 12, 2016, 02:15:49 PM »

I agree about the object constancy thing, but I also believe most of them will reconnect at some point.  Not because they care for you or want you back (though they might tell you both of these things), but because they need the attention.  Maybe they are between relationships or their current relationship sucks.  Maybe they are fighting with their boyfriend. This is never about you.  They will tell you things they think you want to hear just to watch you make a fool of yourself.  Once they think they have you, and you have humiliated yourself enough, they will move on because there is nothing left to "take" from you.  The chase is over, and it is always about the chase.

If she does contact you, try to really understand why.  Look past the stuff she knows you want to hear and you should get a pretty clear picture of why she contacted you.  You will want to believe the bs though, trust me.

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« Reply #4 on: January 12, 2016, 02:54:55 PM »

Also to add to that... .If and when they come back it is sometimes also do to who they were when they were with you! Since they lack a true sense of self. They either mirror or camouflage themselves with your traits. If you were with her for a significant amount of time, your traits became hers. So they miss that part of themselves that they were when they were with you. It's never about us! It's always about them and their needs. And we shouldn't take it personally because that part of their emotional growth hasn't evolved past that of a small child. It's hard not to take it personally when we truly loved them. Their love is infantile and mostly self seeking. They may miss us from time to time but it's more about their pain and their loss . Not actually us
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« Reply #5 on: January 12, 2016, 03:05:52 PM »

Also to add to that... .If and when they come back it is sometimes also do to who they were when they were with you! Since they lack a true sense of self. They either mirror or camouflage themselves with your traits. If you were with her for a significant amount of time, your traits became hers. So they miss that part of themselves that they were when they were with you. It's never about us! It's always about them and their needs. And we shouldn't take it personally because that part of their emotional growth hasn't evolved past that of a small child. It's hard not to take it personally when we truly loved them. Their love is infantile and mostly self seeking. They may miss us from time to time but it's more about their pain and their loss . Not actually us

Isn't that the case with us also? Smiling (click to insert in post)

We don't like them, we like our image from idealization phase so we crave for more... .
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« Reply #6 on: January 12, 2016, 03:16:52 PM »

I don't think so blackbirdson. It is nothing like us. Sure we all loved the idealizing phase when they wanted our time and affection. But most would of been happy to mellow out in a normal relationship. Their "other self" is full of anger, rage, selfishness, childness. I don't think their is a person on this earth that would want that or to have to deal with that on a regular basis. They sold us a false bill of goods. They only have what it takes to start out a relationship. They don't have what it takes to sustain and nourish it
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« Reply #7 on: January 12, 2016, 03:29:05 PM »

I don't think so blackbirdson. It is nothing like us. Sure we all loved the idealizing phase when they wanted our time and affection. But most would of been happy to mellow out in a normal relationship. Their "other self" is full of anger, rage, selfishness, childness. I don't think their is a person on this earth that would want that or to have to deal with that on a regular basis. They sold us a false bill of goods. They only have what it takes to start out a relationship. They don't have what it takes to sustain and nourish it

I see your point, really do. That was my opinion at the beginning.

But now, I think this is just one perspective. After the relationship with BPD partner ends, especially if they left us, we have narcissistic wound, and now I am pretty sure that most of the people whose stories I read every day have this.

We feel cheated, we say that they showed their true face only after.

But guess what, they didn't hide BPD from beginning, the red flags were there from beginning. There were red flags that someone else ignored and walked away, didn't even start relationship with BPD.

We have our own emotional issues that connected us with BPD, I am pretty sure in this pre-condition... .Really, I am - after all introspective work and also by reading many stories here.  I am not saying that emotionally stable person cannot enter a relationship with BPD, but they won't connect in a way we did.

Don't think of BPD persons like bad persons who manipulated you, by wearing a mask on purpose. It won't help you, won't help your healing.

You said:

I don't think their is a person on this earth that would want that or to have to deal with that on a regular basis. They sold us a false bill of goods.

In the same way, there is no person on this earth who wants to have BPD.

It takes two to tango... .Accept your part of responsibility for entering the relationship, do your inner work, find out what attracted you to the BPD person and too extreme idealization phase, to the "wounded girl" that you wanted to save and give everything, even yourself - completely.  
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« Reply #8 on: January 12, 2016, 03:30:19 PM »

They only have what it takes to start out a relationship. They don't have what it takes to sustain and nourish it

Man that is so true.
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« Reply #9 on: January 12, 2016, 03:49:54 PM »

They only have what it takes to start out a relationship. They don't have what it takes to sustain and nourish it

Man that is so true.

This is true, but I also believe that some (not all) do genuinely feel remorseful or sorry for the way they treated us. They project their own shame and guilt onto us, but that doesn't mean they didn't actually love us. Their love was amplified, as was their hatred. Some BPD are much much much more selfish and needy, but for others their love was genuine. There were triggers of abandonment or crisis and they left. This is where the "balloon theory" comes in. I feel that them coming back for us to fulfill supply is a much more narcissistic trait that BPD. If they leave on strange terms and come back, it could be out of love and comfort. In the end who knows?
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hopealways
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« Reply #10 on: January 12, 2016, 06:36:05 PM »

QUOTE FROM BLACKBIRDSONG:

"It takes two to tango... .Accept your part of responsibility for entering the relationship do your inner work, find out what attracted you to the BPD person and too extreme idealization phase, to the "wounded girl" that you wanted to save and give everything, even yourself - completely."

Sorry blackbirdsong I have to disagree with this. BPD individuals are predators. Saying it takes 2 to tango with a BPD is like saying it was the tourist's fault for being eaten by a shark, and to take responsibility for being eaten by that shark.  The non did nothing but caretake the BPD and show kindness only to be treated with complete inhumanity.  It was the humanity inside the non that put up with so much because our compassion (which they lack) thought that we could make them better. The BPD's seduction capabilities are way stronger than the radar of any non so we fell into it like quicksand.  Let's not put any blame or responsibility on us and focus on getting better instead.
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« Reply #11 on: January 12, 2016, 06:48:16 PM »

QUOTE FROM BLACKBIRDSONG:

"It takes two to tango... .Accept your part of responsibility for entering the relationship do your inner work, find out what attracted you to the BPD person and too extreme idealization phase, to the "wounded girl" that you wanted to save and give everything, even yourself - completely."

Sorry blackbirdsong I have to disagree with this. BPD individuals are predators. Saying it takes 2 to tango with a BPD is like saying it was the tourist's fault for being eaten by a shark, and to take responsibility for being eaten by that shark.  The non did nothing but caretake the BPD and show kindness only to be treated with complete inhumanity.  It was the humanity inside the non that put up with so much because our compassion (which they lack) thought that we could make them better. The BPD's seduction capabilities are way stronger than the radar of any non so we fell into it like quicksand.  Let's not put any blame or responsibility on us and focus on getting better instead.

You have misquoted me... .I didn't say we should put blame on us.

I just said that we also played an unhealthy role. Nothing to blame, it was also part of our personality.

Your words:

The non did nothing but caretake the BPD

This is unhealthy for relationship. In healthy relationship we shouldn't be caretakers. But the fact is that we liked this role, it filled our ego, we liked to be needed, not to be loved.

because our compassion (which they lack) thought that we could make them better.



Sorry, but this is also unhealthy. Your role is not to fix/change/improve your partner in a relationship. You need to live side by side with him and accept him/she. If you don't like your partner, you have other choices, but you shouldn't change him/she. Only that person can make a change.

I don't see my exGF as a shark, nor I think that her seduction capabilities are 'inhuman' - actually, I am 'fresh' non-BPD, I bropke up with her 2 months ago. But I am working on myself, started therapy and that helped me to understand what unhealthy behaviors did I nurture in this relationship.

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« Reply #12 on: January 12, 2016, 06:59:08 PM »

Suggesting 'they' are a shark... .and we are an unwitting fish (meal)... .is a logical fallacy. This position promotes a victim mentality... .

We are/were both complex individuals... .no doubt they are predatory by nature (nuture)... .if we weren't clued up to their 'sharkiness' (new word  )... .and red flags... .thats about us... .

I've watched videos of clued up dolphins putting a shark in it's place  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

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hopealways
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« Reply #13 on: January 12, 2016, 07:05:30 PM »

Suggesting 'they' are a shark... .and we are an unwitting fish (meal)... .is a logical fallacy. This position promotes a victim mentality... .

We are/were both complex individuals... .no doubt they are predatory by nature (nuture)... .if we weren't clued up to their 'sharkiness' (new word  )... .and red flags... .thats about us... .

I've watched videos of clued up dolphins putting a shark in it's place  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Of course we were victimized, and we were victims of their emotional disorder.  This is factual.  Whether it "promotes" a victim mentality is a whole other debate. In fact it is precisely the type of thing Borderlines tell the non: "Stop playing the victim." Do we tell victims of crime to "stop playing the victim" or "you have such a victim mentality"? NO! Emotional abuse should be treated no differently than physical abuse.  Yes we were victims and were victimized.

There is nothing wrong with stating what it was, that they were the predators and we were the victims. Again, blaming the non for not seeing red flags is absolutely wrong.  Their predatory nature presumes that their prey is ignorant of their behavior.  Now we know and have insight but I disagree that the non bears responsibility in any of this when the BPD's behavior is so calculated, pathological and horrific.
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« Reply #14 on: January 12, 2016, 07:13:36 PM »

Suggesting 'they' are a shark... .and we are an unwitting fish (meal)... .is a logical fallacy. This position promotes a victim mentality... .

We are/were both complex individuals... .no doubt they are predatory by nature (nuture)... .if we weren't clued up to their 'sharkiness' (new word  )... .and red flags... .thats about us... .

I've watched videos of clued up dolphins putting a shark in it's place  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Of course we were victimized, and we were victims of their emotional disorder.  This is factual.  Whether it "promotes" a victim mentality is a whole other debate. In fact it is precisely the type of thing Borderlines tell the non: "Stop playing the victim." But there is nothing wrong with stating what it was, that they were the predators and we were the victims. Again, blaming the non for not seeing red flags is absolutely wrong.  Their predatory nature presumes that their prey is ignorant of their behavior.  Now we know and have insight but I disagree that the non bears responsibility in any of this when the BPD's behavior is so calculated, pathological and horrific.

Ok, you have your own opinion. And I respect that, I disagree - but I respect it.

We are here to discuss our opinions on these boards and to try understand what brought us here.

But just one more thing. You are describing BPD as psychopaths (using official definition and behavior). Ask any psychologist, and they will confirm you that they are not psychopaths. It is not that they didn't show a potential for their later behavior early on. It is just that we (because of our emotional issues/lack of boundaries/codependency/_insert something else_, ... .) didn't recognize this.

And it is not something you should blame yourself... .Would you blame yourself if you have a broken leg and because of that you cannot run? No, you just need to heal that leg, and you will be able to run.  
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« Reply #15 on: January 12, 2016, 07:18:34 PM »

BPD acting out/in is an attempt to supress inner dysregulation, nons were doing the same... .satisfaction of need through another... .they didn't choose this and until treatment intervenes (if ever) they will repeat as necessary.

We have ability to choose to recognise them for what they are and to decide to get the hell out of their way... .if we didn't have that knowledge before... .we experienced and survived... .then that is a gift.

Blame for our lack of knowledge surely lies with those who were responsible for teaching us how to recognise danger... .and not those who want to harm us.
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hopealways
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« Reply #16 on: January 12, 2016, 07:21:02 PM »

Suggesting 'they' are a shark... .and we are an unwitting fish (meal)... .is a logical fallacy. This position promotes a victim mentality... .

We are/were both complex individuals... .no doubt they are predatory by nature (nuture)... .if we weren't clued up to their 'sharkiness' (new word  )... .and red flags... .thats about us... .

I've watched videos of clued up dolphins putting a shark in it's place  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Of course we were victimized, and we were victims of their emotional disorder.  This is factual.  Whether it "promotes" a victim mentality is a whole other debate. In fact it is precisely the type of thing Borderlines tell the non: "Stop playing the victim." But there is nothing wrong with stating what it was, that they were the predators and we were the victims. Again, blaming the non for not seeing red flags is absolutely wrong.  Their predatory nature presumes that their prey is ignorant of their behavior.  Now we know and have insight but I disagree that the non bears responsibility in any of this when the BPD's behavior is so calculated, pathological and horrific.

Ok, you have your own opinion. And I respect that, I disagree - but I respect it.

We are here to discuss our opinions on these boards and to try understand what brought us here.

But just one more thing. You are describing BPD as psychopaths (using official definition and behavior). Ask any psychologist, and they will confirm you that they are not psychopaths. It is not that they didn't show a potential for their later behavior early on. It is just that we (because of our emotional issues/lack of boundaries/codependency/_insert something else_, ... .) didn't recognize this.

And it is not something you should blame yourself... .Would you blame yourself if you have a broken leg and because of that you cannot run? No, you just need to heal that leg, and you will be able to run.  

I have stated the BPD's behavior is pathological, not psychopathic. 
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« Reply #17 on: January 12, 2016, 07:35:27 PM »

the BPD's behavior is so calculated, pathological and horrific.

to say this is to completely misunderstand BPD psychopathology. BPD is a disorder marked by impulsivity, and low emotional regularity.

same with describing them as predators. it simply doesnt fit. it may be how you see it. it may be your experience. its not characteristic of borderline personality disorder. personally, if my ex was a predator, and/or cunning master manipulator, she was really, really bad at it.

if you feel your relationship was predator vs prey, then not only can i understand why youd feel victimized, but itd be pretty tough to recover from. the truth is that if your partner is someone with borderline personality disorder, they wanted it to work, desperately, perhaps more than you did. i get the feeling of feeling like ones relationship was an illusion, that nothing was real; not so. it simply wasnt sustainable. that is the nature of the disorder. you were there. it happened. loving words, hopes and dreams were shared. not as part of a con game. better, clinical, factual understanding of BPD leads to a better, more balanced understanding of how your relationship transpired, and better ability to heal.

back to your original post: one thing someone pointed out to me at the time, when i was struggling with the finality, or whether there was such a thing, was that i did have control, i did have power, frankly, i could contact her any time i wanted to. i resolved not to, but hell, i could right now if i wanted to. so can you. its a choice not dependent on what she does or doesnt do. i found that made me feel a lot less hopeless, more empowered.
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« Reply #18 on: January 12, 2016, 07:58:06 PM »

the BPD's behavior is so calculated, pathological and horrific.

to say this is to completely misunderstand BPD psychopathology. BPD is a disorder marked by impulsivity, and low emotional regularity.

same with describing them as predators.
it simply doesnt fit. it may be how you see it. it may be your experience. its not characteristic of borderline personality disorder. personally, if my ex was a predator, and/or cunning master manipulator, she was really, really bad at it.

if you feel your relationship was predator vs prey, then not only can i understand why youd feel victimized, but itd be pretty tough to recover from. the truth is that if your partner is someone with borderline personality disorder, they wanted it to work, desperately, perhaps more than you did. i get the feeling of feeling like ones relationship was an illusion, that nothing was real; not so. it simply wasnt sustainable. that is the nature of the disorder. you were there. it happened. loving words, hopes and dreams were shared. not as part of a con game. better, clinical, factual understanding of BPD leads to a better, more balanced understanding of how your relationship transpired, and better ability to heal.

back to your original post: one thing someone pointed out to me at the time, when i was struggling with the finality, or whether there was such a thing, was that i did have control, i did have power, frankly, i could contact her any time i wanted to. i resolved not to, but hell, i could right now if i wanted to. so can you. its a choice not dependent on what she does or doesnt do. i found that made me feel a lot less hopeless, more empowered.

I have read the literature, extensively and studied BPD psychopathology. BPD is NOT "Marked" by impulsivity, impulsivity is merely 1 of 9 DSM criteria of the BPD only 5 of which need be present for a diagnosis.

I agree that many BPD are impulsive; however, impulsivity and calculating behavior are not mutually exclusive. In fact, the BPD often have comorbid traits of the NPD which include manipulative behavior which is always calculated.  Every person on this post has experienced twisted lies of the BPD. Lies by their nature are calculated, deceptive, and manipulative.  There are over 500,000 posts in this L3 forum, without even one happy ending of the BPD relationship working (even after therapy which the literature shows only at best minimizes the suicidal thoughts and certain acting-out behaviors)-to say that the BPD really wanted to make the relationship work begs the question of what our definition of "wanting" has become.
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« Reply #19 on: January 12, 2016, 08:08:41 PM »

It's a subject that perhaps deserves another thread as it seems to come up so regularly when members struggle accepting culpability and their partners realistic levels of executive self control... .

Comorbidity definitely muddies the waters... .

The shark analogy is emotionally loaded... .and yet, imo pwBPD... .and 'nons' chose to select their mate based on a need to satisfy something missing inside... .

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« Reply #20 on: January 12, 2016, 08:11:57 PM »

we really dont need to debate the small stuff, hopealways. it would be dehumanizing of me to say that a pwBPD is incapable of calculating or manipulating or lying; we all are. does that, a cunning predator or con artist make? it doesnt fit with borderline personality disorder. based on your words, it doesnt fit your experience.

There are over 500,000 posts in this L3 forum, without even one happy ending of the BPD relationship working



youre free to believe that, but its factually untrue and you have been given examples in the past.

at a certain point, this becomes misinformation as opposed to confusion.
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« Reply #21 on: January 12, 2016, 08:19:21 PM »

I agree with you hope always! It's a spectrum disorder! My ex was a priest and he used his priesthood to come across trust worthy and honest. He would buy me religious articles and then cheat on me at the same time. Had a second girlfriend all summer and told me we fell apart this summer because I stopped trying. They know what they are doing. They are not powerless over their disorder. They live sneaky lives. And when your life is sneaky in nature you as a person become more and more deceptive. They enjoy the chase the endorphine high they get sneaky around. Yes, I agree their wiring is screwed up and they would do it to anyone. It's not personally about us. But you see it is. Because it happened to us. They know right from wrong. They could seek counsel or help. They choose not to. People say they don't think they are wrong. But on many levels that is just straight up BS! They have a huge sense of shame and feelings of being a bad person. That's Because they know what they are doing is gravely wrong! Double lives, lying, manipulative ways, raging. Etc . They are not MS patients and victim of their circumstance. They have choices . They can get really close to us and make us believe we are a team! And very much loved by them. But they can't share any of these fears or feelings they experience having BPD ? To me that is a choice and a secretive way to live that only builds up barriers to a lasting relationship . They come in the relationship knowing this! They hold all the cards and pretend to be on the same page as you when they can't even open the book! Maybe we are responsible for the part that once the devalue stage came why didn't we leave or set proper boundaries . I agree that is where I messed up. But I thought we had so many other things going for us and I was invested . It's hard to say what we should think about our part in this. Because our intentions were pure while theirs were calculated. They needed us and when they didn't they acted out. Able to do so because they weren't investing as we were or as they claimed they were. They had other supplies to keep them from fully investing. Just my opinion though
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« Reply #22 on: January 12, 2016, 08:27:42 PM »

I agree with you hope always! It's a spectrum disorder! My ex was a priest and he used his priesthood to come across trust worthy and honest. He would buy me religious articles and then cheat on me at the same time. Had a second girlfriend all summer and told me we fell apart this summer because I stopped trying. They know what they are doing. They are not powerless over their disorder. They live sneaky lives. And when your life is sneaky in nature you as a person become more and more deceptive. They enjoy the chase the endorphine high they get sneaky around. Yes, I agree their wiring is screwed up and they would do it to anyone. It's not personally about us. But you see it is. Because it happened to us. They know right from wrong. They could seek counsel or help. They choose not to. People say they don't think they are wrong. But on many levels that is just straight up BS! They have a huge sense of shame and feelings of being a bad person. That's Because they know what they are doing is gravely wrong! Double lives, lying, manipulative ways, raging. Etc . They are not MS patients and victim of their circumstance. They have choices . They can get really close to us and make us believe we are a team! And very much loved by them. But they can't share any of these fears or feelings they experience having BPD ? To me that is a choice and a secretive way to live that only builds up barriers to a lasting relationship . They come in the relationship knowing this! They hold all the cards and pretend to be on the same page as you when they can't even open the book! Maybe we are responsible for the part that once the devalue stage came why didn't we leave or set proper boundaries . I agree that is where I messed up. But I thought we had so many other things going for us and I was invested . It's hard to say what we should think about our part in this. Because our intentions were pure while theirs were calculated. They needed us and when they didn't they acted out. Able to do so because they weren't investing as we were or as they claimed they were. They had other supplies to keep them from fully investing. Just my opinion though

AGREE with you 100% itstopsnow. Thank you! And they never stop, once we are discarded it is off to the next victim. Yes they are emotional predators.  And no there are no happy endings, there have been no examples that I have been given in the past, BPD cannot live a harmonious mutually loving honest life with someone who loves them.  Best that we move forward.
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« Reply #23 on: January 12, 2016, 08:41:56 PM »

If they are suffering from BPD... .and we suggest they 'calculated' to behave this way, then this presumes they have exhibited a genuine cognitive process with a goal in mind... .as opposed to a false self attempting to quell multiple levels of emotional dysregulation and dysfunction... .and we would be incorrect in our presumption.
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« Reply #24 on: January 12, 2016, 08:54:12 PM »

Really good thread.  Somewhat contentious - Good!  We are all at different places in our recoveries and trying to internalize and learn about what happened.  :)ifferent opinions to be expected and healthy challenge to our own points of view.

Personally, I have been of both minds at different times and could point to different pieces of evidence that would indicate both outcomes are possible.  

In general, people are not linear - not all black and not all white.  The comment about BPD being a spectrum illness translates to some people are more emotionally/logically on the white or black side of the scale - while the majority of us are in the grey.  

For me, just thinking about it this way indicates that our pwBPD traits is unlikely a predator with a malicious mindset lurking for an innocent heart to break.  Instead there are likely to be people with some traits that are very dark and others gray and others white.  Where they act from or live on that spectrum is probably more about fear than anything else.  Intentional predation seems highly unlikely.

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« Reply #25 on: January 12, 2016, 09:12:25 PM »

That's not what I'm saying. I don't think a person with BPD is like a sociopath . I don't think they look to prey upon you. But in the end that's what happens . I don't think they set out to do it. They may genuinely like and love you best to their abilities . I think mine did love me the best he could. But with that being said. They do know right from wrong. And when they start serial cheating, manipulating, lying. They know what they are doing. It's in their control. The reason is irrelevant whether it's fear or engulfment . The bottom line is they are selfish, self seeking people. That don't know the meaning of the word love! Love is sacrificing and giving and nurturing and building up and helping. They only know how to take. They live a parasitic lifestyle . It may not sound nice because it isn't. But it's true. They have a deeply wounded core and true borderline under function in many areas of life. I know they have pain in their lives but they inflict more on ours by their selfish, acting out because they can't love properly. They don't know how to. They don't trust love, us, or themselves . They act out be damn the cost or price . The wiring is messed up they believe they are justified hurting us. And that makes them not good people either. To live in black and white. Either they love or hate! That's not real love then. Because you can't take love away that ficklely. They have a bad character and core. I know it's not all their fault that damn BPD affects so much of their personality that it becomes part of who they are. Deep therapy may help but might not ever be 100% stable. It's a very serious mental illness:/disorder
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« Reply #26 on: January 12, 2016, 10:00:42 PM »

for the record, hopealways, you were pointed to the story of EaglesJuJu, but so things are clear, im going to point you to this thread:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=113820.msg12287696#msg12287696

particularly, the member Steph. member babyducks has a success story too.

our experience is our experience. it helps no one to project our experience onto others. members are here to heal and gain understanding. telling others that they are victims to a con game doesnt help, and worse, its inaccurate (clinically, as well as pertaining to most of our experiences). it may be your experience, im not trying to take that away from you. to say that pwBPD are emotional predators, to act as if each pwBPD is the same, to say no relationship involving a pwBPD has any hope, is all factually inaccurate and helps no one gain understanding.

to describe people, or a group of people, as evil, bad, not good people, is black and white thinking. painting with a broad brush is just that - painting.
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
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« Reply #27 on: January 12, 2016, 11:34:11 PM »

It is not only a matter of lack of control.

Mine, for example, was playing "Facebook games". She would almost never post but when she did it was some kind of a message, either to me or someone else. A song titled "it's a fools love", a quote about leaving people behind, etc, always designed to stress me or the ex or who knows who else in an ongoing mind game.

She'd wait for me to be vulnerable and express my emotions only to answer coldly and hurt me. She'd use subtle insults and triangulation. That's not simply lack of control, that's psychological warfare. Women know exactly what they do and how they can effect us, they start noticing it at an early age. Some use their edge in communication better than others, some abuse their power. It is "soft power", the power of the perceived weak who slowly but surly puts a knife thru your heart and then twists it for his own pleasure.

No, it's not just lack of control.

In my case her father abandoned her early on and she's getting back at men as revenge. It's all a game. All conscious? No, but it comes out in everything she does.

As for the original post - hang in there. You've been exposed to toxic radiation, you just need to wait for all of it to come out. It will take 1-2 years. 180 days is amazing, you should treat yourself to some unhealthy food or some other treat. When I'm down I go to this Greek cafe where they serve the best hot chocolate in the world. It's probably 1000 calories but I write it off as medication for the soul.

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hopealways
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« Reply #28 on: January 13, 2016, 12:04:49 AM »

for the record, hopealways, you were pointed to the story of EaglesJuJu, but so things are clear, im going to point you to this thread:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=113820.msg12287696#msg12287696

particularly, the member Steph. member babyducks has a success story too.

our experience is our experience. it helps no one to project our experience onto others. members are here to heal and gain understanding. telling others that they are victims to a con game doesnt help, and worse, its inaccurate (clinically, as well as pertaining to most of our experiences). it may be your experience, im not trying to take that away from you. to say that pwBPD are emotional predators, to act as if each pwBPD is the same, to say no relationship involving a pwBPD has any hope, is all factually inaccurate and helps no one gain understanding.

to describe people, or a group of people, as evil, bad, not good people, is black and white thinking. painting with a broad brush is just that - painting.

Sorry onceremoved but disparaging board members like myself and mischaracterizing what we say is not right and doesn't help. As a moderator you should know better.  

In my experience they are in fact emotional predators, so please don't try to rewrite my history or disparage my opinions.

I never said the relationships have no hope, I said there are no happy endings.  None of these "success stories" have been tracked long enough for us to know how they have truly ended up.  Are they truly harmonious and loving? Or do the rages merely quiet so the non is satisfied? There are so many questions that cannot be answered by anyone but all the parties in those relationships. There remains no cure for BPD.  Therapy is not a cure, it alleviates certain behavior at best.

I also never said we are victims to a "con game".  But we are victims. And there is no shame in admitting that. The fact is the BPD know right from wrong.  They are able to seduce during the idealization stage and behave without acting out, yet will do a complete 180 during devaluation.  There are plenty of examples on this forum of this behavior.  It's not a game, it's just how they are. That is the nature of this emotional disorder.  I am beyond characterizing them as bad or good and have never done that as you suggest.  But their actions are hurtful and destructive at the least and I, for one, will be staying away from hurtful and destructive people.
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« Reply #29 on: January 13, 2016, 12:09:20 AM »

A story about mine:

She once seduced a famous actor at some party. They ended up in an elevator together , he invited her to his room and she told him "I have good news and bad news - the good, I'm not wearing underwear. The bad - I'm on my way to my see my lover".

That's a James Bond script right there, someone who is out to kill. She told me she seduced that actor just to see if she could. To call this "lack of control " is naïve. This is nothing but control. Sure at times they lose control but that's just the other side of the spectrum.

Absolutely this is yet another example of control, manipulation, predation, knowing right from wrong all wrapped up in a package of seduction.
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