More fun for me

[TheRealJongoBong]

My wife and I have been going to MC for many weeks now, and over the last two session I've seen a new pattern emerging. The time before last we were driving to the MC, it was heavy traffic and I was not having a good time. She started giggling and said something like "So that's how it works!". I was curious and asked "what's that?", and the immediate response was only "Oh, you wouldn't understand". I was triggered a little, but because I'm very used to this didn't say anything more about it. Then, when we were stuck in the far right lane surrounded by cars she said "I would've taken those side streets over there" in what I felt was her snarky voice while pointing off to the left. Again I was triggered, but since I'm used to her being the penultimate backseat driver I didn't say anything. We finally got the MC, but due to all of these events I wasn't in the best of humor and it probably showed. She, on the other hand, was more open and engaging than she had ever been before in MC.

This last time we are only a few blocks from our house when she comes out with "Since you don't wear your wedding ring I'm going to take it and mine to the pawn shop. We don't need them anymore." I had not been wearing it because it's a little big so it falls off my finger. I had given it to her the night before because she asked me over the weekend if I would wear it if she had it re-sized, and I said I would. Her next statement was that she didn't want to do this resizing thing because she didn't like the way I gave her the ring. About two minutes later she's telling me she's not going to put up with my narcissistic behavior anymore and that it's only because I'm afraid of myself. All during this time I'm not reacting to her and providing SET, etc. My feeling was that for some reason or the other she's trying to provoke me so there's no way I'm going to do anything but medium chill. Thankfully in the last MC session we had been working on self-soothing, and all the last week I had been working on "mini-soothing" where I try to process every little triggering event and let it go. So by the time we got to MC I wasn't very ruffled.

None of this stuff she's done here is anything new. She's been doing the *giggle* "I'm not going to tell you anything" gig for some time now. The narcissist gaslighting goes back for years although it did die down a little after the psych ward. I can only think that she's doing it before MC because she's feeling threatened by the MC process.

Her point of view, as far as I understand it, is that we're going to MC mainly for me and to work on my problems (she actually said this to me on our way to an earlier session, then when I brought it up in MC she basically denied it). As MC continues she is going to have to look at her contribution to our relationship. This is going to provoke her fears of vulnerability and abandonment. She's either going to have to accept that she may be at fault, or she will go ballistic and try to kill the messenger (metaphorically speaking) and anyone else who happens to get in the way. I can see interesting times ahead.

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[Ceruleanblue]

MC was a complete bust for us both times we tried it. I actually felt worse than before we'd tried it. BPDh took zero real responsibility, I felt, or he'd have worked his issues too, and not just expected ME to do all the changing. We are about to start up again, this time having in mind working on communication. It seemed like a good idea.

Here's the rub though. We are going to go to my therapist, and I think she has a really good take on MC. What I noticed tonight in a conversation with BPDh was that it's not really that he lacks communication skills(although he does somewhat), it's more that he lacks normal INTEREST. He doesn't seem to have the normal interest in me, or my feelings, or mere curiosity that would spark a non to ask questions, or ask for clarification. As it is, conversations fall flat, or I can leave off halfway through, and he'll not even notice. He zones out, and he has no interest, and I don't know if those are skills that can be taught. Communication, yes, but can you teach someone to show interest or empathy that they lack?

I think MC can be beneficial for two people who are willing to look at their behavior, work on themselves and together, but for pwBPD, that is so hard. They want to blame, and skate off with zero accountability. Not all BPD are like that, I'm sure, but I read on here that a lot of them are, and BPDh has certainly been that in the past... .

[Euler2718]

it's more that he lacks normal INTEREST. He doesn't seem to have the normal interest in me, or my feelings, or mere curiosity that would spark a non to ask questions, or ask for clarification.

... .mine was willing to quit at the drop of a hat. So she was always in charge. yours is always in charge because he doesn't really care (sorry). it's a way to stay in control, not feeling, not caring -- in the end, they DO maintain control -- but it kills the relationship.

[TheRealJongoBong]

Interesting indeed. At the beginning of this weekend I was informed that I do terrible and hurtful things like having affairs, but it's OK because I'm not conscious of doing it. Then it was lots of insinuations that I'm having affairs but when I asked for clarification it was "No, I'm having bad thoughts." Last night it was "I want to have sex but you have to wear condoms now". After a couple of questions I now know that she has "unimpeachable evidence" that I'm having an affair with her best friend, but we should really fight about wearing condoms. I should note here that her friend is a narcissistic drug addict and alcoholic that I would not touch with a 10 foot pole.

I told her I was uncomfortable about having sex with her when she thinks I'm cheating on her. She asked me what's changed, it never bothered me before. I told her I felt like this before but was afraid to say anything about it, but now I'm not. She said it's always about me, that she just wants to feel comfortable, so wear a condom. I said that I disagree, that we both have the right to feel comfortable. No reply.

I'd say the weather forecast is for storms tonight.

[TheRealJongoBong]

... .mine was willing to quit at the drop of a hat. So she was always in charge. yours is always in charge because he doesn't really care (sorry).

I don't think that's the case CB. I think he's terrified of showing care or emotion because it might show that he's vulnerable.

[TheRealJongoBong]

It's a new day, the sun is shining somewhere. Last night my wife gave me the "no apology" apology for accusing of of affairs, saying that she was having a medical issue which she attributed to my philandering. I would believe that one more if it were an original excuse - sadly she used this exact same excuse the last time she accused me 4 months ago.

But wait, there's more! Now she says that there has to be some reason she has these thoughts, so if it isn't me having affairs it's her wanting to have an affair, and that she wants an open relationship. I should remind you that this woman is rapidly approaching 60 years old.

If I wasn't pretty sure this is all acting out I might be a little more worried. As it is I'm just tired.

[Icthelight]

I'd say the weather forecast is for storms tonight.

Storms? Hurricane weather for me last night and this morning.

I should note here that her friend is a narcissistic drug addict and alcoholic

Only comment here is, you need to do a better job of picking your love interests 

Sorry you're being accused of infidelity and being asked to wear a condom. Not only does it ruin the moment, but is sure gets old. Hang in there, detach emotionally from this nonsense and as one of the Cats on here likes to do, flip her off through your clothes I thought I was the only one that did that and it FELT GOOD to know that I'm not the only one that does that.